I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

[Rantaboutmytwatofanex]

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

Not court ordered I’d go for 3 and not send them. Keep all his texts/messages. It’s not a disagreement over different styles of Christmas eg you’re not moaning they have had beef not turkey or that he’s missed the crackers he’s doing naff all. You need to put best interests of children first. If they have always celebrated Christmas it’s awful to do nothing they won’t understand.

You're supposed to be co-parenting, not controlling what your ex does because it's not what you want to do.

He's bought them a microwave and photographic equipment??

I would be saying see you in the supervised contact centre if you can be bothered to fight for it.

I’m quite sure Father Christmas will be leaving the stockings at your place by mistake along with all the other presents. Let him do Christmas his way at his place with the children and you do Christmas your way when the children get back to yours . He’s doing this precisely because he expects you to step in . Just don’t .

I feel for you OP, but I am glad to see that you have realised the extent to which you cover for him.

Shit men need to take responsibility for their own behaviour. I do wonder what would happen if women stopped doing this. How much of their terrible behaviour is perpetuated by women covering for them?

He used to do pick ups and drop offs, he lives about 30 mins away.

He would pick them up and they would have on weather appropriate stuff, 9/10 times when he took them back they would be in clothes that were too small, or in tights and a t-shirt in the snow, he ended up taking all their decent clothes and I ended up with piles of ill-fitting crap that I would have to replace.

It was costing me a fortune so thats why I started doing pick ups and drop offs (that and covid/public transport and my dd had a severe lung condition at one point) so I can ask for their clothes back while I'm there. He thought I was being petty but it was literally costing me so much money as he had all their warm clothes.

They do know when Xmas is, as pp said they have advent calanders, and the oldest knows what day it falls on, but I can use on of the brilliant ideas on here about moving the date of it to another day.

My oldest works away so will only be around on Xmas eve and Xmas day unfortunately, but we have something planned in January for them to see each other.

Ex is definitely a performance parent, he takes all the credit for everything great, I potty trained youngest dd over the lockdowns, then ex took all the credit for potty training her in a day when she saw him again 🤣 he also taught older dd algebra when I was only working on addition apparently, I usually just shake my head and move on from his stupidness.

One of my dds wants her hair cut short, and he has told her only boys have short hair, that boys hit girls because they like them etc, but when ex tried to give dd a cuddle and she didn't want one she roared "MY BODY MY CHOICE AND I SAY NO" at him. I was so proud. So I do try and counteract his shitty parenting without insulting him to them. Its getting more difficult though. I could probably write a book about the crap he pulls.

This is why I'm trying to think of the best thing to do for them without thinking about either mine or exes wants or needs, but its not easy.

I’d go for 23rd or 24th Christmas. Then they still get the magic with you. He can hardly moan you’ve stolen his thunder if they have a stocking and Christmas dinner with you as he wasn’t doing either.

Personally I woud leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad. It won't kill them and you can have a nice Christmas with them in your own time. The reason I say this is that in the long term it may be a good thing and they will see their dad for who he really is without having to badmouth him to them. Give him enough rope and all that.

My experience says that he will only use your refusing to let him have them against you in future. Giving him all the stuff you have worked for will just cover up his thoughtlessness.

So to recap

he isn’t interested in interacting with his children - when they’re there he sleeps (which is frankly dangerous given their ages)

he buys them presents that are actually presents for him (a fucking microwave???)

he’s planning on doing nothing special at all on Christmas Day but wants them anyway (probably because he knows it will upset you)

and there’s no court ordered arranged contact

fuck him off OP & tell him you’ll see him in court if he wants to formalise contact over Christmas

Do not cover for him. Option 1

Option 1 (although 3 is very tempting). Leave him to do his shit Xmas. Do not bail him out with stockings and the like. Have your Xmas before the weekend, or, preferable, negotiate him collecting them from you on Xmas morning so you can do your Xmas on Xmas Eve.

It sounds like you have an informal arrangement. Too late for this year, but think about sorting Xmas and your DC’s birthdays and what’s going to happen. You have my sympathy. I hope you and your DC have a lovely time whenever you have Xmas.

He hasn't got a clue how to do Christmas for children, not surprisingly as it sounds as if his own childhood Christmases were shit. Pizza for Christmas dinner, is he having a laugh?

Keep your girls and have Christmas Day with them, then have yourself a break while they spend New Year's weekend with him.

I know what you mean about the gifts - my ex buys my sons expensive models and drones which they have little interest in. He even bought them BB guns once ffs.

Some men have no idea, I'm sorry.

Yes, he knows you will jump in and try and make things better for the girls. He is manipulating you. You say they love him very much, so this suggests he is okay with them.
Step back and let him do it his way. You don't need to be involved.

Phone them Christmas morning and let them know Father Christmas has left stockings at yours. Also tell them how lucky they are because they will have an extended Christmas. Maybe in the run up look at how differently it is celebrated around the world, so they know it can be different. Emphasise that we make the Christmas magic and the real message is about family and spending time with people we love.

If their Christmas day is pizza and gaming, that's not exactly traditional, but it's fine.
Once they are home, you do you, which I bet will be absolutely magnificent. x

Let him do his thing then tell your girls that father Christmas got his addresses mixed up and left the stockings etc with you. Don't help him at
all

I was going to suggest stockings and gifts at yours when they get back. Silly Father Christmas left them at home rather than their dad's.

He doesn’t deserve to spend Christmas with him. Alternately they go and may well refuse next year because he made it so awful.

with them

1 or 3. As there is no court order I’d go for 3. As he doesn’t drive do not facilitate him seeing the dc, that’s on him.

Then I’d do stockings as soon as you get them home, then presents Boxing Day morning —- Santa got confused and did a special delivery just for them?

I really wouldn’t cover for him or he’ll do it every time.

I think that I'd do Christmas when they get back.

Something to look forward to after the disappointment at their Dad's.

And only a day late!

I’d leave them go and then make up for it yourself when they return. As they get bigger they just won’t want to go to his anymore for Christmas because it’s crap

If he wanted to do Christmas his way and it just wasn't the same as your day I'd tell you to suck it up and let him do his thing, since he simply can't be arsed to do Christmas at all I'd definitely be telling him to fuck the fuck off. He can give them his shit presents another day and they can have their proper stockings and Christmas day at their actual home.

Are they allowed to bring 'their' xmas present home? If so, sell it and let them buy something they want.

Worst case scenario, it might even guilt him into giving them a proper Xmas

It won't kill them - not really a standard to aim for for Christmas day, is it?

There's no reason why OP should send her children into a neglectful environment at any time, let alone Christmas day.

Being exposed to this neglect WIll impact their mental health and self-esteem eventually. Or they will grow up to be man-pleasers.

Do the ACTUALLY like spending time there, or are they trying to keep everyone happy themselves?