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Original poster

DH told us all to fuck ourselves over dinner

434 replies

mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 15:45

Thought we could make it through the holidays but that crashed and burned today in spectacular style. DH wanted to have the dog in the dining room and I said I'd her her away as she'd been retching and being sick (MIL unintentionally let her eat a whole load of sheep poo) plus she's a puppy which harasses the kids if there's food.

Because I said no and just complained about it he started shouting and telling me to get out of the kitchen but again I said no because I was trying to dish up potato's and veg, bent to pick up some stuffing from the floor so MIL didn't step on it and he went absolutely crazy told me MIL my DF DSis and all DC to fuck ourselves, fuck off, flipped the double finger at us all and took the dog to the pub. Had dinner without him and now he's returned and pretending it never happened in the living room loving on the dog when all he's done is snapped at the children and me today and then blown up.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

OP posts:
asblindasabat · 25/12/2022 22:05

If you are in doubt about your safety OP is there not a family member or friend you and your DC could stay with?

Original poster
mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:07

People really think if I go to him he'll hear me out, say sorry and then apologise to the kids? That is absolutely not what would happen

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 25/12/2022 22:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Flowerpower2022 · 25/12/2022 22:12

Sending love and support OP. What horrible behaviour on Christmas Day and you seem to be left holding it for your Mil, dad and your DC. This is on your husband not on you. I agree with you don’t try and address this evening. As soon as things are calm I think you need to sit down and try and find out what is triggering your DP. And to outline in no uncertain terms how unacceptable this is and the impact on you all. I also agree with talking to women’s aid to get support and try and figure out a longer term plan. If people ask what Christmas was like and you don’t feel like telling them just say something like “a bit up and down”. I would try and share what’s happening with trusted friends though. Best of luck

mumofone2019 · 25/12/2022 22:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

pointythings · 25/12/2022 22:16

It's not fair to your DC to go on like this. If you can't leave now, start working towards a point where you can: get a job, put some money away, start looking at rentals, make sure you are fully up to speed with all the finances.

LolaMoon · 25/12/2022 22:19

mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:07

People really think if I go to him he'll hear me out, say sorry and then apologise to the kids? That is absolutely not what would happen

Clearly he won’t. But the problem is, this behaviour never gets addressed if it happened last year too and everyone just tiptoes around him and carries on without addressing the huge elephant in the room. This means he is enabled to just carry on his volatile tantrums and it’s enabled by everyone else having to walk on eggshells. That’s sending a very clear message to him that what he did is ok and everyone else will simply adjust to it. What next? He starts punching people and no one says anything and just carries on as if nothing happened so you can still enjoy the day? Of course it’s not easy to just up and leave but you cannot just go on ignoring this abusive behaviour. It will escalate because it always does.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 25/12/2022 22:20

Sorry you've had such an awful day OP. I can't imagine he's only like this at this at Christmas though and then sweetness and light the rest of the year. You can't live your life being afraid of your partner, that's no way to live is it? I hope you can find a way out.

beastlyslumber · 25/12/2022 22:20

Make a plan so you can get out and protect your kids from his abuse.

Next Christmas could be wonderful.

gamerchick · 25/12/2022 22:21

As has been said. Make a pact with everyone to gift them back to him on his birthday.

Stop with the bullshit. He's not a nice person and even if it's some sort of dementia, it's always been there just waiting to come out.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 25/12/2022 22:21

Talk to your family.
Look up what benefits you could get.
Talk to Women's Aid.
Talk to a solicitor.

These are good steps you can take. I left with 4 children and no job. It can be done. I did it for my kids.

Original poster
mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:22

I'm putting DC to bed (with lots of cuddles) and he's sitting on a group call with his extended family. He's not said a single word to the children since swearing at everyone

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 25/12/2022 22:24

mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:22

I'm putting DC to bed (with lots of cuddles) and he's sitting on a group call with his extended family. He's not said a single word to the children since swearing at everyone

How does this make you feel?

Any hint of anger in there? Or has it all been suppressed so far you can't access it any more?

Original poster
mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:25

Of course I'm angry but I'm mostly upset and keep crying

OP posts:
Original poster
mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:26

I know I can't risk getting too angry and having a confrontation with him I don't want to go anywhere near him hear him see him nothing

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 25/12/2022 22:26

mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:07

People really think if I go to him he'll hear me out, say sorry and then apologise to the kids? That is absolutely not what would happen

@mourndayclub no, I wouldn’t be speaking to him. But I also wouldn’t be trying to pretend everything is ok so my kids also have to pretend.

I think you’re getting the response that you’re getting because you seem to be focussing on yourself (when you choose to be in this relationship) and not your children (who genuinely have no choice). You are massively minimising and refusing to acknowledge it. You’re worried about what you will say when you are asked how your Christmas was but what will your children say? Have they had the opportunity to vent too (guessing they don’t have a Mumsnet account) or have they had to just play happy families with you all day with a live wire at risk of going off in the next room?

I can only imagine what it must feel like to be surrounded by a group of adults who love you but aren’t able to protect you from their tyrant father.

And yes, there is always a way to leave.

pictoosh · 25/12/2022 22:27

This is so shit. And you know a confrontation wouldn't go at all well.
I imagine you're hating his guts right about now. The self-absorbed callous bastard.

Original poster
mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 22:29

Of course I'm upset for my children that's why I've been crying all day if it was just between me and him and no one else had heard I would t care half as much

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 25/12/2022 22:29

dont worry he probably wont do it again until next christmas

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/12/2022 22:31

There's always a way to leave
Your DC will always remember the anxiety waiting for their father to kick off( I have)
Start the New year by making a plan to leave
If you do, your DC will have the Christmas they deserve next year
You can't just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen

Aquasulis · 25/12/2022 22:36

There is always a way to leave always. Can you go to your parents? Get him out? Do you own the house? If so start there you own 50% and I promise you that living in a cardboard box is better than this shit and your children having an abusive childhood. File for divorce immediately I promise you - 12 months time you can have a happy Christmas without him

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 25/12/2022 22:40

That's good you feel angry. Channel it to plan a better future for those lovely DC of yours.

Florenz · 25/12/2022 22:40

Christmas is such a stressful time. People put so much pressure on themselves to have everything perfect when in reality they'd be happier just to have a nice Sunday dinner and exchange a few presents and that's it.

LolaMoon · 25/12/2022 22:44

Florenz · 25/12/2022 22:40

Christmas is such a stressful time. People put so much pressure on themselves to have everything perfect when in reality they'd be happier just to have a nice Sunday dinner and exchange a few presents and that's it.

Most people manage to make it through Christmas Day without verbally abusing their in laws, kids, mother and wife. Even in my most stressful times (eg when my mum was dying) I never shouted at my family to go fck themselves, gave them all the finger, stormed off, terrified my kids and then ignored them for the rest of the day.
Are you really saying the “pressure of Christmas” caused this? Because that is NOT an excuse to tell your own children to go fck themselves…..

Soothsayer1 · 25/12/2022 22:51

I would pretend to collude with his 'pretend it didnt happen' whilst privately making my escape plan
I would write down everything that happened and I'd be monitoring him and keeping detailed notes from now on, build a case against him, sew it up tightly so he has no room for any maneuver
he deserves to come home one day and find you all gone

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