Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

[User4873628]

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

Obviously fine to be upset - anyone would be! - and the OP says she was upset too because it was a worry.

But the fault lies with the DC, not the adult.

This.

Because presumably he's in Year 6 and knows full well he can't just leave the school premises when he feels like it, much like not leaving a home where his parents know he is without a word to the grown up who is responsible for hosting him.

YANBU... child should have let you know, or asked, not just left quietly without telling anyone.

Had I done that as a kid, I would have received an almight bollocking from my parent for being so rude as to leave without saying goodbye/letting my host know/checking it was OK, and for worrying everyone concerned!

I'd be a bit cross with my child for not saying thank you for having me to the mum.

This

He should know that hew cant just leave without telling anyone. She should have words with him.

I can only assume any “you were to blame” responders only have under sixes!

I wonder if he's going to be one of those people that bugger off home from a night out without telling his mates? he'll just disappear from a nightclub and no one will know where he is.

I think your reply is fine, although I'd be raging if anyone had messaged me like that. She got a fright and is blaming you. She was happy to let him go out, and clearly hasn't briefed him thoroughly.
I note that you were working, what was she doing during that time? Maybe they could play at her house instead after school if she wants her DS closely supervised, unless of course she's too busy unwilling to accommodate it or not at home.

Our rule for DS (similar age) is be home by whatever time we tell him, which is always before it gets dark, unless we collect him/the other child's parents offer to bring him home. He has to tell us where he's going, and call us if he wants to go anywhere else. If his friends are at our house, which often happens thanks in part to parents who are happy to let their kids play at others' houses but never reciprocate I always want to know when they leave, DS knows this, and I'll walk them home if it's dark, unless they live very close by. I have numbers for most of his friends parents too so we can message to say things like 'send X up the road please, his dinner's ready'.

If she continues to be arsey with you I'd maybe say you'd rather not have a house full when you're working anyway.

I've noticed that these days some people think that even a 10 year old should take absolutely no responsibility for their actions and that its always an adults fault.

Don't reply to her text. Leave her hanging.

If her son turns up again, tell him "Sorry, your Mum won't let you play here because last time you wandered off without telling anyone. "

Nobody’s denying her upset, least of all the OP, who has acknowledged - to the Mum - the fright she must have got.

The OP has done nothing wrong, though.

The boy shouldn’t have left without telling anyone - his friends, or the Mum responsible for him, and he should also have said thanks for having him - something I’d also be reminding my child, had they done this.

The young lad just needs a quick chat to tell him that he if he ever leaves or goes somewhere he needs to let the adult responsible know what's he's up to.

My year 6, DS11, was at his mates house over the road tonight. His friends nanna lives round the corner and his friends mum asked her DS and my DS if they would take a roll of bin bags round for her. DS rang to tell me he was going there for 10 minutes and then would be returning here, to our house, straight away - it was a 30 second phone call. And he did. He knows it's important to let us know his whereabouts and I also thinks it important that they learn to take basic responsibility for letting people know, especially as he will be going up to secondary school in September.

Op I just read your comments not the whole thread.

I have a dog flap. Dogs will not use it. My cats use it.

We've tried everything to get them through on their own. It hasn't happened, even if we hold the flap open.

I mean I've literally sat both sides pulling ham through and they just cry at me.

I wasted £350 on this because I thought it would solve the issues of having the back door open all the time.

I still live in hope but they just ignore it. Pricks the both of them.

The OP has already replied.

Meanwhile, in the real world, this is pretty childish, isn’t it?

The OP is, presumably, part of a community, and wants to do the right thing. And - also presumably - doesn’t want to be talked about by others in that community.

Her reply was exactly what was needed to diffuse the situation.

Mum's anger is misplaced. Its her child she should be having words with, not you.

The lad most certainly did a lot wrong - he was shockingly rude.
He didn't let the adult know he was going.
He didn't thank the adult.
He didn't let his friends know he was going.
He didn't say goodbye properly to his friends, or thank the host.

Is he ND?

Text back, ok great I think that’s best. It would be expected in my house that kids would say thank you and let me know they were leaving, but as your son didn’t do that he had everyone worried. I agree it’s best he does not come again.

This wouldn't be an issue in the summer months but due to it being dark here around 4pm then I would say you should have been more aware of their movements. I wouldn't want my own DC walking home in the dark at that age.

I’m with you. My DS is a similar age and I’m not going to hover over them while they are playing the Xbox or watch them like a hawk while they are playing football in the garden!

The boy should have told the others (or you) that he was leaving early. Sounds like he did the right thing & came back though.

I’d give the mum the benefit of the doubt and think she just got a bit of a fright, but not sure I’d be keen to have the boy round again!

That is my feeling (if not what I'd actually say). How much was she paying OP for this "supervision"?

But the kid's mother clearly has no issue with her son walking home in the dark because OP says he does it at 7pm.

She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

I'd just clarify the situation for her by pointing out I'm not her childminder so she doesn't get to decide the details of how I look after kids in my own home, that I haven't abducted her kid or done anything else wrong, and if he shows up at my house again I'll let him in to play with my son as I'll assume that if he's come over it's with her permission. If she's not happy with him being at my house she needs to take responsibility for him and do something to prevent that happening, such as talking to her child about what he is and isn't allowed to do and monitoring him to ensure he follows her instructions. Then I'd block her number.

Good reply. You were right not to accept responsibility. He's 10 for goodness sake, not a toddler wandering out of the house.