Page 10 | Last night dp lost his temper

melonpips · 2022-12-19T06:49:13+00:00

And it scared me. We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him. I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking. When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me. I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier. I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have. Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

Liveafr · 19/12/2022 10:31

Well I saw my dad beat up my mum the first time when I was 12. Before that he had never shown any signs of being violent, though my parents often had toxic fights. Actually it was more often my mum who was agressive and him who was laid-back, even meek. Maybe too much. I can't comment on the situation described by the op, as it is difficult to evaluate from an outside perspective. However, saying that just because a man has never been violent in 15 years, his rage is not concerning is untrue. If a man has never been violent in 15 years, the probability that he becomes violent is very low, but not zero.

HotChoxs · 19/12/2022 10:32

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2022 10:27

Just because OP has had trauma in the past doesn't mean that her response is an overreaction. It sounds like what OP needs is to understand and validate her emotional boundaries, not to be told that she's wrong and to focus on helping her husband. So maybe therapy might be helpful for OP, but not together with her husband. She doesn't need to have to justify herself to her husband after he raged at her and terrified her. She may need someone to listen and reassure her that she has the right to safety and trust in her relationship and help her work out whether she will be able to trust her husband in the future.

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This is a very defensive line to take. I haven't said she's overreacted nor that she's needs to justify herself.

Who said they would go together so that she can justify herself to him? I would have thought they would go together to understand each other. You can't just tell someone to go to get help when you don't know whether they need it or not.

I am not taking a stance either way based on limited information - you are.

Kanaloa · 19/12/2022 10:32

@FourTeaFallOut

I was responding to a poster who suggested this would teach the children not to play fight and would teach them what was acceptable etc.

Hadjab · 19/12/2022 10:33

melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:32

I thought i did too. So can you imagine my disappointment when I see he can be Mr Angry, after 15 years!

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Kindly, FFS! He's blown up once in 15 years. He isn't Mr Angry, he's Mr Human. I witnessed DV as a child. I've also witnessed my husband get angry at our kids once or twice, when pushed to the absolute limit. As an adult, you need to get your head around the fact that your husband is not your father.

C1N1C · 19/12/2022 10:33

So far we have a man 'exploding' in anger for the first time in 15 years. He knew he was wrong and apologised and this has triggered some old memories and anxieties. We all understand, but while not nice everyone has a breaking point and he finally reached i, but nothing came of it. He apologised.

The fact that you keep repeating yourself suggests you want validation for feeling there's more to it etc. I think this is just a try to get over it thing, nothing sinister. MN would be the first place to go to confirm whether a man is a monster and he really doesn't appear to be... unless you're looking for reasons to leave?

Kanaloa · 19/12/2022 10:33

ancientgran · 19/12/2022 10:19

I think that is true of children who are frequently screamed at. For children who don't get screamed at I think it is likely to be quite effective as a one off, demonstrated by the fact they then sat down and watched cartoons.

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No, it isn’t. They sat down and watched cartoons but they have not learned anything of value from being screamed and raged at. It is of not effective at teaching appropriate behaviours.

7eleven · 19/12/2022 10:36

To be fair, the OP asked in her first post if people thought she was ‘over’ reacting due to her past trauma. The possibility obviously occurred to her as she raised it.

Several people have replied that yes, she could have overreacted.

OP objects to this (why do people ask questions if they only have one acceptable response?)

Oswin · 19/12/2022 10:36

Merida46 · 19/12/2022 10:22

You are overreacting. You told your kids multiple times to behave and they ignored you. Glad your partner stepped in and brought the brats under control.🙄

Fucking hell. The shit some people come out with.
Also why the fuck do posters keep talking about him shouting. He didnt shout. He screamed.

WB205020 · 19/12/2022 10:37

I worry for your kids. Not because of your husband shouting at them but because your idea of punishment is to let them get away with not listening to instructions, continuing to misbehave and then get rewarded with cuddles and cartoons.

Your DH did nothing wrong. He shouted at this kids and lost his temper and millions and millions of other parents have done. Myself included.....my parents did the same to me and I turned out ok.

Your mother and fathers relationship is irrelevant here. If you have issues from that you need to see someone but projecting your issues to your DH doesn't make his actions wrong if makes your wrong.

Saying you are upset people don't agree with you doesn't make you right.....it still makes your wrong people are just telling you so much so listen to them, apologies to your DH because you were wrong and move forward. Perhaps talk to DH and see if he is ok if this was a 1 off in 15 years. Be an adult, a partner and a parent.

AssumingDirectControl · 19/12/2022 10:37

TheOrigRights · 19/12/2022 10:26

...and on another thread someone explained that if you feel the threat of hurt (whether intended or not) by someone, it is common assault.

For the offence of common assault there has to be intent or recklessness - I.e. not caring about the impact of any behaviour. It isn’t helping to try to frame any internal feeling of threat as an offence caused by another. Though I know plenty of people do this nowadays…

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2022 10:39

HotChoxs · 19/12/2022 10:32

This is a very defensive line to take. I haven't said she's overreacted nor that she's needs to justify herself.

Who said they would go together so that she can justify herself to him? I would have thought they would go together to understand each other. You can't just tell someone to go to get help when you don't know whether they need it or not.

I am not taking a stance either way based on limited information - you are.

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Apologies - there's a lot of victim blaming and gaslighting on this thread. Didn't mean to lump you in.

I don't think therapy together right now is a good idea because the risk is that it becomes marriage therapy and OP ends up having to justify her reaction to her husband. Husband needs therapy specifically to understand why he behaved as he did and be able to rebuild trust. He needs that space to be able to figure it out and OP can't help him with that. OP may want separate therapy to be able to understand her own reaction (not overreaction) and whether she is able to trust her husband again.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/12/2022 10:40

All these people outraged that the DH lost his temper

do YOU never lose your temper?

anger is a normal human emotion

we don’t really wanna teach kids that anger has to be suppressed all the time. It’s not healthy. OP’s husband lost his temper and then he modelled to his kids however to regulate and calm down.
Kids got to see that dad is human and how to regulate big emotions
job well done I’d say.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 10:40

WB205020 · 19/12/2022 10:37

I worry for your kids. Not because of your husband shouting at them but because your idea of punishment is to let them get away with not listening to instructions, continuing to misbehave and then get rewarded with cuddles and cartoons.

Your DH did nothing wrong. He shouted at this kids and lost his temper and millions and millions of other parents have done. Myself included.....my parents did the same to me and I turned out ok.

Your mother and fathers relationship is irrelevant here. If you have issues from that you need to see someone but projecting your issues to your DH doesn't make his actions wrong if makes your wrong.

Saying you are upset people don't agree with you doesn't make you right.....it still makes your wrong people are just telling you so much so listen to them, apologies to your DH because you were wrong and move forward. Perhaps talk to DH and see if he is ok if this was a 1 off in 15 years. Be an adult, a partner and a parent.

@WB205020 OP has nothing at all to apologise for! You forgot or didn't read that he looked at OP like he was going to hurt her. He is the only one that should be apologising, not the victim!

AlwaysFullOfQuestions22 · 19/12/2022 10:42

I think your upbringing has made you more wary.
He is human.
I think you're over reacting.

Had he of raised his hand to them that would be a different scenario.

I hope your dcs have had their punishment

7eleven · 19/12/2022 10:42

AssumingDirectControl · 19/12/2022 10:37

For the offence of common assault there has to be intent or recklessness - I.e. not caring about the impact of any behaviour. It isn’t helping to try to frame any internal feeling of threat as an offence caused by another. Though I know plenty of people do this nowadays…

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Quite. Nobody is suggesting the father gets a parent of the year award and we believe that OP felt scared, but to suggest he might be guilty of ‘common assault’ is not only deranged, but incredibly dangerous to people what have really been assaulted.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 10:42

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/12/2022 10:40

All these people outraged that the DH lost his temper

do YOU never lose your temper?

anger is a normal human emotion

we don’t really wanna teach kids that anger has to be suppressed all the time. It’s not healthy. OP’s husband lost his temper and then he modelled to his kids however to regulate and calm down.
Kids got to see that dad is human and how to regulate big emotions
job well done I’d say.

This is clearly about a lot more than just mere losing their temper! OP herself felt threatened personally by him. It's not just about the kids. He has lost his temper before according to OP but this time was very different.

This is not about a mere losing of your temper.

TulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2022 10:43

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 19/12/2022 09:42

The kids appearing to be fine doesn't make the grown man raging at them okay, no. They may have been shocked into silence, who knows?

And definitely don't make them apologise, as one person has suggested. They got carried away with a game. They're not responsible for keeping a grown man calm.

No one is saying it’s okay, the point is he might not have been raging or at least to the extent OP seems to think he was and her perception is off because of past trauma. Considering OP’s reaction & subsequent thought process (feeling it’s not safe for the kids to be left alone with him now) I’m sure she would have said if the children were even minutely affected by it but in fact she says the complete opposite. There’s literally only one sentence about the children to say they were unaffected & the rest is about her reaction. It’s hard to reconcile that the same behaviour that left a grown woman terrified, shaking and in fear of violence also left her children unaffected; especially as it was out of the norm behaviour and therefore it’s not like they are desensitised etc. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that OP’s past is triggering her and advising she consider this before blowing up her marriage is not necessary a bad thing.

AssumingDirectControl · 19/12/2022 10:45

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 10:40

@WB205020 OP has nothing at all to apologise for! You forgot or didn't read that he looked at OP like he was going to hurt her. He is the only one that should be apologising, not the victim!

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I agree OP doesn’t need to apologise, but neither is she “the victim”. Her husband has rightly apologised. He lost his shit with the kids, big time. First time in 15 years. It happens. It’s not OK, but it happens, and he’s dealt with it. Maybe there’s some other stuff going on for him, maybe he just got pushed over the edge by the kids misbehaving. It isn’t helpful to frame this as an abusive man and OP and the children being victims.

7eleven · 19/12/2022 10:46

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 19/12/2022 10:42

This is clearly about a lot more than just mere losing their temper! OP herself felt threatened personally by him. It's not just about the kids. He has lost his temper before according to OP but this time was very different.

This is not about a mere losing of your temper.

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Actually I don’t think it is clear. What did he do OP? Kick a hole in a door? Raise his fist? Lunge at anyone? Throw something?

From what you said, you’re basing this on his facial expression.

By the way, I knew DV as a child. I’m not saying how you felt wasn’t real, more that it may be a bit ‘extra’.

Octo5 · 19/12/2022 10:47

OP what do you think should happen now?

You say you can’t trust him around the DCs so does that mean you are going to separate?

You cannot stop them from seeing their dad so that means he’d need supervised access.

I’m not invalidating your feelings as I know what it’s like growing up in a DV home and would never subject my DC to that.
But I think that saying you can’t trust him around his own kids when it sounds like he’s been a perfect parent up until now, is extremely unfair and over reacting.

ohlookout · 19/12/2022 10:48

I think your husband needs your support rather than you're judgement

Kanaloa · 19/12/2022 10:48

WB205020 · 19/12/2022 10:37

I worry for your kids. Not because of your husband shouting at them but because your idea of punishment is to let them get away with not listening to instructions, continuing to misbehave and then get rewarded with cuddles and cartoons.

Your DH did nothing wrong. He shouted at this kids and lost his temper and millions and millions of other parents have done. Myself included.....my parents did the same to me and I turned out ok.

Your mother and fathers relationship is irrelevant here. If you have issues from that you need to see someone but projecting your issues to your DH doesn't make his actions wrong if makes your wrong.

Saying you are upset people don't agree with you doesn't make you right.....it still makes your wrong people are just telling you so much so listen to them, apologies to your DH because you were wrong and move forward. Perhaps talk to DH and see if he is ok if this was a 1 off in 15 years. Be an adult, a partner and a parent.

Ok well in that case kids did nothing wrong. They got over excited and play fought each other… millions and millions of other kids do it every day. I did the same my siblings and we turned out fine.

Honestly, how can you type this nonsense out? It’s like the horrible threads on here when parents smack their kids - ridiculous double standards. A child lashing out and hitting is a misbehaving brat who needs to be punished. The adult who does the same did nothing wrong and just lost their cool and it won’t do any harm.

mewkins · 19/12/2022 10:49

melonpips · 19/12/2022 08:24

Thank you for understanding. It is the fact it was out of character that has worried me. It's making me think what else might he do?

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I think your mind has let this incident spiral. You thought you could predict exactly what your dh would do in any given situation but now he has shown that he actually has his own mind and his own reactions.

And now you think he is capable of anything and everything. But nothing has actually changed because any human is capable of anything. You just didn't recognise that before.

Unpredictability in life is scary but inevitable.

Your dh handled it ok with you there and would most likely have handled it fine without you there too.

HotChoxs · 19/12/2022 10:51

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2022 10:39

Apologies - there's a lot of victim blaming and gaslighting on this thread. Didn't mean to lump you in.

I don't think therapy together right now is a good idea because the risk is that it becomes marriage therapy and OP ends up having to justify her reaction to her husband. Husband needs therapy specifically to understand why he behaved as he did and be able to rebuild trust. He needs that space to be able to figure it out and OP can't help him with that. OP may want separate therapy to be able to understand her own reaction (not overreaction) and whether she is able to trust her husband again.

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I sort of agree, I think it would be helpful for the OP to go to therapy to figure out what's going on and then if necessary suggests her husband gets help.

I find that trauma is a complicated thing. To hang onto the fact it was different or that he was red in the face or that the OP felt scared is not actually much to go on as none of us were there. I can feel unsafe in myself when I'm safe just reacting to certain things.

This doesn't mean that the OP is overreacting just that I don't know either way and neither does the OP so she needs to figure it out.

MsRosley · 19/12/2022 10:51

Kanaloa · 19/12/2022 10:33

No, it isn’t. They sat down and watched cartoons but they have not learned anything of value from being screamed and raged at. It is of not effective at teaching appropriate behaviours.

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I don't think that's true. Learning that your behaviour can push someone to their limits is not a bad lesson at all.