Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

All men have 'literally never been violent' at one point. There is always the first time.

And this was not that time, because he was not violent nor did he make any movement to be violent.

By her posts, this was different. I am sure she knows what he looks like when he's angry. She said, - and I choose to believe her - that he looked like he was going to hurt her.

She does not know what he looks like when he is going to hurt her because he has never hurt her. She is jumping to conclusions

Do you suggest you know him and his intentions better than her? That she doesn't know her own partner? That women should just ignore their instincts because he hasn't (yet) hurt her before? You realise that telling women they are 'jumping to conclusions' when it comes to possible domestic violence is dangerous?

No I don't know him, all I know is that there is zero evidence here he was going to be violent. I would be saying differently if there was the slightest hint but there wasn't, and plenty of evidence of OP being hypersensitive to the issue. Please don't be patronising, you're not the only person with any understanding of domestic violence. That does not change the fact that there was no evidence of "possible domestic violence" in this case,

That's internally generated.

She was frightened. There was a REASON she was frightened. And had never been before. Please lets not tell women they are imagining things and over-reacting.

It's likely that she was frightened in part due to childhood experiences. And not entirely because of the situation in front of her. Or maybe her DH genuinely was about to hit her. The point to cling on to is that he didn't. I think a lot of people lose their temper and feel like they could hit someone. Most of them don't. Having the self control to stop yourself is the key point.

If OP genuinely now doesn't feel safe, she should absolutely leave him. But she would be leaving a 15 year relationship based on a feeling. I'd suggest working through how she feels with her husband, and p a counsellor would be more productive than simply walking out.

By her posts, this was different. I am sure she knows what he looks like when he's angry. She said, - and I choose to believe her - that he looked like he was going to hurt her.

i believe that that is what she thought. I also believe that she was probably wrong thinking this - she can't read his mind. Maybe he was really cross at her and lost his rag because she undermined him by not saying "c'mon now boys,listen to your father"

my brothers used to fight all the time. It usually started as a play fight, and 50% of the time ended with one of them bleeding either because they fell on something or one caught the other in the eye or lip. And If either of our parents were there and had said at any point "stop fighting" and they didn't? they would have been patched up and both got a punishment for not doing what they were told. Children must learn to do what they are told when they are misbehaving because there may be that one time they're doing something really dangerous and don't listen. There are avoidable natural consequences then.

So, OP, not only do your DCs need to apologise to their dad, they need to understand that there will be escalating and age appropriate consequences for bad behaviour. And you and your DP need to be on the same page.

And yes, you may want to talk to him about your feelings on this in a non-accusatory way, when you are both calm. And find out if something triggered it. I'm guessing he knows about your triggers because he acted correctly on this occasion (after his outburst). Do you know what his triggers are?

👏👏👏👏

I think if you've been together 15 years and this is the first time you've seen him lose his temper then he's a pretty good bloke.
I get it's scary in the moment but unless it's a regular thing then it's not bad. He even accepted your suggestion of going for a walk to calm down. Rather than blowing up even more.

She felt like he might - so there was a sign.

That's not a sign, that's one person's interpretation of an angry facial expression. Lunging towards them or punching the wall might be a sign. Looking angry and shouting at a child who was misbehaving is not a sign.

Get a grip, teach your children to bloody listen then instead of rewarding them and Molly coddling them. If you feel like this it's you who needs to seek help, it seems like you are intentionally dramatising an isolated incident to vindicate him.

YABU. You are projecting your own issues here.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

I think your projecting you own issues onto what happed to the Op

I think you've just minimised it again, right there. Trauma is an explanation but not a reason. She clearly saw something different in him that she never saw before, even though she's seen him angry before. Perhaps the trauma thought was a warning, and a reminder to her. An instinct that she should listen to. It's easy to write it off as 'oh she's just traumatised so she's over-reacting that's all'. That trauma had also serve as a warning, which it appeared to do here.

It is only human to be pushed over the edge sometimes. No one is saying it’s fine, but we are saying it’s a human response. He left, he apologised. That’s it.

How long were your kids playfighting and ignoring him? Why were they rewarded with cartoons? With existing stress (job, expensive time of year, cost of living, yady yady yada) two kids being dicks and not listening would easily push me to my limit.

I understand you’ve some trauma associated with shouting, lots of us do, but you’re the only one giving this life now. He didn’t throw anything, he didn’t break anything, he showed no signs of physical aggression, he was pushed to his limit and has apologised. Talk it through with him, and if he’s an otherwise good man and husband, then move on.

Very gently, OP, although I think you are overreacting the details about your own parents are important. I think this may have triggered something very deep-seated from your own childhood. Have you ever talked to anyone about what you witnessed as a child?

OP, speaking as someone who also grew up in DV, I can understand how this affected you and how you are on hyper alert but your DH did the right thing, he didn't hurt any one, he calmed down and apologised for shouting. I can understand how you were triggered by this and by all means talk it through but keep in mind your dad and your DH are two separate people. Sending love, growing up in DV is horrific and the effects it has on the children are often overlooked!

Hi. Sorry you feel uncomfortable. Im not perfect and have raged. Not physically hurt but probably mentally hurt. If my dp didnt forgive me and love me, i would be divorced. Reality is people are not one level emotion and i am not sure its fair to pretend otherwise. Children grow up not coping with real life if they dont learn to cope with emotions and feelings. Im not saying its ok to rage but to be able to express yourself is necessary, safely.

Personally, i think you are using his normal human feelings to punish him instead of dealing with your parents. Or even to use him to allow your worries legitimacy. I kinda feel sorry for your husband. If you love him, truly LOVE him, work through his feelings and emotions - don't punish him for expressing himself (badly) but look at a way forward for both of you. men struggle to express themselves and just maybe you might be overcompensating your need for calm at the expense of parenting correctly. I am so surprised you rewarded your children for their bad behaviour that started this. Im also surprised you didnt intercede to stop their fighting but it sounds like you stood by and let it happen.....

No, that is going too far. You are inventing abuse, which is as bad as others going the other way.

I've seen domestic abuse first hand (not towards me) and have read a lot on the subject. I'm also quick to call out abuse on here. No way could anyone call this situation abusive on what the op has told us.

The op appears invested in seeing this as abuse. I'm sure if there was the slightest indication of abusive behaviour she would have shared it by now.

I don’t think a lot of people are understanding what you mean, he didn’t just lose his temper like “everyone does”.
There are different levels of losing your temper and it sounds like he flipped and went into a zone that was aggressive and it scared you.
Im not sure of the answer as he could be stressed about other things which has led to this but you don’t want to be treading on egg shells.

Maybe you should go and see someone over your childhood trauma. Definitely an over reaction

Yes you are overreacting. We do all loose our tempers sometimes.

But you feel how you feel - it’s brought up childhood stuff for you. Your kids clearly didn’t feel like that so you don’t need to worry about that. It’s worth explaining to him what it triggered for you, in a non-accusatory way.

I strongly agree and I'm astonished at the initial replies.

An adult man losing control and showing actual rage is frightening, especially for children.

And why is HIS rage okay and normal and understandable, but children play-fighting to be punished? All this "Never mind poor furious grown man, why are you rewarding your kids instead of punishing them?!"

It's completely backwards. Mind you, I've seen before that there's a section of MN users who do love to excuse adults losing their shit at children, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised

OP, I think your instincts are absolutely valid here.

I understand, I get triggered by my DH swearing. Because in my only other long term relationship, that used to mean something was about to get broken, holes were made in doors or threats of violence were made, or I was punished in some other way. I left the first time it did become violent. My DH doesn’t really understand the ins and outs of my past relationship and he definitely thinks I’m over reacting sometimes but we have talked about why it upsets me and he definitely does it less now but sometimes it happens. Have you thought about therapy for your traumatic childhood? It’s definitely something that helped me.

Possibly, but the OP is having a very strong reaction to this because of her childhood, as she has explained.

If he’s never done this before (ie she isn’t used to it), and the kids weren’t upset, it’s possible it was a pretty standard burst of rage.

I think you managed this better than you think.
You were able to analyse the situation, were terrified yet still able to tell your dh to go out for a walk to calm down.
And he did. He didn't hurt anyone despite your fear. He obliged and came back and apologised.

I think you are overreacting.

I also think there's nothing wrong with your dcs watching cartoons. It gave everyone a chance to wind down.

An adult man losing control and showing actual rage is frightening, especially for children.

And yet the children "didn't seem to be upset or scared". If OP had said that they were terrified and clinging to her in tears, there would have been different answers here.

I was totally with you until you said ‘men struggle to express themselves’ - no they don’t. The world is largely set up for the benefit of men, led by men and written by men. They have no problem expressing themselves. SOME Neanderthal men choose to communicate by by knuckle dragging and violence but that’s a choice, not an innate trait of their biological sex.