I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

[Rantaboutmytwatofanex]

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

I am 64. That’s important.
As a child we used to do to my grandmother’s for Christmas morning, home for lunch, back toGrandmother’s for the evening. This meant I always had something good to eat (sneaked into kitchen at Grandmother’s) and a suitable present.
When I was fifteen mother decided we were going to her friend’s house for Christmas. I cooked and cleaned, nothing new but no breaks, and she didn’t bother getting me a present. I’ve never forgotten how awful it felt. Never. 49 years I’ve carried that.
Give your children the Christmas they deserve and tell him as he has no intention of giving children a proper Christmas he can have them on Boxing Day.

Tell him to fuck right off

They aren't allowed to take anything from his house to my house since me being 'petty' about the clothes, or I would be sorely tempted.

I know he has some sort of camera lense filter thing for one dd, I'm not even sure what the other dd has, it sounds like some editing stuff or similar.

I wouldn't go with the "santa got muddled up and sent the presents here" approach personally - it lets him off the hook and puts the blame on Santa.

I'd tell them they get to have two xmases now they have two homes. Obviously if he were doing nothing at all then I wouldn't phrase it quite the same, but if he's going to give stupid presents, you can't get round that. Part of having a shit parent is sadly learning that you have a shit parent. Good thing is, he's only one of their parents

unless you don't take them, but as PP said - that will get held against you, possibly by the children themselves

I don’t think the stockings matter. I never had the, don’t do them. Just make sure kids know in advance.

The rest of it is shit. I would not cover his ass. This is who he is and his children are just going to have to learn that. You can’t hide who he is from them.

Whenever you don't Christmas with your girls you will make magical memories and that's what they remember. Let them have a very ordinary boring couple of days with him and fun with you.

1 or 2
Not 3

Mt XH is a terrible father. I facilitated him or years when we were together and for some timecafter we split. To my children's detriment as they adored him and believed him to be a wonderful father. Sadly as they got older and I stopped facilitating him they realised what an absolute arse of a man and father he is. So much so my older DD chooses to have no contact with him and my younger DD seems to live in fear he will stop caring and does everything in her power to facilitate him herself.
I wish I hadn't let them pretend for so long he was a good father.
Tell him he can't have them. Why do that to them. It's all about him and control for him. Not about them at all.

Don’t cover for him.
Tell them the plan as soon as you can so they know what to expect. If they have petty of time to anticipate it all, it won’t feel so bad.
Tell them that they get a couple of Christmas days with their dad and a couple of Christmas days with you afterwards.
Explain that FC will leave their stockings and presents at home for them to open when they get back.

Also explain that because Christmas is a time of giving they can choose a joint gift to buy and wrap for their father as well as a surprise gift to buy and wrap for each other so that each of them have something to open on the morning of the 25th.
Don’t cover for him.
By the time Christmas Day falls on a weekend again, they will be much more aware and it will be easier.

Sorry but absolutely this

Just say NO! It isn’t court ordered he can have them on Boxing Day but never Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Tell him to try explaining to a family court how a lens filter or a microwave is appropriate for under 7s. I wouldn’t hesitate. He is taking advantage of you.

Don’t provide stuff for him then he will expect it all the time. I would have my own Christmas Day with your kids before they go there

Tell him he can't have them. Why do that to them. It's all about him and control for him. Not about them at all

This ^. If one iota of genuine interest was shown by him then I might have some sympathy for those saying "definitely not option 3".

Surely a mother has a duty to protect their DC.

Don't cover for him OP. If you keep covering for him, its going to make the rejection of his shitness hit harder later because they expect him to be better. If they see it when they're younger they will understand its just how dad is, rather than them wondering why he's 'changed' to not giving a shit down the line.

If you send them, have everything set up for when they come home. Maybe their stockings and a Christmas elf hunt or something with some little presents. Then they can wake up to more presents on boxing day.

@ThreeLittleDots says it all! Can't believe the people who say 'send them, they'll get over it.' This is what I hate about Mumsnet, the sensible and kind option is to do what makes your children happy. Have them at home with you and send them to his on Boxing Day!

This. Let them see hum for what he is.

Even if you send him all the physical bits for a decent Xmas, it sounds as if there is zero chance he'd make the effort to set it up, give them stuff etc, so I wouldn't bother.
Covering for him just gives him chance to hide his shittiness until they're older, if he actually bothered, I really don't think he will, nor will you get back anything that is sent there...

Make your alternative christmas wonderful, but if he wants to fail, let him - they know they are loved by you and your side of their family, and VERY soon they will be old enough to tell him they've no interest in going there to see him at all.

Do you do Stockings from Santa? If so, and they go, tell them Santa didn't know they were with their dad, so he's left them with you. Not quite the same, but better than them thinking they were forgotten.

I wouldn't tell him to 'fuck off'. I would be civil about it. Just tell him that your children are very young and deserve a Christmas Day which is unlike any other day of the year, on which they have been given thoughtful gifts and made to feel cherished. I remember the excitement of waking on CD and feeling for the stocking, it was a magical moment, do you want to take that away from them? I think giving children tech and camera gadgets which you have really bought for yourself is really mean and very sad for them. And he isn't even buying any nice food - he mightn't be up to making a roast dinner but surely he could buy some desserts, chocolates etc? I wonder if their father's parents are still alive or around and what they make of this half-assed excuse for a man?

Tell him to do one. Your Christmas sounds lovely and Im sure your girls will adore it. Its YOUR Weekend, if he wants to see them then he can Facetime or he can pull his socks up and actually buy some little gifts for a stocking and bring them over.

I'd ask a relative to pop over and be with you so he cant try and take them - that's if he pulls his socks up and sorts himself out, just to be on the safe side

Option 2 or 3. The kids deserve a nice Christmas and I wouldn't leave them in a situation where they'd have a crap time. It's rubbish that you have to pick up the slack though.

Actually I'd just do 3. He can do his crap Christmas another day.

Its YOUR Weekend

It’s not though, it’s his contact weekend. Christmas Day can be on the 26th, it won’t be any less special because it’s Boxing Day.

Option 1

Let him do Christmas his way. Don't undermine it

And you do it your way. How you want to do it

His gifts do sound lame, but that's what he's choosing to give them. And plenty of children would be happy with pizza for Christmas Day lunch. It's their parents who say it has to be a traditional roast dinner

Because he’s ‘not doing something you want’ is pretty unrecognisable as a description or does absolutely nothing for his dc for Christmas. Nothing. No food, not a single decoration, no magic and no fun, worse than no presents as they know what presents are but have the cognitive dissonance that these are presents from dad but they aren’t fun and they don’t get to keep them and presents are both of those things, but dad says they are presents… I think if he doesn’t like it he should try telling court how he’s being a parent who deserves Christmas with his children - is there anything at all he can say to justify that except they are my child and that makes them my property?