Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

[User4873628]

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

I say a little speach next time boys are round .
"I am going upstairs I am working . If you want go home or need me for anything knock on my door and wait as i might be on call. I will help you with what need when I can leave my work.so might have wait .
If urgent please say so and I will come at once .
Covers all bases

This is the response I would use.

Hope that your Ds's friend does get to continue visiting after school but I guess it'll come down to how his mum deals with the situation herself.

Was it arranged that he was coming over after school? If not she has absolutely no right to expect anything or to be snotty with you.

Personally - I feel like it's her child, she should arrange with her child whether he walks home alone or accompanied by her. Not your responsibility as far as I'm concerned.

Oh I’m not insinuating it’s anything to do with you at all. But basically she dumped him on you, didn’t ask first, then she’s got the cheek to be arsey with you?!

I've replied to say "I'm sorry you got a fright when X wasn't here. He's welcome any time as usual but he needs to let me know when he's leaving and not just wander off. "

I was going to wait a while before replying but I'm not very good at waiting

Is there any chance - his mums told him she's going to walk home with him, and he's purposely left early/quietly either in the hopes to meet her outside (so that his friends don't know he's being walked home) or left early and quietly so that he can walk home without his mum having to walk him? If that makes sense x

That's a good text,well done.

‘I understand the shock that he wasn’t where you were expecting him to be, but at this age, I wouldn’t expect to need to lock all external doors and hide the keys or sit in the room staring at them while they play, nor would they want me to do that. He just needs to let me or you know (ideally both) if he wants to change the plans he’s agree with you so that you know where he is. Your son is always welcome here if he’s happy to let me know before he leaves next time. Otherwise I’d prefer he doesn’t come to play again.’

This could absolutely happen to me with my 9 year old. my son and his friends regularly walk alone from one house to another and I wouldn’t know if one of his friends had left necessarily if I was in kitchen On a work zoom and they were in his room. Different if they are 6, but 10/11? It’s not pre organised playdate with end times by this age. she’s being ridiculous blaming you here. Sorry you were put in this situation, you’ve done nothing wrong except host her kid!

Good message.

Realistically, the result of him not being allowed to come over is that you won't be able to do any unpaid childcare for her. Result!

This is such a mountain out of a molehill. Any normal person would be like oh he’s walked home has he. Cool.

Literally don't give this another second's thought. He is 11, not 3. He is old enough to come and say thank you for having me and the he is going, and to know why it is important to do so.

The mum should not be blaming you but having a word with her son about the worry he caused. It’s one thing to know your child is on their way home as you know if they don’t turn up to worry, but if he’s left at the wrong time he needs to understand the risks involved when an adult dosnt know where he is.

My 10yo DD has started walking home with another 10yo girl. They know the rules, they stick together and let us know where they are going. Tonight it took them 40mins to walk home, it’s a 20/25 min walk for me so 40mins for 2 10yo chatting is fine. Sometimes they walk into town and get a costa and look around the shops, they then come back to our house where the mum picks her DD up. Both girls know how important it is to let us know if they vary from what we agreed, myself and the other mum had the conversation together with the girls when we agreed to let them walk home. Both have phones to contact us if they need to.

At this age they should be mature enough to understand they need to let an adult know where they are.

This isn’t true though, is it?

The OP couldn’t hear them at all times. So she can’t send this message.

OP - you’ve done nothing wrong. You can’t be expected to sit in a room with a bunch of 10/11 year olds while they chat and X-box.

I would go with one of the other texts that essentially agrees with her position that he shouldn’t come over (since you, understandably, won’t be providing the level of supervision she deems necessary), but that he’s absolutely welcome to come if she revises her position in the future, as long as he tells you that he’s leaving.

I wouldn’t worry about the door being open for the dog, that’s a red herring. Kids that age can open closed doors. If the door had been locked shut and not possible for him to open from the inside that would have been a huge fire risk!

Anyway, turns out 10 yr old boys can escape which means that complete strangers could probably wander in. So maybe we need to reconsider.

^ I came onto post this actually OP. I don't think it's safe to have the door unlocked. I would expect my child to have to tell you they want to leave and not be able to just walk out the front door unnoticed.

I think the other Mum was scared and took it out on you...bit of a drama llama moment but I'd forget about it OP. The kids will be in secondary next academic year!

A 10/11 year old should know well enough to at least tell his mates he was leaving. Not your fault.

Maybe just text back "that's a shame, my DS enjoyed having him round to play but understand, he frightened me too popping out like that, hope you're ok. Kids eh!! " Or some such.

If my 10 year old was at someone's house, I'd be annoyed if she disappeared too. When you accept kids in your house, they become your responsibility whether you like it or not. Probably best if that lad doesn't come again. If he turned up again at mine, I'd say sorry, your mum said you're not allowed here.

Cross-post - your text was good.

Hopefully she realises the only person she’s disadvantaging is her son.

I mean, does she think she’s punishing you somehow, by saying her son can’t come to yours?!

just seen your message. I think it’s really good! The child and parent need a discussion about letting an adult know where they are. I had a 4 year old here last week and I had to make sure all the doors were locked and keys out of reach and was in the room most of the time with them - totally appropriate at that age. Definitely not appropriate 10 years old.

The kid was in the wrong for not even telling the other boys that he was leaving.
I wouldn't reply to the mum or change the supervision levels. However I'd tell my son to always tell people that he was leaving. This is a handy rule for when they are older too and in situations where they are far from home.

Good message. The boys mother needs to make it clear to him that he isn't to leave until she collects him rather than blame you. He's not five years old.

Good message, I'd have been nasty with my response to that to be honest so you did well.

If you had formally invited the kid to come over then it would have been your job to supervise. If, however, kids just come and go whenever they/your DS please then you can’t be expected to oversee them.