Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

480 replies

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

OP posts:
SomethingOriginal2 · 19/12/2022 15:47

Do christmas early. Tell them it'll be early because they're going to their dad's, do your normal christmas eve, then wake up to christmas day as usual . Same day just a bit early.

Then they've had the excitement and won't be as disappointed with his shit show.

Don't cover for him, I can't believe he bought gifts for himself and is going to make them open it thinking they're theirs.

InSummertime · 19/12/2022 15:49

MithrilCostsMore · 19/12/2022 11:42

Tell him to fuck off, keep the girls with you for Christmas

This

Dumpstertruck · 19/12/2022 15:49

I'm so sorry to hear about your health OP.

I do have other options which would involve a bit if upheaval for the girls and being passed around a bit, which I was really hoping not to have to do.

Maybe if you can describe what these would entail people can help you judge if it really is better for them to go to his. From your descriptions it sounds as if the blackmail entailed in the run-up to your op and the poor parenting for a week would be unlikely to be better than a bit of upheaval for DDs tbh.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families
FinallyFluid · 19/12/2022 15:51

My sister thinks I have witchy tendencies............😜👀👀😜

All I can see is a flat tyre when you go out to take them to him, you are too unwell to change it yourself and the AA won't prioritise you because you are parked outside your house and not in peril on the M25 or similar.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2022 15:51

Wardrobemalfunction22 · 19/12/2022 11:51

If your DC are under 7 they won't know which day is which anyway. So you could leave them at your ex for the weekend, then do a "proper" Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with you on Monday and Tuesday when everyone will still be on holiday and all the TV will be full of xmas movies and so on anyway.

My 6 year-old DGC is well aware of how many Sleeps...

Op either keep them for the morning or don't send them at all. It's not court-ordered...

Cas112 · 19/12/2022 15:55

Option 3

He's being selfish and not making a nice Christmas so I would tell him to piss off and you be selfish instead and not let him have them. It's Christmas why can't he make the effort, poor girls

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 19/12/2022 15:57

FloydPepper · 19/12/2022 11:52

You can’t start deciding he can’t see them just because he’s not doing something the way you want. That’s a dangerous precedent to set.

neither should you bail him out and provide all the stuff that a decent dad should be doing.

option 1 is the only viable one really. It’s a shame for the kids but you can do your own thing and let them see the contrast for themselves.

I think @FloydPepper has it spot on. Do your own xmas with the kids another day. He is the one failing them not you. If you keep them with you, he can say you're keeping him away and you become the bad guy. If you semd presents and cover him, then you are only delaying your kids working out for themselves who their dad is.

Headabovetheparakeet · 19/12/2022 15:58

I fully believe that he is so insistent on this Christmas because I'm unwell, and potentially (although not likely) won't be here next christmas.

Oh op, this is awful. Just keep them with you.

haikuhannah · 19/12/2022 16:00

Would he even take the stockings/gifts you have provided? Would there not be some macho pride element of him that wouldn't want bailing out by you? He's clearly decided his version of Christmas is adequate and not at all shit for his dc so why would he want your input?

Honestly it's so hard because it would break my heart too and it's just such poor effort on his part. But I don't think you can withhold contact if it's his weekend. You'll just have to make it up to them when they come home.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 19/12/2022 16:00

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 15:40

Thank you everyone.

I know, I know I sound like an idiot.

Stockings have always been from santa, and the presents from me and him individually, so I think that's the bit I find upsetting the most. I don't want them to wake up thinking santa forgot them, but there have been some great ideas to counteract that, and about managing expectations.

He has never really cared about Xmas before so I'm not sure whats changed this year for him. He usually volunteers to work for the extra pay.

I just see the impact having no real dad had on my older dc and want to prevent that, but maybe I'm doing it at the cost of my daughters and am still fucking things up, just in a different way.

I know I am possibly sounding a bit controlling, and I'm really trying not to be here, but he is literally making the most minimal effort possible. I'm not expecting a full roast dinner, even I don't do that, but surely a stocking, some party hats, maybe a couple of bowls of sweets and a tube of pringles isn't asking the earth?

In 3 or 4 years when the girls don't believe in santa anymore then they can absolutely go and have a rubbish day and that's fine, but I don't want that magic ruined in the few short years they have of being so small because he can't be arsed.

I would love to sell the gifts he gets the girls but they will never come out of his house. He doesn't allow them to remove anything from his house at all since the clothes incident.

Another layer to this is that I've had another diagnosis of cancer again and I'm going to need him to look after the girls while I go in for my op, my older kids have worked their jobs around my treatments as much as they can, but I'll need him to have them for a week again soon.

Last time I had pissed him off a few days before my op (asked him to stop smoking in the house due to dds lung problem) and he told me he just wasn't going to look after them for me anymore, and I don't really have any other options for a whole week. I fully believe that he is so insistent on this Christmas because I'm unwell, and potentially (although not likely) won't be here next christmas. If I say no I believe he will say he isn't having them while I have my op.

I do have other options which would involve a bit if upheaval for the girls and being passed around a bit, which I was really hoping not to have to do.

The long and short of it is that I need to do what's right by my girls though. It's just so difficult.

I originally opted for option one but the more you reveal about him the clearer it becomes that he is not just feckless but a deliberately highly abusive man. He is abusing your children and he is using them to abuse you. You need to see this clearly.

I get that you feel trapped as you need him for when you go in for your treatment. However, if he walked in front of a bus tomorrow (we can but wish) you would find another solution. I urge you to find that other solution regardless. He can't be your only option, he is just a convenient option, but one that will come at a very high price.

Honestly. I think the people suggesting you force him to go to court for access have the right idea. You need to start fighting back, for your sake and especially for your girls.

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2022 16:00

Stop facilitating his shitness! (Not a word I don't think).
Absolutely DO NOT send your stockings to him and just stop doing so much for him! Does he buy you presents from the girls?

I'd explain to the girls that they'll have a Christmas with their dad and a Christmas with you. That's all you can do really. Well, apart from getting proper contact sorted and stop with all the ferrying around. If he wants contact, he has to make the effort to make it happen.

Tigofigo · 19/12/2022 16:04

thisplaceisweird · 19/12/2022 12:31

This.

Do 'your' christmas the day they are with you - wake them up and say 'santa said he knew you weren't at home last night so he sent his elves to bring you your stockings a day late' or something silly like that. Then give them the christmas you want to give them.

But don't cover for him. They wont know the difference between the 25th and the 26th.

Show quote history

This is a great idea. Do the stockings and Christmas dinner etc on boxing day. Maybe tell them in advance this is what is happening so they're not crushed with disappointment on Christmas day.

MuthaHubbard · 19/12/2022 16:05

I think @Excited101 has good suggestions there re different Christmas', mummy and daddy versions etc. This helps manage why other people have different ways of doing Christmas and that as they get older, they will be able to decide/have choices around what they want to do

Quitelikeit · 19/12/2022 16:07

So this could be their last Xmas with you and you are sending them there?

im struggling here tbh

themanwho · 19/12/2022 16:09

I think have your Christmas with them on Xmas eve, do stockings and works… Christmas Eve was always the magical bit for me

what an arsehole though

i do wonder if he’s just being a windup to stop you being involved. But still, an arse

thenewduchessoflapland · 19/12/2022 16:11

"and doesn't drive so I do all the running back and forth anyway"

I think your car needs to break down on Christmas Eve;they can't go to his if you have no transportation............

Dumpstertruck · 19/12/2022 16:11

Quitelikeit · 19/12/2022 16:07

So this could be their last Xmas with you and you are sending them there?

im struggling here tbh

Agreed. I think some posters talking about teaching kids that "everyone does Christmas differently" are missing the point that this is clearly a situation with ongoing abuse.
Sorry OP. I think you might benefit from talking this through with Women's Aid or similar.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 19/12/2022 16:12

I wouldn’t send them….if he wants them next year he can learn to make an effort. He isn’t going to look at their disappointed faces and be wracked with guilt because most men don’t feel ‘mother guilt’.

IsItThough · 19/12/2022 16:12

I'd do something lovely with them on the day on Friday/Xmas Eve, including saying ooh in Europe everyone celebrates on Xmas eve so let's do xyz.

Hang up stockings at your house, and they will be magically full when they come back on Xmas day and you give them gifts from you.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/12/2022 16:14

Just to clarify @Rantaboutmytwatofanex, and to follow up on this part of your reply: "I would love to sell the gifts he gets the girls but they will never come out of his house. He doesn't allow them to remove anything from his house at all since the clothes incident." I wasn't for one second suggesting that you would sell the gifts to get the girls something else, just that they shouldn't be forced to leave these 'gifts' in Daddy's house where they can't use them, after all, he gave them to the girls as gifts and they are allowed to bring them wherever they want. Might also get him to stop buying them gifts that are actually for him.

Lovemusic33 · 19/12/2022 16:15

He sounds f#cking useless but my ex is no better. My ex has never had his dc for Christmas Day, he used to have them Boxing Day but has been dragging his heals for a few years. This is the first year he has actually bought them presents himself, usually I have to buy them and he gives me the money for them.

i would keep them at your for Christmas morning so they can have a stocking and gifts, they can go to their dads late morning?

MysteriousMonkey · 19/12/2022 16:16

Tell them Santa is going to make a special trip just for them the night before Christmas eve and celebrate Christmas with them on Christmas eve maybe. That way they won't mind their day at their dad's because they'll already feel they had Christmas.

Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 16:16

Dumpstertruck · 19/12/2022 15:49

I'm so sorry to hear about your health OP.

I do have other options which would involve a bit if upheaval for the girls and being passed around a bit, which I was really hoping not to have to do.

Maybe if you can describe what these would entail people can help you judge if it really is better for them to go to his. From your descriptions it sounds as if the blackmail entailed in the run-up to your op and the poor parenting for a week would be unlikely to be better than a bit of upheaval for DDs tbh.

My oldest works away through the week, can potentially get either a Friday or a Monday off, but then there's the travel to his work, which would be a real pain.

So my oldest could have them Monday, he would have to leave at stupid o'clock on Tuesday morning, my 18yo is online learning on Tuesday he could do school drop off then his college online, he works Tuesday 5-10 so my friend would have to pick up and take them overnight and do drop off.

Neither of my boys can do Wednesday however my boyfriend (3 years but he doesn't live here) has kept a few days holiday back to take me to appointments and has offered to take the girls, however ex would massively kick off if he were looking after them. (He couldn't do Monday Tuesday as my op is a few hours from my home and we will be travelling down, staying overnight so I can get in first thing Tuesday, he will take the car back) so he could do Wed, thur and Fri, although I'll need some cover if I get out sooner so he can pick me up but there's a couple of people who could help, then oldest can do the weekend. Hopefully I would be out before then. I could cover it all but it would just be a pain if my boyfriend babysat and ex kicked off, it's too much to put on one individual person too.

Even if ex is shit they would have consistency and they do love their dad.

I will be fine, it's not a very aggressive cancer and I'll recover OK, but there's always just that little niggly feeling of 'what if' which is making me feel extra guilty if the girls Christmas is shit.

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 19/12/2022 16:17

Also, if your health is a critical as you say, have you thought about what happens to the girls if the worst does happen? I don't know what options you might have legally but you need to consider that. It sounds like him having full care of them could be absolutely disastrous for them. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this.

hellycat · 19/12/2022 16:21

I really liked the suggestion upthread that whenever the girls do go to his house and bring 'their' presents to him, you give him toys suitable for 5-7 year old girls.

Maybe it will finally get through his thick skull? Or maybe not.

A microwave for a five year old, does this man have mental health issues?