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Elderly grandparent becoming vindictive

129 replies

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:17

My grandmother is 94 years old. She has all her faculties and is very independent. She lives in an annex attached to my parents house, with her own kitchen and bathroom, lounge and bedroom. She drives and does her own shopping.

During the summer, my grandmother potters around the garden with (or without) my dad (her son). They grow plants, tend to the fruit trees and she’s happy as Larry.

During these winter months though, she can’t get out quite so much. My dad works full time but will pop in for a few hours every day or every other day. My mum works full time and does a lot of over time, so doesn’t tend to see anyone very often (myself included).

My grandmother becomes quite disgruntled during the winter months at the lack of visitors. Apart from my dad, she has about 2-3 visits per week from other family e.g. me. But clearly she thinks visits should be a daily occurrence and perhaps they should be…but we all work.

Anyway, she took herself to see her Gp last week and told him that ‘her family hates her because no one visits her’. Now the Gp has called social services. She was relaying this to us earlier, at one of her non existent visits. She was complaining to us that no one bothers with her, even though my dad was there for two hours yesterday.

I think her biggest bugbear is my mother. It’s true that mum only sees her perhaps once a month, but as I mentioned earlier, my mum leaves for work at 7am, gets home from work around 7pm and works as many as 6 days a week. No one sees her. She does however pick my grandmother up bits and bobs after work e.g. M&S food and sends it down via dad.

I love my grandmother to bits, but I’m feeling so cross with her, that she could be so ungrateful and so spiteful telling the GP we must hate her. I am trying to be patient, but I’m sat there listening to her say how no one visits, whilst I’m sat there visiting.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 04/12/2022 17:20

There seem to be so many threads like this lately. You need to explain to her how it is now. Women aren’t housewives who have no timetabled appointments and can just pop over to see a relative at will.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/12/2022 17:23

She was lucky to see a GP for something like this, round our way you have to have blood pouring out of some orifice. Likewise Social Services…..are you sure it was just not being visited? And not allegations of abuse?

however fit your Gran may seem, she is at an age when mental abilities do deteriorate, and paranoia or a inadequate grasp of reality, can be a symptom.

Blondlashes · 04/12/2022 17:26

Could you keep a record of visits in a table
Day. Time in/time out and name.
Ask the visitors to complete this - it could even be online as a Google doc
Then you can show it to social Services and your Grandma.
is there a day center she could go to? Or there is befriending services from Red Cross and Age Uk and local charities.
Also you sound like a kind caring family. Lots of elderly people would wish they had so many visits from family members.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:27

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/12/2022 17:23

She was lucky to see a GP for something like this, round our way you have to have blood pouring out of some orifice. Likewise Social Services…..are you sure it was just not being visited? And not allegations of abuse?

however fit your Gran may seem, she is at an age when mental abilities do deteriorate, and paranoia or a inadequate grasp of reality, can be a symptom.

To be honest I’m not really sure what she said. She just matter of fact told me that she’s told the GP her family hate her and never visit despite the fact she’s right there in an annex and he said that it was “despicable”.

Perhaps that in itself is the start of dementia or something then. I hadn’t thought of that. She’s much loved and we’ve always enjoyed her company. She is extremely clever and switched on, so dementia hadn’t really crossed my mind.

OP posts:
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:29

Blondlashes · 04/12/2022 17:26

Could you keep a record of visits in a table
Day. Time in/time out and name.
Ask the visitors to complete this - it could even be online as a Google doc
Then you can show it to social Services and your Grandma.
is there a day center she could go to? Or there is befriending services from Red Cross and Age Uk and local charities.
Also you sound like a kind caring family. Lots of elderly people would wish they had so many visits from family members.

That’s a good shout. We certainly could keep a visitors book.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/12/2022 17:33

Personally I'd call her bluff. As she's obviously not happy there's maybe its time she went into sheltered accomodation where she'll have as much company as she needs.

Footballmyarse · 04/12/2022 17:33

In my (awful) experience, social services don’t give a shit if someone is in need of actual help and are in distress.

The won’t give a monkeys that someone has said they aren’t getting enough visitors, they wont be remotely interested in that.

Dh grandmother is like this. 97. Only, she’s been such a cow to PIL for the last 40 odd years she is very lucky that they still visit at all.

People do get difficult and more demanding as they age, I have worked in care a long time. The tales I have heard about terrible families who do nothing and don’t care - when actually, they visit very regularly.

FuckMyLife2022 · 04/12/2022 17:33

I’d get a Ring doorbell and keep all the footage to show how often people go/how long they stay for. That can’t be argued with in the same way a written log can be.

domesticslattern · 04/12/2022 17:33

Erm, do you really think it is true that the GP said it was "despicable"? Does that sound likely?

BMW6 · 04/12/2022 17:35

Tell her how you feel. Most people would be thrilled with 2 or 3 visits a week - I'd find it too much tbh!

She getting in a strop because its dark and cold and can't do gardening, I get that, but she's taking it out on people and that's not on.

As for contacting SS, when so many people really DO need help I'd be furious with her.

The way she's acting out people will visit less as she's being nasty, selfish and frankly bloody ridiculous. Tell her to save herself from more isolation.

Footballmyarse · 04/12/2022 17:35

FuckMyLife2022 · 04/12/2022 17:33

I’d get a Ring doorbell and keep all the footage to show how often people go/how long they stay for. That can’t be argued with in the same way a written log can be.

No one will have to “prove” anything to anyone? What do you think would happen even if no one popped in for a year - they would get arrested for not visiting? No one will care.

I doubt the GP said anything of the sort.

DorritLittle · 04/12/2022 17:35

Whose parent is she?

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:35

gamerchick · 04/12/2022 17:33

Personally I'd call her bluff. As she's obviously not happy there's maybe its time she went into sheltered accomodation where she'll have as much company as she needs.

I didn’t want to upset her, but perhaps you’re right and I should have.

OP posts:
SirMingeALot · 04/12/2022 17:35

domesticslattern · 04/12/2022 17:33

Erm, do you really think it is true that the GP said it was "despicable"? Does that sound likely?

Mmm, that part didn't happen.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:36

Footballmyarse · 04/12/2022 17:33

In my (awful) experience, social services don’t give a shit if someone is in need of actual help and are in distress.

The won’t give a monkeys that someone has said they aren’t getting enough visitors, they wont be remotely interested in that.

Dh grandmother is like this. 97. Only, she’s been such a cow to PIL for the last 40 odd years she is very lucky that they still visit at all.

People do get difficult and more demanding as they age, I have worked in care a long time. The tales I have heard about terrible families who do nothing and don’t care - when actually, they visit very regularly.

She is very well looked after and much loved. I feel so upset she’s said this…but perhaps it’s normal then.

OP posts:
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:37

FuckMyLife2022 · 04/12/2022 17:33

I’d get a Ring doorbell and keep all the footage to show how often people go/how long they stay for. That can’t be argued with in the same way a written log can be.

Good idea!

OP posts:
StaceySolomonSwash · 04/12/2022 17:37

domesticslattern · 04/12/2022 17:33

Erm, do you really think it is true that the GP said it was "despicable"? Does that sound likely?

That's what I thought. I suspect the grandmother embellished what he actually said. If anything. Only got her word for why that she went to the GP, too.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:37

domesticslattern · 04/12/2022 17:33

Erm, do you really think it is true that the GP said it was "despicable"? Does that sound likely?

Well, I just took her word for it to be honest 😬

OP posts:
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:38

DorritLittle · 04/12/2022 17:35

Whose parent is she?

Dads

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/12/2022 17:38

domesticslattern · 04/12/2022 17:33

Erm, do you really think it is true that the GP said it was "despicable"? Does that sound likely?

I thought this too. It doesn't solve your problem. You and your family can only do so much. Compared to a lot of people, she's very lucky. I wouldn't indulge this, just deflect it/gently challenge if you can.

Footballmyarse · 04/12/2022 17:39

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:36

She is very well looked after and much loved. I feel so upset she’s said this…but perhaps it’s normal then.

My father says the same thing about me at his care home.

I am the terrible daughter who doesn’t care, I’ve abandoned him, I’ve put him in there so I can steal all his money …. on and on.

None of it it true, the staff have heard it all before, as I have I over the years.

As we age, we get more self centred. Our world gets smaller and smaller.

It’s quite normal.

healthadvice123 · 04/12/2022 17:39

From her point of view it may feel like that as 24/7 on your own company can be a long time for some, plus maybe she thinks its longer , just because you think she has all her faculties maybe she doesn't fully
If she lived in an annexe attached to house, can she not pop in for a cup of tea or coffee for 10 mins in the evening

magicalorange · 04/12/2022 17:40

Did you point out to her that A B and C have visited her in the last week and your Dad was with her for X number of hours yesterday?

I'd also tell her that she's very lucky to be living so close to family.

FuckMyLife2022 · 04/12/2022 17:40

Footballmyarse · 04/12/2022 17:35

No one will have to “prove” anything to anyone? What do you think would happen even if no one popped in for a year - they would get arrested for not visiting? No one will care.

I doubt the GP said anything of the sort.

I meant more to shut Grandma up about how little she’s visited tbh.

Footballmyarse · 04/12/2022 17:42

FuckMyLife2022 · 04/12/2022 17:40

I meant more to shut Grandma up about how little she’s visited tbh.

Sorry, yes it would probably help.

She’s very lucky to be that age and living independently so close to her son.