My son was arrested

[polkadotpenny]

NC for this little beauty and it's going to be a long one, so please bare with me.

Little bit of background. My son is mid 20s, been dating this girl who was 22 for about 6 months. I met her four times and on each occasion I got a bad feeling about her. Anyway, this one time she was around and I was chatting to her and she said something like 'he's so
annoying', so I asked her what was he doing that annoyed her and she replied 'he's too nice, he always asks if I need anything or if he can get me anything and I don't like it.' I was stunned at her dislike of a man being kind and I told her how I would have love to have a man who cared so much. When she went home I told my boy that I just felt there was something not quite right about her. Couldn't put my finger on it but I told him to be wary.

Fast forward end of November my son went to stay at his girlfriends as he did on his days off (she lived with her family). He will generally message me to tell me when he's leaving to come home, this day, nothing. Hours and hours went by, nothing. Finally 10pm the next night I get a call. He had been arrested but from the police phone he couldn't tell me anything. They still hadn't interviewed him at that point. Finally at 1am they released him on bail, to go back at the end of January.

What happened was, they were at a club and she got really pissed and was in a mood, started a row and walked off. My son didn't want her walking the streets alone so he tried to stop her by grabbing her wrist as she was in no fit state to go anywhere. She then walked back into the club and from there apparently called the police to get my son arrested for common assault.

... it got worse.

She wrote a statement stating dates and times where my son had sexually assaulted her, regularly 'beat' her, threatened her with a gun, broke her belongings, carried cocaine with him and on the night in question grabbed her round the throat outside the club and tried to strangle her.

Reading the statement it made me feel sick. It was so unbelievable, but I knew it was all bullshit because how can she tell me he's too nice and then say he's doing all these horrible things?

During this my son was suspended from work due to his arrest.

A few days after the arrest his ex's mother came to collect a few of her belongings that were left behind and even she said 'I have no idea why she's doing this, he's a lovely lad and I've told her to drop it'.

Her statement was all lies. On the dates where these things apparently happened, my son pulled up his rota from work and he had been doing 7am-10pm shifts and when he does those shifts he comes straight home (she lived about 30 miles away, I would have known if he'd got home late or not
come in at all as he would have messaged to let me know and on the dates I just got messages saying 'leaving work now'), so he couldn't have been at hers on those days and his work confirmed he was there.

The cocaine she said he had carried with him was a mini bag of FLOUR, the police took it from her house after he was arrested and obviously tested it! He makes music videos and it was a 'prop'. So that was a bit embarrassing for her.

The threatening with the gun we produced pics where she had held a gun at him (he has BBs that he uses for
target practice and all registered in his name), it was her holding the gun
at him, not the other way round. The police searched my house without anyone being there looking for more drugs and also took all his guns!

Over the last few weeks I've been in touch with the detective in charge of the investigation and she asked to see as much evidence to prove my son was innocent. So on the days where all the apparent abuse/violence happened I got my son to screenshot the conversations the day before, the day off the abuse and the day after, because if any kind of shit went down the conversation would definitely show something. There was nothing! What the detective did say was that none of it made any sense because if he'd been so awful early on in the relationship why not just block him? Why keep inviting him over? They didn't live together so ghosting him would have been simple, instead she was telling him she missed him and wanted him over.

The last piece of the investigation was the CCTV footage from outside the club where my son had apparently tried to strangle her. This took a bit longer to obtain, however it finally was and surprise surprise HE DIDN'T DO IT! All it showed was her stumbling away and my son trying to stop her.

Yesterday we got the news that they've closed he investigation (NFA). His ex literally fabricated the entire thing!

All we are waiting for now is a letter so he can hand to his head office to say he was fucking innocent the whole time
and he's getting all his bb guns back that they took from my house!

So, obviously this has been incredibly stressful. My son is autistic and has mental health issues and the way he regulates this is by the routine of his job. Because of her BS, his routine and his
mental health has really been affected. He couldn't make sense why she'd do this when he had only ever been lovely to her. Seeing my son sob was heartbreaking.

What his pissed me off is that she's not going to be punished for lying. Wasting police time. I did ask the detective and this is what she said 'Unfortunately not, this is the unfair part of my job, where we cannot look to prosecute DV ‘victims’. And I agree, this could have been very damaging.

Anyway, thank goodness, it's all over but it's been hell, but gutted there's nothing we can do against her lying.

Are there no places of support set up for male victims of dv by men? It would be helpful for people like Christopher Donnely who was abused longterm by Hannegret Donnely and eventually died of the abuse. It doesn't necessarily have to be set up by women but could be set up by male supporters. Hopefully men have set up something like that

If you lied and gave him a false alibi - you would get in trouble for lying.

So how is it that she can lie about his whereabouts and actions but not get into trouble for lying.

Of course it’s a sensitive area.
We should never prosecute someone who claims something but it’s not proven as they could be still telling the truth and it could stop others coming forward.
But if it’s proven that you are lying then you should get in trouble.

There is a footballer on trial for rape (not sure if a verdicts been given yet) and most of the women have been proven to be complete liars.
Not only is that bad for the accused but it also impacts the women who may be telling the truth.

There’s a real stigma bout men coming forward and admitting to being abused. I use the word admitted deliberately, there’s a strong feeling that society will judge male victims and it’s a real admission that you have been a victim

either you will be blamed (you deserved it, you drove her to it, you should have done something different) which is the same for women victims I know, or you will be derided as weak (you got hurt by a woman, can’t you stand up for yourself, how can you be a man), or disbelieved (women can’t hurt men)

its no surprise that there are very few resources, as there are few victims happy to expose themselves to all of the above

Doesn't need to be a public forum where people might be exposed to judgement. Let's hope men set up resources for abused men that they can turn to without judgement, blame or disbelief. I'm surprised this hasn't been done already (if it hasnt)

Really this sort of thing should be signposted to by the police or solicitors in cases such as this. No doubt this sort of service is in short supply like everything else at the moment though anyway.

www.mankind.org.uk/

mensadviceline.org.uk/

www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-violence-against-men/

idas.org.uk/what-we-do/domestic-abuse-support/male-victims-of-domestic-abuse/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/support-for-male-survivors/

www.havennetwork.org.uk/mens-support-male-domestic-abuse/

hafancymru.co.uk/2021/11/what-we-do-to-help-men-in-wales/

www.saferwales.com/domestic-abuse

That's good that there's lots of resources

My whole entire life is spent trying to locate ds or work out what he wants/means/ is asking use he just die not get that because he knows or thought it or did it in an empty room - that doesn't mean the whole world automatically knows

Plus I really wouldn't worry with the films available on streaming outlets nowadays about another film being ,ade in private with a bag of flour being the downfall of society as we know it

Very well said.

Good list, and thanks for posting

however, only 2 of those are sources of help, the first 2. The others are great to read, but signpost towards one or both of the first two

its great there’s some support out there
its also great that those links acknowledge the stigma and issues.
I guess I’d also like to see places like mumsnet be more accepting that male dv exists.

And I think I’ve hijacked enough. Perhaps something I should start a specific thread for

op I wish you and your son all the best

Hi OP, I posted up thread: this is from the CPS guidance I mentioned re false allegations to the police..

This guidance applies to cases when a charging decision is being made in relation to a person who has made an allegation of rape or domestic abuse and one of the following situations apply:

It is suggested that their allegation is false;
They have retracted their allegation; or
They have withdrawn a retraction ["double retraction"].
For the purposes of this guidance any reference to rape should be read to include other sexual offences. The person who made the original complaint about whom the charging decision is being made is referred to as "the suspect".

In these three situations the following two offences should be considered:

Perverting the Course of Justice [below], and
Wasting Police Time contrary to section 5(2) of the Criminal Law Act 1967 [see below].
The guidance below deals with issues common to both offences. References to "relevant offences" should be read as meaning these offences.

Prosecutions for these offences in the situations above will be extremely rare and by their very nature they will be complex and require sensitive handling. On the one hand, victims of rape and / or domestic abuse making truthful allegations require the support of the criminal justice system. They should not be deterred from reporting their allegations. Nor should they be criminalised for merely retracting an allegation because true allegations can be retracted for a broad range of reasons. Very often such allegations are made by a person who is vulnerable or in the context of a relationship, often with a protracted and complicated history, all of which is bound to have a bearing on the issues in the case. On the other hand, false allegations of rape and / or domestic abuse can have serious adverse impact on the person accused. This is why these cases must be examined thoroughly by suitably experienced prosecutors who should strike the right balance between ensuring genuine victims are believed and not criminalised whilst recognising the need to protect the innocent from false allegations.

The following handling arrangements apply:

It is mandatory that all cases falling within this guidance are handled by lawyers in the Rape and Serious Sexual Offences (RASSO) Units.
CPSD will not deal with these cases during office hours and should advise the police to refer them to RASSO Units, under local charging arrangements. Where charges are sought out of hours on the Threshold Test then CPSD will follow their own Casework Assurance Process.
Trial advocacy must be undertaken by a Rape Specialist Advocate.
If the suspect is under 18 then the prosecutor must be both a rape and a youth specialist and any advocate must have experience of dealing with cases involving youths.
Any decision, whether to charge or not, must be ratified in writing by the the Chief Crown Prosecutor for the Area.
The Director of Legal Services must in all cases in which there is a decision to charge an offence of perverting the course of justice be notified and briefed prior to a decision being communicated.
This will ensure consistency of approach. Prosecutors reviewing these cases must have read the Principal Legal Advisor's Report "Under the Spotlight" and be familiar with all relevant policies and legal guidance. These are listed at the end of this guidance. Further information about handling arrangements is set out in paragraph 42 and about the CCP ratification process at paragraphs 43 to 45.

Anonymity. Section 1 of the Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 1992 provides for lifelong anonymity for those who allege, or are alleged to have been, the victim of a sexual offence. The offences to which anonymity attaches are in Section 2 and include the main provisions of the Sexual Offences Act 2003. Anonymity is in the form of a prohibition on publication of any matter likely to lead members of the public to identify that person. Section 3 provides for the power to displace this anonymity. Accordingly, a suspect or a defendant alleged to have made a false allegation of a sexual offence nonetheless is the lifelong beneficiary of this anonymity unless and until it is displaced. Prosecutors should remind the court and other parties of these provisions so that the section 1 provisions are observed and so that appropriate representations can be made in respect of them.

Core Considerations
In reaching decisions in these cases the following core considerations should be taken into account at all stages of the decision making process when relevant to do so.

Prosecutors must not resort to using myths and stereotypes once associated with victims of rape and / or domestic abuse. These include:

Victims always physically resist and fight off their attacker;
Victims always receive injuries;
Victims provoke / invite offences because of the way they act and dress or because they have consumed alcohol or drugs;
Victims report the crime as soon as possible;
Victims always recall events consistently; and
Victims always get away from their attacker as soon as possible.
This is not an exhaustive list. Prosecutors should be familiar with the section on societal myths in the legal guidance on Rape and Sexual Offences [chapter 21] . These should play no part in the decision making process. Nor should prosecutors make unjustified conclusions based on the presence or absence of injury without a sound medical basis.

The vulnerabilities of the suspect under consideration must be properly assessed and taken into account. Mental health issues, learning difficulties, age, maturity and substance misuse issues may have an impact at both stages of the Full Code test. Such vulnerabilities may, for example, have a bearing on the suspect's ability to form the necessary intention or understanding of the consequences of their actions. They will certainly have an effect on public interest considerations. Such issues, especially mental health issues, may be the reason why a false complaint is made in the first place or why a complaint is retracted and these matters must be taken into account. Prosecutors must ensure they have sufficient information about the suspect's vulnerabilities so that decisions under the Code for Crown Prosecutors are properly informed. This may involve taking proactive steps to obtain medical or other evidence on the issue. In this regard prosecutors should be familiar with the legal guidance on Mentally Disordered Offenders under Diversion and Public Interest Considerations.

The context in which the original complaint was made must be considered. A history of previous domestic or sexual abuse may have a bearing on decisions made by the suspect to make the allegation in the first place or to retract it or to withdraw the retraction. Any context of intimidation, fear of coercion must be taken into account.

Prosecutors should ensure that they have all the information they need about the background of the suspect and the person against whom the allegation was originally made. They should ensure that the police have conducted appropriate enquiries to obtain this information. This may involve contacting and obtaining material from third party agencies in accordance with third party protocols, support organisations such as Independent Domestic Violence Advisors (IDVAs) or Independent Sexual Violence Advisors (ISVAs). If the suspect is a youth then contact should also be made with Children's Services and Youth Offending Services. In domestic abuse situations this may include Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference (MARAC) notes or Domestic Abuse, Stalking and Harassment and Honour-Based and Forced Marriage (DASH) risk assessments.

The Decision Making Process
As with all offences, prosecutors must apply the Full Code Test as set out in the Code for Crown Prosecutors. The Full Code Test has two stages: (1) the evidential stage; and (2) the public interest stage. The evidential stage must be considered before the public interest stage. A case which does not pass the evidential stage must not proceed, no matter how serious or sensitive it may be. Where there is sufficient evidence to justify a prosecution, prosecutors must go on to consider whether a prosecution is required in the public interest.

Don't know why everyone is getting so frothy about bb guns, Airsoft is a fairly big hobby. Think there's around 70-80 Airsoft sites around the UK. It's basically paintballing without the paint. I'm a fairly boring, mid 30s mum of 2 and I've done a couple of skirmishes.... It's nothing sinister or gang related.

@Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie

Definitely not gang related. I live in an area where gangs aren't a thing, so if he was in one, it would only have him as a member!!!!!

Like my son. Would be a gang of train enthusiasts 🙂

That's the thing, what happened to women helping each other ect

OP, are you in a position to sue her for slander?

All the best to you and your DS. He’s had to learn the hard way but hopefully, it’ll be a lesson that’ll serve him well and he’ll never forget.

@Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace I know not all of them are, but so many are.

Perhaps, I know many because they tend to gravitate towards each other. The teen/YA autistic boys I know are all like this. Once bitten, twice shy’ doesn’t seem to exist for them but rather, forgiveness no matter how many times.

Yes, do make a YouTube channel . I think it’ll be very useful, especially for those from NT families with no other ND person.

@dolor

We're going into the station tomorrow to collect his BBs and I will definitely discuss other options with her then.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cumbria-64151441

@polkadotpenny read this article about a young woman who made false allegations about violence and rape.

Good plan. Contact a lawyer who specialises in slander and libel. You'll need their advice for this.

OP - word of advice. Be careful what you say about her: it’s pretty easy to get into legal problems if you give any details in a publication that could lead to the public identifying her.
As per the guidance above from CPS, she has lifelong anonymity, unless CPS charges her.