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Original poster

My son was arrested

203 replies

polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 01:06

NC for this little beauty and it's going to be a long one, so please bare with me.

Little bit of background. My son is mid 20s, been dating this girl who was 22 for about 6 months. I met her four times and on each occasion I got a bad feeling about her. Anyway, this one time she was around and I was chatting to her and she said something like 'he's so
annoying', so I asked her what was he doing that annoyed her and she replied 'he's too nice, he always asks if I need anything or if he can get me anything and I don't like it.' I was stunned at her dislike of a man being kind and I told her how I would have love to have a man who cared so much. When she went home I told my boy that I just felt there was something not quite right about her. Couldn't put my finger on it but I told him to be wary.

Fast forward end of November my son went to stay at his girlfriends as he did on his days off (she lived with her family). He will generally message me to tell me when he's leaving to come home, this day, nothing. Hours and hours went by, nothing. Finally 10pm the next night I get a call. He had been arrested but from the police phone he couldn't tell me anything. They still hadn't interviewed him at that point. Finally at 1am they released him on bail, to go back at the end of January.

What happened was, they were at a club and she got really pissed and was in a mood, started a row and walked off. My son didn't want her walking the streets alone so he tried to stop her by grabbing her wrist as she was in no fit state to go anywhere. She then walked back into the club and from there apparently called the police to get my son arrested for common assault.

... it got worse.

She wrote a statement stating dates and times where my son had sexually assaulted her, regularly 'beat' her, threatened her with a gun, broke her belongings, carried cocaine with him and on the night in question grabbed her round the throat outside the club and tried to strangle her.

Reading the statement it made me feel sick. It was so unbelievable, but I knew it was all bullshit because how can she tell me he's too nice and then say he's doing all these horrible things?

During this my son was suspended from work due to his arrest.

A few days after the arrest his ex's mother came to collect a few of her belongings that were left behind and even she said 'I have no idea why she's doing this, he's a lovely lad and I've told her to drop it'.

Her statement was all lies. On the dates where these things apparently happened, my son pulled up his rota from work and he had been doing 7am-10pm shifts and when he does those shifts he comes straight home (she lived about 30 miles away, I would have known if he'd got home late or not
come in at all as he would have messaged to let me know and on the dates I just got messages saying 'leaving work now'), so he couldn't have been at hers on those days and his work confirmed he was there.

The cocaine she said he had carried with him was a mini bag of FLOUR, the police took it from her house after he was arrested and obviously tested it! He makes music videos and it was a 'prop'. So that was a bit embarrassing for her.

The threatening with the gun we produced pics where she had held a gun at him (he has BBs that he uses for
target practice and all registered in his name), it was her holding the gun
at him, not the other way round. The police searched my house without anyone being there looking for more drugs and also took all his guns!

Over the last few weeks I've been in touch with the detective in charge of the investigation and she asked to see as much evidence to prove my son was innocent. So on the days where all the apparent abuse/violence happened I got my son to screenshot the conversations the day before, the day off the abuse and the day after, because if any kind of shit went down the conversation would definitely show something. There was nothing! What the detective did say was that none of it made any sense because if he'd been so awful early on in the relationship why not just block him? Why keep inviting him over? They didn't live together so ghosting him would have been simple, instead she was telling him she missed him and wanted him over.

The last piece of the investigation was the CCTV footage from outside the club where my son had apparently tried to strangle her. This took a bit longer to obtain, however it finally was and surprise surprise HE DIDN'T DO IT! All it showed was her stumbling away and my son trying to stop her.

Yesterday we got the news that they've closed he investigation (NFA). His ex literally fabricated the entire thing!

All we are waiting for now is a letter so he can hand to his head office to say he was fucking innocent the whole time
and he's getting all his bb guns back that they took from my house!

So, obviously this has been incredibly stressful. My son is autistic and has mental health issues and the way he regulates this is by the routine of his job. Because of her BS, his routine and his
mental health has really been affected. He couldn't make sense why she'd do this when he had only ever been lovely to her. Seeing my son sob was heartbreaking.

What his pissed me off is that she's not going to be punished for lying. Wasting police time. I did ask the detective and this is what she said 'Unfortunately not, this is the unfair part of my job, where we cannot look to prosecute DV ‘victims’. And I agree, this could have been very damaging.

Anyway, thank goodness, it's all over but it's been hell, but gutted there's nothing we can do against her lying.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 02/01/2023 11:27

You must be hugely relieved OP, but as PPs say experiences like this do leave psychological scars.

My DS was arrested for hate speech during his first weekend at university in Scotland. It actually went to trial and the sheriff threw it out in 5 minutes, asking the procurator why this was wasting time in his court, but it took a year of my DS in limbo, and cost us nearly £20k in legal costs, 3 trips for three of us up to Scotland, lost days off work and lost hall fees, all because some entitled brat (father was a well-known corporate lawyer) made it up.

Now a friend of my DS is under investigation for rape since May. He is a gentle boy who I have known since he was 7 and I just don't believe it. He thinks the girl's boyfriend is either making her accuse him, or she did it on the spur of the moment because she had cheated on him.

TheaBrandt · 02/01/2023 11:27

Unless you are unfortunate enough to encounter one of these lunatics you won’t understand.

A new “best friend” of dds at 13 did similar. Isolated her and made up literally crazy libellous sex / drugs related stories about her and our family. She later admitted it was all lies and she was “bored”. I fear for any man she has a relationship with in the future.

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:29

@WinnieFosterReads

She was aware that the allegations were false as on speaking to her taking her statement it was all over the place and she had zero evidence to back up her false claims. Obviously the accuser forgot about CCTV when saying he tried to strangle her in the street, I'm pretty sure if they'd seen that my son wouldn't have been released from his bail conditions. The items my son was supposed to have broken, weren't broken. There was no photographic evidence of all the alleged bruises (whereas my son did evidence of bruises she'd given him on his phone), I guess they see this all to often.

OP posts:
Marchmount · 02/01/2023 11:30

Has this thread helped you OP? I’m not sure why you posted it on mumsnet. This site is chock full of women who will defend absolutely any awful behaviour from women and automatically assume the man must be guilty. Then if they reluctantly admit that the woman had done something awful then it is the guys fault for causing her to. Some people are so biased/ bitter that they incapable of seeing that both sexes can do bad things and make up their own scenarios to fit their “men are bad” narrative.

I hope your son can break all ties with her and isn’t too affected.

WendelineTestaburger · 02/01/2023 11:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WinnieFosterReads · 02/01/2023 11:37

polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:29

@WinnieFosterReads

She was aware that the allegations were false as on speaking to her taking her statement it was all over the place and she had zero evidence to back up her false claims. Obviously the accuser forgot about CCTV when saying he tried to strangle her in the street, I'm pretty sure if they'd seen that my son wouldn't have been released from his bail conditions. The items my son was supposed to have broken, weren't broken. There was no photographic evidence of all the alleged bruises (whereas my son did evidence of bruises she'd given him on his phone), I guess they see this all to often.

It doesn't matter what the police thought they were 'aware of'. That's why we have a legal system. There is a process. Imagine if the police said that about your DS when he was being abused. If they went to his abuser's family and said he was a 'little drama queen and was really childish'.
Seriously, you should report the detective. They have no understanding of abuse. Attitudes like their's are just as likely to harm your DS as help him.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 02/01/2023 11:37

Jesus, some of you need to give your heads a wobble.

No wonder many men never come forward over DV and rape, with attitudes like those displayed here.

Every time OP updates and proves a point incorrect, you switch it another way.

This poor lad, who has a couple of hobbies he enjoys privately, has had his entire life turned upside down. He was put on leave from his job down to it.

The only response here should be that the police are a disgrace for not using the clear evidence to charge her. Women like that will do it again and again for attention as they get away with it.

The thing also you should all be cross about, as I am, is the utter waste of money, time and resources taken to investigate a bunch of made up shite. They'll have had to get a warrant for the CCTV. They'll have had officers taking statements and looking through evidence. The tech team over the texts. Imagine the money wasted that could've gone on an actual attack.

And yet she skips off, slap on the wrist?

The woman who lied about my friend, to the pij the was given a non-molestation order, had form for it. She had done it, he found out later, to 3 other men. All of them innocent. Yet she kept doing it and was not charged for anything. Meanwhile, these men, including my friend, had the indignity of being arrest at their homes, in front of neighbours. One incident saw my friend picked up at work in front of his colleagues. He left shortly after as he said some of them had an attitude of no smoke without fire. It nearly destroyed his relationship with his daughter too, as although her mum knew it was rubbish, and despite them not being a couple they had split on very good terms, and had equal access and everything else, social service told her to stop unsupervised access. He had to pay to go to a contact centre.

Did she pay that back? For her lies? No. She did not.

This can have huge repercussions for people who are lied about, male or female.

If this was a mum asking about her daughter, your response should be so different.

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:38

@Marchmount

Oh, absolutely, he has no interest in talking to her ever again. He was literally sobbing to me after it happened saying he only ever wanted her to be happy.

I understand the crazy judgements of others on here as they don't know my son, but I do, and if for a second I thought he was capable or had done any of what he was being accused for, I
definitely wouldn't be so supportive. If he was committing a crime he needs to be punished for it, but he didn't and he wouldn't ever. He's just not into confrontation, he HATES it, he brain literally cannot cope with being nasty, arguing or fighting. Never once in his 20 something years has he ever been involved in a fight or confrontation.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 02/01/2023 11:41

But PAF he wasn't carrying anything around or making tik toks. Using the word fake makes you correct. Using the word carrying around makes you wrong. 🤷‍♀️

There is nothing illegal about owning BB guns and doing air soft. Just because you happen to do this and someone makes a false accusation doesn't make you guilty of something.

WinnieFosterReads · 02/01/2023 11:42

My advice would be exactly the same. You have a vulnerable DC whose interests might put them in circles that exploit them and you dealt with police who were victim blaming and had no understanding of DV - report them. It helps everyone when the police don't victim blame. They are also the parts of this that OP can do something about.

itsgettingweird · 02/01/2023 11:43

Polk. If your ds is anything like mine he wouldn't have even seen the issue of pretend drugs in a bag that was flour.

He knew it was flour and so assumed everyone else would.

People underestimate how lack of theory of mind can make autistic people vulnerable.

iminapickleofhoarding · 02/01/2023 11:50

As a mother of an autistic son who has already at age 18 had an unhinged girlfriend who would lie on a regular basis, this is deeply concerning.

I can’t understand how some people on here can be so vile and nasty. Who cares if he makes videos with a bag of flour? As a child I made a pretend cops and drug dealer video with my friend using bags of flour and toy guns - does that mean we grew up to be criminals - no! My brother had a BB gun. Does he shoot anyone or anything? No. Autistic people don’t stand a chance with bigots like you lot out there. What that lad went through there is no excuse for and it’s heartbreaking.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 02/01/2023 11:50

That’s awful😔. She sounds like a sociopath (yes I know I’m armchair diagnosing) and autistic people are usually very naive so they’re an easy target.
I would tell your son to use this as an opportunity to research sociopathy/narcissism and other personality disorders on YouTube. There’s a woman called Kanika Batra (or something like that) who’s a sort of reformed sociopath….she talks about the cruel things she used to do for fun.
I'm autistic with an autistic son and I really try to drum this information into him because he’s too nice for his own good.

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:52

@itsgettingweird

Exactly that! Thank goodness someone gets it. It was flour, flour is harmless therefore no issue.

OP posts:
Yabado · 02/01/2023 11:54

You can’t get a restraining order as such
they are only given at the end of crown court case and on conviction

you would need some sort of civil restraining order

if possible you can ask the police to assist you with getting this - they should be able to do this
or you can get the forms online and apply yourself although a solicitor would be able to do this for you but it won’t be cheap

ask for one that includes distance not just contact as contact can easily be got around and until further notice - this means no end date so it’s not for just 1 or 2 years

ask for one that ensures that the person is not to come within. 100 meters of your son or your house if possible and that it’s until further notice

My ex neighbour has one under the 1997 harassment act when he was convicted at crown court
it meant that he could not return to the street where he lived and he eventually lost his HA house

iminapickleofhoarding · 02/01/2023 11:56

I’d also like to add that a world of only autistic people like my son and from the sounds of it, OPs son, would be by a far nicer world than what we have.

HikingforScenery · 02/01/2023 11:56

OMG, this post has brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry.

He’s proven how vulnerable he is.
How is he going to be protected? I know he’s an adult but …

Original poster
polkadotpenny · 02/01/2023 11:56

@iminapickleofhoarding

The negativity surrounding the autism and his hobbies equating to him being a perpetrator of DV and SA is saddening to me. I guess everyone is allowed an opinion, but without knowing the person, it's quite difficult to make an actual judgement, but they are based on hobbies and his diagnosis.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 02/01/2023 11:58

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 02/01/2023 11:50

That’s awful😔. She sounds like a sociopath (yes I know I’m armchair diagnosing) and autistic people are usually very naive so they’re an easy target.
I would tell your son to use this as an opportunity to research sociopathy/narcissism and other personality disorders on YouTube. There’s a woman called Kanika Batra (or something like that) who’s a sort of reformed sociopath….she talks about the cruel things she used to do for fun.
I'm autistic with an autistic son and I really try to drum this information into him because he’s too nice for his own good.

Why are so many autistic boys ‘just too nice’?
Yes there definitely is something like that when you see it. It’s heartbreaking to watch :(

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 02/01/2023 11:58

@polkadotpenny I hear you! I’ve name changed, maybe I’ll write about my son soon - right now I am struggling to get through the days but like you, my son was in toxic relationship, lies, abuse, narcissistic etc etc - accused of all sorts yet we saw the bruises on him!
He’s ok now, safe and everyone knew it was lies but I’m so so angry!
Thank goodness your son is now in the clear and I hope he and you all begin to heal ♥️

WendelineTestaburger · 02/01/2023 11:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FloydPepper · 02/01/2023 11:59

ReformedWaywardTeen · 02/01/2023 11:37

Jesus, some of you need to give your heads a wobble.

No wonder many men never come forward over DV and rape, with attitudes like those displayed here.

Every time OP updates and proves a point incorrect, you switch it another way.

This poor lad, who has a couple of hobbies he enjoys privately, has had his entire life turned upside down. He was put on leave from his job down to it.

The only response here should be that the police are a disgrace for not using the clear evidence to charge her. Women like that will do it again and again for attention as they get away with it.

The thing also you should all be cross about, as I am, is the utter waste of money, time and resources taken to investigate a bunch of made up shite. They'll have had to get a warrant for the CCTV. They'll have had officers taking statements and looking through evidence. The tech team over the texts. Imagine the money wasted that could've gone on an actual attack.

And yet she skips off, slap on the wrist?

The woman who lied about my friend, to the pij the was given a non-molestation order, had form for it. She had done it, he found out later, to 3 other men. All of them innocent. Yet she kept doing it and was not charged for anything. Meanwhile, these men, including my friend, had the indignity of being arrest at their homes, in front of neighbours. One incident saw my friend picked up at work in front of his colleagues. He left shortly after as he said some of them had an attitude of no smoke without fire. It nearly destroyed his relationship with his daughter too, as although her mum knew it was rubbish, and despite them not being a couple they had split on very good terms, and had equal access and everything else, social service told her to stop unsupervised access. He had to pay to go to a contact centre.

Did she pay that back? For her lies? No. She did not.

This can have huge repercussions for people who are lied about, male or female.

If this was a mum asking about her daughter, your response should be so different.

You’re pissing in the wind talking about male dv victims on here. Some see it, some don’t really care too much, some outright deny it exists.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 02/01/2023 11:59

I’m so sorry people are being nasty. It’s probably best to only seek advice from other autistic people (in real life as well as on here).

Bikeybikeface · 02/01/2023 11:59

Some of the replies on this post really make my mind boggle. They want so much for your son to be a bad person, they are manipulating your words, changing the story to suit their agenda. It’s scary really, one day these people may end up on juries and will already have made up their minds despite all the evidence put before them.

TinselTinselTinsel · 02/01/2023 12:02

There is no way a detective described a potential DV victim as a 'right little madam". Even if they thought she was lying by this point - absolutely no way surely?? And she's "doing my head in" - do the police speak like that about alleged victims to the mother of the alleged perpetrator??

If this is true - it's shocking.

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