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Elderly grandparent becoming vindictive

129 replies

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:17

My grandmother is 94 years old. She has all her faculties and is very independent. She lives in an annex attached to my parents house, with her own kitchen and bathroom, lounge and bedroom. She drives and does her own shopping.

During the summer, my grandmother potters around the garden with (or without) my dad (her son). They grow plants, tend to the fruit trees and she’s happy as Larry.

During these winter months though, she can’t get out quite so much. My dad works full time but will pop in for a few hours every day or every other day. My mum works full time and does a lot of over time, so doesn’t tend to see anyone very often (myself included).

My grandmother becomes quite disgruntled during the winter months at the lack of visitors. Apart from my dad, she has about 2-3 visits per week from other family e.g. me. But clearly she thinks visits should be a daily occurrence and perhaps they should be…but we all work.

Anyway, she took herself to see her Gp last week and told him that ‘her family hates her because no one visits her’. Now the Gp has called social services. She was relaying this to us earlier, at one of her non existent visits. She was complaining to us that no one bothers with her, even though my dad was there for two hours yesterday.

I think her biggest bugbear is my mother. It’s true that mum only sees her perhaps once a month, but as I mentioned earlier, my mum leaves for work at 7am, gets home from work around 7pm and works as many as 6 days a week. No one sees her. She does however pick my grandmother up bits and bobs after work e.g. M&S food and sends it down via dad.

I love my grandmother to bits, but I’m feeling so cross with her, that she could be so ungrateful and so spiteful telling the GP we must hate her. I am trying to be patient, but I’m sat there listening to her say how no one visits, whilst I’m sat there visiting.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 05/12/2022 09:12

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 20:06

We’ll look into it.
Im off to get ready for work. But thank you all. I have some great ideas of how to deal with this and how to look after Gran as she gets older now. We’ll make certain she continues to be safe driving and we’ll perhaps work out a rota of visits, so she doesn’t end up with everyone coming on the same day.
It could be dementia setting in I suppose, so we’ll look out for more signs.
And we’ll see what’s available in the community. I’ll also see if she’d rather a trip to the garden centre as opposed to a visit; to get out and a change of scenery. Perhaps go for a bite to eat.

thank you again!

Garden centres usually have lovely little cafes now as well.

Good luck x

MmedeGouge · 05/12/2022 09:34

My aunt (90+) has a similar situation and complaints.
She has carers 3 times a day. Her next door neighbours pop in for coffee every morning. Another elderly gentleman buys her a newspaper every day and pops in for a quick chat every day.
Her lifelong friend pops by several times a week.
Family visit her weekly. Her complaint to us is always
“ I’ve seen no one, not a single visitor since last week!”
Apparently only family are visitors- the rest don’t count.

HilaryThorpe · 05/12/2022 09:44

OP I think you are doing a good job in looking for ways to support your grandmother. Apart from U3A (which also does remote learning) are there any online activities she could join such as a bridge club?
I am sorry to read some deeply unpleasant, overtly ageist posts on here.

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GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/12/2022 11:17

Please be aware, OP, that even if a Sw calls, s/he is unlikely to pick up signs of any early early dementia. In the earlier stages sufferers are very good at presenting a good front to occasional callers. In dementia-carers circles it’s known as ‘hostess mode’

I might add that from (too much!) experience, unless they’ve had direct personal experience, SWs and even GPs, are often pretty clueless about dementia. They may know in theory, but just don’t understand the practical realities.

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