Husband hasn't come home

[blackandwhitecat123]

I need advice please- my husband went out for his work night out last night and just hasn't come back. He told me the arrangement was that work would pay for a taxi home, then I would drive him back to collect his car today.

I last heard from him at around 6pm yesterday evening and not a dicky bird since. Sent him a message asking if he was having a good time at around 11pm, he hasn't read it. I thought that was odd as he would usually message me once or twice during the evening or at least let me know if he was planning on being late, and I would do the same. But I wasn't too worried and just went to sleep- assumed he was having a dance and a drink and a nice time. Got a sick toddler and I have the lurgy too so I was knackered.

I've just woken up and he isn't home, his phone rings when I call. WhatsApp messages are on one tick.

I'm absolutely frantic, this is really, REALLY unusual behaviour. He's a real home bird, not a big drinker normally (although has his moments) and likes his colleagues very much but isn't particularly close friends with them. He's just not someone who would stay out all night unexpectedly without saying ANYTHING, and I know he has battery because his phone rings. What do I do???

Poor chap, it sounds like he had a really distressing time. I want to give him a hug myself! So glad all is well, OP. I would have been so worried as well.

If his phone was off you get one tick on WhatsApp messages like you said. Also a WhatsApp call still rings if their offline/phone off. Glad he is safe.

Glad he’s home safe. If my eldest were a few years older and married I could easily have thought you were posting about him. It’s exactly the kind of scrape he would get himself into and the combination of poor executive function, generalised anxiety and crippling social anxiety would have the same end result.

Ds has ASD with a spiky profile, which means he can hold down and job and manage day-to-day routine life to the extend most people wouldn’t realise he is ND, but anything that changes his routine or messes with his plans puts him in a flat spin so he is unable to make sensible, reasoned decisions. Instead self-preservation kicks in and he tends to isolate himself for safety, then when he’s had time to calm down and come up with a plan, he will stick rigidly to that and see it through. He absolutely would prefer to sit outside in the freezing cold on his own than approach anyone for help. He also only uses his phone pay option and never has his card on him. I regularly beg him to have his phone plus a back up option, but he won’t listen.

He recently had his first ‘works Christmas do’ and I was on pins all night waiting for him to come home. Not helped by the fact he wasn’t responding to text messages way after he should have come home. Thankfully all was ok, he just hadn’t realised the time and eventually turned up a couple of hours late.

I feel bad for you, OP. While he was killing time, anything could have happened to him. He only pays for things with his phone? I don't know anyone who does that (outside London) - does he not have a wallet with some cash in it? That leaves anyone really vulnerable if they lose their phone or leave it somewhere or it goes dead. Why would you rely on your phone for everything? He obviously did not dare to even try to get anyone to help him! - he just gave in. Then he cried when he rang you this morning. It's a good job he doesn't go out without you very often. He sounds very vulnerable indeed.

He only pays for things with his phone? I don't know anyone who does that (outside London)

I do. All of my young adult children (not in London). They have no cards, and no cash. I think they are insane.

I agree, and being so vulnerable, relying totally on his phone then letting run out of charge. So worrying.

Private Hire cabs cannot pick up people up off the street - their white plate licence forbids that - they have to be booked, so the driver could ring through to base and book one for you but they can't pick you up and go. Rank taxis can pick anyone off the street and take them anywhere.

I just don’t think any of this is true.

Oh well, good job he’s not your husband then!

WhatsApp will definitely call even if the phones not even connect to the internet. If my husband has no reception I normal send a test WhatsApp to see if it gets 2 ticks before I call him.

I read this and at first was like 🤔 and then I remembered a time when I was on holiday and my ND, socially anxious self got locked out of the hotel at 11pm after a late night supermarket trip. Instead of calling my friends or the hotel I drove home 3 hours, slept for 2 hours and then drove back again in time for the hotel reopening before my friends woke up. To this day the only person that knows is my husband who got a fright at 2am when I appeared in bed next to him 😅

It made sense at the time 🤷‍♀️

Op, your DHs story does sound bizarre. Firstly, he drove there and parked his car in a car park , so he presumably wasn’t going to drink anyway? If he did plan on drinking, why did he take his car in the first place?

How did he manage to stay out so late being sober, and not drinking?

He rang you in floods of tears, sober? Seriously? He’s a middle aged man presumably?..Why didn’t he ask someone in a shop to use their phone , most people would let someone genuine use their phone to make a quick phone call. There are lots of 24 hour shops open or petrol stations.

Even a taxi would have taken him home, he could have got money at hoke or his bank card.

This story makes no sense. Why would a grown man, who was sober, wait all night without contacting his wife, to wait for a car park to open , when there’s plenty of other options he could have chosen.?

OP, your DHs story is really weird.

So many sad, bitter, men hating women posting here.

Most of them must lead strange lives themselves if they think there are working phone boxes everywhere along with taxis that you can flag down. Even in my closest city (which is a fair size) there are absolutely no taxis driving around that you can flag down.

There are plenty of car parks that are locked overnight. Completely locked with shutters etc and no way at all of getting in.

Just because all the saddos know men that cheat doesn't mean that all men do.

I don’t necessarily think the OPs DH did anything wrong, I just find it strange that he would rather wait all night for a car park to re open rather than do something practical.
He was sober what hadn’t been drinking. I’m
How did he call the OP in the morning with a dead phone? I missed that part? Did he find a charger?

He charged his phone in the car on the way home. Waiting for the car park to open was him doing something.

@CheshireCat1
Op, your DHs story does sound bizarre. Firstly, he drove there and parked his car in a car park , so he presumably wasn’t going to drink anyway? If he did plan on drinking, why did he take his car in the first place?

How did he manage to stay out so late being sober, and not drinking?

He rang you in floods of tears, sober? Seriously? He’s a middle aged man presumably?..Why didn’t he ask someone in a shop to use their phone , most people would let someone genuine use their phone to make a quick phone call. There are lots of 24 hour shops open or petrol stations.

Even a taxi would have taken him home, he could have got money at hoke or his bank card.

This story makes no sense. Why would a grown man, who was sober, wait all night without contacting his wife, to wait for a car park to open , when there’s plenty of other options he could have chosen.?

OP, your DHs story is really weird.

Op’s DH was originally planning to get a taxi home and go back to pick up his car today.

Not everyone has to drink a lot to enjoy a late night (and I speak as a drinker here).

It was a town not a city, and certainly many rural towns do not have shops, or restaurants that are open late at night. Our local petrol stations all shut at 10 pm at the latest.

Ditto re taxis. Where I live it’s impossible to get a taxi late in the evening unless it is pre-booked well ahead. In my nearest city there are no flaggable taxis.

OP I'm sorry you're getting a bit of a hard time from some

My friend is NT )although more severe than your DH sounds) and like this. One year it snowed heavily while he was at work and buses stopped running. His phone died and these were the days of limited smartphone and battery life

His wife started panicking when he didn't get gone at the usual time and couldn't get through to him.

Rather than walk the most direct route home, he followed his usual journey on the bus which went through several housing estates. What should have taken 45 mins in the snow became 3 hours.

Needless to say they then put back up plans in place for such things!

How did he manage to stay out so late being sober, and not drinking?

I don't drink and still 'manage' to stay out late enjoying myself with friends.

I think its beyond odd you didnt normal call. What's app can bizarrely ring when your phone is off. He needs a back up plan for next time.

OP I'm sorry you're getting a bit of a hard time from some

I agree @CraneBoysMysteries - from posters who CBA to read the OP's updates, and who must live in London where everything is open 24 hours, there are no lockable car parks and taxis on every street corner.
It is so frustrating.

That’s not a solution to getting yourself home when finding yourself without a car. It’s a complete Inability to find a solution. Then phoning her crying and not wanting to go out again on his own.

I think it’s very sad his confidence in being able to go out alone has been damaged like this as he didn’t manage it this time.

I understand he isn’t a child but I think it’s important to recognise his needs and try to help him understand what to do if he’s out and gets stranded. I’m not sure never going out alone again is the answer. But shows how traumatic this was for him.

Otherwise, yes, in future, he can only go out with Responsible adults for his own safety.

I believe him- he's come home now and it's pretty clear he's telling the truth. I'm more concerned about his awful decision-making skills, it was mainly an endearing quirk up until now but it's gone too far.

Fair enough, but given he has additional needs I wouldn’t be letting him out unsupervised anytime soon

I’m sure he’s absolutely charming but this level of ineptitude and ‘panicking’ about something so stupid and avoidable would have me running in the direction of the nearest hills. Crikey.

You sound like a lovely, symbiotic couple OP. What he can do you can't and vice versa.

This thread really made me laugh because it is exactly the type of thing my DP does somewhat regularly! I too have wondered about ND.