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Original poster

URGENT they're here in 10m how do I not act mad?

160 replies

simpletickets · 30/12/2022 11:57

Really excited for DP and his siblings to meet my sister and her husband and also see my brother who they've met. My sister let the siblings stay in her house over Christmas for free. DP hasn't seen my sister in a long while. It was going to be a lot of my favourite people in one place. We had organized a breakfast for today. DP and siblings took a four day trip and were meant to be here by 10 max 11. My sister, her husband, and my brother were happy to be flexible and start anywhere between 10 and 11.

Well DP and siblings all left 2 hours late. DP is blaming his siblings for not being ready. They are due to arrive in 10m. My brother couldn't do past 12.15pm. My sister had an appointment at 12.30pm. I am fuming. Mostly because they haven't once apologized, just informed us.

They will arrive here in 10m. They know im very disappointed. But I don't want to ruin whats now a lunch for 4 by being so angry.

please knock some sense into me.

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 30/12/2022 15:52

Mine and my husbands family have never met. Not even at the wedding. We see them. Separately for logistical reasons and never do things like Christmas together. Nobody has died yet.

PineCone74 · 30/12/2022 16:07

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 30/12/2022 15:35

All just sounds hard work, I've never met my sil's siblings, not once (truth be known i dont know how many she has!), my brother has been married 10 years. I think my brother had met my husband's siblings once, twice including the wedding, my sister I think is on about 4 (we've been together 18 years). We all live close but I don't expect my siblings to have anything to do with my inlaws, it'd matter even less if they lived on the other side of the world. Maybe you hyped this up in your head like everyone will be best friends forever, reality is theyll probably cross paths a handful of times. So what if they were late, I'm sure it wasn't intentional, they are probably squeezing lots into a short visit.

Ah, so once again, it is really all the OP’s fault for having unreasonable expectations in the first place, and then having an unreasonable response.

WavingCatpaw · 30/12/2022 16:22

Crinkle77 · 30/12/2022 13:28

Yeah this. Why would they bothered about meeting each other in the first place. I was with my ex for 10 years and my sisters never met my partners brother ever. It sounds a bit forced and awkward. I wouldn't want to have breakfast with strangers. If they didn't want to meet for the breakfast they should have declined the invitation.

Show quote history

It sounds like the sister leant her house to them for a stay though - so that would be something I’d probably make an effort to meet and say thank you for?

WavingCatpaw · 30/12/2022 16:24

I think the bit that’s been missed is OP’s sister loaned her house for free over Christmas to the visitors? I think that’s something that means they could have made the effort to be on time or at least very apologetic. Otherwise it comes across as pretty entitled or at least rudely oblivious. OP - were they apologetic / thankful?

TheKitchenWitch · 30/12/2022 19:57

I'm confused - your DP's siblings are staying at your sister's house but they've never met? And you won't see your DP's siblings again for years except that your siblings will be seeing them at the wedding which, presumably, you'll also be at?

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 30/12/2022 20:59

TheKitchenWitch · 30/12/2022 19:57

I'm confused - your DP's siblings are staying at your sister's house but they've never met? And you won't see your DP's siblings again for years except that your siblings will be seeing them at the wedding which, presumably, you'll also be at?

I took it that the OP’s sister made her house available for them while she was away. And didn’t charge for heating, energy, left them clean sheets and towels etc.

Original poster
simpletickets · 30/12/2022 23:54

I'm back.

To answer some questions.

My sister is generally unwell so has a lot of hospital appointments one of which was today so couldn't reschedule.

My sister was away during Christmas so this was the only window in which they would meet. I wanted the siblings to be thankful to my sister because it is quite a big deal for her to let someone she's never met stay in her home when she's not there and she made sure it was clean with sheets etc.

There is a cultural difference.

My DP came back and he did apologize. I did have to explain first why I was so upset. He was very sorry. The siblings were not. I told them that they had to apologize to my siblings. They asked why...

I told them 'because you left late it ruined all our breakfast plans.'

They just stared blankly.

My DP says it's a cultural difference and that he struggles with it all the time with them, just no sense of urgency.

No one has received any form of apology from the siblings.

I let it go and the four of us went for cake.

OP posts:
WavingCatpaw · 30/12/2022 23:56

simpletickets · 30/12/2022 23:54

I'm back.

To answer some questions.

My sister is generally unwell so has a lot of hospital appointments one of which was today so couldn't reschedule.

My sister was away during Christmas so this was the only window in which they would meet. I wanted the siblings to be thankful to my sister because it is quite a big deal for her to let someone she's never met stay in her home when she's not there and she made sure it was clean with sheets etc.

There is a cultural difference.

My DP came back and he did apologize. I did have to explain first why I was so upset. He was very sorry. The siblings were not. I told them that they had to apologize to my siblings. They asked why...

I told them 'because you left late it ruined all our breakfast plans.'

They just stared blankly.

My DP says it's a cultural difference and that he struggles with it all the time with them, just no sense of urgency.

No one has received any form of apology from the siblings.

I let it go and the four of us went for cake.

It’s great you faced it head on with them. Did they thank your sister in some way (if not in person) for the accommodation? Hopefully they left it as they found it.

Original poster
simpletickets · 30/12/2022 23:59

My siblings expected it to be 10am. But becuase they were driving over an hour there was a chance there could be traffic so left it flexible but wouldn't be later than 11.

We all live so close to each other and were ready to go, it would be 10m walk max to the breakfast place. I was waiting for the text that DP and his siblings were 10m away so I could let my siblings know. They text never came. My siblings were patient but we were all waiting. DP told me they may be a bit late.

11.30 rolled around and then 12. My siblings had to pull out.

OP posts:
Original poster
simpletickets · 31/12/2022 00:00

@WavingCatpaw I bought a present for my sister 'from them' which I asked them to write a note for and dropped it round.

OP posts:
WavingCatpaw · 31/12/2022 00:03

simpletickets · 31/12/2022 00:00

@WavingCatpaw I bought a present for my sister 'from them' which I asked them to write a note for and dropped it round.

Eugh, that’s rubbish, sorry you had to be the one in the middle.

LonginesPrime · 31/12/2022 00:08

simpletickets · 31/12/2022 00:00

@WavingCatpaw I bought a present for my sister 'from them' which I asked them to write a note for and dropped it round.

Why?

Original poster
simpletickets · 31/12/2022 00:09

because my sister also did me a favour letting them stay and I wanted her to feel good and appreciated

OP posts:
WGACA · 31/12/2022 00:09

I hope next time they want to stay at your sister’s place for free she says no.

LonginesPrime · 31/12/2022 00:24

simpletickets · 31/12/2022 00:09

because my sister also did me a favour letting them stay and I wanted her to feel good and appreciated

So why didn't you give her the present from you if you're grateful to her?

Why force this charade of making them look like they're more thoughtful and appreciative than they are, as if they're little children and you're their mum? I assume they're adults??

Even if you feel responsible for bringing them into your sister's life, you don't need to take responsibility for their behaviour.

It sounds to me like you're trying to force this fantasy of everyone getting along better than they actually do, and it's driving you to tear your hair out as the reality of DH's siblings doesn't match your fantasy version.

Original poster
simpletickets · 31/12/2022 00:40

I get on very very well with his siblings. I have known them for 5 years. One lived in the UK near us for 2 years and we are all very good friends. The cultural differences sometimes frustrate me.

The siblings spent a few days with my brother and got on well with him and were becoming friends. It was important to me that they meet my sister too. They have all heard so much about each other and I wanted them to have an opportunity to thank her. My sister was really looking forward to meeting them and my brother moved around his schedule to accommodate because he really likes them.

All I wanted was a 2 hour breakfast. Everyone agreed to the plan, and seemed keen. No-one had to agree. The plan was for them to be there at 10am. But because of traffic we were waiting on the message that they would be there on time before we left. So it was meant to be a 2h 15m breakfast not 1h.

I was upset that they left late which led us to cancel all the plans and didn't say sorry or seem remotely phased.

I know this is a cultural difference. I asked my DP to talk to them but he said they wouldn't understand.

OP posts:
Snowflake2 · 31/12/2022 01:16

Unless they have learning disabilities of course they can understand. They just don't care. It's rude. One of them (and your DP) didn't live in Britain for 2yrs and not realise this. Selfish people are just like everyone else and can come across as likeable at first, but the attitude of being ok letting others down gets old very quickly. Sadly it's very common in modern society. I feel sorry for your brother and sister (and you) who presumably all didn't get to eat breakfast at all because you waited and waited and then it was too late.

WavingCatpaw · 31/12/2022 02:00

It’s sounds like everyone has to understand their cultural differences but they don’t understand other’s. So it sounds like they just don’t worry about other people’s opinions perhaps? I’m curious which culture doesn’t appreciate being loaned someone else’s house though.

ArcaneWireless · 31/12/2022 02:06

I’m afraid I don’t buy cultural differences as an excuse for not having manners. I don’t think there is an excuse for not apologising when you are late.

If they weren’t fussed about meeting they should have said no.

But they were fine enough to accept her hospitality though and this makes their actions sound even more inconsiderate.

LittleDisaster · 31/12/2022 07:31

ArcaneWireless · 31/12/2022 02:06

I’m afraid I don’t buy cultural differences as an excuse for not having manners. I don’t think there is an excuse for not apologising when you are late.

If they weren’t fussed about meeting they should have said no.

But they were fine enough to accept her hospitality though and this makes their actions sound even more inconsiderate.

But manners re entirely cultural. Some "good" manners in one culture would be very rude in another.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 31/12/2022 07:57

Surely there is no culture where it's fine to make plans at a certain time and knowingly obliterate the plans by being so late that the event can't take place.

LittleDisaster · 31/12/2022 08:12

ItsNotReallyChaos · 31/12/2022 07:57

Surely there is no culture where it's fine to make plans at a certain time and knowingly obliterate the plans by being so late that the event can't take place.

There are lots of cultures where plans are loose. The whole mañana thing, plus many others. Scheduling like this wouldn't work in lots of countries.

Fieldfly · 31/12/2022 08:20

Mexico! Lateness is basically assumed!

AnyMucca · 31/12/2022 08:27

Your DP should have set off 2 hours earlier if he knows what they're like and how important the meet was to you. Sounds like the blank expressions mean they weren't in the loop. You've got a DH problem before you're even married.

Weepachu · 31/12/2022 11:34

I could not be marrying into a culture like this - imagine all the events which will be ruined/cancelled because of their dislike or inability to make or stick to fixes plans. Weddings, christenings, children’s birthday parties, etc. I would have constant anxiety.
I’d give this a serious think OP about the future family life you want and if you might find someone more suitable.