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Original poster

Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

369 replies

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 17:56

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

OP posts:
Ruffpuff · 12/01/2023 19:05

I. Japan 5 year olds walk themselves to school. We have horrendously low expectations for our children here. A 10 year old should know better if raised correctly.

Original poster
User4873628 · 12/01/2023 19:08

If my 10 year old was at someone's house, I'd be annoyed if she disappeared too

Me too, but I think I'd be more annoyed at my child for leaving. He's allowed a fair bit of freedom for his age but he has to be responsible, keep in touch, be where we've agreed he'll be, come home when we've agreed.

Ds is worried now too that he's done something wrong tonight. He's sure the lad wasn't upset about anything, he certainly didn't seem upset when he reappeared.

Ds says he just got up and wandered off, they didn't really think about it but thought maybe he'd gone to the kitchen for a drink.

We've had another chat about always letting people know where you are and not wandering off without telling anyone.

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 12/01/2023 19:10

That was a really good response OP.

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Families
Sindonym · 12/01/2023 19:11

YANBU

She should be teaching her son the importance of letting people know where he is. That would be an appropriate response. If he’s only allowed to go to houses where the parents don’t take their eyes off him then he’s not going to be visiting many friends alone.

UsuallySuze · 12/01/2023 19:11

DS had a Canadian friend who was always doing this at about this age- you'd go to make a cup of tea, come back and he'd have walked home. The difference was that his parents were completely fine with it and saw it as the norm- maybe Canadian kids have more freedom at a younger age.

WestBridgewater · 12/01/2023 19:13

I wouldn’t be upstairs working if I had primary school aged children round. I’d be popping in every so often to see if they needed anything, weren’t arguing, and so they know I’m about. It’s fun here 😜

Poppins2016 · 12/01/2023 19:14

AlisonDonut · 12/01/2023 18:01

I agree he can't come again of he can't be trusted to let you know he has left the house.

I think this is the perfect response.

In September this year at age age 11 (year 7) most children become responsible for getting themselves to/from school on the bus/walking/etc...

watcherintherye · 12/01/2023 19:14

Reply -
“I’m sorry you are upset, but I think you are being unreasonable. I was expecting all the boys to leave and walk home at about 5pm as usual. I wasn’t aware X was not allowed to walk home on his own. In any case, he left before the others without saying anything to anyone, so I wasn’t aware he had gone. My supervision of the boys is age appropriate and I cannot undertake to be in the room with 10 and 11 year olds at all times. I am always available somewhere in the house if there are any problems, and at their age I would expect them to come and tell me when they are leaving.”

JennyJenny8675309 · 12/01/2023 19:16

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 12/01/2023 18:21

I think my reply would be:

I’m sorry this happened - it was a shock for both of us. I’d hate for ‘little Jimmy’ to not be able to come over in future so please tell him he is welcome but he must let me know if he’s leaving.

It acknowledges the shock, accepts no responsibility for his behaviour, sets boundaries in place for the future and gives her zero wiggle room to blame you.

Perfect response.

NoSquirrels · 12/01/2023 19:16

I think you’ve done all you can in this scenario.

The onus here should be on the 10-11 year olds to be where they are expected and permitted to be. It’s not a situation where you’d expect to have eyes on them the whole time like a younger child.

So the boy in question needed to say what he was doing (and then your son needed to just give you a courtesy ‘X is walking home now’ shout up the stairs) and the rest of the group need to pay more attention to what the others are up to - ask them where they’re going if they leave.

But it’s no big deal in the grand scheme of things as no harm done. I’m sure the other parent will realise that too.

YoBeaches · 12/01/2023 19:17

It's a bit odd that the boy can make his own plans after school, walk home in the dark, but not have a key to his own house to get in.

Where was she?

Seems like a bit of projection blaming you for lack of supervision when actually, where was she?

I think your response is fine. You had clearly done her a favour by having him around at all.

StaunchMomma · 12/01/2023 19:17

If the Mum is angry at anyone it should be her child. At that age they should know not to just leave without telling people first.

The 'supervision' argument is bonkers - who hovers around a bunch of 10 year old boys, gaming?! To me, being in the house, listening out and them knowing you are just upstairs is more than enough.

Cherryblossoms85 · 12/01/2023 19:17

She is in the wrong. It's her child, he should know he can't just up sticks. Fine then, he came come. Oh well.

ComfortablyDazed · 12/01/2023 19:18

watcherintherye · 12/01/2023 19:14

Reply -
“I’m sorry you are upset, but I think you are being unreasonable. I was expecting all the boys to leave and walk home at about 5pm as usual. I wasn’t aware X was not allowed to walk home on his own. In any case, he left before the others without saying anything to anyone, so I wasn’t aware he had gone. My supervision of the boys is age appropriate and I cannot undertake to be in the room with 10 and 11 year olds at all times. I am always available somewhere in the house if there are any problems, and at their age I would expect them to come and tell me when they are leaving.”

The OP’s actual response was a lot more succinct, less defensive, and on point.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/01/2023 19:19

👍🏻 message OP.

He shouldn't be wandering off without saying he's going.

They're old enough for you not to be hovering over them. He's not a toddler you have to lock in.

He's old enough to to know not to just walk into your house unannounced and the same goes for walking out of it.

The mum was clearly rattled and over reacted. She needs to have a chat with her lad.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 12/01/2023 19:22

Absolute storm in a teacup don’t think you need to change anything. Same set up here with my 10yo and I don’t track his friends movements at all - HE is expected to keep me up to date on where he is but that’s it. If it’s a friend who doesnt regularly visit I make sure they have told their mum/dad but otherwise they all just drift from house to house and I never know who I’m going to find raiding my fridge. If her son is old enough to be trusted to go randomly to friends houses he is responsible for this not you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2023 19:24

Good message. One of my dd friends goes AWOL. When the kids go out and about alone, I always emphasise the importance of being together. It’s more for this girl, to look after her rather than dd, who does what is agreed. In your position, the next time the boy comes over, I’d remind him of house rules thr he must tell you if he’s leaving.

WestBridgewater · 12/01/2023 19:25

I’m just wondering how many PP that say that the OP’s supervision was satisfactory would have been that blasé if they had turned up to collect their child to discover he was missing. Of course the boy’s mother is justifiably upset.

pocketvenuss · 12/01/2023 19:26

Sprig1 · 12/01/2023 18:07

I am with her. If my child is at someone else's house I would, as a minimum, expect them to know if he was in the house or not.

So in this scenario what would you have done as the adult in the house?

Twiglets1 · 12/01/2023 19:26

This isn't your fault, she wasn't paying you to be his childminder. I would try not to respond at all because she is probably just lashing out as upset and will feel foolish tomorrow.

orchid220 · 12/01/2023 19:28

WestBridgewater · 12/01/2023 19:25

I’m just wondering how many PP that say that the OP’s supervision was satisfactory would have been that blasé if they had turned up to collect their child to discover he was missing. Of course the boy’s mother is justifiably upset.

I'm not surprised she is upset but she should be upset with her DS for leaving and not telling anyone. He is old enough to know that he shouldn't do that.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 12/01/2023 19:30

WestBridgewater · 12/01/2023 19:25

I’m just wondering how many PP that say that the OP’s supervision was satisfactory would have been that blasé if they had turned up to collect their child to discover he was missing. Of course the boy’s mother is justifiably upset.

He wasn’t missing. He’d walked home.

pocketvenuss · 12/01/2023 19:30

WestBridgewater · 12/01/2023 19:25

I’m just wondering how many PP that say that the OP’s supervision was satisfactory would have been that blasé if they had turned up to collect their child to discover he was missing. Of course the boy’s mother is justifiably upset.

Upset yes. But the blame is being placed on the wrong person. It's completely unreasonable to expect the OP to be sitting watching dc at that age. The upset mum has fine a poor job in raising her ds to communicate properly. And thank the host. The blame is squarely on the 10 year old and his parents. Not the OP.

converseandjeans · 12/01/2023 19:31

@Sprig1

I am with her. If my child is at someone else's house I would, as a minimum, expect them to know if he was in the house or not.

It sounds like OP was working from home & that the boys often go to each other's houses.

She is annoyed with the wrong person. Her DS was in the wrong. Except it sounds like it's normal for him to walk anyway.

She needs to calm down a bit. Was she even home herself after school?

Twiglets1 · 12/01/2023 19:32

orchid220 · 12/01/2023 19:28

I'm not surprised she is upset but she should be upset with her DS for leaving and not telling anyone. He is old enough to know that he shouldn't do that.

Show quote history

Exactly, it's the boys fault if anyones.
The mum shouldn't have lashed out at OP, she should have a conversation with her son if she is worried about him doing what he did, walk a short distance on his own at 5pm.

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