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Original poster

Last night dp lost his temper

348 replies

melonpips · 19/12/2022 06:49

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 19/12/2022 09:34

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 19/12/2022 09:26

I strongly agree and I'm astonished at the initial replies.

An adult man losing control and showing actual rage is frightening, especially for children.

And why is HIS rage okay and normal and understandable, but children play-fighting to be punished? All this "Never mind poor furious grown man, why are you rewarding your kids instead of punishing them?!"

It's completely backwards. Mind you, I've seen before that there's a section of MN users who do love to excuse adults losing their shit at children, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised

OP, I think your instincts are absolutely valid here.

Show quote history

You don't think the op would have mentioned in her children were upset or even slightly bothered by the shouting? She says she put the TV on to distract them from her upset, not theirs.

Of course children will be upset by a parent getting angry at them. That doesn't seem to be relevant here.

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2022 09:35

This thread is awful. Full on victim blaming and gaslighting.

OP it sounds very scary and your response is normal and proportionate. I think you need to make it clear to your husband that this is a boundary - it can never happen again and he needs to work on whatever has made him react this way to a normal family situation, as well as working on rebuilding trust with you. Terrifying you is a violation of your safety in your home and I would also be taking it very seriously.

7eleven · 19/12/2022 09:36

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2022 09:35

This thread is awful. Full on victim blaming and gaslighting.

OP it sounds very scary and your response is normal and proportionate. I think you need to make it clear to your husband that this is a boundary - it can never happen again and he needs to work on whatever has made him react this way to a normal family situation, as well as working on rebuilding trust with you. Terrifying you is a violation of your safety in your home and I would also be taking it very seriously.

🙄

Brefugee · 19/12/2022 09:36

I think you managed this better than you think.
You were able to analyse the situation, were terrified yet still able to tell your dh to go out for a walk to calm down.

agree. I think they both did and that shows a good relationship. I suspect that DP knows OPs triggers and as i said before, i wonder if she knows his? it is easy (and understandable) for us to have our own trauma reactions. But as we are now seeing, it isn't that there has been a sudden increase in DV over the last few generations, it is that we didn't discuss or handle a lot of it before.

It is entirely possible that the DP here has a trauma, trigger or new stress in his life that he needs help, patience and understanding with.

But i also agree that the DCs here need to be told, in no uncertain terms, that there is unacceptable behaviour that will not be tolerated. And consequences. Not rewards.

BoudiccaVibes · 19/12/2022 09:38

That's sad, hope you're okay. It's a shock when partners behave differently to how we expect. He is human, as are you. All/both of your feelings are valid.

He did the right thing and calmed tf down. Find a quiet moment to have a chat about it and try to move on.

TulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2022 09:40

An adult man losing control and showing actual rage is frightening, especially for children.

Exactly, I 100% agree however the OP says the children were NOT scared or upset at all which begs the question if that’s what actually happened or if it’s OP’s past trauma being triggered.

Octo5 · 19/12/2022 09:40

Also, I don't feel safe to leave him with our dc now. If I wasn't there to tell him to go for a walk, would he have calmed down?

They we’re play fighting and we’re told several times to stop and they refused to do so.
Would you of sat back and watch them hurt each other?

Of course he got angry because he was concerned for their safety.
Any parent acts differently if they are worried.

If he was genuinely as angry as you say he would not have just gone for a walk so passively.

I would be shocked that it was so out of character but to say you don’t trust him around your DCs is a massive over reaction.

Also I had to call the ambulance several times when I was little because my dad had beaten my mum so badly.
He rarely shouted though.
Shouting isn’t an indication of physical violence.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/12/2022 09:41

Herejustforthisone · 19/12/2022 09:22

It is only human to be pushed over the edge sometimes. No one is saying it’s fine, but we are saying it’s a human response. He left, he apologised. That’s it.

How long were your kids playfighting and ignoring him? Why were they rewarded with cartoons? With existing stress (job, expensive time of year, cost of living, yady yady yada) two kids being dicks and not listening would easily push me to my limit.

I understand you’ve some trauma associated with shouting, lots of us do, but you’re the only one giving this life now. He didn’t throw anything, he didn’t break anything, he showed no signs of physical aggression, he was pushed to his limit and has apologised. Talk it through with him, and if he’s an otherwise good man and husband, then move on.

@Herejustforthisone

this op

dont reward your kids for bad behaviour

MeridianB · 19/12/2022 09:42

I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think you’re reacting.

Could you have a chat with him about the feelings it triggered and why it’s a big deal for you? Does he know about your father’s DV?

It may also help to get some counselling if there are unresolved feelings about your childhood. 🌺

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 19/12/2022 09:42

The kids appearing to be fine doesn't make the grown man raging at them okay, no. They may have been shocked into silence, who knows?

And definitely don't make them apologise, as one person has suggested. They got carried away with a game. They're not responsible for keeping a grown man calm.

Vallmo47 · 19/12/2022 09:44

You handled the situation with your husband very well OP and I’m glad he listened and came back to apologise. I think it’s difficult to find a relationship where either party never ever loses their temper but I’m glad he’s taken on board how it came across to you and apologised. I understand it was scary for you, which you’ve pointed out to him, and hopefully it won’t happen again. Parenting is very hard work. :/ Maybe it triggered him that he told the kids to stop and they wouldn’t. That’s something I’d take away from this as well - they need to respect you both more. Seeing as their reaction was (eventually) to sit down calmly and watch TV, that is reassuring to me - they weren’t scared by their dad, meaning it hasn’t happened before with a nasty, violent outcome. They just saw it as the telling off it was and moved on. I hope you feel better about it soon ♥️

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 09:46

It's sad that not only are women on here suggesting the OP ignore her instincts, but they also are so naive as to think if kids don't look frightened, then that means they aren't. Kids can be very good at masking their fear. Don't assume they aren't frightened. Some kids are very brave for their mum and mum never knew their true feelings.

HappyBinosaur · 19/12/2022 09:46

There is no evidence at all that you dh would hurt any of you. Saying you’re scared of leaving your dc with them is a huge leap from what you described in your op.
You also need to be careful what you say in front of your dc @melonpips as you’ve said they weren’t scared after it happened but if you change the way you are with dh or stop him being alone with them, then they may become scared of him for no reason.
Your dh may have been stressed about work, tired, feeling unwell etc and the sound of children play fighting can be really bloody annoying, as can your children ignoring you telling them to stop. He lost his temper and shouted but that is all he did. He apologised and therefore I think you are overreacting based upon your childhood.

sheepdogdelight · 19/12/2022 09:47

And definitely don't make them apologise, as one person has suggested. They got carried away with a game. They're not responsible for keeping a grown man calm.

I think the suggestion for an apology was for not stopping fighting after they had been repeatedly asked to do so.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 09:48

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 19/12/2022 09:42

The kids appearing to be fine doesn't make the grown man raging at them okay, no. They may have been shocked into silence, who knows?

And definitely don't make them apologise, as one person has suggested. They got carried away with a game. They're not responsible for keeping a grown man calm.

Exactly. Just when I think this is a nice feminist site, I am shocked and horrified by the gaslighting, minimising and victim-blaming that goes on, on here. Sometimes I think I've stepped onto an MRA forum.

MsRosley · 19/12/2022 09:48

melonpips · 19/12/2022 08:08

I started this thread as I wanted to talk to anyone about what happened.

I understand a lot of you think I was overreacting. I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children. It makes me sad to think children can be subjected to a fully grown adults rage. That probably make me sound pathetic, but it's how I feel.

I don't think anyone has said it's acceptable. I think people are saying people are only human and sometimes completely lose their temper. Haven't you? I have, and I've seen my partner do it. Rage is alarming, both to the person and witness, but it is a natural human emotion.

HappyBinosaur · 19/12/2022 09:49

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

It's sad that not only are women on here suggesting the OP ignore her instincts

But it isn’t just her instincts though. It’s a trigger from the trauma of her childhood.
I have ptsd and sometimes my dh says things that make me react with fear and distrust. This isn’t because dh has done something terrible but because I’ve experienced something terrible and he’s triggered it. From the facts alone that op has given, this is what has happened in this situation.

millymog11 · 19/12/2022 09:50

I havent read the whole thread but I have skim read OP's replies
"The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum."
I take it from this that your Dad did infact go on to physically hurt your Mum?

In general I don't think you are over reacting. I do think you need to understand why after 15 years (if I have read this correctly) your partner has now done this is a way which he has never done/ done with the same effect on you before

Lastly, how old are your children?

FourTeaFallOut · 19/12/2022 09:51

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 09:48

Exactly. Just when I think this is a nice feminist site, I am shocked and horrified by the gaslighting, minimising and victim-blaming that goes on, on here. Sometimes I think I've stepped onto an MRA forum.

Show quote history

There's nothing unfeminist about affording the same opportunity for human failure and forgiveness than I would hope for myself in an incident in which he only shouted, walked away and then apologised.

Cherryblossoms85 · 19/12/2022 09:53

We're all human.

WandaWonder · 19/12/2022 09:57

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 09:46

It's sad that not only are women on here suggesting the OP ignore her instincts, but they also are so naive as to think if kids don't look frightened, then that means they aren't. Kids can be very good at masking their fear. Don't assume they aren't frightened. Some kids are very brave for their mum and mum never knew their true feelings.

Going by that kids can be equally frightened of the way women act

Do women not lose their tempers?

HappyBinosaur · 19/12/2022 09:58

@MsRosley I agree.
I have screamed at my dc twice and I felt awful afterwards.
But Neither time were they at any risk of violence. Both times I had a lot on my mind (grief/ serious illness) and they had repeatedly disobeyed or ignored me before I lost my temper. One of the times they were also making us late for something important.
I still feel bad about it but I apologised both times and I am only human. I hope they understand and see that most of the times I’ve had to tell them off or discipline them, I’ve done it differently.

ancientgran · 19/12/2022 09:59

melonpips · 19/12/2022 08:08

I started this thread as I wanted to talk to anyone about what happened.

I understand a lot of you think I was overreacting. I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children. It makes me sad to think children can be subjected to a fully grown adults rage. That probably make me sound pathetic, but it's how I feel.

Are you also concerned that your children are fighting and won't stop when told multiple times that they should? Your husband is human, maybe he was tired/feeling unwell/stressed and kids fighting triggered him.

Children should stop fighting, it is also aggression and while I think it is natural for kids to fight it is also the opportunity to teach them to control it. You say your husband told them several times so maybe they actually needed to see it wasn't going to be tolerated.

I think you need to focus on the fact that this isn't your dad, he calmed down, he apologised and I think after 15 years he deserves a bit of trust.

Hellybelly84 · 19/12/2022 09:59

My Husband is so relaxed and calm, but very (and I stress very!) occasionally the kids can push him and he will shout like I really wouldn’t expect him to. He’s human and sometimes gets pushed to the limit. I think you are probably upset by this (understandably) because of your childhood. You need to remember your Husband is not your Dad and occasionally losing it (by shouting) is something that most of us do. If its very out of character, is there something else stressing him out at the moment too - job stress/money? But personally I dont know any parent that doesn’t occasionally lose it!

saraclara · 19/12/2022 10:04

This thread is awful. Full on victim blaming and gaslighting.

Yes. If OP is as damaged by trauma and unable to read normal anger as 99% of responders seem to think, why has this never raised its head before?

OP had said that he's got angry and shouted before, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT.

So basically, admit to any trauma on your part, and your partner can be as abusive as he likes, and no-one will believe you. You're just "being triggered" or "having flashbacks".

While the partner seems to have pulled himself together and apologised, I'm still hugely shocked at the vast majority of people here telling OP that she didn't see what she saw.
It's appalling and absolutely the opposite of what I'd expect here.