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Original poster

I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

480 replies

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

OP posts:
karmalama · 19/12/2022 13:08

What a waste of space father he is !
I'd send them if you have to, give him something cheap but fun as a stocking for each of them, literally a selection box and a sticker book, with a little note from Santa attached to say he has left the proper stockings at home for later.
Then do a lovely Xmas day tea of their favorite food with a proper Xmas day on Boxing Day .
I'd also kick his sorry arse !

Holly6547 · 19/12/2022 13:09

I’d send them and then have your Christmas at home the way you’d like to. It’s a shame that he is the way that he is, but you can’t really cover something like that for long. If you want to make up something magic because they are young, there are some lovely ideas here.

Personally I find it best not to put too much pressure on things like this. They’ll still have stockings, a tree, and lots of love. The day doesn’t matter. So many people out there have to work or travel or are ill or do Christmas differently for whatever reason. It’s good to be flexible about things where you can and avoid too much pressure or disappointment.

I know that they are precious to you and you’d like it to be perfect, but you can’t control everything so make the most of the time that you have with them instead.

2ManyPjs · 19/12/2022 13:09

Dhama · 19/12/2022 11:43

I’d keep them. He can have the Christmas afternoon so they have the morning (and magic) with you. What an absolute plank he is, I mean do you think he’d do the stockings etc anyway?

Do you think he could be saying it to wind you up?

He can have the Christmas afternoon so they have the morning (and magic) with you

This does seem like the best way to avoid potential arguments, resentment and stress - he can't argue with this. Everyone wins.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families
determinedtomakethiswork · 19/12/2022 13:11

BCBird · 19/12/2022 11:47

Let them.go to.his apology of a celebration. Don't give stocking etc. They can have it when they come back and enjoy it with u

Why would you do that to your own children?

Tripsabroad · 19/12/2022 13:11

Another vote for Option 1.

Who knows, they might enjoy it. I don't think parents have to do everything the same. They'll still get their stocking in the evening or next day.

Peasepuddingbloodycold · 19/12/2022 13:12

He can have the Christmas afternoon so they have the morning (and magic) with you

This misses the point. He wants his usual contact hours, Friday to Sunday because he's spat his dummy out at OP wanting regular arrangements.

Calmdown14 · 19/12/2022 13:12

Can't you have them first thing Christmas morning and take them round to him about 10.30?

Sell it to him as he can have Christmas Eve out at the pub

JFDIYOLO · 19/12/2022 13:14

If 'his' weekend is non negotiable, let them go - knowing they'll be having real Christmas with you when they get back. And presents, he doesn't get to see them open yours without you.

quietnightmare · 19/12/2022 13:14

If it was me and I couldn't tell him to do one unless he was going to make it magical then my kids would magically become unwell on xmas eve before going sickness and diarrhoea would work and that way he won't want them there and you can have a magically Christmas for the children's sake. Your eldest is 7 this could be the last year for magic. Can't bare the thought of them having a rubbish Christmas at theirs dads especially when he's not going to bother and doesn't usually have them so they aren't missing out on anything but they will miss out if they aren't with you. I'm usually the other way on this and say tough and alternate years with deprecated parents but if he's not putting his all in to make it special like you would then it's a flat out no

Calmdown14 · 19/12/2022 13:14

And going forward the arrangement should be one gets Christmas Eve and the morning and the other gets the afternoon, Christmas lunch etc.
Swap each year.

Christmas is separate to normal contact arrangements

sweetdreamtennasee · 19/12/2022 13:15

You mentioned your girls will be coming home on christmas evening, and assuming from what you’ve said they believe in santa.

Might be a silly idea but wondering if you can write a fake letter from santa to your girls apologising and saying that his stockings and presents might be delivered a little later, and will be being delivered to your address on Christmas evening by some kind of christmassy magic.

That way they know in advance not to expect them at their dads and you can manage their expectations and disappointment. Perhaps you could also give them a couple of little things early like their books on Christmas eve, so they have things to take with them to their dads on the day to keep them entertained.

He’s a dickhead, he’s probably expecting you to either cover for him or kick off. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Christmas is more than one day and it sounds like your girls will have a magic time with you as their mum :) Boxing day is the best day anyway!

Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 13:17

Peasepuddingbloodycold · 19/12/2022 13:08

Sorry if I missed this, but will they have presents from his family despite them living far away? I.e. will there be child-friendly presents for them that weekend?

I'd be tempted to do Christmas, stockings and all at yours on Boxing Day. Will their older half siblings be there?

I'm not 100% sure but I believe his family send him money for the sake of ease, however they never talk about any gifts they get from his family so I'm fairly certain he spends it on house stuff/stuff for himself.

My daughters usually take a bag of clothes and toys to go over to his house so I don't think he has many toys there.

I send clothes because one of my dds hates dresses and he likes them to wear dresses, dd lives in joggers and hoodies, but he likes the attention of being a single dad out with two cute little girls wearing matching outfits. Dd bitches about it all the time 🤣 he finally relented on the clothes issue if I provided the joggers and hoodie.

OP posts:
ElfHasBeenSilly · 19/12/2022 13:18

Honest to god, just give him a big hard fuck OFF. This is the right thing to do for your daughters.

user58202018484482910ugog19293843910 · 19/12/2022 13:20

So you bought his Christmas decorations, you facilitate the contact because he doesn't drive, previous gifts have included a microwave for his 2 young children and he doesn't appear to want to change his ways. Why should you leave your children disappointed because of their deadbeat dad. He can see them on Boxing Day.

To be honest I was option one until I read this isn't court ordered contact. Keep them for Christmas and every Christmas until the court order is official if he chooses to go down that route.

Do not take them to his house. It's up to him to pick up the kids.

Peasepuddingbloodycold · 19/12/2022 13:21

Flowers OP this does sound tough.

I think I'd lower their expectations for the weekend, reassure them there'll be lots of Christmas to do when they get home and otherwise don't cover for him.

(Given their age and probable lack of presents there, I'd be tempted to sneak him the stockings, but can you trust him to "do" them properly? Probably not, so keep the stockings and magic for your house).

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I think this may be good for their resilience, learning that Christmas looks different in different houses. They'll probably be happy to spend time with their dad and given you've nudged him, he might have one or two surprises.

Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 13:21

So when people are looking he's the perfect dad to 2 girly little girls
Behind closed doors he goes to sleep rather than interact with them and he can't be bothered to do anything to make Christmas Day seem like Christmas Day
What a sad fake man he is ☹️

Bigdamnheroes · 19/12/2022 13:23

I'd keep them with you tbh. There's no mandate insisting that that is his weekend. He wants ad hoc, well that's what ad hoc is. It's unplanned. Tough shit, you want to pick and choose when to be a parent, you don't get to have the nice bits with none of the effort. Fuck him off.

Travis1 · 19/12/2022 13:24

Nah this isn’t for your kids. Sack it and keep them with you for a decent Christmas

Twillow · 19/12/2022 13:24

I'd let him have them (they will get used to disappointment as they grow older sadly) and plan a proper Christmas for Boxing Day with you.

GrinAndVomit · 19/12/2022 13:24

My under sevens have no clue what day is what.
I’d leave him to do his shitty Christmas and then make your day with them Christmas Day too/two.

Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 13:25

It's become so clear to me lately the reason most men agree to have children is it makes the mother easier to manipulate
they have no intention of doing any parenting they are just looking for a way to have more control so that they can get an easy life for themselves ☹️

fairlygoodmother · 19/12/2022 13:26

If you buy your girls presents to give to him, is this not a perfect opportunity to get him something they want? So he gives them some camera equipment, they give him a my little pony and can play with it when they visit him?

GrinAndVomit · 19/12/2022 13:26

fairlygoodmother · 19/12/2022 13:26

If you buy your girls presents to give to him, is this not a perfect opportunity to get him something they want? So he gives them some camera equipment, they give him a my little pony and can play with it when they visit him?

This is brilliant

Olive19741205 · 19/12/2022 13:27

According to my girls he spends lots of time asleep when they are there, and they seem to soley play Minecraft on his weekends and not much else so I don't think he's fussed about quality time, he just wants his agreed days

I'm sorry OP but there's not a chance in hell I would send my DC to him for 2 days to basically be ignored over Christmas, it sounds grim. It's not court ordered, don't send them.

VioletCharlotte · 19/12/2022 13:27

Do they like going to him? If they're genuinely looking forward to spend time with him then I think just leave him to it and do Christmas properly when they come back to you. Otherwise then keep them with you. My ex was like this, but there's no way my two would have agreed to spend Christmas Day with him