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Original poster

Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

369 replies

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 17:56

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

OP posts:
Clavinova · 13/01/2023 21:15

MichaelFabricantWig
tell her .... you aren’t a childminder

But she's happy for other parents to 'look after' her child -

"I love that ds has friends, I love that they are comfortable in our home, I love that he's welcome and looked after in theirs"

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 21:18

EarthlyNightshade
This is an internet forum and people are just throwing ideas about

Fair enough - I'm just throwing my ideas about as well.

Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 21:31

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 21:09

sunglassesonthetable
So you think the OP is also withholding this info?

I thought she avoided answering my query - yes.

I'm sorry, I missed your query. I'm happy to answer it now if you ask again, I'm not going back through all the comments to find it.

What else?

My choice of words when I said "look after". I welcomed them in, offered them a snack and a drink, checked they were all due home around 5pm, helped one of them find working batteries for the xbox controller, said I'd be upstairs working if they needed anything. I think that's looking after a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds, that's what I'd hope another parent would do to "look after" my child if he was visiting.

The exact age of the kid- I'm not sure. They're all in primary 7 in Scotland, one I know is the youngest in the year so he's not 11 yet, some of the oldest kids in the class will be nearly 12. I'm pretty sure this boy is already 11 but I couldn't swear to that. Most of them are 11 actually, if we're nit picking.

OP posts:

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Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 21:34

Well if we're nit picking I'd better get it right. I meant most of the class will be 11 already. Of the kids who were here yesterday one is definitely still just 10, 2 are definitely 11, one I'm not sure about.

Anyway, I haven't heard anything more from the mum, I think the boy is usually not around on Friday afternoons so I don't know if he's still not allowed or of he's just busy.

OP posts:
Clavinova · 13/01/2023 21:43

User4873628
I welcomed them in, offered them a snack and a drink, checked they were all due home around 5pm, helped one of them find working batteries for the xbox controller, said I'd be upstairs working if they needed anything. I think that's looking after a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds,

To be fair - that's not the description you gave in your op;

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working.

Also, if you were the one providing drinks and snacks, why did your ds think his friend had gone into the kitchen to get himself a drink? (later post - not in the op).

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 21:47

I'm sorry, I missed your query. I'm happy to answer it now if you ask again, I'm not going back through all the comments to find it

I queried whether you had said anything to indicate that you were working and didn't want to be disturbed - but apparently you have answered that now.

Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 21:48

Fuck's sake.

I microwaved the popcorn in the kitchen. I can't remember the exact make of the popcorn but its one of the packs you need to microwave and the microwave is in the kitchen. One of the kids then carried the popcorn and the juice (did I mention the juice earlier? They definitely had juice.) into the living room where the xbox is. I didn't carry the popcorn into the living room. One of the kids came through and asked for batteries for his controller. I got them out of the recharging thing which is also in the kitchen and he took them through to the living room himself.

So you're right, I didn't actually set them up in the room, I assumed they could do the actual sitting down part themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 21:51

Maybe the kid wanted another drink? The tap is also in the kitchen.

And no I didn't say they couldn't disturb me, I said I would be upstairs if they needed anything. I think. That's what I would usually have said. It was a completely uneventful thing, I didn't pay that much attention to what I actually said.

I also don't think I specifically said that they could go and help themselves to another drink, I just assumed that they would know that it was okay for them to use the tap.

If I even thought about it in that much detail at all.

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 13/01/2023 21:52

Not reading 13 pages, but at that age, I was well trained to say, "Thank you for having me," before I left and to not just wander off. I'd probably text the mother back something like, "Sorry that happened. As far as I knew, they were all staying in one place playing games. I had no idea x would leave without letting me know. I understand if you don't want him to come here again but, if you change your mind, I'll make sure he knows not to leave without letting me know next time as I may need to be working upstairs."

I'm not sure I'd want to be in charge of someone who's likely to just walk off. Most kids that age would know better.

Islandgirl68 · 13/01/2023 21:54

Last year in primary school in Scotland is the same as first year in High school in England. You read stories of English kids living in London and the surrounding areas jumping on and off the tubes to get to and from school at the same age. Living 5 mins from your house should not have been a problem. The child should of said he was going home. My kids at this time in P7 would have been 12 in February and April. So should have been learning skills to be more independent at this age.

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 22:05

User4873628
I said I would be upstairs if they needed anything. I think.

Personally I think that's quite an important detail - whether you said that or not.

And no I didn't say they couldn't disturb me

You would only have to imply it. Have any of your son's friends ever come upstairs to your work room to ask for something? Do you ever ask the boys to be a bit quieter because you are working?

sunglassesonthetable · 13/01/2023 22:09

You would only have to imply it. Have any of your son's friends ever come upstairs to your work room to ask for something? Do you ever ask the boys to be a bit quieter because you are working?

When you say 'ever' how long do you mean?

You are so overthinking this.

Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 22:16

sunglassesonthetable · 13/01/2023 22:09

You would only have to imply it. Have any of your son's friends ever come upstairs to your work room to ask for something? Do you ever ask the boys to be a bit quieter because you are working?

When you say 'ever' how long do you mean?

You are so overthinking this.

Thank you.

Yes they've recently asked me for batteries, shouted up that they're going out to the park, come up looking for a football pump, all sorts.

I regularly ask them to stop yelling whether I'm working or not FIFA seems to involve a ridiculous amount of yelling and cheering.

OP posts:
Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 22:18

In fact I maybe didn't even say I was working, maybe I just said I'd be upstairs. Given what a non-event the whole thing was at this point in the afternoon I didn't take notes.

OP posts:
mdinbc · 13/01/2023 22:19

Some here are getting way to particular... I believe OP welcomed them, set them up for snacks and let them know she was upstairs. The boy should not have left without saying anything, and I can understand how the others may have been so engrossed in the game not to have noticed he wasn't there. I would say something to the boy the next time you see him. Some others here have had good responses for the mum, including teaching her son manners.

I had one little fella in my neighbourhood that would do the same at a much younger age. One time I chased him up the street, because he was too young to walk home on his own! I did tell him off (nicely) that he wasn't to leave without me or his mum walking him home. As he got older I found him a bit difficult to have around, and he didn't fit well into my boy's group. He would want to leave as soon as things weren't going his way. By that time my son would know to let me know that he had left, so I could call his mum to let her know.

Sunsetintheeast · 13/01/2023 22:19

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 22:05

User4873628
I said I would be upstairs if they needed anything. I think.

Personally I think that's quite an important detail - whether you said that or not.

And no I didn't say they couldn't disturb me

You would only have to imply it. Have any of your son's friends ever come upstairs to your work room to ask for something? Do you ever ask the boys to be a bit quieter because you are working?

Get a grip, we’re not in court.

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 22:19

Most of them are 11 actually, if we're nit picking

Yes - I could nit pick on the boy's age. You said:

Anyway, turns out 10 yr old boys can escape..

They're nearly 11...

Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 22:24

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 22:19

Most of them are 11 actually, if we're nit picking

Yes - I could nit pick on the boy's age. You said:

Anyway, turns out 10 yr old boys can escape..

They're nearly 11...

You're ridiculous.

I'll tell you something else, I put ds10 earlier when he's actually 11. Lock me up and throw away the key.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 13/01/2023 22:24

*Yes - I could nit pick on the boy's age. You said:

Anyway, turns out 10 yr old boys can escape..

They're nearly 11...*

It wasn't a police statement. it doesn't matter. Seriously that has no bearing.

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 22:32

User4873628
You're ridiculous

I don't think so - it doesn't help that you keep changing the narrative.

Age 10 is quite young I think - in fact the age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is 12.

exaltedwombat · 13/01/2023 22:37

No-ones done anything terribly wrong. Mum's had a small shock. As far as possible, stand back while she comes to terms with it.

Original poster
User4873628 · 13/01/2023 22:41

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 22:32

User4873628
You're ridiculous

I don't think so - it doesn't help that you keep changing the narrative.

Age 10 is quite young I think - in fact the age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is 12.

Lucky he didn't murder anyone on his way home then or I'd be in big trouble. It's been fun chatting to you, I'm not reading any more now.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 13/01/2023 22:48

You didn’t invite them round? They turned up of
their own accord, I don’t think you have a responsibility to keep tabs on them. The mum needs to tell her child to
go straight home if she’s not happy for them to be independent. A child who is ok to get themselves home from school and take themselves to a friends house isn’t a child who needs supervising. Do they not have phones ? If you’d specifically contacted mum to arrange a play date I think you take responsibility otherwise not your real Responsibility to keep tabs on them.

MichaelFabricantWig · 13/01/2023 22:55

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 21:15

MichaelFabricantWig
tell her .... you aren’t a childminder

But she's happy for other parents to 'look after' her child -

"I love that ds has friends, I love that they are comfortable in our home, I love that he's welcome and looked after in theirs"

Not looked after like a cm would look after kids

he’s in primary 7 and will be in high school in a few months, he isn’t a toddler. Kids of that age don’t need much supervision and can feasibly play an x box when an adult is elsewhere:working.

how on Earth can she be responsible for a kid sitting in a different part of the house upping and leaving?

the kid’s mother is insane and a lot of these responses aren’t any better.

MeinKraft · 13/01/2023 22:59

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 19:48

MeinKraft
They're 11, they don't need a parent in the room supervising them at all times

Actually they're 10 (what month is the boy's birthday by the way?) - but no, of course they don't need a parent in the room supervising them at all times.

Yesterday I queried whether the op had said anything to indicate that she was working and didn't want to be disturbed. She chose not to answer that query, although she did answer my other query in the same post.

Right well if they don't need a parent in the room supervising at all times then stop trying to insinuate that OP has broken some kind of law by letting them play the Xbox in a room downstairs. Also I'm sure it's none of anyone's business what month the kids birthday is.

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