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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
NamelessNancy · 07/01/2023 11:48

The two sons have different situations so the op can't have a one size fits all approach to helping them. At 27, having lived together for a year I would definitely treat the couple as a unit and not suggest he stay without her. I've seen enough mil threads on here to only imagine the potential for future resentment and accrimony. That said it's perfectly reasonable to say you are not in a position to have a couple stay with you and begin a conversation about how else you might help them.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 11:51

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 11:34

@LuckySantangelo35

What kind of parent would want their child to struggle? When they could help them? Surely you help your family if you can. As we all know, the housing market is awful. Without help I don't know how people can afford to buy!

Or maybe see them financially struggle for years... waste all their cash on rent...have to uproot their family when the latest landlord decides they want to sell up etc. etc.

I'm honestly surprised at how many people wouldn't help their children. Maybe I'm one of few who thinks children are for life.

@helloimnew123

nah at some point an adult yes ADULT which is what OP’s son is at the age of 27 has to start behaving like one.

and yeah sometimes that means roughing it in a houseshare or whatever. I did that, it did me no harm whatsoever.

bigbluebus · 07/01/2023 11:53

Testina · 07/01/2023 11:33

@bigbluebus “I also told him I wouldn't tolerate him buying lunches out every day and he was to make a packed lunch”

I find that interesting, because there’s no way I’d micromanage an adult like that! With stepson and girlfriend, we agreed they could be with us rent free for a year - own food, no utilities contribution. They had a fixed period - whatever their savings target wasn’t our business. If they’d wasted the opportunity to save, that would have been their lookout. I don’t even know what they did save.

@Testina I don't micro manage. I just know that when he was at Uni he had a take away 'habit' and I told him that we weren't prepared to support him financially if he was going to waste £30 a week on buying lunches when that could go towards his house fund. He spends what he wants - he just knows the expectations - plus he doesn't want to be here forever!

nameoftheday · 07/01/2023 11:54

The majority, if not all, of PP who either moved back in with their parents or took in adult DC were entering a situation where the host parents were in a partnership.

The OP is on her own - that makes a huge difference, even if she does not become the default cook (understandably not wanting to be restricted in her own kitchen), cleaner and shopper, even the mental household load is not shared.

This will eat up a lot of her time and energy. Added to which, the house is small.

I am in a single parent in my 60s with one returned mid-20s DS in a small place. My time and energy for my own stuff has disapeared. DS has MH issues and there is no end in sight. I despair of being to use my remaining active years for my own stuff.

I would approach this coffee meeting as a discussion rather than a decision-making event. Ask all the questions and raise all the points made by PPs. Maybe then your DS and the GF will think better of it and come to some other arangement.

Good luck!

bellac11 · 07/01/2023 11:54

The concept of 'struggling' these days appears to have changed. This man is not ill, he hasnt had a breakdown, he isnt homeless, he isnt struggling.

Urguth · 07/01/2023 12:11

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 11:34

@LuckySantangelo35

What kind of parent would want their child to struggle? When they could help them? Surely you help your family if you can. As we all know, the housing market is awful. Without help I don't know how people can afford to buy!

Or maybe see them financially struggle for years... waste all their cash on rent...have to uproot their family when the latest landlord decides they want to sell up etc. etc.

I'm honestly surprised at how many people wouldn't help their children. Maybe I'm one of few who thinks children are for life.

He isn’t struggling though, is he. He’s wanting to freeload at the expense of his mum.

he hasn’t asked his dad the same question
he hasn’t asked the girlfriend’s parents
he hasn’t tried living in a houseshare
he hasn’t taken in a lodger
he hasn’t even lived independently in this rental very long
never mind any of the other options to boost his income, like a second job or whatever.

he wants to move back I with the OP, because he says he needs to save but even the act of asking showed 3 instances of his current attitude to saving: booking a holiday, buying new clothes and having a meal out. All nice things he is totally entitled to have, but not exactly the actions of someone struggling. Heck. I’m not struggling, but we haven’t had holidays, meals out or new clothes for the last year since prices went nuts.

there are more ways to help someone solve a problem than rolling over and agreeing to their first suggestion. Especially if she knows that action will damage their relationship.

RobinStrike · 07/01/2023 12:17

Could you come to an arrangement where they are both with you for a week and then the alternate week with her parents? Disruptive I know, but gives you time on your own. But it doesn't get away from the fridge sharing etc although they wouldn't be able to build up a store cupboard

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 12:42

even mumsnetters have moved back with their parents, on a temporary basis.

Mercy1968 · 07/01/2023 13:00

I have done this and it ended in tears so be very cautious.
My adult ds was 27 when he moved home with then gf.
She seemed OK at first but ended up alienating my dd 21 who still lived at home.

They could not get on (gf turned out to a cf) and it ended in a massive row between brother and sister.

Once they moved out (obviously it had to be quickly after that) it became obvious she had mental health issues and in the end they split up and he moved back home but with a load of debt to show for the lifestyle they had been living.

6 years on everything is fine again and he is marrying a lovely woman next year and getting their own place and dd and her brother are close again but I tell you this as a warning....I m a single parent and it was relentless.

I spent many nights in tears as my family was breaking apart around me.

mcmooberry · 07/01/2023 13:05

Hope it went ok. I am another who wouldn't say yes to a couple moving in, would be worried about feeling like a gooseberry in my own home!

WelliesandWine88 · 07/01/2023 13:16

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 11:25

Totally agree!

what happened to people living in house shares or renting a not so ideal house in their not top choice of area

seems people today wanna move from their parents straight into their ideal home

it doesn’t work that way! it never has!

Show quote history

Exactly! At 27 I had my own place 8years and was pregnant with my first..I was an adult and my housing situation was my own responsibility!

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 13:21

yes but the cost of housing is phenomenol now
that is the difference. @WelliesandWine88

WelliesandWine88 · 07/01/2023 13:33

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 13:21

yes but the cost of housing is phenomenol now
that is the difference. @WelliesandWine88

It was 5years ago so not vastly different imo.

rainydaysandcake · 07/01/2023 13:37

My BF and I moved in with my parents for about 18 months to save for a deposit.

They didn't even like him that much then, but they knew they couldn't give me money, and I was just out of Uni so had debts etc. We really appreciated it and it did make us focus on saving.

Now 20 years on we still get on, infact there relationship is better.

Personally I would do it and just set out ground rules and rotas for cleaning etc.

I would also ask them to pay me x amount as 'rent' which I would save for their deposit. That way should they separate you still have savings for your own so .

I would also think about the future. I want good relationships with my sons gfs and maybe one day I will be the MIL or grandmother and I want a good relationship with my future DIL!

rookiemere · 07/01/2023 13:38

I notice those advocating this arrangement have been the beneficiaries not the parents.

Oliotya · 07/01/2023 13:39

WelliesandWine88 · 07/01/2023 13:33

It was 5years ago so not vastly different imo.

Show quote history

So the house was bought 12 years ago. A lot has changed since then.

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 13:41

i moved in with DM!
i also had DS and his GF with me

i can see it is not to be desired, but a means to an END

Miserablehag · 07/01/2023 13:45

A friend let this happen and she is still struggling to get rid of them!

The daughter and partner are 30 - working together in a self employed trade. Moved home to save rent money to buy a property to convert themselves (they are builders). She was expecting them to be there a few months before purchasing, then a few months of them doing up the property after work to get it livable. So essentially, out of the house all day at work and then when having bought, out of the house practically all the time.

Two years later, after missing the best buying window during covid, they are still there. Spending money like its water, and most weeks only working 3-4 shorter days, despite builders being in short supply here. They still don’t have a deposit and the financial landscape means its now tougher than ever. She is so regretful!

Oliotya · 07/01/2023 13:48

rookiemere · 07/01/2023 13:38

I notice those advocating this arrangement have been the beneficiaries not the parents.

But that's part of being a parent and a family. Sometimes you put yourself out to help each other. The benefit is knowing you've helped your child surely.

diddl · 07/01/2023 13:51

bellac11 · 07/01/2023 11:54

The concept of 'struggling' these days appears to have changed. This man is not ill, he hasnt had a breakdown, he isnt homeless, he isnt struggling.

They probably also could save more if they tried!

chocolateflapjacks · 07/01/2023 13:51

Tamarindtree · 07/01/2023 07:13

It’s a no from me.

It will end in tears.

Why would it? My sister and her boyfriend did the same thing at my parents. And I've lived in boyfriends' houses with their parents.

All fine.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/01/2023 13:53

I hope your discussion goes well
It's understandable you need your Freedom back after him moving out
but personally I think they're being unreasonable expecting you to effectively subsidise their lifestyle
( holidays etc) and are probably assuming you won't mind
In a 3 bedroom house, I can't see it working even if you think the GF is lovely now

chocolateflapjacks · 07/01/2023 13:53

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:48

To be honest them buying and cooking their own food is one of the main reasons it’s going to be a no. Having a rota for cooking in my own kitchen in my 50s? Every day of the week and potentially three times a day at weekends? Shared cupboard and fridge space? Fuck that!

You're not coming off well to me.

CovertImage · 07/01/2023 13:55

The benefit is knowing you've helped your child surely. "Child" FFS!

There's no end to the sacrifices that MN thinks that middle-aged and older women ought to be prepared to make for their family is there? Younger women are allowed "boundaries" but fuck that for the older ones

rookiemere · 07/01/2023 13:57

CovertImage · 07/01/2023 13:55

The benefit is knowing you've helped your child surely. "Child" FFS!

There's no end to the sacrifices that MN thinks that middle-aged and older women ought to be prepared to make for their family is there? Younger women are allowed "boundaries" but fuck that for the older ones

Indeed.

I'd also you aren't really helping them if they're using not paying rent to go on holiday and out for meals, just getting them used to a champagne lifestyle on a babycham budget.

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