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Original poster

My son was arrested

203 replies

polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 01:06

NC for this little beauty and it's going to be a long one, so please bare with me.

Little bit of background. My son is mid 20s, been dating this girl who was 22 for about 6 months. I met her four times and on each occasion I got a bad feeling about her. Anyway, this one time she was around and I was chatting to her and she said something like 'he's so
annoying', so I asked her what was he doing that annoyed her and she replied 'he's too nice, he always asks if I need anything or if he can get me anything and I don't like it.' I was stunned at her dislike of a man being kind and I told her how I would have love to have a man who cared so much. When she went home I told my boy that I just felt there was something not quite right about her. Couldn't put my finger on it but I told him to be wary.

Fast forward end of November my son went to stay at his girlfriends as he did on his days off (she lived with her family). He will generally message me to tell me when he's leaving to come home, this day, nothing. Hours and hours went by, nothing. Finally 10pm the next night I get a call. He had been arrested but from the police phone he couldn't tell me anything. They still hadn't interviewed him at that point. Finally at 1am they released him on bail, to go back at the end of January.

What happened was, they were at a club and she got really pissed and was in a mood, started a row and walked off. My son didn't want her walking the streets alone so he tried to stop her by grabbing her wrist as she was in no fit state to go anywhere. She then walked back into the club and from there apparently called the police to get my son arrested for common assault.

... it got worse.

She wrote a statement stating dates and times where my son had sexually assaulted her, regularly 'beat' her, threatened her with a gun, broke her belongings, carried cocaine with him and on the night in question grabbed her round the throat outside the club and tried to strangle her.

Reading the statement it made me feel sick. It was so unbelievable, but I knew it was all bullshit because how can she tell me he's too nice and then say he's doing all these horrible things?

During this my son was suspended from work due to his arrest.

A few days after the arrest his ex's mother came to collect a few of her belongings that were left behind and even she said 'I have no idea why she's doing this, he's a lovely lad and I've told her to drop it'.

Her statement was all lies. On the dates where these things apparently happened, my son pulled up his rota from work and he had been doing 7am-10pm shifts and when he does those shifts he comes straight home (she lived about 30 miles away, I would have known if he'd got home late or not
come in at all as he would have messaged to let me know and on the dates I just got messages saying 'leaving work now'), so he couldn't have been at hers on those days and his work confirmed he was there.

The cocaine she said he had carried with him was a mini bag of FLOUR, the police took it from her house after he was arrested and obviously tested it! He makes music videos and it was a 'prop'. So that was a bit embarrassing for her.

The threatening with the gun we produced pics where she had held a gun at him (he has BBs that he uses for
target practice and all registered in his name), it was her holding the gun
at him, not the other way round. The police searched my house without anyone being there looking for more drugs and also took all his guns!

Over the last few weeks I've been in touch with the detective in charge of the investigation and she asked to see as much evidence to prove my son was innocent. So on the days where all the apparent abuse/violence happened I got my son to screenshot the conversations the day before, the day off the abuse and the day after, because if any kind of shit went down the conversation would definitely show something. There was nothing! What the detective did say was that none of it made any sense because if he'd been so awful early on in the relationship why not just block him? Why keep inviting him over? They didn't live together so ghosting him would have been simple, instead she was telling him she missed him and wanted him over.

The last piece of the investigation was the CCTV footage from outside the club where my son had apparently tried to strangle her. This took a bit longer to obtain, however it finally was and surprise surprise HE DIDN'T DO IT! All it showed was her stumbling away and my son trying to stop her.

Yesterday we got the news that they've closed he investigation (NFA). His ex literally fabricated the entire thing!

All we are waiting for now is a letter so he can hand to his head office to say he was fucking innocent the whole time
and he's getting all his bb guns back that they took from my house!

So, obviously this has been incredibly stressful. My son is autistic and has mental health issues and the way he regulates this is by the routine of his job. Because of her BS, his routine and his
mental health has really been affected. He couldn't make sense why she'd do this when he had only ever been lovely to her. Seeing my son sob was heartbreaking.

What his pissed me off is that she's not going to be punished for lying. Wasting police time. I did ask the detective and this is what she said 'Unfortunately not, this is the unfair part of my job, where we cannot look to prosecute DV ‘victims’. And I agree, this could have been very damaging.

Anyway, thank goodness, it's all over but it's been hell, but gutted there's nothing we can do against her lying.

OP posts:
RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 10:52

What the detective did say was that none of it made any sense because if he'd been so awful early on in the relationship why not just block him? Why keep inviting him over? They didn't live together so ghosting him would have been simple, instead she was telling him she missed him and wanted him over.

Its very difficult to believe the police said this. In cases of domestic abuse, the victim is often so under the control of their partner that they do act like this. They don’t block or ghost, they keep going back. If the police said this, they’re very wrong and don’t understand the dynamics of many abusive relationships.

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 10:55

I think I need to add, my son was a REAL victim of DV within a relationship. He was regularly hit, kicked, belittled, had his things thrown out of windows and broken. At the time it was happening he didn't tell me but he confided in his ex girlfriend, who obviously shared it with me. My son the soft as shit person he is, went running back every time she said sorry, however it didn't end well, it ended with my son being pulled off a bridge after cutting his arms up trying to take his life.

This is how I knew these were false allegations from the beginning, because he'd never want anyone to go through what he did.

I'm sorry for all the people on this post who are filling in tiny gaps and making my son guilty for the most absurd reasons, he's promoting gun use, drug use, does no one on here watch TV/Films? I'm currently watching a show called 'Top boy' all about drugs, guns, violence and gangs, it's highly unlikely that any of these actors would partake in it in their real life! Any day of the week you can see exactly any of these things on TV doesn't make the actors potential criminals. Really... it makes me so sad that judgement is thrown around because he has hobbies.

OP posts:
Aspiringmatriarch · 02/01/2023 10:55

How awful. I wonder if there's any way you could sue her in the civil courts over this?

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 02/01/2023 10:58

@polkadotpenny I know it's tempting to justify yourself, but there's no point on here. There are a lot of very thick people who a) can't read; and b) who invent fantasy scenarios based on not knowing the people involved.

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 11:01

polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 10:55

I think I need to add, my son was a REAL victim of DV within a relationship. He was regularly hit, kicked, belittled, had his things thrown out of windows and broken. At the time it was happening he didn't tell me but he confided in his ex girlfriend, who obviously shared it with me. My son the soft as shit person he is, went running back every time she said sorry, however it didn't end well, it ended with my son being pulled off a bridge after cutting his arms up trying to take his life.

This is how I knew these were false allegations from the beginning, because he'd never want anyone to go through what he did.

I'm sorry for all the people on this post who are filling in tiny gaps and making my son guilty for the most absurd reasons, he's promoting gun use, drug use, does no one on here watch TV/Films? I'm currently watching a show called 'Top boy' all about drugs, guns, violence and gangs, it's highly unlikely that any of these actors would partake in it in their real life! Any day of the week you can see exactly any of these things on TV doesn't make the actors potential criminals. Really... it makes me so sad that judgement is thrown around because he has hobbies.

This highlights what I’ve just said. Your son didn’t block her or ghost her, he kept going back. This is often the pattern and I wouldn’t think much of the police for saying otherwise.

DogInATent · 02/01/2023 11:02

He doesn't glamorise gun use in any video, that's for airsoft only.
Airsoft is shooting people, not targets.

he has BBs that he uses for target practice and all registered in his name
You can't 'register' a BB gun. A weapon is either licensed as a firearm or exempt. Unless you're trying to sneak past us as "just a BB gun" that his guns are Realistic Imitation Firearms within the meaning of the Violent Crime Reduction Act 2006.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 11:05

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 02:03

Why would he make videos with ‘pretend’ bags of coke and guns? This is not normal.

Have you asked him about that?

It sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. And that you think he’s perfect.

It's called make-believe. If you turn on the big box in your living room, you will be able to see images of people shooting guns, driving speedboats, herding wild mustangs, robbing banks, & having fist fights.
The millions of people employed to make & distribute these images are as "normal" as anyone else.

Why do you conflate video-making with being the victim of false allegations?
How on earth is it "six of one and half a dozen of the other"?
The police have investigated & all the accusations are false.
Who are you, to pronounce that you reckon you know better?

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:08

@RhymeHasAReason

The detective kept in constant contact. She said at one point that the ex was 'doing her head and was being a right little madam and being extremely childish (yes she actually said those words to me) because she kept Ignoring her calls and wasn't providing evidence she was asking for and that she was going to her house to get it'. She also said that my son was extremely open and honest in the interview (I guess they are good at telling who's lying), he admitted to grabbing her to stop her from walking off alone, that was never denied, but the rest....

Since when does an actual genuine nice person mean that he's a controlling abuser? My son works long hours, lives 30 miles away, the ghosting could have happened easily. If she didn't want to see him, just block him. I realise you don't know my son, but he's never been in a fight, he hates confrontation (his autism), he hates arguing, he definitely would be abusive or violent.

Also if you know anything about being on the autistic spectrum, they kinda cling to things they love and absolutely do it with complete passion. Since he's been off work, I reckon he's made about 30+ pieces of music.

OP posts:
ButterBastardBeans · 02/01/2023 11:12

A friend of my brother's had a similar thing happen to him. It never got to court as the girl had done this before and all the evidence was that he was innocent and she had made up the allegations in a petty revenge for an imagined slight but he lost his job and his life spiralled and he killed himself.

If only people close to these types made statement refuting as the mother should have done in this case. Narcs are so destructive.

WinnieFosterReads · 02/01/2023 11:12

So you know that people can run straight back to an abuser (when it's your son being abused) but both you and the police acted as though that meant the gf wasn't abused because she messaged your son. It seems the police understanding of abuse and coercive control is still in the Dark Ages.
OP if your son is a vulnerable adult then maybe you should consider whether BB guns, 'fake' drugs and amateur music videos are the best respite for him. It's going to put him in circles where his vulnerability can be exploited.

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:13

@RhymeHasAReason

Yes, his exes texts said how sorry she was for doing these things and she wouldn't do it again, and he believed her. He believed she would change, there was never any mention of any of that stuff on my sons phone to the accuser and funnily she couldn't produce the 'I'm so sorry for hurting you, please forgive me' texts either. BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED.

OP posts:
RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 11:14

polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:08

@RhymeHasAReason

The detective kept in constant contact. She said at one point that the ex was 'doing her head and was being a right little madam and being extremely childish (yes she actually said those words to me) because she kept Ignoring her calls and wasn't providing evidence she was asking for and that she was going to her house to get it'. She also said that my son was extremely open and honest in the interview (I guess they are good at telling who's lying), he admitted to grabbing her to stop her from walking off alone, that was never denied, but the rest....

Since when does an actual genuine nice person mean that he's a controlling abuser? My son works long hours, lives 30 miles away, the ghosting could have happened easily. If she didn't want to see him, just block him. I realise you don't know my son, but he's never been in a fight, he hates confrontation (his autism), he hates arguing, he definitely would be abusive or violent.

Also if you know anything about being on the autistic spectrum, they kinda cling to things they love and absolutely do it with complete passion. Since he's been off work, I reckon he's made about 30+ pieces of music.

I’m not saying he’s a controlling abuser. I’m saying the police are wrong for saying that people who are being abused simply cut off and ghost their abuser. It’s disgusting that they said it and shows a lack of understanding. Abusers get their victims hooked. They make them think they can’t live without them . And the victim goes back time and time again. Just like your son did.

Hellsmovie · 02/01/2023 11:15

polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:08

@RhymeHasAReason

The detective kept in constant contact. She said at one point that the ex was 'doing her head and was being a right little madam and being extremely childish (yes she actually said those words to me) because she kept Ignoring her calls and wasn't providing evidence she was asking for and that she was going to her house to get it'. She also said that my son was extremely open and honest in the interview (I guess they are good at telling who's lying), he admitted to grabbing her to stop her from walking off alone, that was never denied, but the rest....

Since when does an actual genuine nice person mean that he's a controlling abuser? My son works long hours, lives 30 miles away, the ghosting could have happened easily. If she didn't want to see him, just block him. I realise you don't know my son, but he's never been in a fight, he hates confrontation (his autism), he hates arguing, he definitely would be abusive or violent.

Also if you know anything about being on the autistic spectrum, they kinda cling to things they love and absolutely do it with complete passion. Since he's been off work, I reckon he's made about 30+ pieces of music.

Good too see your son was believed .

But did you really think this post was going to go well?

Male = guilty for a good percentage on here

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:16

@WinnieFosterReads

No one sees these videos he makes. It's all a hobby. He just loves the process and it's a huge release for him when he's worked a 60 hour week to just go to a place where he finds complete joy and relaxes him.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterReads · 02/01/2023 11:16

You should report the detective. Using language like that about a potential victim to a potential abuser's family member is disgusting.

Hellsmovie · 02/01/2023 11:17

WinnieFosterReads · 02/01/2023 11:16

You should report the detective. Using language like that about a potential victim to a potential abuser's family member is disgusting.

Obviously they realised she was full of shit by that point

PAFMO · 02/01/2023 11:19

WinnieFosterReads · 02/01/2023 11:16

You should report the detective. Using language like that about a potential victim to a potential abuser's family member is disgusting.

Very much this.
It's a despicable and unacceptable attitude for a police officer to have ever had, let alone these days.
I hope the press pick this thread up. It's certainly one that would be catnip to the redtops.

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:19

@DogInATent

Not entirely true, there's many airsoft target practicing around the UK, not just people

My son was arrested
OP posts:
Wibbly1008 · 02/01/2023 11:21

Can you sue her privately?

CustardySergeant · 02/01/2023 11:21

Pineappleskies · 02/01/2023 01:10

Gosh what a stressful couple of months. Sounds like you gave him excellent support and the police were thorough.

Is she going to be charged with wasting police time?

Read the OP! It clearly says
"What his pissed me off is that she's not going to be punished for lying. Wasting police time. I did ask the detective and this is what she said 'Unfortunately not, this is the unfair part of my job, where we cannot look to prosecute DV ‘victims’."

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 11:22

Hellsmovie · 02/01/2023 11:17

Obviously they realised she was full of shit by that point

Show quote history

Yes, I’m sure the police knew things didn’t add up.

But I agree, it’s still very unprofessional. Saying if you’re being abused you just block and ghost. So, so wrong, If only victims did that, but they often don’t. OPs son didn’t. And then using language like getting on my nerves and little madam about the woman to the mum of the accused. It’s not how the police should act regardless of what’s happened and any lying.

Hellsmovie · 02/01/2023 11:23

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 11:22

Yes, I’m sure the police knew things didn’t add up.

But I agree, it’s still very unprofessional. Saying if you’re being abused you just block and ghost. So, so wrong, If only victims did that, but they often don’t. OPs son didn’t. And then using language like getting on my nerves and little madam about the woman to the mum of the accused. It’s not how the police should act regardless of what’s happened and any lying.

Show quote history

It was a bit unprofessional. A shouldnt of been said .

Itsbiasedhere · 02/01/2023 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

There is a certain large section of Mumsnet who believe women are perfect and men are evil. And try to turn it into a men Vs women thing. These people are no better than Andrew Tate.vthis case also shows despite the campaign "I believe her" you can just believe anyone and should treat each case on it merits.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/01/2023 11:26

It's actually disturbing to see the posts still determined to make it all the mans fault, not helpful at all.

Runtotheshop · 02/01/2023 11:27

If this happened to my child I would make sure the world knew she was lying. If I needed to I would post the letter from the police publicly. The girl is unhinged and people need to know!