Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

OK thanks. I had been questioning my own behaviour based on another thread so have been looking at this.

@AssumingDirectControl

feeling threatened is not assault

can you imagine ?! Lol. People would be getting convicted here there and everywhere.

that man looked at me on the bus and I felt threatened! Police, charge them with assault!

Well I agree with most posters really. It doesn't sound like this time was actually any different to any previous time that he shouted at your children when they were misbehaving, they stopped, he calmed down. The only difference seems to be in what you think you saw. His expression seemed different to you and you've jumped from that to him being like someone else, and a danger to you and the kids. You don't seem to have any evidence that he was or has ever been a danger to you or the kids, except for a change in his expression. And your kids didn't feel unsafe or scared (from your description). I think it would be worth exploring counselling for yourself to help with some of the issues that your childhood experiences have left with you. Your husband is not the same as your dad.

This. I think it’s from stupidity rather than malice.

So you're saying we're all stupid not to realise he stood up and made a loud, high pitched, continuous scream in their faces? Because otherwise, what he did was shout.

I'm not denying that he did this or underestimating how loudly he may have shouted. I don't believe there is any volume of shouting - as a one off that involved no physical movements towards violence and no personalised attacks (and including the fact that he may have shouted in a less extreme way in the past as well) - merits a "can't trust them around the kids anymore" response.

He got angry (all humans do this at some point I assume), went for a walk, calmed down, and apologised. It's really no big deal. Noone was harmed. Either accept it and move on, or leave.

In 15 years this is the first he's lost his temper. And yes he shouted, but he made no moves to hurt you or the kids. He didn't make a move to be aggressive to any inanimate objects like kicking furniture or punching a wall. He went out and took a walk when asked and he apologised. That doesn't sound out of control or dangerous to me.

Look, you have trauma surrounding this. Understandably. But he seems like a decent bloke who was at the end of his tether today with their behaviour. If he starts doing it more regularly then it's a problem, but as a one off I wouldn't be concerned.

He lost it, it's not ideal but when you said he needed to go for a walk he did exactly that and then came back and apologised to you all. He didn't tell you fuck off and push you out the way and storm off upstairs punching a hole in the wall on the way.

I think you are projecting your fear of violence from your childhood onto this situation. Seeing him lose it brought it all back to you.

You need to keep talking, tell him you feel you've lost trust in him because of how angry he got and you need time to build that back up.

You also both need to look at your children's behaviour and how you handle it. Keep them occupied to prevent them getting board, lots of exercise to stop them getting too hyper, lot of fresh air, lots of stories and games. You need sensible boundaries and consequences for them and to work together as a team on it.

Feeling threatened isn’t enough to constitute an offence

Yes it is - there’s an offence of “Threatening Behaviour” under public order offences.

Feeling threatened does not mean someone is displaying threatening behaviour.

“To be convicted of this offence, the guilty party must intend to cause harassment, alarm or distress to another person.”

So, again, feeling threatened isn’t enough to constitute an offence. For this specific offence, there must be intent on the behalf of the offender.

Only you were there OP and only you can know if your reaction was extreme or if you really saw something dangerous in him. But from the facts, I'd say things are pretty positive.

Him losing his temper, shouting and frightening you is of course not good. But:

1. He stopped shouting when you told him to, he left the house when you told him to. An abusive man would more likely double down, shout louder, throw his weight around and refuse to accept his behaviour wasn't OK. Even in his anger, he was able to control himself and chose to respect you and your wishes.

2. When you told him you were frightened of him, he didn't invalidate that feeling, tell you you were overreacting, take offense. He apologised and offered reassurance. That is huge. Even a garden-variety non-abusive man (indeed a garden variety person) would often be defensivew and offended by their partner saying they frightened them. He listened. He accepted. He apologised. All really promising behaviours.

3. It doesn't sound like your children were scared, even after the explosion - certainly not as scared as you were. This speaks to a deep level of comfort with their dad, a real strong belief that no matter how angry he is he would never hurt them - this is precisely the belief all children are entitled to and that your abusive parent denied you, which is possibly playing into why this incident has unsettled you so much. It seems like your kids are displaying the benefit of a much more secure, safe and loving home. That is a triumph.

Try and weight these positives in the balance. That doesn't mean you have to dismiss your feelings, or lower your standards of what you will accept for your children - you should have high standards for that, for both of your behaviour, that isn't precious or unhealthy, it's good parenting. But try not to let perfect be the enemy of good, or imagine this flash of anger is your husband's 'true' self he's been 'hiding' all these years. His behaviours after the explosion are NOT the behaviours of an abusive husband or father.

Does he know about your abusive background? Maybe you could talk to him in private at some point, explain how the incident brought back these memories and fears, reiterate your standards that your children should never have to witness that sort of anger, and ask him what it was about the situation that set him off and what you both can do to try and either ensure it doesn't happen again or deal with it appropriately if it does (i.e. he leaves the room if he feels like he's going to explode, you each take a hand to physically sperate the children if they are fighting and won't stop when told, etc).

Do acknowledge that his behaviour AFTER the explosion was exactly what you needed and give him credit for that.

I'm sorry you've been so upset. I am extremely conflict averse and hate shouting so I know how you feel. It is not unreasonable for you to state your needs to your DH for a calm, peaceful partner and coparent.

@Mirabai

ok

op should go the police then

People who are not emotionally repressed would have expressed their annoyance or anger at a much earlier stage.
It sounds to me that the husband is emotionally repressed and wasn't able to express his anger when it was appropriate and wasn't able to express it at an appropriate scale.
Instead it built up and when he did express it, it was an explosive, apoplectic rage which terrified the OP and probably the children.

In 15 years this is the first he's lost his temper.

It’s not if you read OP’s posts - he’s lost his temper and shouted before, it’s just that this is the first time that she felt he might hurt her.

After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop.

Admittedly I've not read all replies only your one's OP.
What we're you doing while the DC were playing fighting and ignoring your DP request, did you also ask them to stop?

While you don't think it's right for your DP to raise his voice it's equally not right for the DC to continue to ignore a simple request to stop fighting.

I think most adults have had a moment when they've raised their voice with their DC as you say your DP has on numerous occasions but TBF if they are ignoring him everytime maybe he's of the thinking they can't hear him if using a gentle voice.

At your request in stead of turning on you he did infact go out for a walk then came back and apologised to all.
That doesn't sound like a violent man maybe just one at the end of his tether at being ignored.

Disturbing how many commenters overlook that it doesn't matter if this was a one off or not; if OP feels unsafe, it will affect her marriage, her interactions with DH, and eventually her children because children are smart and they will eventually sense something is off between the parents.

First, make sure you have a safety plan in place, somewhere you can go and/or someone you can call. Just having one will help with peace of mind. If you don't have friends/family who won't understand, that may have to be a hotel. Peace of mind is not just about physical safety; it's about finding a quiet place where you can process your own thoughts and emotions without interference, even from people who may mean well but may end up making the situation worse.

It does seem unusual that this is the first time in fifteen years of marriage that DH acted that way. Is he under any added stress lately? Does your husband know about your family and trauma history? Do you feel comfortable talking to him about it in relation to your feelings? "I told you about my family history. Well, the other day, I felt as scared as I did growing up. I want to know if you are okay. I want us to be able to talk about things so it never gets to that point where you are so upset and I am scared."

Lastly, don't ask for advice from people who've never experienced family or domestic violence. Getting gaslit by them is not going to help your state of mind, which has been triggered and needs time and space to reset. If there is no one in your life you can confide in, seek a trauma counselor who can help you look at the facts objectively and help you re-center yourself.

Unless he shouted by mistake then it was intentional.

But this isn’t about whether he would be convicted, he’s not even being reported - it’s simply about whether behaving in a threatening way, as opposed to actually hitting someone, is an offence - it is.

OP what is your parenting like? Is he always the one that has to be the bad guy?

Do you have permissive Vs authoritarian roles as parents? If so it would do you both good to change that up.

Parenting with a permissive parent is as hard as parenting with an authoritarian parent. If not harder.

Apologies if it's already been asked but what was his childhood like?

I lost my temper in a similar way to what you describe with my children once. Ds was doing something to dd which triggered my ptsd (innocent behaviour with hindsight and therapy but I saw it as something else), I asked him to stop two or three times and he didn't. I shouted/screamed. He stopped and I went away, planning on it being permanent because I felt my level of rage aimed at a 6 year old was terrifying. I misinterpreted the situation through a lens of my past and needed to protect dd because no one protected me.

Dh whilst understanding my issue found it difficult because of his own childhood with a father capable of extreme anger. One psychiatrist said to me that parenthood often brings back all the ghosts from the nursery, the demons from our own childhood. I hate physical affection between my children because it makes me very uncomfortable. Dh hates ds fighting with dd because as the youngest, he remembers being the smallest/weakest. We've both had to work hard on being honest about our trigger points and our childhoods/pasts in general so that we can support each other.

Your post doesn't tell us enough to make a call either way. If you can pick out the why (boy hurting girl, older child hurting younger, a specific type of fighting, being ignored/laughed at as examples) it might lead your dp to identify what caused him to behave differently on this particular occasion to prevent it happening again. I'd also suggest therapy for you. I had no idea just how much my childhood screwed me up until I ended up in front of a psychiatrist and then a psychologist. Turns out your parents fighting to the point of blood being all over the floor is not normal. That said in my experience, once you are genuinely afraid of someone, that's the relationship over.

Shouting at your kids is now assault?

Totally agree with this.

Offences under sections 4, 4A or 5 of the Public Order Act cannot be committed where both parties are inside a dwelling.

@melonpips
You've had a type of flashback from your childhood. The fear and shaking is very real and terrifying.

Your husband has reminded you of your Father's rage and behaviour.

He's evoked memories that you thought were gone,but the damage adults do to children are always there.

All the people on this thread saying you're overreacting, ignore them.

Remember your husband is not your Father.. .I hope you can work through it.

Fair enough but harassment can.

@Mirabai

op has not been harassed by her DH