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Elderly grandparent becoming vindictive

129 replies

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:17

My grandmother is 94 years old. She has all her faculties and is very independent. She lives in an annex attached to my parents house, with her own kitchen and bathroom, lounge and bedroom. She drives and does her own shopping.

During the summer, my grandmother potters around the garden with (or without) my dad (her son). They grow plants, tend to the fruit trees and she’s happy as Larry.

During these winter months though, she can’t get out quite so much. My dad works full time but will pop in for a few hours every day or every other day. My mum works full time and does a lot of over time, so doesn’t tend to see anyone very often (myself included).

My grandmother becomes quite disgruntled during the winter months at the lack of visitors. Apart from my dad, she has about 2-3 visits per week from other family e.g. me. But clearly she thinks visits should be a daily occurrence and perhaps they should be…but we all work.

Anyway, she took herself to see her Gp last week and told him that ‘her family hates her because no one visits her’. Now the Gp has called social services. She was relaying this to us earlier, at one of her non existent visits. She was complaining to us that no one bothers with her, even though my dad was there for two hours yesterday.

I think her biggest bugbear is my mother. It’s true that mum only sees her perhaps once a month, but as I mentioned earlier, my mum leaves for work at 7am, gets home from work around 7pm and works as many as 6 days a week. No one sees her. She does however pick my grandmother up bits and bobs after work e.g. M&S food and sends it down via dad.

I love my grandmother to bits, but I’m feeling so cross with her, that she could be so ungrateful and so spiteful telling the GP we must hate her. I am trying to be patient, but I’m sat there listening to her say how no one visits, whilst I’m sat there visiting.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:32

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 19:29

I think your mother is avoiding your grandmother. She literally lives a minutes walk away. No kind of busy job justifies that unless she just can't stand a minute in her company.

And how old are your parents? They must be knocking on if G-ma is 94? Perhaps encourage them to both to relax a bit?

Also - is G-ma REALLY safe to drive at 94? My mother gave up at 80 as she realised she wasn't so quick with her reactions. She is still with us at age 90 and all her faculties intact (I mean no dementia) but she made a sensible decision 10 years ago. I think your G-ma is unrealistic at best, dangerous at worst.

Gran has excellent eyesight and it quite a ballsy driver. She also doesn’t want to stop driving as she likes her freedom.
Dad keeps an eye on it and offers to take her shopping with him instead. He knows that the time to stop driving will come soon enough.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 04/12/2022 19:33

Sorry cross post with your update OP.
Well in a way I'm glad your DM doesn't feel obligated to spend time with your DGM. If her lifestyle makes her happy then good for her.

pinkfondu · 04/12/2022 19:34

My first thought was SAD. For a visit could you take her out instead, a local garden or even a garden centre?

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Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:36

rookiemere · 04/12/2022 19:31

The mother is DGMs DIL. She's not obliged to provide companionship, presumably she already does shopping and other chores. Besides even if she did visit her once a week, it's unlikely to satisfy DGM anyway.

Mum picks up lovely bits and bobs for gran. In the summer she’ll stop for a chat when nan is working in the garden if she’s home. She also arranges any repairs for Gran and insists Gran comes along when we go out for a family birthday meal or Christmas dinner. She would never leave her out.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 04/12/2022 19:36

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:32

Gran has excellent eyesight and it quite a ballsy driver. She also doesn’t want to stop driving as she likes her freedom.
Dad keeps an eye on it and offers to take her shopping with him instead. He knows that the time to stop driving will come soon enough.

Get her a medical check up to be sure she’s ok to drive. She might want to live less rurally when she can’t drive

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:37

pinkfondu · 04/12/2022 19:34

My first thought was SAD. For a visit could you take her out instead, a local garden or even a garden centre?

Great idea. I’m not sure why we didn’t think of that.

OP posts:
saffy7 · 04/12/2022 19:38

My nan started being vindictive and lying about things at the start of her dementia... are you sure she still has her faculties?

oakleaffy · 04/12/2022 19:39

Jeez
Old people can be so bloomin’ selfish.
She’s lucky to still be alive and with mental function.
AND living with her son!

Lucky and very ungrateful!

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:41

saffy7 · 04/12/2022 19:38

My nan started being vindictive and lying about things at the start of her dementia... are you sure she still has her faculties?

Well, I think I’m sure, but perhaps this is the start of something. I guess the SW visit may turn out to be a good thing.

Gran would be devastated if anything about her living arrangements changed. She loves her home. I think in her mind, she just wants more attention.

But, she is old and it’s possible that it could be a sign of early dementia.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 04/12/2022 19:41

I very much doubt the GP said anything but sympathetic noises.

My gran was seriously ill when I was about 10. We visited (despite being 200+ miles away) every weekend for 4-5 months whole she was in there. Our cousins were living out of the country at the time, and didn't have much money so my uncle flew back once.
Her constant cry was we never visited but uncle's family was there "all the time".

A couple of years later she had another hospital stay for a few months but uncle had moved back to the UK and was living up the road from her. He visited with some variety of family nearly every day. We visited every 3-4 weekends.
Guess what her constant cry was? Yes, that uncle's family hadn't visited her once and she was always telling people how wonderful we were that we were visiting so often.

The nurses laughed and said they saw this all the time.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:43

It’s all quite sad actually isn’t it. I’m worrying now that this will be me one day.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 04/12/2022 19:46

Sounds like you and your dad are doing more than enough, but once a month from her DIL who lives in an attached house seems... not very much? What does your dad think about that? Did/do your mum and your GM have a bad relationship?

astronewt · 04/12/2022 19:46

I guarantee you the GP did not say it was despicable. GPs have heard this type of tale a million times before and know the score.

Don't bother mucking around with visitor's books and doorbell footage. One of two things will happen: she'll agree with you while she's talking to you and go right back to saying nobody visits afterwards, or she'll accuse you of taking the book or footage and her paranoia will escalate. Either way it won't help.

What she's telling you is that she feels like nobody visits, and I would lay any currency you like that the reason she feels that is that she is starting to struggle to remember things, or to differentiate one day from the next. When you are seeing her, the most recent thing before that was a time when she was alone, and she is losing the ability to put that time in context or to remember what happened before that. I.e. another visit.

Cheerfully correct her and then change the subject. "That's not true, nana, you saw Dad yesterday. The geraniums look beautiful today! Are you going to do some weeding tomorrow?"

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 04/12/2022 19:48

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:43

It’s all quite sad actually isn’t it. I’m worrying now that this will be me one day.

The fact u said ur gran doesn't like 'old people' I would assume that this may not nessasery be u as u wouldn't automatically dislike people ur age. I think that's Ultimately what's the issue. Not having outside intrests or people to speak to outside the family.

astronewt · 04/12/2022 19:48

*faking, not taking (shut up autocorrect).

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:51

astronewt · 04/12/2022 19:46

I guarantee you the GP did not say it was despicable. GPs have heard this type of tale a million times before and know the score.

Don't bother mucking around with visitor's books and doorbell footage. One of two things will happen: she'll agree with you while she's talking to you and go right back to saying nobody visits afterwards, or she'll accuse you of taking the book or footage and her paranoia will escalate. Either way it won't help.

What she's telling you is that she feels like nobody visits, and I would lay any currency you like that the reason she feels that is that she is starting to struggle to remember things, or to differentiate one day from the next. When you are seeing her, the most recent thing before that was a time when she was alone, and she is losing the ability to put that time in context or to remember what happened before that. I.e. another visit.

Cheerfully correct her and then change the subject. "That's not true, nana, you saw Dad yesterday. The geraniums look beautiful today! Are you going to do some weeding tomorrow?"

I’ll do that. I didn’t like to correct her, but I like the way you’ve suggested. I suspect she won’t be easily distracted by the change of subject though lol.

OP posts:
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:52

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 04/12/2022 19:48

The fact u said ur gran doesn't like 'old people' I would assume that this may not nessasery be u as u wouldn't automatically dislike people ur age. I think that's Ultimately what's the issue. Not having outside intrests or people to speak to outside the family.

She once told me that she would never eat something an old person made as she didn’t like their wrinkly fingers on the food; she’s such a character 😄

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 04/12/2022 19:55

I agree with PP that your nan is lonely.
But Imagine all of your friends and (most of your) family had passed away. I think sometimes the vulnerability older people feel
makes them behave quite child. Not intentionally but because they are scared.
I do think it could be wise to consider that dementia could be also on the radar. This happened so quick with my DH nan almost an over night change!

But I have to say I am totally fascinated by your mum. I think there has to be something about her story - what is she avoiding?! What is she running away from and distracting herself from? Is this a very long standing career? Do you feel you missed out as a child? Have you ever had a heart to heart with her about it rather than just accept it?
She might need support to approach something painful in her life that she had been avoiding so many years. Surely it isn’t emotionally healthy to be that busy all the time and have no down time and not see your family? I know she spoils your Children but I know 100% that I and my children would take quality time with their grandparents every time over gifts etc.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:55

YukoandHiro · 04/12/2022 19:46

Sounds like you and your dad are doing more than enough, but once a month from her DIL who lives in an attached house seems... not very much? What does your dad think about that? Did/do your mum and your GM have a bad relationship?

Honestly, it’s not like that. And it’s not just my dad and I.
My siblings visit her. Gran also has another child who visits with their family.
My mum does see her from time to time, but just not often. But when we do get together as a family, it’s mum who makes sure Gran is there. She’s the one who doesn’t take no for an answer and Gran always ends up having a great time.

OP posts:
Brieeeeeeeee · 04/12/2022 19:57

I’m another one with a similar grandparent - visited every day, but it doesn’t make a dent in the long stretches of loneliness in between visits. My GParent is also difficult, rude, makes thoughtless remarks with no specific diagnosis of dementia or cognitive decline but it’s clearly happening. She used to keep occupied with reading but that’s also tailed off a lot as her sight has deteriorated, and there’s been a marked decline since. I visit and call as much as I can but it’s so wearing to hear about how wronged she’s been by everyone.

It’s tough, OP 💐

HilaryThorpe · 04/12/2022 19:59

Is there a local U3A that she could attend in winter? That would be stimulating and get her out and about. I agree about the possibility of SAD or vitamin D deficiency.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 20:02

Gagaandgag · 04/12/2022 19:55

I agree with PP that your nan is lonely.
But Imagine all of your friends and (most of your) family had passed away. I think sometimes the vulnerability older people feel
makes them behave quite child. Not intentionally but because they are scared.
I do think it could be wise to consider that dementia could be also on the radar. This happened so quick with my DH nan almost an over night change!

But I have to say I am totally fascinated by your mum. I think there has to be something about her story - what is she avoiding?! What is she running away from and distracting herself from? Is this a very long standing career? Do you feel you missed out as a child? Have you ever had a heart to heart with her about it rather than just accept it?
She might need support to approach something painful in her life that she had been avoiding so many years. Surely it isn’t emotionally healthy to be that busy all the time and have no down time and not see your family? I know she spoils your Children but I know 100% that I and my children would take quality time with their grandparents every time over gifts etc.

You are probably definitely on to something where mum is concerned, but I don’t know why she is the way she is or where it stems back to.

Do I feel I missed out? In some ways I guess, but I know my mum loves me and would do anything for me, so I also realise how lucky I am. My mum has been the best she can be and will work herself to the bone, just to try to make my life and the life of my siblings easier. She wants to leave us all with enough…even though that’s not important to us.

If I rang mum and asked her to be there for me instead of work, she would be. And if I was 4000 miles away and needed her, she’d get there.

But yes, she keeps herself busy and I’ve never questioned it much as it’s all I’ve ever known.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 04/12/2022 20:02

I was just about to message about the u3a groups.
It's all about learning and teaching in the third age. Sounds revitalising

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 20:06

We’ll look into it.
Im off to get ready for work. But thank you all. I have some great ideas of how to deal with this and how to look after Gran as she gets older now. We’ll make certain she continues to be safe driving and we’ll perhaps work out a rota of visits, so she doesn’t end up with everyone coming on the same day.
It could be dementia setting in I suppose, so we’ll look out for more signs.
And we’ll see what’s available in the community. I’ll also see if she’d rather a trip to the garden centre as opposed to a visit; to get out and a change of scenery. Perhaps go for a bite to eat.

thank you again!

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 04/12/2022 20:15

Best of luck with everything!

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