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Original poster

"I don't do relationships"

156 replies

JoonT · 19/01/2023 15:04

Over Christmas, I went to a party and got talking to a girl in her early 20s. I asked if her partner was there, and she replied "I don't do relationships." She went on to explain that she had no intention of ever being in a relationship or having kids. She was completely focused on her career and didn't want all the 'hassle' (her word). I also have a cousin who is 38 and lives alone. She has never had a relationship either (she's one of the happiest people I know!). Do you think it is becoming more common? I mean for people to choose not to "do relationships" at all? I'm not judging such people. I'm just curious.

My own feeling is that it is more common. And I suspect it's because of several things. First of all, people live longer, and (if they take care of themselves) do so in better health. That looks set to continue. Pretty soon we may ever have life extension drugs that slow the ageing of the body. So they don't need a partner to care for them as they age. Second, women now have careers. They also have better access to training and education, which enables them to pursue those careers. Finally, lots of women now choose not to have kids. In the past, women (and men) often put up with hellish marriages for the sake of the children.

Something else I've noticed is that young people increasingly choose not to drink alcohol. I wonder if the two are related?

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 19/01/2023 15:15

I think it's becoming more socially acceptable to not bein a relationship. I also believe many women are realising they don't need to put up with the way some men behave.

I'm 47 and have been single for 8 years now and have never been happier. I've got no desire whatsoever to have another relationship.

I work with a number of women in their twenties and thirties who are happily single. They have a good career, own/ rent their home, have lots of friends, holidays, etc. None of them seem fussed about having children because of the cost and because they don't want to bring children into the world the way it is right now.

My own DS is 21 and has no interest in a relationship as he likes his freedom and independence.

It also seems to be that you can't meet people in real life any more - it's all dating apps.

Zippedydoo123 · 19/01/2023 15:29

My ds is 17 and isn't into booze or girls. He has a few as friends but nothing more. Yes it must be a trend as his peers don't do booze as a rule either.

My cousins grandchildren are a little older and they don't bother with a partner either.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/01/2023 15:33

My dd is 17. No interest in drinking or boys.

cpphelp · 19/01/2023 15:34

If my husband and I broke up, I would 100% not be in another relationship. I'd date, get close to someone, but I wouldn't have another 'partner' ever again

SpentDandelion · 19/01/2023 15:42

I think it will become a lot more common for people of any age to remain happily single and why not ?

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 15:44

Goodness me that woman could’ve just said no. She’s protesting too much.

however I’m sure it is more common for a number of reasons, women have more choice now being one of them.

LappyClaps · 19/01/2023 15:52

It definitely seems more common

They’ll just have casual sexual partners, and drinking has been noted to be down YoY with young people

Original poster
JoonT · 19/01/2023 15:55

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 15:44

Goodness me that woman could’ve just said no. She’s protesting too much.

however I’m sure it is more common for a number of reasons, women have more choice now being one of them.

Alcohol I suppose. Plus I'd asked a pretty personal question, I guess (I didn't know her – and I'm kind of awkward and shy at these events, so tend to blurt stuff out).

OP posts:
SomethingLessIdentifiable · 19/01/2023 15:59

If my DH died or we divorced (and he’s wonderful so I hope neither happens) I’d never have another “relationship” again.

I can absolutely say with 100 percent certainly that I’d definitely never live with anyone again.

I think I’d be perfectly happy to remin single.

fidgetcube · 19/01/2023 16:00

I think it is more common, and also easier and more acceptable to do.

in my own case, I’m 27 and do not want a partner, never had sex but do want a child. And I can have a child by myself, obvsiouly need a sperm donor but don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do (ie sex). And most people are like oh okay, that’s cool if a bit interesting. I assume as years go by it’ll become less interesting and become more right okay.

MissMaple82 · 19/01/2023 16:02

I'm 40 and been single for almost 8 years. I've had opportunities to start a relationship with men but I choose not to get involved, I also know of a few others with similar views so yes I do think it's becoming more common. Long gone are the days that women needed a man to be fulfilled in life and vice versa.

SprayedWithDettol · 19/01/2023 16:06

My DS is an adult - great degree, career, own home, lots of friends etc. He isn't bothered about a relationship. He likes his freedom to do what he wants.
He plans to work overseas at some point and being without ties makes this much easier.
I'm pleased he is happy and able to do what he choses.

Doliveira · 19/01/2023 16:08

Not drinking alcohol and not looking for relationships is common amongst people in their 20’s that I know. The romanticising of coupledom seems to fallen away entirely for them, literally not part of their narratives.

Flameshame · 19/01/2023 16:10

I’m 47 and came out of a long marriage 5 years ago. At the moment I have no interest in another relationship - the only benefit it could give me at the moment is easier holiday planning!

PizzaNinja · 19/01/2023 16:13

Yes, it has gotten more acceptable. At some point in the future, we’ll be looking at population collapse, and the government will have to incentivise having children.

ArmyofMunn · 19/01/2023 16:15

This is really interesting as my DS is 19 and has never had a relationship.

All the people saying their children aren't interested in relationships, do they still go on casual dates with people though?

TheShellBeach · 19/01/2023 16:15

DD is 29. No relationships that I know of.

Zippedydoo123 · 19/01/2023 16:16

No my 17 yr old ds does no dates and no sex.

EmmaEmerald · 19/01/2023 16:16

I don't know if it's more common, I guess there'll be stats?

I was that girl 20 years ago and felt horribly judged. By 30, I would have kept quiet about it at a party.

It was a great decision to make and I am so glad I made it. There was definitely a sense of society saying "you will regret this". Sadly I had periods of questioning on the partner part, though never on childfree part.

I do find that responses have changed over the years. People used to actually say "poor you, it must be so hard being single". Now I hear more "lucky you".

EmmaEmerald · 19/01/2023 16:18

My parents had friends in their age group - 80s - who said there was more pressure to date in my generation. They reckoned that for women in particular, embracing freedom was more of a norm when they were young. The pendulum swings, I guess.

QueefQueen80s · 19/01/2023 16:19

I think this is getting really common among women, realising they can do it all on their own without the hassle of a man. I was happy single until 23, had 14yr relationship, had my kids. Now 37 and not sure I'll be with anyone again in a serious way. Just date, chat, sex. I'll certainly never live with a man again. And I had a good relationship!

Ncgirlseriously · 19/01/2023 16:36

I’m sure it is getting more common, but that’s not saying much. For a long time in the past women have pretty much needed a partner, and now they don’t, so they’re choosing whether or not they actually want one. And relationships with straight men are often exhausting and unfulfilling for women, what with the mental load and the orgasm gap and the difference in happiness of single and married women and men. Honestly I see some women on here posting about their husbands and it sounds fucking exhausting.

I split with my ex three years ago, and decided that when I got lonely, I’d sign up for dating sites. And then I just… didn’t get lonely. I have my son, and friends and family and I enjoy my own company. I love living alone with my son. We as a society are fed the idea that single people must be lonely and it’s not actually true for many people.

ArseInTheDogBowl · 19/01/2023 16:44

I'm 34 and have had two long relationships in my life. The last being with my ex husband; the marriage ended 4 years ago.

My ex husband was abusive, and that's obviously had a big effect on how I view relationships. I don't ever want to be in the position where that could happen to me again. I have two DC, older primary aged, and they are my number one priority. I wouldn't ever want them to have to share their home with another person. They have never met anyone I've been seeing since I split with their dad. I'm very protective of them and find it shocking when I read threads on here where parents have introduced new partners to their DC very quickly.

I just don't really want a relationship, ever again really. I go through phases where even dating feels like too much effort. I'm too set in my ways and enjoy not having to consider a partners feelings. Casual fun is easy to find on tinder but I don't need any more than that.

ArmyofMunn · 19/01/2023 16:50

...and decided that when I got lonely, I'd sign up for dating sites. And then I just...didn't get lonely.

I love this - from someone married to an unreasonable arse (some of the time)!

RampantIvy · 19/01/2023 16:56

I think it's great that people can be partner free and not be judged for it.

DH is 7 years older than me and has had a few brudhes with cancer, so statistically the chances are that I will outlive him. I have no interest in being with anyone else. I have built up a few different friendship groups now through hobbies and charity work, so I am not afraid of being on my own or lonely.

I would also like to think that more women have a better "bullshit radar" these days, though from reading some of the threads on mumsnet it seems that lots don't.

We need to reinforce the idea and educate women that being on your own is better than being in a shit relationship and educate women not to have babies with useless men.