Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

You are massively projecting your own experiences onto this situation. Your dh hasn't changed, he is the same person. This a u you problem not him

And way more concern for the angry raging man than for his wife and kids.

There were always a few comments like this but recently it seems like there are loads on every thread. Saying that, this would be better posted in 'relationships' than in 'chat'. Some pp clearly think they're in AIBU all the time.

To be honest I think it depends. I don’t tolerate shouting and screaming in rage, we just don’t do it in the house. Of course you feel angry or annoyed sometimes, but I wouldn’t allow any of my kids to scream at me in a rage, so DH and I don’t do it either. As adults we should be able to control our temper even if we feel anger. I dislike any shouting.

But as a one off if he’s never done it before I’d be asking him if something is wrong and looking at how he can prevent this happening again.

Responses like this are so boring.

Life is much more nuanced. NOBODY has said that anyone should terrorise another human being. Most people are picking up the possible/probable influences at play.

If a person is bitten by a dog as a child (as an example) it’s likely that every time a strange dog approaches them as an adult they will have a nervous response. Doesn’t necessarily mean that all dogs are vicious.

Clearly the OP felt scared and we all feel sympathy.

Only you know how this had made you feel. If you really think that you can no longer leave your children with your husband then you must split, what else can you do if you no longer trust him?
I do, however, think it would be a massive overreaction . I have lost my temper massively with my dd , I'm not a bad mum neither am I a risk to her.

But as a one off if he’s never done it before I’d be asking him if something is wrong and looking at how he can prevent this happening again.

No, he should be asking himself what's wrong and how he can prevent this from happening again. He should be working out how to rebuild the trust he's damaged and give OP the reassurance she needs that it will never ever happen again. OP doesn't need to do anything just now except keep herself and kids safe.

So what do you actually want him to do? He’s acknowledged it was wrong to shout so much. He’s apologised to you and to the children, he can’t go back in time and undo it. I don’t think one moment of rage means you should instantly LTB or be worried for the children’s safety here, you are allowing your childhood to affect your judgement here. There isn’t a pattern, there isn’t a history. Obviously if this does happen again then obviously that changes the outcome but for now I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel. If he has been a great partner for 15 years u you should have good communication and be able to discuss this sensibly. Personally I’d be concerned something else was going on with him, stressed about work, cost of living.

The thing is that screaming in a rage won’t teach them not to play fight. It won’t really teach them anything. I’ve worked with loads of kids and it’s not like the ones who get screamed at in rage are significantly better behaved than those who have parents that parent appropriately.

Well obviously if he was the one posting I’d have suggested that. As it is op is posting so I’m telling her what I would do in her situation. I’d want to know what he would be doing to prevent it happening again. Which would necessitate asking him.

Same here.

I can't believe some of the responses. Including "well, maybe it'll teach the children to behave better". Being frightened into "behaving better" is beyond the pale.

PP also seem to think this is AIBU. OP sensibly didn't post in AIBU, so there's no need to act as if she did.

Obviously if this does happen again then obviously that changes the outcome

But in the meantime, OP is waiting to see if it happens again. That's no way to live.

Personally I’d be concerned something else was going on with him, stressed about work, cost of living.

But again, it's his responsibility to deal with this. We all get stressed, but we don't all rage and terrify our partners. He needs to get himself to a GP, into therapy, whatever he needs to do to be confident he won't snap like this again. And he needs to work out what he needs to do to rebuild the trust in his relationship.

Well, yes, presumably he would agree with you given the fact that he left the house and then came home to apologise?

100% agreed to everything you said. Everything. It's an easy thing to dismiss it as 'trauma'. That's an easy out, and means a woman who has ever suffered trauma, will therefore never be believed again.
The fact he has got angry and shouted before but this time was very, very different seems to pass straight over their heads because they are biased by her having trauma. Fck me us women really make things harder for each other don't we. Trauma or no trauma, this time was very different. If it were only trauma, she would have reacted every single time he got angry and shouted over the 15 years.

I think that is true of children who are frequently screamed at. For children who don't get screamed at I think it is likely to be quite effective as a one off, demonstrated by the fact they then sat down and watched cartoons.

@saraclara

Yes. If OP is as damaged by trauma and unable to read normal anger as 99% of responders seem to think, why has this never raised its head before?

Maybe it has. Nothing to do with who is right or wrong in this situation but I just wanted to say I was diagnosed with c-PTSD when I was 46. I had no idea my responses and hyper vigilance were not normal. None. I had always felt as I did, it was my normal. Now with the knowledge and diagnosis I can understand myself better and realise that my reaction is not the norm. (Again not discussing op here) sometimes if it's part of who we are from childhood it takes a long time to realise it's unusual.

They need to go together don't they? The OP is not sure how much of their reaction is due to their trauma response and neither do we.

You are definitely overreacting and I say this as someone whose father was Mr Angry. It really doesn't sound like your DH is like that.

It's one thing to overreact in the moment and another to still not be able to see it completely rationally much later. It's this that makes me wonder if you might benefit from some counselling. It sounds like you may have had a PTSD response.

Try to focus on your DH's behaviour since this. He did everything right and your DCs weren't bothered by what happened.

That's a good analogy but there is one problem with that. She has said she has seen him shout and get angry before. But this time was different. For your analogy to work, she would get fearful every time he shouted or got angry.
But she hasn't, has she? Only this time.

I've been left shaking with fear because a tall skinny man I'd just been introduced to made an awkward joke.

Was I genuinely under threat? No. Was it this man's fault what had happened to me in the past? No. Was it his fault he happened to superficially resemble the man who had hurt me in the past? No. But my brain and body, at that specific point in time, couldn't tell that. It thought it was back in that actual moment, with that other man. My "instincts" are good, sharpened by my trauma even, but they aren't flawless.

I think the very intensity of OP's reaction shows that there is a trauma response happening here. OP can leave her husband for any reason at any time. I fully support that. But with the best possible intent for her, I would advise her to talk to a therapist, and to her husband, before she does anything drastic.

You are overreacting. You told your kids multiple times to behave and they ignored you. Glad your partner stepped in and brought the brats under control.🙄

But again, it's his responsibility to deal with this. We all get stressed, but we don't all rage and terrify our partners. He needs to get himself to a GP, into therapy, whatever he needs to do to be confident he won't snap like this again. And he needs to work out what he needs to do to rebuild the trust in his relationship.

This works both ways. I would lose trust in my partner if they threatened to not let me see my kids alone again because I shouted on one occasion and they didn't like it. People need to take a step back and realise when they are overreacting AND when they are viewing the kids as "theirs". You simply cannot act like you have the right to stop your equally responsible parent from seeing their kids over something like this. That would take some rebuilding of trust from OP for me, too.

Yes he should but also relationships are built and maintained on two way communication. This necessitates people having conversations. He needs to understand why he did it and put something in place to avoid it again.

OP is also part of the relationship and she should be asking what he is going to be doing about it, and understand what the tigger point is so they as a family can look to learn from this and move on together.

stonewalling people with a your problem you solve doesn’t help anything.

...and on another thread someone explained that if you feel the threat of hurt (whether intended or not) by someone, it is common assault.

Just because OP has had trauma in the past doesn't mean that her response is an overreaction. It sounds like what OP needs is to understand and validate her emotional boundaries, not to be told that she's wrong and to focus on helping her husband. So maybe therapy might be helpful for OP, but not together with her husband. She doesn't need to have to justify herself to her husband after he raged at her and terrified her. She may need someone to listen and reassure her that she has the right to safety and trust in her relationship and help her work out whether she will be able to trust her husband in the future.

Did I seriously just read that?