Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

[User4873628]

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

This from the OPs first post

“DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk”.

Unless you agree with parent to look after child you can't be mad. Kids grow up and if child is at someone's house, unless you contact parent like a play date, then you've let the child go there trusting them. If you can't trust your child keep them at home. Rules have to change on par with kids growing up

Wow, thank you, then I misread the OP. Then they should absolutely know better! 11-year-olds hear travel up to an hour on public transport to get to school and are expected to walk home etc.
Parents collecting them 5 minutes walk away? Geee.

Here, not here!

Don’t reply with something snotty that will hurt your sons relationship- the posters here don’t have to live in your life. Just say your sorry that happened and that she is upset and that you hope friends son will tell you in the future if he has an issue or wants to go home so there is no confusion and worry. Then leave it in her court IMO

Oh sorry I just saw your reply - that was perfect IMO

She’s had a scare and she’s taking it out on you. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I wouldn’t immediately message back. Let her decompress. She might apologise. If she doesn’t it’s her loss.

The mum’s reaction was probably just driven by worry that she didn’t know where he was and they’d missed each other. I’ve got a son in P7 and think this kind of thing sounds totally normal.
I also work from home and definitely don’t ‘supervise’ at that age. The way I know how many are in the house is by how many pairs of shoes I trip over when I go downstairs to get myself a coffee.

The side door is often open and they just come and go, walk down to the local loch or football pitch or shops together. Similarly to yours, everyone goes home around 5 unless parents know they’re staying for dinner. Formal play dates morphed into hanging out with your mates in about P5/6. It’s one reason we’ve given up in our ‘no phone till secondary’ stance - we know we can contact him and he us, and I can see where he is if I really need. I assume it’ll just blow over but as you, I couldn’t have kids here during the weekday if the parents expected me to watch them closely which would be a huge shame

@User4873628

Would you mind updating us please if and when you get a response from her.

I'm sure many of us will be overinvested as per.

I think you were lucky that nothing significant happened to the child. Legally , if it had you would have been prosecuted for lack of supervision. Yes, he should have said he was leaving and said goodbye but the responsibility for him when he is in your home lies with you

Absolute nonsense

No reply. I wasn't really expecting one tbh.

We'll see if he turns up at the door over the weekend.

This is all so weird to me. The kids often go to each others houses after school. They're nearly 11.

I work at home on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays. It doesn't matter to me if ds comes home here by himself, comes home with some friends or goes to someone else's house.

I seem to have upset you.

That wasn't my intention.

What I'm trying to say is that unless you have been asked to keep these kids until 5 then any of them should be able to go home when they wish without a problem.

Of course they should tell someone, but if they have only come to play then leaving when they wish shouldn't matter.

If he had told you that he was leaving-would you have stopped him?

Or just let him go assuming that someone was home?

And of course that he could easily come back to you if that wasn't the case.

Surely the issue is that as parents you're all happy for your DCs to have a five minute walk home at 5pm but none of you let your DCs wander about the streets for an indefinite period of time. That's a completely different skillset and permission level.
None of you actually know how long this boy was out of the house.
And yy you could say 'well he shouldn't have left' but as a parent it's quite different to say I trust my DC to behave in someone's house with adult supervision compared to I trust them to wander about outside on their own with no-one knowing exactly where they are.
We have neighbours with DCs nearby. We have exactly the same sort of arrangement. None of the parents would be happy if a DC could just wander off for an indefinite period of time.

Of course no one wants a 10 year old to wander off indefinitely but a responsible parent who knows her child well should be able to judge if they can be trusted or not. Some children of this age may not be ready for lack of supervision but most are.

In this case the boy went home but he was wrong, not to say rude, not to have said goodbye to someone even if it wasn't the parent.

If I were his mother, I'd explain this to him and give him another chance. If he kept doing it, I'd think again as to how to approach it.

I understand the mother panicked but she is the only one who can deal with the situation and she shouldn't have blamed OP. A discussion with her is reasonable though so OP is aware for the future.

Theoretically most 10 year olds probably have many chances in a day at home to open the door and leave their residence because they are not being directly supervised. But parents of children likely to do this probably already know if this is the case.

This mother has experienced something new from her son and needs to talk to HIM about it. This is what growing up is about.

I think if it is the norm where you live then it is funny to expect that you would change that understanding for this one child. The Mother has a right to feel as she does but she shouldn't have expressed it to you if you have the set up you describe. My DD is in year 7 in England and when she goes to after school activities like Drama club, she comes out at 4.30ish but I'm not really happy about her walking home in the dark on her own, I will try and collect her but if working I would ask her 15 year old brother to meet her half way. That said, my concerns are that we are in a city location not suburbia, she is about 20 mins walk and there are no school children around walking in a similar direction. Certainly, in year 6 (end of primary) the parents would know if she was at their house and she would be dropped home or picked up at 5pm but again they are not all 5 mins from each other. Some where though and still not allowed. Recently, my DD was walking home on her own from a club as it was one time I couldn't make it due to work, this was before Christmas and her friend from her old school saw her (they now go to different secondary schools) and her Mum gave DD a lift home as she said it was cold and dark. I did feel a little judged but that is probably my paranoia.

I would say that when DS was in year 7 so a year above your group of boys, he was at a friend's house after school, gaming with other boys like your set up and he told me there was a parent there, there wasn't and the boys fell out, DS left early and I couldn't locate him for an hour. When I went to the house on way back from work the 17 year old brother didn't have a clue but he was supposed to be supervising. Now I have a nearly 16 year old DS I can see how that was an imposition on the brother who had his own friends around. I would also say that my 15 year old's friends come and go and some do say 'thanks, bye' but half of them don't as I am WFH and wouldn't have a clue who was around unless I went to the kitchen and saw them on route. I don't mind if they acknowledge me on way out or not I don't think it is rude but It is different as they are 15/16 and I don't know any of the parents but around here I would certainly but asked what happened to them if they were 10/11.

Of course no one wants a 10 year old to wander off indefinitely but a responsible parent who knows her child well should be able to judge if they can be trusted or not. Some children of this age may not be ready for lack of supervision but most are.
The point is the mum judged he could be trusted in a house with adult supervision. She trusted he could complete a 5 minute walk at 5pm with an adult seeing him off from one house and others knowing when to expect him at his own house.
She never said he could be trusted without adult supervision (and I know OP was in the house but she wasn't close enough to know when or why he left so at the point when the 10-yr-old walked out, he was leaving a group of DCs not adult supervision). None of the parents said their DCs could be trusted if left alone.

My son would have been fine at this age with an adult in the house. Many are and don't just take off home when they feel like it.
If you child is one who might take off home, then I can totally get why this environment would not be right for you. I think the mum needs to work on him not taking off when he feels like it, and I would avoid having him round until that was sorted out.

Tbh OP you are a better person than me as having all those DC around is not something I would be happy to do as in my area the expectation is certainly helicopter style. When I have one friend of DD's over in year 7, the Mum makes a point of saying, 'remember to eat the colours of the rainbow', so the expectation is huge healthy salad with dinner, if it is a sleepover I'm told what time she needs to go to bed. In year 6 one Mum was still creating craft or baking opportunities on playdates. It is lovely of course but then I well we (husband and I) want our lounge back on Saturday night at 9 rather than giving it completely over to the DC and their dance routines, or dreary teen dramas on Netflix. It is not that I don't want to see them but you've seen it all night. The trouble is our house is the smallest and they don't have huge rooms to perform in. My DS of course pretty much goes straight to room with friends or they go out to someone's house that is bigger than ours.

Going forward it is the behaviour of this child that has to change, not OPs.

If he is going to carry on calling round at his mates' house he has to let people know when he is leaving. Not only for OP but so his own DM can keep some track on him.

OP is not going to start sitting in the same room as her kids when friends are round.
I wouldn't be surprised if she starts saying " let me know when you're going lads " however.

I’d like to believe that my children (now adults), would have used their manners that I spent ages instilling into them when young - to always thank their host for having them before leaving. In this situation, they would should have understood this to of been the adult in the house- you, not their friends.
This child seems to of not even had the manners to tell his friends.
He didn’t allow for anyone else to have any input on him just walking off, nor thank anyone for the popcorn & hospitality.
Rather than criticising your parenting, the Mum should be questioning why her parenting has created a rude & precious child…

“No problem, the children that usually come are polite and thank me before leaving, I suppose people just bring up their children in different ways”. Oh and by the way go fuck yourself “ I think that’s a reasonable text .

I think it’s your responsibility at the end of the day as the child’s at your house. You should lock the doors if you need to work in another room so they cant just walk out. I do this myself with my children as I still need to work upstairs once they are home from school.

You should also reiterate every time other children visit that they must tell you when they are ready to leave as it’s your responsibility to ensure they get home safe.

It really doesn’t matter if they’re 10 or 15, still children and still unpredictable. Count yourself very lucky nothing happened to the child this time & that you can be better prepared next time.

You should assure the other mum of this and also ask her to ensure her child never just leaves again as it gave you all a fright. If you were the other mum in this circumstance, you’d feel the same so just apologise and learn from this.

Whats the big deal, talk about smothering a kid and turning him into a wimp

Im with the other parent. I would expect some sort of parental supervision/awareness.

If my 10yo had friends round, i wouldnt just leave them to it, work or otherwise. They are not responsible, adults are suposed to be.

Poppingmad123, I think 15 is quite old to expect another parent to be responsible for your teenager just because they come to hang out at your house after school. Half the time I don't know when DS has friends over after school as they have been and gone before I arrive home from work. If I'm WFH I might not know who's in the house as I may be working throughout visit or on the phone to work . Meetings etc. It is obviously different if it is late at night but I hope some parents don't think I'm caring for their 15/16 year olds in that way as I'm probably not there. I wouldn't expect that the other way around I would just text Ds and expect that information from him.