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Elderly grandparent becoming vindictive

129 replies

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:17

My grandmother is 94 years old. She has all her faculties and is very independent. She lives in an annex attached to my parents house, with her own kitchen and bathroom, lounge and bedroom. She drives and does her own shopping.

During the summer, my grandmother potters around the garden with (or without) my dad (her son). They grow plants, tend to the fruit trees and she’s happy as Larry.

During these winter months though, she can’t get out quite so much. My dad works full time but will pop in for a few hours every day or every other day. My mum works full time and does a lot of over time, so doesn’t tend to see anyone very often (myself included).

My grandmother becomes quite disgruntled during the winter months at the lack of visitors. Apart from my dad, she has about 2-3 visits per week from other family e.g. me. But clearly she thinks visits should be a daily occurrence and perhaps they should be…but we all work.

Anyway, she took herself to see her Gp last week and told him that ‘her family hates her because no one visits her’. Now the Gp has called social services. She was relaying this to us earlier, at one of her non existent visits. She was complaining to us that no one bothers with her, even though my dad was there for two hours yesterday.

I think her biggest bugbear is my mother. It’s true that mum only sees her perhaps once a month, but as I mentioned earlier, my mum leaves for work at 7am, gets home from work around 7pm and works as many as 6 days a week. No one sees her. She does however pick my grandmother up bits and bobs after work e.g. M&S food and sends it down via dad.

I love my grandmother to bits, but I’m feeling so cross with her, that she could be so ungrateful and so spiteful telling the GP we must hate her. I am trying to be patient, but I’m sat there listening to her say how no one visits, whilst I’m sat there visiting.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Waterfallstop · 04/12/2022 20:17

So your granny lives in an annex in your house and your mum sees her once a month? Does your granny not get invited through for dinner a few times a week, Saturday fry up, Sunday lunch etc. That does seem quite an odd set up.

It does sound like she does needs to make some of her own social life though '- a group or two would be good. Could you help by finding out what is available locally?

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 04/12/2022 20:17

U have reminded me when my nan was alive she would have a bible group around her house every month and she would call them the old dears, they were all younger than her!

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 20:24

You know your mother despises her MIL and uses work as an excuse, don't you OP?

Interested in this thread?

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sammyjoanne · 04/12/2022 20:29

Totally understand this. My grandma used to say the same thing. id walk in and be greeted with 'hello stranger' in her sing songy voice, I remember it well and I visited often enough. And also used to get that with step grandad too (grandmas DH). My grandma got dementia in the end and we still visited and she passed 4 years ago. Grandad has got worse since then, says my mum and dad dont do anything for him, they visit 3 times a week and do his shopping, and he has carers daily whom he chats s*t to about my parents. He slated my brother for having a dead end job (he has a respectable job) and not only that hes racist and bigoted. So hes lucky to get a visit from me once or twice a year.

gogohmm · 04/12/2022 20:35

Why doesn't she volunteer at a local toddler group or similar if she is still capable, we have a lady who makes the coffees and squash in the kitchen and chats to the mums (occasionally dads and grans but mostly mums), reading to children in playgroup or school maybe or similar? Lunch clubs for older people need volunteers as well as participants

saraclara · 04/12/2022 20:36

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 20:24

You know your mother despises her MIL and uses work as an excuse, don't you OP?

Have you even bothered reading OP's posts about how much her DM does for her MIL, and how DM insists that she's invited to everything and is never missed out? Oh, and she goes out of her way to find treats that MIL will enjoy?

🙄

Brefugee · 04/12/2022 20:37

make a family whatsapp group and post selfies with her, or a photo of her whenever you visit?

It's a matter of perception though, isn't it? she feels it's very little, but if she never goes out the days must seem very long to her

justasking111 · 04/12/2022 20:38

My MIL got like this after FIL died as did most of her friends. Of course it's miserable to be alone. But that's how it is when you live to a ripe old age. I know another lady who moved here last year she's getting involved in community social events now.

Family can never get it right

Bluetrews25 · 04/12/2022 20:52

FYI, OP, just in case you didn't know, in dementia the brain loses short term memory first. So people forget what they did earlier or yesterday. But the older, embedded memories are still there. So memories of childhood are sharp. Until they aren't.

She can't have it both ways - driving but complaining she's lonely. If she's driving then she can get out there to some groups or volunteer at a hospital or animal sanctuary. Why does everyone have to go to her?

If she is lonely because she's forgetting that people have visited, then she should not be driving. It's slightly concerning that you called her a 'ballsy' driver.

People can be very good at covering up their cognitive decline, families don't always notice straight away.

silverclock222 · 04/12/2022 20:53

They stay in pretty much the same house and your mum only sees her once a month? The time she gets bits from M&S for her, could be spent having a quick cuppa surely?

Lapland123 · 04/12/2022 21:00

All the posters saying the OP’s mum should do more… it’s like a clear message that you should never have your in laws age in your annexe, nothing you offer is enough! The OP’s mother works so much she must hardly get time for herself, has rare time for ger daughter and grandchildren… and you’re all asking that she needs to give company to her MIL too. It’s not enough that she lets her live adjoining her house and shops for huts for her, invites her at every family event?

no good deed goes unpunished, for sure

Namenic · 04/12/2022 21:09

Be v careful about the driving. Around our part of the country there was someone who was involved in a tragic accident due to someone with dementia driving. In the early stages it can be hard to know if someone has dementia.

ButterCrackers · 04/12/2022 21:17

Lapland123 · 04/12/2022 21:00

All the posters saying the OP’s mum should do more… it’s like a clear message that you should never have your in laws age in your annexe, nothing you offer is enough! The OP’s mother works so much she must hardly get time for herself, has rare time for ger daughter and grandchildren… and you’re all asking that she needs to give company to her MIL too. It’s not enough that she lets her live adjoining her house and shops for huts for her, invites her at every family event?

no good deed goes unpunished, for sure

Exactly - no one is moaning about the son just complaining about the DIL.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 21:21

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 20:24

You know your mother despises her MIL and uses work as an excuse, don't you OP?

Does this mean my mother despised me too?

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 04/12/2022 21:22

It’s typical of dementia. She’s forgotten. She’s horrid - dementia doesn’t make you a nicer person, to put it tactfully. She lies. Or she could be sane just old and moany.

No GP rings SS because a patient says she is lonely.

Having said all that, oldsters and DS can be startlingly good liars.

We were shitting it one Xmas when we had an old family friend to stay who swore blind she hadn’t seen another human for weeks and was going home to a freezing unlit house. We kept her on while we made panicky phone calls.

Turned out the family went in daily and had installed a live in carer months ago. Old family friend - who’d wanted to stay on with us - kept her extended stay but only till the end of the week.

I’d tell the GP the truth and get her screened at the ‘memory clinic.’

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 21:22

Thank you for the support all. I want what’s best for gran, even though I’ve been a bit miffed with her this evening.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 21:34

ButterCrackers · 04/12/2022 21:17

Exactly - no one is moaning about the son just complaining about the DIL.

This is so unbelievably stupid. The son sees her for a few hours every day or every other day. The dil sees her almost never. If the dil had any positive feelings towards her at all she would see her for an hour or two weekly. No one works THAT hard.

ButterCrackers · 04/12/2022 22:02

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 21:34

This is so unbelievably stupid. The son sees her for a few hours every day or every other day. The dil sees her almost never. If the dil had any positive feelings towards her at all she would see her for an hour or two weekly. No one works THAT hard.

My comment is not unbelievably stupid. It’s the situation. The dil works a full time job and looks after her mil as best she can. Well done to her.

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 23:17

No one is moaning about the son because he sees his mother all the time. Why would they moan about him? What is there to moan about?

ButterCrackers · 05/12/2022 07:04

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 23:17

No one is moaning about the son because he sees his mother all the time. Why would they moan about him? What is there to moan about?

He sees his mother every day or every other day which is great. The grandmother has these visits and other family 2 to 3 times a week and the DIL does the shopping and invites the grandmother to every family event.They spend time in the garden together in the summer. The DIL works 6 days a week , out from 7 to 7. She doesn’t get to see her own children and grandchildren enough. I think that the DIL is doing what she can and that is good enough. Women are always expected to do more and get no praise for the efforts they make. To me, the DIL is working hard. Long hours are really tough.

rookiemere · 05/12/2022 07:10

Even if the DIL visited gran daily, she'd doubtless still be moaning about lack of visitors.
If DIL was to make more spare time - and it sounds like she has some sort of work addiction- personally I think she should prioritise spending time with her DGC rather than MiL.

Snnowflake · 05/12/2022 07:29

If the DIL has always worked and not been into socialising I don't see why the GM is complaining - nothings changed. Having her DS in most days is a lot.

What is to stop GM getting out to see people - even oldies.
And there is nothing stopping her sweeping up leaves, pruning back roses, planting shrubs and roses for next year. putting some pansies in a tub.

I mean if she won't do anything to sort her problems I see no reason why others should have to try - I suspect nothing will suit her and she will stll find something to complain about.

Havehope21 · 05/12/2022 07:33

My Grandmother does this a lot - often at medical appointments in front of her children. 9 times out of 10 the medical professional hits back with 'and would this family include your daughter sitting here'...

RambamThankyouMam · 05/12/2022 08:08

gamerchick · 04/12/2022 17:33

Personally I'd call her bluff. As she's obviously not happy there's maybe its time she went into sheltered accomodation where she'll have as much company as she needs.

This! If she's lonely at home she'd be better off surrounded by other people.

WokeIntoChristmas · 05/12/2022 08:22

She is lucky. Not many GP’s get to live with their child in an annex and see them regularly. She sounds a bit toxic TBH. No wonder your mum works overtime.