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Original poster

Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

369 replies

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 17:56

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
User4873628 · 12/01/2023 18:25

Bluevelvetsofa · 12/01/2023 18:22

If he left you at 4.45 and it’s a five minute journey, why wasn’t the parent at home when he left early?

I dont know, maybe she was at work? At the shops? I have no idea. And I don't know he left at 4.45, I don't know when he left at all. That's the problem. They were supposed to leave at 5, the mum arrived at 4.45, he'd already gone. He said he just walked home then came straight back so I work out that he left just 5 or 10 minutes earlier since his house is really close by.

OP posts:
UnhappyAcademic · 12/01/2023 18:26

JRHartley72 · 12/01/2023 18:24

I'd reply: 'Agreed. I can't be responsible for him if he's just going to walk out the door without saying anything.'

Perfect

MortimerTheCat · 12/01/2023 18:26

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 18:13

I also think a 10 year old needs basic supervision and by that I mean knowing if they are in the house or not. 10 year olds are too young to be left totally unsupervised for Any length of time like this. And I’m shocked anyone would suggest they are.

They weren’t totally unsupervised. OP was upstairs with the doors open and able to hear if something happened or the boys needed help

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ForestLilac · 12/01/2023 18:26

So he unexpectedly came to you after school, with your son? What if you had to take your son somewhere straight away, you had an appointment for example? What would he have done, his mother was out and was she assuming you would look after him or what?

TellMeWhere · 12/01/2023 18:27

Kid's an idiot for leaving unannounced. Why didn't he tell his friends he was going? Were they being horrible to him? Did he need the toilet (one of mine would definitely come home for a #2...)?

Agree I'd make it clear he wouldn't be coming round again unless he can be trusted not to go roaming the streets.

ForestLilac · 12/01/2023 18:28

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 18:25

I dont know, maybe she was at work? At the shops? I have no idea. And I don't know he left at 4.45, I don't know when he left at all. That's the problem. They were supposed to leave at 5, the mum arrived at 4.45, he'd already gone. He said he just walked home then came straight back so I work out that he left just 5 or 10 minutes earlier since his house is really close by.

Show quote history

Oops cross posted. So she ASSUMED you would be in and available to watch him while she was out?

HyggeTygge · 12/01/2023 18:28

Christ just tell her you had followed one of the other friends to the loo to make sure he didn't escape, when runner boy slipped out! She can't blame you for that! Grin

Original poster
User4873628 · 12/01/2023 18:28

However, if she came to pick him up and the boys had told you earlier that they were walking home on their own at 5pm then clearly there had been some confusion over arrangements

I would guess she was driving home from somewhere and stopped in to get him since she was passing and it was raining. I might have done similar, assuming that my kid was where he said he would be.

But I don't know.

Its a fairly regular thing for the kids to end up at someone's house after school. She knew he was here she knew he would be leaving at 5. He just left early, and unfortunately she arrived early and unannounced to collect him.

OP posts:
Schnooze · 12/01/2023 18:30

ditalini · 12/01/2023 18:05

She should be talking to her ds about how it's dangerous ( and rude!) to leave like that and not tell people that you're going. Lots of reasons, accident, emergency, fire whatever.

I agree with you, at that age I would expect them to walk home on their own a short distance. I would also EXPECT my son to tell the person he was visiting that he was leaving if he left early (or at any time).

I get that she's had a fright, but she's focussing on the wrong target here.

This and I’d text this to her too.

WonderingWanda · 12/01/2023 18:31

She is being a bit unreasonable, he will be at secondary school in 8 months, you didn't need to sit in the room with him. Tell her she needs to have a conversation with her dc about being safe always let an adult know where you are for a start!

Halo1234 · 12/01/2023 18:31

You have done nothing wrong.
I have a ds the same age. His friends come and go as they live near by. They would usually say bye. She is being over the top and it's ashame for the boys who will miss being together after school. All that was required was a quiet word from her to her son "say you are going before you leave" and thats it.
Leaving children thats age downstairs whilst you are upstairs is reasonable.
This is not your fault.

HelloYourself · 12/01/2023 18:33

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 12/01/2023 18:21

I think my reply would be:

I’m sorry this happened - it was a shock for both of us. I’d hate for ‘little Jimmy’ to not be able to come over in future so please tell him he is welcome but he must let me know if he’s leaving.

It acknowledges the shock, accepts no responsibility for his behaviour, sets boundaries in place for the future and gives her zero wiggle room to blame you.

This is a good reply.

SunshineAndFizz · 12/01/2023 18:34

I agree they don't need 100% supervision but you should know if they're there or not. The whole 'side door is always open thing' doesn't seem to be working. Obviously he should have told someone too.

I'd say something like "We were all shocked he'd left, even the other boys. I always keep an ear out for them but would also expect them to tell someone when they're leaving."

Patineur · 12/01/2023 18:34

JRHartley72 · 12/01/2023 18:24

I'd reply: 'Agreed. I can't be responsible for him if he's just going to walk out the door without saying anything.'

That's the one.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 12/01/2023 18:35

This

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/01/2023 18:36

Did you invite them over and arrange the play date with the parents? If so I think you should have been watching them.

If however DS and his friends arranged it between themselves and he just rocked up after school then I think it’s not up to you to mind them, at that age if their parents aren’t happy for them to be somewhere else without being watched they need to arrange the play date ‘officially’ and express that.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 12/01/2023 18:37

notangelinajolie · 12/01/2023 18:21

I’d reply and agree with her. Tell her she is quite right not to allow him to come to yours again. Not until he learns that it is not ok to just wander off without telling anyone where he is going.
’Wandering off’ is one of the first things most
parents instil in their children from an early age, surely?

This.

FavouriteDogMug · 12/01/2023 18:37

It sounds like it's a quiet area where parents are happy to have quite an easy going arrangement for kids going round each other houses after school and walking home alone. This relies on the children being reasonably responsible and letting the parents know where they are, not the other parent supervising them. After all he could go anywhere after school and tell the other parent any time he wanted to leave and noone would know.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2023 18:37

Sprig1 · 12/01/2023 18:07

I am with her. If my child is at someone else's house I would, as a minimum, expect them to know if he was in the house or not.

So, to know that, for a ten year old who can reach a door handle and open it, you'd have to sit with them in the same room the whole time. I don't imagine any parent ever does that. This is 💯 on the child for not informing t someone he was going.

Abraxan · 12/01/2023 18:38

Sprig1 · 12/01/2023 18:07

I am with her. If my child is at someone else's house I would, as a minimum, expect them to know if he was in the house or not.

Would you expect a small group of 10/11y to be supervised, as in someone sat in the same room or stood near a door so they cannot leave unnoticed?

Would you expect your own 20/11y child to tell someone if they were leaving the house?

Whilst I'd be upset to find my child missing and no one know where they were, I'd be more cross with my child for leaving without telling someone first.

I wouldn't expect 10/11y to need visual supervision to ensure they didn't leave the house on their own without telling me.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/01/2023 18:39

"I'm not micromanaging a group of 11 year olds who are allowed to walk themselves home from school/to each others houses. If that doesn't suit you, I understand why you wouldn't let him come round to ours again. Either way, he is always welcome"

Original poster
User4873628 · 12/01/2023 18:41

ForestLilac · 12/01/2023 18:26

So he unexpectedly came to you after school, with your son? What if you had to take your son somewhere straight away, you had an appointment for example? What would he have done, his mother was out and was she assuming you would look after him or what?

No idea, not my problem. My problem is whether I'm not supervising the kids properly but I'm reassured that most people think I've probably got it about right.

I'll not reply for now, I'll leave it till later.

Yes the door thing is weird. It's just a small dog, the doors are sort of wedged open a bit, one has a big curtain across it. But it's probably time for a dog flap. We've just never got round to it. We have a cat flap but the dog is too big for that.

OP posts:
diamondsandrose · 12/01/2023 18:42

Just as well he won't be coming round again , the mum sounds like a PITA. Is she going to be like that when he starts high school in August 🙄

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 18:43

TellMeWhere · 12/01/2023 18:27

Kid's an idiot for leaving unannounced. Why didn't he tell his friends he was going? Were they being horrible to him? Did he need the toilet (one of mine would definitely come home for a #2...)?

Agree I'd make it clear he wouldn't be coming round again unless he can be trusted not to go roaming the streets.

The kids 10. Do not hurl abuse at children and call them idiots. You’ve no idea about this child.

Children of 10 need basic supervision,

CaptainMum · 12/01/2023 18:44

I'd just reply-
"That sounds like a good idea. I don't feel like I should be staying in the room with the boys supervising them. And I'm not comfortable that he didn't inform me he was leaving. Glad everything worked out safely today. "

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