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Original poster

Kid left my house alone, his mum is angry

369 replies

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 17:56

DS brought 3 friends home after school. They're all aged 10 and 11, final year of primary school here in Scotland. They know our house well, they live within a 5 minute walk. I checked when they were to be home, they all said they had to leave at 5pm and were walking home alone. This is quite usual, usually I would go downstairs at 5pm and send them all home.

They set themselves up in the front room with the xbox and a bowl of popcorn. I went back upstairs where I was working. Doors open, I could hear them chatting away, all normal.

About 4.45pm one of the mums came to the door to collect her ds. He wasn't here. Turns out he'd walked home and not told anyone. I hadn't heard him go, hadn't heard anyone shout goodbye. The side door is always open for the dog so I didn't hear a door open or close. No-one told me he'd gone, he didn't tell me he was going. He just left. I don't know if the other boys really registered that he'd gone either, they seemed equally confused when he wasn't in the house. They seem to have assumed he was at the toilet. I certainly didn't hear 4 voices saying goodbye in the hall as he left.

This boy had walked home, found no-one there, so walked back to ours. Just as we were worrying about where he was he came back up the path, not at all bothered, he just said that he'd wanted to go home early so he left.

His mum is really angry with me for not supervising her child properly. I get that she got a fright when he wasn't here, so did I. She's just contacted me by text to say that he won't be allowed to our house again if he is not properly supervised. I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.

It just didn't occur to me that I couldn't leave a bunch of 10 and 11 yr olds who are familiar with our house and who live nearby downstairs playing xbox. It didn't enter my head that one of them might leave early and not tell me. It didn't enter my head that one of the might leave early at all, usually they need pushed out the door when it's time to go home.

I'm trying to think what I would expect of my 10 yr old in this situation. I think I would expect him to tell the adult that he was leaving early, not to just walk off without telling anyone. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, the kid did the right thing, he walked home then came straight back here when he found his house was locked up.

I'm not sure what more I could have done in this situation.

Who's in the wrong here? The kid for leaving without telling anyone or me for not monitoring the door more closely?

I guess me, I'm the adult. But I just didn't think that someone would leave without telling me. And they were all due to walk home by themselves anyway. What a mess, kids come and go round our house all the time and now I feel like I wasn't looking after them properly.

OP posts:
Confusedteacher · 13/01/2023 18:24

She clearly needs to teach her son some
manners! “Thanks for having me, I’m
going home now” is what I would expect. At which point you could have said “I don’t think your mum is expecting you yet, let
me call her to check” or something.

I agree that she was just in shock and lashing out at you. She’ll probably calm
down and realise what an idiot she’s being.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/01/2023 18:26

User4873628 · 12/01/2023 21:32

Responses to this sort of thing are so varied. I think it's completely fine for a 10, almost 11 yr old to walk less than 5 minutes round the corner at 5pm. It's 5pm, not midnight.

What should have happened is that I would have gone downstairs at 4.50pm and told everyone to get ready to go home. They should all have left my house by 5pm and been home by 5.05pm, no drama. There's never been any drama. So I'm not entirely sure why there has been so much drama today.

As for why he left without saying anything, ds just shrugged and said "he does that sometimes". I've never known him to do that before.

We have 4 xbox controllers and there were 4 kids here. But I don't know how many were playing at the time. I could tell from the shouting that they were playing FIFA. That's as much as I know but I could hear from the tone of their voices that they all seemed to be getting on fine. I have 3 kids, I'm generally pretty quick at picking up when tensions are rising. They all sounded fine. Ds says they were fine, the lad seemed fine when he came back. It sounds like for whatever reason he just left.

And thank you for the tips about the dog door. Maybe we'll not bother. He does stick his head through the cat flap but can't quite get his body through, it's too high up. But I think if it was his only way of getting out he'd maybe use a dog door? He does love being outside.

Good grief, I'd not be changing my doors because a 10/11 year old didn't have the manners or sense to tell me he was leaving the house.

I'd do what you are and suggest its best if he doesn't come around if he can't remember not to wander off without warning.

Watchamocauli · 13/01/2023 18:27

I would respond with below

Fine!
Your son is 10/11 not 5. Take some fucking responsibility for teaching him how to communicate.

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Mittens1207 · 13/01/2023 18:29

I have an 11 year old, admittedly I am extremely ott with knowing where she is. But in this situation I wouldn’t blame you, I would be furious with my daughter for not telling an adult she was leaving. Not only does it place her at risk and if anything happened I can only imagine how bad parent whose house she walked out of would feel.

She once told me she was going to a friends but ended up at a fayre, she was then grounded and spoken to about the risks of doing so.

So imo you anbu.

orbitalcrisis · 13/01/2023 18:54

@Poppingmad123 You lock the doors! So your children are old enough to be left mainly unsupervised but not so old that you can trust them not to escape...? The Stockholm Syndrome hasn't kicked in yet, huh? But seriously, legally, OP would be in more trouble if she locked a child in her house than allowed them to leave of their own free will. And unlawful detention aside, it's a massive fire safety hazard.

GoPuppyGo · 13/01/2023 19:04

I think a lot of people are misunderstanding the question here/m- you’re not asking for judgement about the general social set-up between the kids at your son’s school (although personally I think it sounds really nice, fosters independence and is preparing them nicely for high school). It’s about what is normally for this peer group of kids, and the adults around them.

What your asking is whether you neglected your responsibility, which in my opinion you very much didn’t. Firstly, the status quote is that kids tell you when they are leaving- that wasn’t done. Secondly, a child of this age should know not to simply walk out a door, as it’s rude and unsafe. Thirdly, if he didn’t know this yet, his mum should be seeing this as an opportunity to teach him, rather than berate you. And finally, we shouldn’t be dependent on keeping doors shut to keep 11 year olds in… they’re not toddlers.

How do we expect to raise independent, sensible teenagers if we don’t give them chances to learn? They don’t suddenly appear on their 13th birthday.

I think your message response was just right.

DadANDPK · 13/01/2023 19:11

Beautiful3 · 12/01/2023 19:01

If my 10 year old was at someone's house, I'd be annoyed if she disappeared too. When you accept kids in your house, they become your responsibility whether you like it or not. Probably best if that lad doesn't come again. If he turned up again at mine, I'd say sorry, your mum said you're not allowed here.

Do you honestly think all other parents lock the play date kids in the house & sit playing with them???

Poppingmad123 · 13/01/2023 19:13

@orbitalcrisis yes I lock the doors for safety, nothing to do with trust. Like I said, children can be unpredictable so it’s safer to ensure they can’t just simply walk out or open the door to a stranger or delivery person etc. It’s a habit I’ve fallen into because I’ve seen how easy it is for children to do this. They might walk out because of a silly argument with other children or might see someone they know outside etc. I wasn’t aware I’d be legally in trouble for locking the doors to my own house 🤷‍♀️

sunglassesonthetable · 13/01/2023 19:17

@Poppingmad123

A 10 yr old should be able to unlock a door so I'm guessing you would have to keep the keys also .....

I understand locking the door for little kids but not for 10 yr olds. Especially ones who seem to have a great community set up within their area. Would you be up and down to unlock in good weather if they were in and out playing in the garden?

Children have to learn.

Streamside · 13/01/2023 19:21

She must have got quite a fright when he wasn't there .Maybe in future just set a ground rule that they can't leave the house without it being pre arranged.

Sainte · 13/01/2023 19:26

The Mum was expecting her child to be safely, appropriately supervised. You didn’t do this, the proof being he escaped and no one knew.
I think the law demands children that age are not left alone.

Poppingmad123 · 13/01/2023 19:30

@sunglassesonthetable I agree by age 10 they should know better and should certainly tell someone they are leaving! But legally they’re still classed as children till 16 aren’t they so if anything happened, the adult would be responsible. My kids are younger though so perhaps I will feel different when they are older and have more responsibility. But again, you may know your own kids well but not others. Gardens a bit different, the back gate would be locked but I’d sit somewhere I could see them. Maybe I am OTT, I guess different expectations in different neighbourhoods etc. I just feel the buck lies with me if I have other peoples kids in my house.

orbitalcrisis · 13/01/2023 19:32

@Poppingmad123 If you lock other people's children in your house then yes, you can get into trouble. Locking your own children in may raise a few questions, but as long as there are not other locks in the house, I think you should be ok. Unless there's a fire and they can't get out.

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 19:35

I love that ds has friends, I love that they are comfortable in our home, I love that he's welcome and looked after in theirs

But in fact your son's friends were not being "looked after" at your house - you were upstairs working.

Buffs · 13/01/2023 19:38

Unfortunate, but you did nothing wrong

MeinKraft · 13/01/2023 19:38

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 19:35

I love that ds has friends, I love that they are comfortable in our home, I love that he's welcome and looked after in theirs

But in fact your son's friends were not being "looked after" at your house - you were upstairs working.

They're 11, they don't need a parent in the room supervising them at all times. As long as there's an adult in the house checking on them occasionally and able to respond to any problems if needed then they're being looked after, surely.

MeinKraft · 13/01/2023 19:40

Sainte · 13/01/2023 19:26

The Mum was expecting her child to be safely, appropriately supervised. You didn’t do this, the proof being he escaped and no one knew.
I think the law demands children that age are not left alone.

They can't be left alone as in you shouldn't leave them in the house while you go to the cinema or something. They can be left alone in a different room for goodness sake!

Dibbydoos · 13/01/2023 19:45

Wow, so his mum expects you, who is wfh to look after her child? She needed to be clear about the rules of walking home, not you. He is her child.

Merple · 13/01/2023 19:46

I think she may have not been herself when her Ds was missing. She may feel differently in a day or two. Ultimately she needs to teach him the rules. You don't just leave without telling anybody. You at least let me know where you are. I wonder if the others were not being kind or something. But he needs to know what to do in that situation. It's not your fault imv. I'd expect a DC of this age to be accountable.

sunglassesonthetable · 13/01/2023 19:46

@Poppingmad123

I agree different areas probably mean different boundaries but it is a balance between safeguarding and a healthy atmosphere.

With respect I think you might feel a bit differently if you had children of that age. They will be taking themselves to High School by the end of the year.

Clavinova · 13/01/2023 19:48

MeinKraft
They're 11, they don't need a parent in the room supervising them at all times

Actually they're 10 (what month is the boy's birthday by the way?) - but no, of course they don't need a parent in the room supervising them at all times.

Yesterday I queried whether the op had said anything to indicate that she was working and didn't want to be disturbed. She chose not to answer that query, although she did answer my other query in the same post.

Dominoeffecter · 13/01/2023 19:49

Sprig1 · 12/01/2023 18:07

I am with her. If my child is at someone else's house I would, as a minimum, expect them to know if he was in the house or not.

If your child just left without saying anything that’s on him and you I’m afraid, ridiculous

sunglassesonthetable · 13/01/2023 19:49

But in fact your son's friends were not being "looked after" at your house - you were upstairs working.

For real? They're off to High School in a matter of months. Do you have kids that age?

Dominoeffecter · 13/01/2023 19:50

Sainte · 13/01/2023 19:26

The Mum was expecting her child to be safely, appropriately supervised. You didn’t do this, the proof being he escaped and no one knew.
I think the law demands children that age are not left alone.

You think wrong 😌

mustgetoffmn · 13/01/2023 19:52

I don’t see how you are in the wrong. At that age most parents wouldn’t expect an adult to be supervising children in the same room. Especially how near children lived to home. That probably just feels like an extension of the same environment. In fact I suppose this is old fashioned but isn’t there an argument that he hasn’t been taught good manners seeking party host and thanking them before leaving? That’s the correct mother response rather than having a go at you. Anyway good luck to her excluding her child from get togethers in future.

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