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Elderly grandparent becoming vindictive

129 replies

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 17:17

My grandmother is 94 years old. She has all her faculties and is very independent. She lives in an annex attached to my parents house, with her own kitchen and bathroom, lounge and bedroom. She drives and does her own shopping.

During the summer, my grandmother potters around the garden with (or without) my dad (her son). They grow plants, tend to the fruit trees and she’s happy as Larry.

During these winter months though, she can’t get out quite so much. My dad works full time but will pop in for a few hours every day or every other day. My mum works full time and does a lot of over time, so doesn’t tend to see anyone very often (myself included).

My grandmother becomes quite disgruntled during the winter months at the lack of visitors. Apart from my dad, she has about 2-3 visits per week from other family e.g. me. But clearly she thinks visits should be a daily occurrence and perhaps they should be…but we all work.

Anyway, she took herself to see her Gp last week and told him that ‘her family hates her because no one visits her’. Now the Gp has called social services. She was relaying this to us earlier, at one of her non existent visits. She was complaining to us that no one bothers with her, even though my dad was there for two hours yesterday.

I think her biggest bugbear is my mother. It’s true that mum only sees her perhaps once a month, but as I mentioned earlier, my mum leaves for work at 7am, gets home from work around 7pm and works as many as 6 days a week. No one sees her. She does however pick my grandmother up bits and bobs after work e.g. M&S food and sends it down via dad.

I love my grandmother to bits, but I’m feeling so cross with her, that she could be so ungrateful and so spiteful telling the GP we must hate her. I am trying to be patient, but I’m sat there listening to her say how no one visits, whilst I’m sat there visiting.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 18:41

My gran loathes old people. She does not see herself as old. She would hate it in a care home.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 04/12/2022 18:41

amonsteronthehill · 04/12/2022 18:39

While it would be 'nice' if OP's mum had more time to visit, reality is, she doesn't based on her long working days.

The other reality is, this is not her mother. It is her husband's mother. Who she has welcomed into an annex attached to her home.

And she regularly ensures she picks things up her MIl needs.

I think she's doing plenty for her, frankly.

Agree

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/12/2022 18:42

Does she have any friends?

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TidyDancer · 04/12/2022 18:43

Did you ask her why she was lying? I'm wondering if someone calling her out on it might be a good idea even if she acts distressed. It sounds like she needs to be challenged and from that you might be able to figure out if something else is going on.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 18:43

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/12/2022 18:42

Does she have any friends?

No. All either dead, or have turned into old people.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 04/12/2022 18:49

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 18:41

My gran loathes old people. She does not see herself as old. She would hate it in a care home.

what other option is there apart from moving her in the main house and ensuring that someone is there to entertain? Her son and wife work long hours. In a care home she’d have lots of social interaction plus her own room. She’s complained officially about her living conditions in the annex. Unless there is a medical problem I’d look into moving her out. It might make her realise how lucky she is and she will stay without moaning. It might give her a new lease of life.

LibbyL92 · 04/12/2022 18:53

Can kind of relate. My grandmother is becoming hard-work with the constant guilt tripping.

I go to see her as and when I can and she just constantly moans and it’s all doom and gloom.

everything’s very exaggerated. I love her dearly but it’s really beginning to piss me off. She never says she is ok.

MincepiesforRudolph · 04/12/2022 18:53

If she has no friends left (my aunt is the same boat at the same age) then she has to make them and needs to go find them, maybe through a hobby or interest she likes. Sitting around moaning to her GP wont help unless they can link her to home visit xharity group in your area.
My 94 year old aunt also dislikes "old people" (or rather old people mentality - sitting around talking about their aches and pains!) as in her mind she's in her thirties!

saraclara · 04/12/2022 19:00

Why were you not blunt with her?

"Gran, you LIVE in part of dad's home. You have people calling in for a couple of hours at least three times a week. What were you even thinking telling the doctor that we hate you, and causing dad the grief of having a social worker to come and investigate?! You are incredibly lucky to live in an annexe attached to your son's home. Hardly anyone gets to have that as they get older, and few sons have wives who are happy to have their MIL live alongside them. You're INCREDIBLY fortunate compared to most people your age and you've thrown Dad and Mum's kindness in his face and made our own visits sound completely unimportant to you. I'm really hurt"

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:01

It’s really sad, because it the summer, she’s like a new woman! You can’t stop her. Zipping around in her car; digging holes to plant trees; running about with a wheel barrow full! She’ll sit outside in the sun, with a bottle of beer or a glass of wine and have a good old laugh with you. Sometimes she’s too busy to stop and pay attention to her guests. I mean, at her age, she absolutely fabulous! Fitter than most women 30 years younger! And fun too.

It’s really the winter that gets her down I think. And then she has time. Time to think about why she hasn’t seen my mum. Time to think about who’s been and who hasn’t. And then she gets disgruntled. But complaining to the GP about us and saying we hate her and don’t visit feels like a step too far and people don’t usually get cross with her, but I definitely felt a bit cross this evening.

After reading through the comments though, I guess it’s age and I’m going to try to just not take it personally and carry on as we have been.

OP posts:
CovertImage · 04/12/2022 19:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LunaTheCat · 04/12/2022 19:06

You sound like a lovely family!
I would second that despite her outward appearance that there is some early dementia happening.. the loss short term memory ( of visits) and change personality is often a clue.
Can I come and live in your annex if Grandmother has had enough🤣!
I am most worried about your Mum- why is she working such horrendous hours?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/12/2022 19:06

Could she have seasonal affective disorder? I was struck by the fact that her demeanour changed in the winter, when she can’t spend time pottering in the garden - if she loves gardening, not being able to get out and do as much as she likes will also make her depressed, and she won’t be getting anywhere near as much exposure to sunlight as she does in the summer.

The UV lights to treat SAD don’t have to cost a lot, and if they don’t do any good, they won’t do her any harm - and you don’t need a diagnosis or prescription.

Penguinsaregreat · 04/12/2022 19:07

She sounds incredibly ungrateful.
I hope she was ill when she took up a doctors appointment and didn’t just go there to moan. I can’t get in to see my doctor.
Likewise with social services. They have far more important things to do than entertain some bored retired person.
I think you need to pull her up and call her out.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/12/2022 19:09

If she has even any very early degree of dementia, she may well forget very quickly that anyone’s been to see her.

Other than that, I’m afraid it’s just the case that some old people can become terribly selfish and self centred, and refuse to understand that many people are busy, with a lot of commitments.
How about a visitors’ book, that everyone will sign and date??

Dh’s old aunt (no dementia) honestly expected a younger bridge-playing friend to drive 20 minutes each way every evening - to fill her hot water bottles! And was most put out when she said (after a week or so) that she couldn’t do it any more. Dh had offered to get her an electric blanket, but no, she didn’t want one of those dangerous, new fangled things. .

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:10

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

She’s 64.

She doesn’t work 7-7

Ive factored in travel, parking and walking to the building time. Mum and dad live rurally, so it’s a bit of a trek.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 04/12/2022 19:15

Some good ideas . I think your mum could try to pop in for 15 mins once a week though.

thenewduchessoflapland · 04/12/2022 19:17

SW will turn up and be back out the door 10 mins later;your nan has a charmed life compared to many people her age.

Where I live lots of local churches run activities for the elderly;sewing circles,craft sessions,lunch clubs,coffee mornings etc,what about the local WI?,age concern have Day centres and so on.

StopStartStop · 04/12/2022 19:19

My grandma took to knocking on the neighbours' doors, asking if she could sit with them in the evening. Her two daughters had visited on a rota and left her tucked in for the night, but she got herself up and went out looking for company. When she couldn't be persuaded not to do that, she went into a home.

My mother was pretty much immobile but could throw herself out of bed, which she did, regularly. She would demand that my dad (then 79) should lift her back into bed. 'He's strong! He can lift me!' Yes, he could lift her easily when they were in their twenties, thirties, forties - but time had passed and they had by then to call the paramedics to lift her, every time. She went into a home.

You might have to address that for your grandmother, later.

Don't leave the visitors' log in the house - she's canny enough to hide it.

Try some daylight lights.

And write it all up for her GP.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:22

I think SAD is definitely a possibility. And it must be miserable not being able to do what you enjoy at that age, being stuck in the house with no purpose.

I think she’d make a fab volunteer if she’d do it.

I also reckon she could even hold down a VERY part time job if someone would employ her, not that I’d want her to work, but she’s just so bored and wasted at home. I reckon she’d love two hours pottering around the garden centre a day. What a shame there are few opportunities like this for the elderly, who are capable.

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 04/12/2022 19:23

Your parents are really kind but I do still think it’s very strange your mother doesn’t pop in (with your father) when it’s an annexe to your house

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2022 19:29

I think your mother is avoiding your grandmother. She literally lives a minutes walk away. No kind of busy job justifies that unless she just can't stand a minute in her company.

And how old are your parents? They must be knocking on if G-ma is 94? Perhaps encourage them to both to relax a bit?

Also - is G-ma REALLY safe to drive at 94? My mother gave up at 80 as she realised she wasn't so quick with her reactions. She is still with us at age 90 and all her faculties intact (I mean no dementia) but she made a sensible decision 10 years ago. I think your G-ma is unrealistic at best, dangerous at worst.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 04/12/2022 19:30

Slimjimtobe · 04/12/2022 19:23

Your parents are really kind but I do still think it’s very strange your mother doesn’t pop in (with your father) when it’s an annexe to your house

😆 Honestly, it really is another thread.

My mum has always lived and breathed work and is about as unsociable as you can get.

No one sees my mum, well hardly ever. We know she loves us and she spoils her grandkids rotten, but I can count in one hand how many times in my life I’ve been for a coffee with my mum 😂

Shes the first person I’d call though if I have a problem and I know if I really needed her, she’d leave work in a heartbeat for me. She is a fabulous, but completely unconventional mum, and I love her for it.

Unless you know her, I guess you would think it strange. But we are used to it and as dad is gran’s son, the ‘duties’ just fall to him.

OP posts:
Justkeepleft · 04/12/2022 19:30

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/12/2022 19:06

Could she have seasonal affective disorder? I was struck by the fact that her demeanour changed in the winter, when she can’t spend time pottering in the garden - if she loves gardening, not being able to get out and do as much as she likes will also make her depressed, and she won’t be getting anywhere near as much exposure to sunlight as she does in the summer.

The UV lights to treat SAD don’t have to cost a lot, and if they don’t do any good, they won’t do her any harm - and you don’t need a diagnosis or prescription.

I thought this too. Or lacking vit d can really impact your mood as well.
If I don't take it in winter negitive thoughts really sneak in.

rookiemere · 04/12/2022 19:31

The mother is DGMs DIL. She's not obliged to provide companionship, presumably she already does shopping and other chores. Besides even if she did visit her once a week, it's unlikely to satisfy DGM anyway.

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