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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 10:30

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:07

If you were telling me that the partner i have been living with wasn’t welcome, I wouldn’t take it well tbh.
esp at the age they are - would be different they were early 20s.

My answer would be no thank you. What a shame you dint want to support us.

@ManyNameChanges

if I was your mum I would be like oh well, 👋 happy saving

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 10:32

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 09:55

I'm really surprised that you are so set against supporting a young couple trying to set up a good future. Isn't that what every parent wants for their children!?

It sounds like you are in a position to do it, but just don't want to. If you didn't have the space/ money etc. I'd see your point.

Do you think separating them will help their relationship? I'd be surprised if they are happy with that option.

My parents let me and partner move in years ago. We both paid rent and saved a big chunk each month. We stayed about 12-18 months and managed to save £25k to buy a lovely house.

You have the option to support and build a great relationship with potentially the mother of your grandchildren?! Why wouldn't you take that?

@helloimnew123

not wanting to is as good a reason as any

op is in her fifties
she’s allowed to put herself and her wants first now

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 10:33

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 07/01/2023 09:19

OP, your trepidation is fully understandable, but I think you need to tread really carefully in talking to your son.

You really can’t say ‘just you, not her’ and expect that not to have a lasting impact.

And he will look at the support you gave his brother.

I think fair enough to say you have concerns about living long term with an adult couple as that will be a different dynamic to having your offspring back.

Personally, for a fixed period, and with firm expectations set out in advance, I would try and make it work. But if it can’t, see what else you can do to help them. Does he know you could offer a sum towards the deposit?

@DreamingOfAGreenChristmas

the brother didn’t have a gf in tow though so not comparable

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 10:35

Soooo glad there hasn’t been any posts along the lines of …

‘how dare you not do exactly what your offspring want?! They didn’t ask to be born! They’re going to be justified in never seeing you again, not letting you see your grandkids and leaving you in a home to rot!’

you see that kind of crap all the time on here!

YANBU OP

Bestcatmum · 07/01/2023 10:42

Of course I'd do that for my DS. I've offered many times but DiL is reluctant.

MintyPrincess · 07/01/2023 10:44

DN and his gf are supposed to be doing that at sil house.Lets just say it's not going to plan.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 07/01/2023 10:46

Menomenon · 07/01/2023 10:19

Say No OP, and do not mention the possibility of them living apart. I think that is potentially really damaging to your relationship with them going forward. They asked as a couple because they come as a package.

And in fact, that’s exactly how I would frame the No. ‘You come as a package and I want to support you as a couple. It would not be fair to expect you to stick to eating when I want you to eat or using the bathroom when I want you to. You are too old for that now, and it would breed resentment among us. So, if you can keep me posted about your savings, I will try to think about ways I can help financially.’

Then ask to see how the savings are going.

I think this is a brilliant suggestion.

MintyPrincess · 07/01/2023 10:50

I think its a bit cheeky of them to be honest.Noone has a right to buy.They should rent a cheaper place rather than turning your home life upside down.

littlemissalwaystired · 07/01/2023 10:54

My in laws let us live with them in my early twenties after university and it allowed us to save a huge amount of money. There is absolutely no way on heaven or earth we could've saved that much without them. My parents were willing to do the same for us (location wise in laws worked best) and we're so grateful. I understand from your point of view it must be difficult though.

Floralnomad · 07/01/2023 10:57

It’s irrelevant what anyone else would do , you are being more than reasonable by saying he can move in and she can stay over a couple of nights a week .

Rainallnight · 07/01/2023 11:00

You’ll have to phrase it quite carefully to avoid it sounding personal to the GF. She’s presumably going to be your DIL one day, so you need to make clear that it’s not about her, it’s the dynamics of having a couple in the house.

TakeYourHatOffBoy · 07/01/2023 11:03

I would do it for ds and his gf, but the difference is that we have enough space in the house for separate sitting rooms / bathrooms etc. I would really struggle with having to share space in the evenings, for example. And I agree that I would want to see evidence of them saving, not frittering money etc.

I do think it is much harder now for younger people to save and as a parent I would want to do what I could to help, but equally I can see how in the OP's situation it would change the household dynamic in a big way.

BackAgainstWall · 07/01/2023 11:04

I think you’re very emotionally intelligent and also fair. You’ve considered this from ALL angles.

Good luck for today.

EL8888 · 07/01/2023 11:14

Good luck with the chat. It would be a no from me. About her moving in but l don’t see how you can say no to him if his brother did it?

Going from 2 adults in a house to 4 is a big change. The logistics sound like a pain as well e.g. which bedroom will they have (l assume the smallest bedroom is currently unoccupied), bathroom time, kitchen time / space, an increase in noise / bills etc. The last time l moved house it took 2.5 years -this was from us having the money saved. So this could easily go on for 4-5 years, if not more. He shouldn’t have asked you with her present, feels like extra pressure to me. Why he hasn’t asked his dad is an excellent question!

bellac11 · 07/01/2023 11:14

Im surprised at some of these responses

Even without the girlfriend, this young man is 27 years old, well into sustained adulthood, having lived independently already

Its simply not appropriate to put on someone who now has her future and own life, to want to move back in. When do people start to take resopnsiblity for themselves?

Live somewhere a bit cheaper, save up, or get a second job and move forward in your own life

And thats without considering the girlfriend

PurplePixies · 07/01/2023 11:19

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:07

If you were telling me that the partner i have been living with wasn’t welcome, I wouldn’t take it well tbh.
esp at the age they are - would be different they were early 20s.

My answer would be no thank you. What a shame you dint want to support us.

Massive eye roll. Talk about a massive sense of entitlement.

The OP has supported her son to adulthood and through University as a single parent. That’s plenty of support!

At 27yrs, he needs to support himself even if that means living in crappy rented accommodation for a few years. It won’t kill him and it will help him to manage his money sensibly. My two older sons managed to rent for a few years and save and have both bought flats in London. Thankfully, they didn’t waste money buying takeaway coffees and meals out.

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 11:24

perhaps they have changed their mind op - if you have the space i dont see why not - it is a very common scenario this century

OhCobblers · 07/01/2023 11:25

As others have said if you're being fair to all your DC then yes he could move back. Absolute firm NO to the girlfriend coming too.
V v rude of him to suggest it to you in front of her. Did he hope that would be enough pressure for you to say yes immediately??
Fair contribution to all bills.
GF only allowed to stay over certain number of days as has already been suggested. Good luck!

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 11:25

bellac11 · 07/01/2023 11:14

Im surprised at some of these responses

Even without the girlfriend, this young man is 27 years old, well into sustained adulthood, having lived independently already

Its simply not appropriate to put on someone who now has her future and own life, to want to move back in. When do people start to take resopnsiblity for themselves?

Live somewhere a bit cheaper, save up, or get a second job and move forward in your own life

And thats without considering the girlfriend

Totally agree!

what happened to people living in house shares or renting a not so ideal house in their not top choice of area

seems people today wanna move from their parents straight into their ideal home

it doesn’t work that way! it never has!

OhCobblers · 07/01/2023 11:26

bellac11 · 07/01/2023 11:14

Im surprised at some of these responses

Even without the girlfriend, this young man is 27 years old, well into sustained adulthood, having lived independently already

Its simply not appropriate to put on someone who now has her future and own life, to want to move back in. When do people start to take resopnsiblity for themselves?

Live somewhere a bit cheaper, save up, or get a second job and move forward in your own life

And thats without considering the girlfriend

I completely agree with this too but think I'd find it difficult to say no when another sibling has had the advantage of saving while being at home.

bigbluebus · 07/01/2023 11:26

As someone whose DS has also moved back home after Uni, I wouldn't want this either.
Much as we love DS and he is welcome here it has completely changed the dynamics - we got used to him being away for 4 years - and that's without a partner in tow.

We are allowing DS to live rent free and in fact are putting £200pm into a Help2Buy account for him - which he knows about - in addition to him saving up. He doesn't spend lavishly but he has had a holiday as he hadn't had one whilst at Uni, although even he had the foresight to abandon the destination he wanted to go to in favour of something very cheap - but still ticked his boxes. I also told him I wouldn't tolerate him buying lunches out every day and he was to make a packed lunch. The compromise is he now buys a sandwich at a local bakers one day and has lunch at a cafe with colleagues one day each week - but none of it is expensive - and he's supporting local businesses not putting funds into the coffers of large corporates!

I think it sounds like your DS and his GF want to have their cake and eat it. They see you as a cheap way to live whilst not sacrificing their lifestyle in favour of saving to get on the property ladder. That doesn't bode well for when they're home owners either.

Testina · 07/01/2023 11:29

25yo stepson and 27yo girlfriend lived with us for a year. It was fine. Clean, tidy, respectful couple. It was lovely to have that time with them. Of course MN will have more “when it goes badly wrong” tales!

Both my husband and I, and they, are quite “busy” people. There were plenty of weekends visiting friends, nights out etc between us - so we didn’t feel on top of each other constantly. If you did consider it (and you sound like you won’t) you could ask for one weekend a month for them to go to her parents for Fri-Sun so you always have a quieter period coming up.

If you don’t want to, that’s fine. But I do find the comments about eating in shifts, washing machine availability and being like a student house a bit odd and overly negative. We didn’t separate washing: when the basket was full - any one of 4 of us put a wash on. So it was never “in use”. Yes, I washed my “DIL’s” socks for her. But my stepson washed my jumpers for me. No-one shirked!

We rarely ate together, but that didn’t feel student-y. It’s normal for us anyway - I might have an early dinner as I’m a football coach and heading out, or my husband might be late back from being out with a friend.

I’d do it, personally.

Testina · 07/01/2023 11:33

@bigbluebus “I also told him I wouldn't tolerate him buying lunches out every day and he was to make a packed lunch”

I find that interesting, because there’s no way I’d micromanage an adult like that! With stepson and girlfriend, we agreed they could be with us rent free for a year - own food, no utilities contribution. They had a fixed period - whatever their savings target wasn’t our business. If they’d wasted the opportunity to save, that would have been their lookout. I don’t even know what they did save.

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 11:34

@LuckySantangelo35

What kind of parent would want their child to struggle? When they could help them? Surely you help your family if you can. As we all know, the housing market is awful. Without help I don't know how people can afford to buy!

Or maybe see them financially struggle for years... waste all their cash on rent...have to uproot their family when the latest landlord decides they want to sell up etc. etc.

I'm honestly surprised at how many people wouldn't help their children. Maybe I'm one of few who thinks children are for life.

BubziOwl · 07/01/2023 11:38

I completely understand why you don't want her to move in.

However, I will say that my husband and I moved back in with my mother for the best part of a year. It wasn't planned, it was due to a series of very unlucky circumstances with the home we'd just scrimped and saved for years to purchase.

We only thought it would be for 6 weeks at first... that turned into 12, which turned into 6 months... you get the picture 🙃 So it wasn't what anyone planned for or wanted, and we were all glad when we could finally move back into our home.

But we definitely didn't have an awful time living together. It was doable, certainly. It probably helped that my husband is quite reserved, impeccably polite and very helpful around the house. And my mum has learnt to put up with me Grin

Of course as a PP just said, if you just don't want to then that's that and that's fine. But I also don't see why it has to be eating in shifts etc. We all took it in turns to cook and we ate together. We did our own laundry and yes sometimes we couldn't use the washing machine when my mum was already using it, but it was hardly a big issue.