Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

It’s possible that every year your MIL says to your FIL, “I’d better get some of those Sainsbury’s canapés as DIL likes them.”

@Shinyandnew1 fil literally asks us though " look at our tree isn't it wonderful, hasn't mil done an incredible job" he does that with everything! So staying silent isn't really an option.

Just don’t go! It’s that simple.

I like this idea. Make it a game but a joyful rather than snarky one.

Personally I'd be all for not going and having Christmas your way at home, but I'm old and life is too short for nonsense.

No adult presents and everyone bringing a contribution to lunch instead would be another way to ensure you get some of what you feel makes Christmas pleasurable.

My parents too! Just a ‘cant be bothered, tight, mean spirited attitude’.

They expect everyone to include them and blame their DiL ( not son) if they are not invited there. When I suggested inviting Dil, DS and DGS to theirs and hosting Christmas, my DM was aghast.
When we were younger adults, they were never here at Christmas, choosing to do something (cheap) for themselves.
When they have been here, I have provided and provided really well, including trips out, good food and presents - only to be re-gifted present that was part of a their present back to me a year later. It wasn't the cost, it was the fact that I thought I'd made a really nice, fun effort, with some treats for them...clearly not!

We are going away this year. Bugger them, sadly.

So what it caused 'an upset'! You are upset about it - don't your feelings count?
Just put your foot down, say you are having Christmas at home but will stop in for a drink on Boxing Day with the gifts (or say you are not exchanging gifts this year). You can just about tolerate two hours then you can go!
If any other relatives butt in about that say you want to enjoy Christmas at home just your family and happy Christmas to everyone else but that's what's happening. Smile but cut the conversation short if anyone goes on about it.
It's too bad - my parents are long dead. We had wonderful Christmases and I'd love to have another with them. But they were generous, loving people.
Be an adult and don't be bullied into doing something neither of you enjoy.

They’re not your parents and they never will be and I suspect that’s part of the problem. Why not invite your parents one Christmas or do a Christmas abroad with them?

Money attitudes aside, you clearly don’t enjoy it so just don’t see them on Christmas Day - explain your have your own family traditions, and relegate them to after Christmas. If DH has siblings they can’t spend Christmas Day with them.

Oh and the stinginess is absolutely all about control too. There's a very definite theme here with them! Just remember their "upset" feelings are not because you've done anything unreasonable to hurt their feelings by not going, they're just upset that you're not bending to their controlling ways,

They sound like knobs OP. My own parents and in laws are even worse. We just don't go anymore. We joke that we were dealt a bad hand with family. They won't come to us, we aren't good enough and our house isn't good enough. Middle finger I say. Sigh.

Hedda 🤣 I do like them though,I buy whatever takes my fancy myself. I enjoy seeing what each store offer's, one year Tesco had some really good ones....one year ( donut) m and s failed in my eyes.
It's the way they are served as if mil has gone to town spoiling us and fil " mil you have exceeded yourself this year, wow...".

FIL literally asks us though " look at our tree isn't it wonderful, hasn't mil done an incredible job" he does that with everything! So staying silent isn't really an option

Ah, come on, that’s sweet: he’s expressing and eliciting praise of his wife.

I honestly don’t mean to sound like I’m being unkind op but this still sounds like you have an issue being assertive (or your partner does).

if you’ve made a decision not to go there should be no guilting. If there is then you need to enforce boundaries - “we’ve spoken about this already. I won’t talk about it again. If you continue I’ll hang up the phone”.

I would try working on assertiveness and boundaries because otherwise what? Every Christmas Day is going to be miserable because you can’t say no?

You really need to grow a fanny and tell them you don’t want to go. Or rather, your drippy husband needs to. It’s not fun. It’s not festive. Stop going along with it, ignore the ludicrous bullying from the extended family, and have your own Christmas at home. Honestly. There isn’t another solution.

Unless you want to confront them and tell them exactly why it’s shit at theirs, and explain to all the rest of the nagging bastards in the family, and then deal with the fall out. They’d probably demonise you but who gives a shit?

"I'm very easy to please."

Lol, no.

You do both sound a bit drippy.

I would add that once you have done it the first year. It’ll get easy to stay home in coming Christmas’s because you’ve set the expectation. I’ve done this with mt own parents. They don’t even bother asking anymore….though I do get the odd comment that I ignore. I invite them over Boxing Day.

Oooh, please do describe the tree!

Yes bullying people with Sainsbury’s canapés and £50 presents, how very dare they 🤣

Out of interest @ChristmasJoysuckers , do you contribute anything towards the day or do you expect PIL to cover the cost of the food, drinks, etc?

This was my thoughts!

MIL is probably proud of the money she saved/the bargains she got and wants to share them with you. It might not be what you would do but it doesn’t make her a terrible person.

It sounds like nothing she does will ever be right for you because she’s not your DM. That doesn’t make her a bad person.

If they are hosting (and paying!) on Christmas, you either don’t go or accept how they are with a smile.

@Velvian and @BoxOfCats

Yes , I think she is trying to model how we should be doing things!

She's trying to make a point but she doesn't know how we spend or what we save on! In normal life I'm 100 times more frugal than she is!
I don't get the time at the moment but I used to be a big reduced food fan and I got toys from chairty shops, we sell at car boots and in the year we live within a tight budget. She won't wear a jumper with a hole in it , everything has to look brand new.
I'm very happy day to day in older clothes and get some from chairty and for DC from chairty ( mix now).
I suppose it's the underlying hypocrisy that winds me up.

Box, I think you have hit on something there. I feel awkward and in a controlling environment.
It feels like everything is one way, we have to go to tell mil via fils questions how great and benevolent she is.

Yes but we either go and have a miserable joy sucking time that we are forced to show ott gratitude for or don't go and get harangued and guiited by them all which is isn't fun either.

This is a decision, though. To be honest, I’d tell them that you’re going to be doing Christmas at home and will see them on XX date, and prepare for a couple of weeks of them trying to guilt you into changing your mind. If you stand firm, they’ll stop, and it’ll get easier every year afterwards.

You're opting yourself into this by going; and not only does it sound rubbish for you, but it’s got to be awful for your DC. You speak really fondly of your childhood Christmases… your DC deserve that type of memory too, not spending every year with your stingy in-laws.

You just smile and nod. Smile and nod.

If it were me I'd stay at home though. Sod the upset. Life is short. Choose the things that make you happy.

TBH I just wouldn’t go. If an excuse was needed, I think I’d have the whole family come down with some horrible bug - of course you’d feel absolutely terrible if you passed it on to them….

@Allschoolsareartschools , dh had an old aunt like that. Plenty of money but absolutely hated parting with a penny more than she absolutely had to. . I used to call her Queen Midas. A favourite screech of hers was, How much??

Dh spoke at her funeral service and said that if she’d ever known what the funeral was costing there’d have been another screech of ‘How much??

Since she was so well known for it, everyone fell about laughing!

Maybe she is aware that you have to save money during the year etc and it is a clumsy way of not being over extravagant and rubbing wealth in your face.