Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

[User4873628]

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

I'm horrified that I didn't know he'd gone. But I'm not sure what else I could have done.

We have a porch at the side of the house where everyone leaves their coats and shoes. The doors are always open for the dog. So he'd walked through the hallway in his socks and put his coat and shoes on in the porch. I didn't hear him.

Ds says they thought he'd gone to the toilet or to get a drink. I didn't hear any raised voices before he left, when he reappeared the kids all seemed happy enough to see each other, no obvious drama.

Dh and i have a bit of an ongoing thing about the open door, I leave it open because I can't be bothered getting up and down for th3 dog 10 times a day. Dh is always annoyed about the heat escaping.

Anyway, turns out 10 yr old boys can escape which means that complete strangers could probably wander in. So maybe we need to reconsider.

She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

Just say you're looking forward to him coming back when he's mature enough to follow his mum's wishes.

"Hi X's Mum,

Thanks for your message. I consider the boys to be adequately supervised given their age and the fact I could hear them at all times. If you chose not to let X come round again then I will respect that decision.

If X does come round again please let him know that he is welcome to leave any time but he absolutely must let someone know he's leaving to avoid something like this happening again.

Best wishes"

You didn’t do anything wrong, her DS did. At 10/11 he should have the common decency to at least let his friends know he’s leaving, walking out when none are even aware is just rude. Anyway, nothing bad happened so the Mum overreacted. Don’t they have phones anyway? If not, they probably should.

She got a fright and is taking it out on you. But you’ve done nothing wrong. If you need to reply, something like “when x & his friends come over they play Xbox and hang out together with a snack, I do t supervise because I’m working upstairs. Typically I gather them up to leave at 5pm. I expect them to say thanks when they leave, so I know when they go. If that doesn’t suit you, then it’s best that your dc doesn’t come round until after I’ve finished work at 5.30.

I’d reply saying no problem, shame you won’t get to see him again but as you aren’t her paid childcare and your child can be trusted to play in a room alone there’s not much else you can do really. She’s totally over reacting

Was this an organised thing? Like a play date?

Had you agreed they would all come over beforehand, with the parents?

This is the kids fault not yours

My kid was walking to and from school at 9 along with the majority of his friends. The mum should be cross with the boy for not telling am adult or his mates where he was going.

I think you were in the wrong for taking the kids word that their parents were happy with them walking home in the dark

They always walk home. This lad walked home last week at 7pm. He lives really close by.

My boys walks home from his house too.

5pm is the usual home time on a school day, at a different time I'd usually text his mum to say he was on his way home. But today I didn't know he'd gone

That’s bonkers. She is cutting off her nose to spite her face here!

I would reply with a thumbs up. Take no notice.

Do you think the son will be cross that his mates all carry on coming round hours and he isn’t allowed?!

Tell her that's fine. Who exactly does she expect to supervise her son when she's not even home? She is BU.

Exactly this .
Why are children treated like toddlers so much these days .
If these boys are in yr 6 they will be travelling too and from school independently in September.
My children and their friends played between each other’s houses after school which could be a few minutes between each house .
Absolutely normal healthy behaviour for that age group.
Yes a child has very occasionally had an accident ,gone missing etc but it’s very unusual and children more likely to come to more harm in their own home ..sad but true l

Don't reply in 💢,hours she'll be full of adrenaline it's scary when you child isn't where they are supposed to be.

I think I'd reply back empathising with how scared she must have been and it's horrible to get a fright like that. But that you would expect a child to let you know before leaving but you are glad that he was so sensible when he realized his house was empty. I'd say he is always welcome at yours and maybe the three of you could come up with a better way to communicate.

DDs friends and their parents and I have a WhatsApp group and will just ping over X, Y and Z have just left etc or sleepover requests It keeps it low key but keeps everyone informed as the girls aren't very good at keeping us in the loop with their plans. Ofcourse this relies on the child letting you know in the first place which he didn't.

This..

This is exactly what OP did.

how exactly do you think it would prevent a child from quietly leaving?

unless you’d sit watching a group of 10/11 year olds (and follow them to the toilet!)
how would you be confident you always know how many dc are there?

I'd reply "yes that's fine thanks". Is this Passive aggressive- I'm not sure but possibly.

I find it odd you leave a door open in winter in the freezing cold!

I don't always think People ask to leave or say bye - i do but not everyone. I also think
It's rude not to.

You haven't done anything wrong. His mum has flounced off but saying im he isn't allowed to come any more. She didn't have to tell you she could have just not allowed him to.

I’d reply and agree with her. Tell her she is quite right not to allow him to come to yours again. Not until he learns that it is not ok to just wander off without telling anyone where he is going.
’Wandering off’ is one of the first things most
parents instil in their children from an early age, surely?

I think my reply would be:

I’m sorry this happened - it was a shock for both of us. I’d hate for ‘little Jimmy’ to not be able to come over in future so please tell him he is welcome but he must let me know if he’s leaving.

It acknowledges the shock, accepts no responsibility for his behaviour, sets boundaries in place for the future and gives her zero wiggle room to blame you.

If he left you at 4.45 and it’s a five minute journey, why wasn’t the parent at home when he left early?

So there are posters that sit and constantly supervise NT 11 year olds?! Mind blown at extreme helicopter parenting there!

Fault is with kid. It is a tricky transition age though to be fair not still a child not quite a teen hence this type of confusion.

You did nothing wrong OP, and I actually wouldn't bother replying as when she's calmed down she's more than likely going to feel quite silly and it'll let her sweat a bit.

Of course the condition for your son being allowed to come again should be HIM agreeing to let you know when he's leaving.

Have you ever hosted a group of 10 year old boys? Between x-box and eating they tend to tear round the house getting over-excited. Up and downstairs etc.

I'm in 2 minds actually. Part of me thinks that I would NOT agree to supervising a child who did this again, actually. And I would tell the mum that. Apart from anything else it's bad-mannered not to say thankyou to the parent in the house when they're leaving. She has not done a great job, I would have expected her or his dad to told him of the need to tell the supervising adult when he is moving from one place to another. Even little ones know to do this.

However, if she came to pick him up and the boys had told you earlier that they were walking home on their own at 5pm then clearly there had been some confusion over arrangements. At that age when my kids used to have friends over I used to text their parents soon after they arrived to ask about what time they could stay till and what the pickup arrangements were, or to offer a lift or to walk them round etc Sounds like the lack of arrangements between the adults has caused this a little bit.

I'd reply: 'Agreed. I can't be responsible for him if he's just going to walk out the door without saying anything.'

If the child was 5 or 6 yes the mother is entitled to be unhappy. 10 going on 11 should be more than capable of a 5 minute walk and also tell the host they are leaving. Just tell the mother to have a word with the child and no he's not coming to my house again