I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

[Rantaboutmytwatofanex]

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

Absolutely this!

Santa is so used to them being with their Mammy every Christmas that he brought their presents to your house. (Well - he's old and he can't keep up with all of the children in the world these days - so many new babies . . . )

Don't cover for him - just give them a lovely time and a lovely dinner when they get back to you.

I'm not sure what sort of gifts an adult man will buy for small children because he wants them himself, but tell them to ask to bring them back to yours so he can't do anything with them.

He thinks nothing of making the girls sad to get at me

I was in your girls' position. Please keep them home. He's abusive and has not earned any rights to unsupervised access.

I grew up thinking I had to make my shit Dad happy. I would have loved a thoughtful Christmas where I felt loved and protected.

For the sake of the children it's a no brainer. Provide him with the stockings. It's galling but obviously necessary.

Boxing day is too late. Santa doesn't get confused.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 that is an amazing idea.

My girls usually pick some things out for him, but I could definitely add a couple more bits for them with his name on it.

Let him have his crap Christmas and celebrate it properly when they come home xx

Option 1.
I'd warn them Father Christmas sometimes gets confused and may leave a stocking at their dads, yours or both. Then I'd phone them first thing xmas morning to wish them merry Christmas and let them know Santa delivered a stocking to yours and they can open it when they get home. You can have a festive evening with presents. Enjoy!

YY to doing proper Christmas before or after his sad effort and if after making sure the children know.

Big No to propping his useless effort up by sending stuff.

Will your eldest be able to pop in before or after work on the 23rd or 26tv?

Just seen this (I should have read all your posts).

Not court ordered? Tell him to do one and keep them with you.

(What did he do with two microwaves last year, for heaven's sake? Is he cracked?)

I love this idea 😂

I think you need to take a big step back here Op and re-read this thread from start to finish. Your ex is abusing you and your children. If they were teenagers I'd maybe say send them and let them see the real dad. But they are little girls and don't need to be put in a situation where they have a miserable time. He sleeps and games when they are there. Don't send them.

I'd do what I do with mine, let him do whatever he wants and when they come back to yours pretend it's Xmas eve again and do Xmas day on boxing day. My kids love my "boxing day is Xmas day" version so much they didn't want to alternate Xmas any more, they want every Xmas at the ex's and then back to mine in the evening for the "fun Xmas" as they put it

For all those saying they won't know which day it is, my 5 year old knows absolutely which day it is. She counts down the days on the advent calendar, I'd have to have started lying about which day Christmas was about a week ago and it would be tricky because school hasn't broken up yet so she'd know it wasn't Tuesday today or whatever.

OP it sounds like he's asked for them on Christmas day to get to you, which is abusive. Forget all this cover up, however you do it, he's abusing them. Keep them home for Christmas. He can't even pick them up, you have to facilitate it.

If he was only having them for one day I’d maybe say send them but not the whole weekend. He doesn’t deserve to have them.

I've only read the OP's posts from which I can gather she has had some great advice.

It is SO hard to see your children being poorly treated by an ex and your instincts are to cover for it, or to compensate. IME, that's a never ending road. Your ex will see you pick up his slack, you'll end up run ragged, resentful and it won't benefit the children in the long term.

It's very hard, but in time they will see him for what he is - and that's on him. As much as you wish your DDs to have a good relationship with their Dad it's not your responsibility. You can maintain contact (physical and with birthdays etc), but beyond that it's up to him.

It makes me so angry and sad though. It's not hard, is it - some presents, a meal. And it's just so damaging for kids to be rejected by a parent. And hard for the other parent to then be the punching bag for the fall out.

My DS2 decided to cut contact with his Dad when he was 12 - after 5 years of crap. Stupid man. All he had to do was to put someone other than himself first now and again.

Absolutely this. Don't cover for him but don't stop him doing his thing either.

Tbf my daughter would have known at 5 too. But she wouldn’t have cared if I’d explained that Christmas happens on different days sometimes. I’m Danish and our official Christmas Day is on the 24th, so I’ve mixed and matched between the two however I want since I moved to the U.K. Children don’t care in the same way that adults do, and the way some adults go a bit batshit crazy over everything having to be on the exact day isn’t great anyway, imo.

If you do Christmas early they still run the disappointment of Xmas morning. I’d call them early on Xmas morning and let them know Santa visited you too!! They’ll be delighted to come home to that.

According to my girls he spends lots of time asleep when they are there

That's awful - they are far too little to be awake and unsupervised while he sleeps. What if they have an accident?

As long as they're not upset about going, I'd go with option 1, but do Christmas at yours another day as others have suggested. Even better that they've said they want Christmas at home - you can tell them you've spoken to Father Christmas about it and he's said he'll bring their presents on whichever day you go for, and he said not to forget to leave him a mince pie! We've had him come on a different day to us a few times when we've been away for Christmas Day, so I can confirm he definitely can accommodate requests like this.

I’m still trying to get my head round the idea of a parent who, in all seriousness, buys a microwave and photographic equipment for tiny children, intending to keep them for himself. Is he an actual psychopath? I can’t think that any sane person would go to the effort of planning that out, and then make it happen, and still think it was a good or even acceptable idea.

it sounds hard, OP, but i'd also go for option 1 with them taking presents for him that are actually for them
And bringing "their" gifts from him home with them. I'd probably mention that to them as i dropped them off.

But. You ought to get the contact regularised. And don't take crap from his family. He texts you his arrangements? just screenshot and pass them on with no comment if you want to engage, ignore if you don't.
And i'd have your christmas stuff with them after they come back so it's not a deflating end to their christmas rather than a disappionting start and a great end to it at yours.

If you do the ferrying of the kids, I'd be tempted to say my car had broken down. Sounds like there's a good chance he wouldn't bother making alternative travel arrangements for them.

This is a very good point.

It's probably what's best for the children's happiness.

What an absolute prick