URGENT they're here in 10m how do I not act mad?

[simpletickets]

Really excited for DP and his siblings to meet my sister and her husband and also see my brother who they've met. My sister let the siblings stay in her house over Christmas for free. DP hasn't seen my sister in a long while. It was going to be a lot of my favourite people in one place. We had organized a breakfast for today. DP and siblings took a four day trip and were meant to be here by 10 max 11. My sister, her husband, and my brother were happy to be flexible and start anywhere between 10 and 11.

Well DP and siblings all left 2 hours late. DP is blaming his siblings for not being ready. They are due to arrive in 10m. My brother couldn't do past 12.15pm. My sister had an appointment at 12.30pm. I am fuming. Mostly because they haven't once apologized, just informed us.

They will arrive here in 10m. They know im very disappointed. But I don't want to ruin whats now a lunch for 4 by being so angry.

please knock some sense into me.

I know this is a cultural difference. I asked my DP to talk to them but he said they wouldn't understand.

Perhaps I'm missing something, but I dont understand why on the one hand you're trying to make them to apologise to your sister for their behaviour and forcing them to write notes for presents you've bought 'from them', and on the other hand you're saying it's just a cultural difference that they simply can't adjust to.

Is it that you don't think your sister can appreciate cultural differences so you're shielding her from the truth? Why would you make them apologise for a cultural misunderstanding if that's what you believe it was?

This just all feels a bit weird and inconsistent - it still sounds like you're struggling to reconcile how they are with how you'd like them to be around your family, based on what you said. I say this because if you recognise that their behaviour is attributable to understandable cultural differences, YWVU to humiliate them by demanding they apologise to your sister for having grown up in a different culture.

The respecting of cultural differences has to go both ways.

DH needs to explain that in your culture that they behaved extremely rudely.

If you're going to accept that in their culture none of this is important or relevant, they equally need to accept that in your culture it is important and relevant, and has given offense to you and your family. Either it goes both ways, with reciprocal respect, or its just requiring you to unconditionally indulge like a good little doormat.

The respecting of cultural differences has to go both ways.

DH needs to explain that in your culture that they behaved extremely rudely.

If you're going to accept that in their culture none of this is important or relevant, they equally need to accept that in your culture it is important and relevant, and has given offense to you and your family. Either it goes both ways, with reciprocal respect, or its just requiring you to unconditionally indulge like a good little doormat.

The respecting of cultural differences has to go both ways.

DH needs to explain that in your culture that they behaved extremely rudely.

If you're going to accept that in their culture none of this is important or relevant, then they equally need to accept that in your culture it is important and relevant, and has given offense to you and your family. Either it goes both ways, with reciprocal respect, or its just requiring you to unconditionally indulge like a good little doormat.

Your DH needed to have made them leave earlier.

He needed to have kept you more up to date with timings when he knew he was late.

I hope HE thanked your sister fulsomely for welcoming his siblings into her home.

THis is not a cultural thing- using someone's house free of charge, not caring about making to an appointment and not wanting to apologise when pointed out when wrong! Even if in some cultures time is hmmm flexible, when someone tells you you did a rude thing and they are offended, you apologise. Not give someone a blank stare and a shrug of the shoulders.
Presumably when they arrived your DP didnt turn up 3 hours late to pick them up from the airport?

Ok - granted there are cultural differences where time keeping isn’t a priority.

But as @nilsmousehammer said above there should at least be a realisation that they’ve upset someone and it would be nice if her cultural differences were taken into consideration if they expect theirs to be. That is good manners in my book.

OP said one of them lived in the UK for two years and so you would hope they would have recognised some of the differences?

If they were promised a million pounds if they could manage to be at a destination on time, I doubt anyone’s cultural differences would prevent that.

Offered the chance of a dream job with a timed interview. Same.

It is understandable if they don’t see meeting the OP’s sister (and brother) as important. But they said they wanted to meet. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And given that her DP was aware of the importance to OP and the time constraints, he should have chivvied them along if they were dallying.

Put it bluntly - Your problem is your DP!
No respect!

It’s absolutely rude that they’ve stayed in your sisters home and not bothered their arses to make more of an effort to meet the woman.

Cultural differences?! Where are they from exactly?!

Is anyone else fed up of rudeness being passed off as a cultural difference?
If you agree to be somewhere at a time, and you're 2hrs late, that's rudeness irrelevant of culture.

Why do his family think they're so much more superior to yours in that everyone has to wait for them??

Next time meet them at the venue and start without them if they can't be bothered to turn up at the agreed time

I’m getting strong CF vibes.

YANBU, they are rude and your DH needs to speak to them. Even if they dont understand they can appreciate its important to you (and your siblings) and put in the effort.

I wanted the siblings to be thankful to my sister. But they clearly aren't. No thank you gift came from them and they didn't even show up today to say thank you in person.
He was very sorry. The siblings were not. I told them that they had to apologize to my siblings. . Why make them give a fake apology? If they don't actually care its not sincere and who wants a half arsed apology?
I bought a present for my sister 'from them' which I asked them to write a note for and dropped it round. Don't do this, its odd. By all means send one from you but that's just micro managing and controlling to pretend a gift is from someone else. Also if you have already done this by now and they stayed at her house over Christmas you have jumped the gun. You did not allow the siblings time to send a gift or card of their own and instead did it for them. That's rude.
I wanted her to feel good and appreciated. By faking a gift from them? What would happen when she thanked them for the gift? Or if she now expected one in future and nothing came?

Her siblings had already compromised. Why should they change their plans because DP hasn't got the balls to shift his kids into gear.

Here’s what your posts have told me:

• the siblings are from possibly an inherently selfish culture?
• the siblings are from possibly an inherently misogynistic culture?
• the siblings all have a diagnosis that keeps them from understanding and/or caring

Because other than these three reasons, there’s no other reason on earth why they are “incabable” of understanding that they: need to be to an event on time if people have things like your sister’s immovable hospital appointment, that dictate when the event must end. No matter what happens “at home,” we all try not to offend a hosting culture when we travel. Because we’re not arseholes. I think you’d find that if one of DP’s siblings has to make it to a meeting with his or her boss, they’re on time. So it’s simply a way of saying that this event is not as important - if they miss it occurring, oh well. Back to the job analogy: I imagine if they miss an important business meeting with a new client while visiting another country, this excuse about lack of timekeeping won’t work! Again, I imagine their boss would be angry.

Also, anyone anywhere in the world should be capable of understanding that an ill person readying their house for visitors and allowing visitors to stay for some time, is a very kind deed. Unless they are from a culture that believes female family members, any female members, should make such sacrifices, whether sick or well, OR all the siblings have a diagnosis that precludes them from understanding this, then there simply is no excuse. I’ve never heard of a culture that doesn’t believe in respecting hosts, but I’ve heard of a few cultures that take family for granted, and female family especially, when it comes to hosting duties.

And when you told them they needed to apologize to your sister and they just stared at you… how do they handle confrontation in their culture? Because I’m pretty sure this isn’t lack of understanding. It’s a passive way of disagreeing and you need to learn how to “read” it.

Good luck, OP. I don’t know if your DP has fed you all this cultural differences shite and that’s why you’re saying it? But the fact is that I’ve never heard of anyone from any culture doing this - I can’t name one. Unless they meet one of the requirements I listed at the beginning. Otherwise, they respect a hosting culture, and work within what’s considered respectful.

Well I appreciate that these comments are now too late as the event has passed - but I would make DP (and kids depending on age) know just how disappointed you are and how disrespectful they have been. But once you have said it, move on. Don't then sulk for hours or worse still, days.

If you have dc have you considered if they will be raised with manners or from the rude culture?

It's not a rude culture, it's just different than British culture - it's rude to you. I live in Spain and it's normal for people to arrive late. It's just a cultural thing. I think the Portuguese are similar. When people aren't used to being punctual it's better to have looser plans or a larger window of time. Believe me there are many ways British people behave rudely and don't respect other cultures or ways, so people in glass houses and all that. Apologising constantly is also a very British thing that isn't as typical in other cultures. They have manners and values, they're just different to yours and your ways. They probably saw it as a casual breakfast and not with the importance the OP put on it. Also family are much more likely to do things for extended family in many other cultures without feeling like it's a big ask, so being put up in an extended family members house wouldn't seem like something they needed to be super grateful for or a big deal, which is how the OP wants them to feel/behave.

Careful, your xenophobia is showing

Yes, but if someone points out you did a rude thing and they are upset, you should apologise. We're not saying groveling and begging for forgiveness on your knees. Just, sorry for not arriving on time. Especially after using fee accomodation of one of the siblings. It is not a cultural thing to be an a-hole. People who use culture (especially as I think someone said one of the siblings used to live in the UK) as ax excuse to be idiots are just that.

Yes, but if someone points out you did a rude thing and they are upset, you should apologise. We're not saying groveling and begging for forgiveness on your knees. Just, sorry for not arriving on time. Especially after using fee accomodation of one of the siblings. It is not a cultural thing to be an a-hole. People who use culture (especially as I think someone said one of the siblings used to live in the UK) as ax excuse to be idiots are just that OP was telling them to apologise to her siblings, I think that's weird to tell another adult that they must apologise. Her DP needs to manage things better here with his siblings and make sure they're on time. I'm just giving my perspective from someone who lives in a different culture where the social niceties that are the norms in the U.K. are not the norms here. What seems like being an arsehole/rude to you may seem like someone is completely overreacting to them. As I said, to many cultures, staying at an extended family members house wouldn't be viewed as using free accommodation, it would be something that was the norm in their culture so not something that would be viewed as a big deal. I think they're rude btw, but just saying it's probably not intentional and they probably don't consider themselves so. Cultural differences can be a lot bigger than people think. Maybe they are rude arseholes even in their own culture, but I assume not as the OP seems to know them well and like them apart from this situation.

Don't be so ridiculous. It is possible to consider an aspect of a culture or person rude or to dislike it without it being a phobia or an "ism".

Arriving late is rude.
Not apologising when it is pointed out you have been rude, is rude.
Suggesting it is anything else (especially xenophobia!!) is antagonistic, misinformed and ridiculous

Surely whatever your culture assuming your time is more valuable than another person's is rude?

Keeping other people hanging around waiting for you for two hours would be bad manners in any culture, surely?

That's a British perception of reasons for lateness. If you're from a culture where lateness is acceptable, even a cultural norm, then no one's thinking their time is more valuable or anything that sinister. They're just used to being late and it not being an issue.

Depends on the culture I guess. In Spain 30 mins to an hour seems to be the norm. I have a friend who married into a Portuguese family and one of the aunts was two hours late. I've got a friend from the Caribbean who tells me it's normal for things to start a few hours later than they should in her country and if you have a party it will be mostly empty for the first couple of hours. British punctuality is world famous 😁