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Original poster

Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

369 replies

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 17:56

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

OP posts:
MichaelFabricantWig · 13/01/2023 23:20

If they are primary 7 then anyone that is 10 will be turning 11 in the next few weeks or so at the latest due to way the school year cut off goes in Scotland. Some may be either already or about to turn 12. They are not just turned 10 year olds, not that it would make any difference.

Ohhmydays · 13/01/2023 23:21

MichaelFabricantWig · 13/01/2023 22:55

Not looked after like a cm would look after kids

he’s in primary 7 and will be in high school in a few months, he isn’t a toddler. Kids of that age don’t need much supervision and can feasibly play an x box when an adult is elsewhere:working.

how on Earth can she be responsible for a kid sitting in a different part of the house upping and leaving?

the kid’s mother is insane and a lot of these responses aren’t any better.

Show quote history

100% agree. When my son was p6 him and his friends used to get the bus in to next town to go swimming. Kids can go swimming there selfs from age 8 so am sure if they can swim on there own there capable of sitting in a room playing Xbox on their own

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/01/2023 00:09

Ohhmydays · 13/01/2023 23:21

100% agree. When my son was p6 him and his friends used to get the bus in to next town to go swimming. Kids can go swimming there selfs from age 8 so am sure if they can swim on there own there capable of sitting in a room playing Xbox on their own

Show quote history

Totally agree! Some of these responses are bonkers! Children aged 9/10/11 are allowed to walk to and from school alone, so clearly don't require constant supervision. Of course parents can make their own judgements and if a child is particularly un-streetwise maybe they would choose to keep a closer eye, but if the parent here was happy for her DS to come home from school and do - whatever - until she came home at 5pm, then she ought to trust him to go home early if he chose to.

My children would have had friends round at that age and maybe played outside in the garden. Any of them could have left and gone home - I certainly wasn't outside stalking their every moves. But most children that age would at least say something to their friends before leaving, anyway. This scenario was just a case of several crossed wires.....

Not OP's responsibility at all. Ridiculous!

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Whalesong · 14/01/2023 03:37

Poppingmad123 · 13/01/2023 18:04

I think it’s your responsibility at the end of the day as the child’s at your house. You should lock the doors if you need to work in another room so they cant just walk out. I do this myself with my children as I still need to work upstairs once they are home from school.

You should also reiterate every time other children visit that they must tell you when they are ready to leave as it’s your responsibility to ensure they get home safe.

It really doesn’t matter if they’re 10 or 15, still children and still unpredictable. Count yourself very lucky nothing happened to the child this time & that you can be better prepared next time.

You should assure the other mum of this and also ask her to ensure her child never just leaves again as it gave you all a fright. If you were the other mum in this circumstance, you’d feel the same so just apologise and learn from this.

You actually lock your 11-year-olds in when you're working?
If I knew you, that would be enough to make me report you to social services.
What if there was a fire? Would be my argument if they were much younger. Locking 7-year-olds in would be criminal. And younger children too, if you weren't watching them the whole time. Locking them in because you're working - wow!

And at 11? Locking them in is abusive, regardless. At that age they have a right to explore, spend their pocket money on fast food etc etc. Locking them in???
Jesus! I hope you're not in charge of children of any age.

Islandgirl68 · 14/01/2023 03:39

The poster is in Scotland. Last year is P7, and lad who is 10 will be turn 11 by the end of Feb, the other boys are 11 and could be turning 12 very soon. If they were in England they would be in High school. At this stage of P7 my kids would have been 12 in Feb and April. And more than capable of playing with their friends after school with very little supervision and could walk home from school which would be 10 minute walk.

Whalesong · 14/01/2023 03:43

Islandgirl68 · 14/01/2023 03:39

The poster is in Scotland. Last year is P7, and lad who is 10 will be turn 11 by the end of Feb, the other boys are 11 and could be turning 12 very soon. If they were in England they would be in High school. At this stage of P7 my kids would have been 12 in Feb and April. And more than capable of playing with their friends after school with very little supervision and could walk home from school which would be 10 minute walk.

Yes, mine got on the wrong train a number of times when he was just 11. And spent an hour and a half getting home, several times. Including with his phone having died (or been dropped on the train tracks, as it was once)
He managed. And yes, we panicked, but we didn't die.

MintJulia · 14/01/2023 04:12

PrayingandHoping · 12/01/2023 18:04

That age child should not need someone sitting watching them

Her child at that age should know better than to leave without telling anyone

You didn't leave them home alone.

She's in the wrong.

This.

SkankingWombat · 14/01/2023 04:53

Some of the PPs on this thread have an practice an extraordinary degree of helicopter parenting. My DCs are 6 and 8yo, and I would supervise a playdate to the same level as you did OP: make sure they had a drink/snack/could access the toys they wanted, then get on with whatever else I needed to do in the house whilst keeping half an ear on them. I would fully expect even the 6yo and her friend to fully understand they don't just walk out of the house (although they know they have free access to our secure garden as an extension of 'the house'). By the time they are walking to and from each other's houses, I would expect them to understand that they need to be thanking the host before leaving (whether that be the OP or her son in this case, either would be fine). This is 100% on the boy, and if he was my DC, I would be giving him a stern talking to about manners and the importance of letting people know where you are, then apologising to the OP for the scare.
Hopefully, even if she doesn't calm down and realise herself she is taking her shock out on the wrong person, she will have a moan about it to a friend who will point out the obvious. Your response was good OP, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/01/2023 10:18

i can’t believe some of the questions you’ve had on this post! My DD is at a school which whilst local to us, has students travelling over an hour on bus/train/coach/walking-they are setting off independently at 11 at 6.45am in the dark and home again in the dark. No issues there!

In the same way that if a child in a classroom at school got up and just quietly walked out and nobody noticed, I would say that child was at fault (presuming they were not in the first few weeks of reception or ND).

EarthlyNightshade · 14/01/2023 10:47

Poppingmad123 · 13/01/2023 18:04

I think it’s your responsibility at the end of the day as the child’s at your house. You should lock the doors if you need to work in another room so they cant just walk out. I do this myself with my children as I still need to work upstairs once they are home from school.

You should also reiterate every time other children visit that they must tell you when they are ready to leave as it’s your responsibility to ensure they get home safe.

It really doesn’t matter if they’re 10 or 15, still children and still unpredictable. Count yourself very lucky nothing happened to the child this time & that you can be better prepared next time.

You should assure the other mum of this and also ask her to ensure her child never just leaves again as it gave you all a fright. If you were the other mum in this circumstance, you’d feel the same so just apologise and learn from this.

What age are your children?
I'd be seriously concerned about someone locking their own 11 year olds into the house - I can't even imagine it with 15 year olds!
Lots of people would leave 11 year olds home alone for short periods of time, would you lock them in then as well?

mustgetoffmn · 14/01/2023 11:00

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 21:43

User4873628
I welcomed them in, offered them a snack and a drink, checked they were all due home around 5pm, helped one of them find working batteries for the xbox controller, said I'd be upstairs working if they needed anything. I think that's looking after a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds,

To be fair - that's not the description you gave in your op;

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working.

Also, if you were the one providing drinks and snacks, why did your ds think his friend had gone into the kitchen to get himself a drink? (later post - not in the op).

Huh? Such nit picking on here. We’re not in a court of law. But OP and update no signicant difference. Extra drink? Ie more drink? After OP set up ran out?

mustgetoffmn · 14/01/2023 11:06

EarthlyNightshade · 14/01/2023 10:47

What age are your children?
I'd be seriously concerned about someone locking their own 11 year olds into the house - I can't even imagine it with 15 year olds!
Lots of people would leave 11 year olds home alone for short periods of time, would you lock them in then as well?

Show quote history

Yes by that age they are able to unlock a door perfectly easily themselves. If it’s a question of locking and taking key that’s absolutely a no. Fire risk and many other rare but possible situations. Doors must always be openable from inside.

Abraxan · 14/01/2023 11:58

You should lock the doors if you need to work in another room so they cant just walk out.

We lock all of our doors whenever we are in or out of the house.
However, the front door doesn't have a key inside, just a knob which is turned to unlock it,
The back patio door has a key left in the door itself, so again can just be turned and unlocked.

No one should need to lock a door, remove the key and hide it to stop an 11y leaving the house, unless they have specific needs which makes them more of a vulnerable flight risk,

BadNomad · 14/01/2023 12:04

Other mum needs to teach her child some manners. He should know to say goodbye and thank you for the popcorn.

DadBodAlready · 14/01/2023 13:38

The kid should have told you or his friends that he was heading home.
But what if he had and then his mum turns up to collect him. Would she have berated you for letting him walk home alone.

threatmatrix · 14/01/2023 14:26

You are most definitely not in the wrong. What does she want you to do sit in the same room watching every move they make. She obviously had lack of communication with her son.

Goldenbear · 14/01/2023 16:08

Poppingmad123, locking up 15 year olds in your house? Do you have DC that age? If I did that to DS's friends year 11 so 15/16, I don't think they would ever return to my house. I've asked before if they are ok getting home at 8 at night and one of them looked at me confused as it is alien concept to most of them that I would even care. I mean they all have that freedom so for all I know they maybe going to Sainsbury's Local to get some food before they go home or in one night they may go between 3 houses, 15 or 20 minute walk from each or Friday they sometimes go to play football in the park and then Macdonalds, then one friend's house, then another to watch a film or play FIFA as one kid has a better set up for that, then on to another house. Nobody expects parents to even be in the homes - in fact if the parents are out as we were on the World cup semi final for example, they came around to us and the lack of parents is a good thing and a determining factor in where they go in the winter. In the summer they are just out. The only thing I said to the group of them on the world cup night was, 'there are no responsible adults here tonight so I hope your parents' know that' even that was said in half jest!

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/01/2023 18:32

Wow, I can't believe you're being advised to LOCK IN and then presumably, take away the key with you (because otherwise whats the bloody point) 11 year olds so they can't escape?

Thats insane, its also directly against fire safety advice, which says keys should be where everyone in the household can get to them (I do assume this excludes toddlers of course, but 11 is old enough to open a door to escape a fire).

OP, to be on the safe side, you should probably hogtie them all to their individual poles the entire time they're at yours, and only release them at home time. That should avoid any danger to them.

Mgi4243765 · 17/01/2023 13:38

@User4873628 she was worried because her mind took her places in imagination, what if this!! what if that!!!, and that wouldn't have happened if like you say he walked in before her mind took her there or if either you were more present to their toings and frowings or if she had taught her child to liaise with an adult before making these decisions. So no one is at fault it's just her mind using her imagination to make up possible scenarios that might put her child in danger, a lapse in informaiton giving and actually a child that was more than able and capable to do the right thing by himself... If she didn't want that at all, ever, then she needs to make him aware.

Itwasrare · 24/07/2023 13:33

I can understand her initial reaction but once told he walked out without telling anyone then it would be the child I would be telling off. You’re reasonable OP and I wouldn’t want a child coming over who was apt to wander off.

Sceptre86 · 24/07/2023 13:53

She got a fright and is upset. I wouldn't let my kid go to someone's house if the adult was working and not able to physically supervise. At 10 I wouldn't expect you to be in the same room as them but free to supervise or intervene. In this case I wouldn't have had them over if I was working. You have different parenting ideas and that's fine but I'm with her and wouldn't let my child come to yours either. He may well have felt unable to knock on your door if he knew you were working.

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2023 14:22

Very odd for a 10 year old to leave without saying anything.

Balloonhearts · 24/07/2023 14:45

For Christ's sake a group of 10 and 11 year olds should not need an adult in the same room to supervise them.

I'd text back that it is probably for the best he doesn't come over again as you really don't have time to be supervising an 11 year old as if he were a toddler.

He clearly has some additional needs that you were unaware of if he can't be allowed to walk home himself and you can't take responsibility for him if he can't be trusted to stay where he is supposed to be. You are very sorry that their son did not tell anyone he was leaving and perhaps they should go over expectations with him next time.

Coffeellama · 24/07/2023 14:47

Itwasrare · 24/07/2023 13:33

I can understand her initial reaction but once told he walked out without telling anyone then it would be the child I would be telling off. You’re reasonable OP and I wouldn’t want a child coming over who was apt to wander off.

This is a Zombie thread!

Its a 6 month old zombie people

Itwasrare · 24/07/2023 15:50

@Coffeellama it came up as a suggested thread beneath another thread I was on, so blame the algorithm…

Swipe left for the next trending thread