Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

Oh also we're all supposed to worship SIL for saving money, how clever she is etc etc
Bloody tight wads.

Invite them to yours. Shoe Scroige how Christmas should be done.

Your own childhood Christmases sound wonderful.

Just stay at home from now on. Don’t let her make you miserable any more.

This is just like PIL who have hundreds of thousands in the bank but insist on doing everything as cheaply as they possibly can. Their contribution to Xmas lunch at ours last year was two £1 cheesecakes from Morrisons and six mince pies. For ten. Including four teenage boys. And they took home the uneaten mince pies.
There is no effort to make anything special. We all sit shivering after one glass of cheap wine until the heating comes on and listen to MIL moaning about the price of stamps. The GC were offered soft drinks from a bottle that had expired several years before and one year we were served warm Vimto.
And they didn't grow up poor.

Just say to mil that you won’t be going to hers this year as you’re concerned about what it costs her as she seems to be struggling for money around Christmas time!

Autumn, there is definitely no banter or humour there at all.

I've been there when her family are there and see what serves and the effort she can go too same with fils business client's.

Maybe it's different states of mind but I'd want to pull out stops ( if I had the fund) for my own children?

I have wondered if she still thinks DH is little boy? We are children in her eyes and don't deserve the same as the other adults?

Re finances, I only go on what they tell us or clues of course and they are pensioners.
But fil states he only buys new cars for instance and they have his n hers porches. He has also stated he would never buy on credit or borrows.

But this is getting on wrong theme.

Being handed a boots set with someone proudly telling me how they got it buy one get one half price feels different to someone else just giving it? I liked the set but didn't enjoy receiving it if that makes sense?

It all feels very strange!

Don’t go. You’re adults and have your own family now and can do what suits you. She had her time providing Christmas for her DC and now it’s time for you to provide the Christmas you would like for your DC.

She sounds mean-spirited and actually quite rude and you don’t have to put up with it. It might cause an upset if you don’t go on Christmas Day but as someone once said on here a few years ago, most of MN posts wouldn’t exist if people had the confidence to stand up for themselves.

Don't let her keep bullying you to get her own way. Talk to your husband about establishing a new normal where you go to hers every other year not every year.

They certainly don't sound as if they have "hundreds of thousands" in the bank. Not many people do. If they have that much money it is probably invested and hard to get hold of.

My in-laws are a bit like this. I got told off for having a chocolate digestive with a cup of tea on Christmas Eve. It’s also a dry Christmas so hard work. I grew up in a house where the chocs were opened for breakfast 🤣

When the kids were younger, the comments were all about how they didn’t get the need for the commercialism of Xmas. By MN standards we had barely any presents.

In the end I put my foot down and said I wanted a good Xmas with drink, food, presents and some fun. One year they ended up alone and woke up a bit after that. They’re much these days as age has mellowed them and now they don’t entertain which helps.

@PinkPanther50

I would absolutely love to say that!
I really would, especially with fil there.

Why aren't you listening to all the good advice to stay away from them at Christmas? You clearly don't like her and perhaps the feeling is mutual.

Sainsbury's canapés, you say? How GHASTLY.

Christmas isn't about how much money you spend, and whilst it sounds as though your MIL overshares how much money she's saved (maybe she's downplaying, albeit a bit awkwardly?) I actually think you are waaay too invested in how much money she should be spending and on what. It comes across a tad grabby to coin a MN phrase.

Seriously though, if you don't enjoy it, don't go.

Invite them to yours and be ready for comments. "I could have done this cheaper"
"Well we wanted the food to actually taste good and you don't know what I spent"
Stop letting her put you all down and answer back. If she goes in a mood it's her problem.

Oh well, they’re allowed to do Christmas how they want. I don’t buy canapés and I hate Christmas music and I don’t spend more than £30 on presents to family other than my husband and children, but I don’t think that makes me stingy or a joy-sucker. I get my joy from other things.

You're never going to change someone like this. They pride themselves on a bargain. We used to have NDNs like this. All conversations revolved around the cost/price of everything. They owned 3 houses outright but lived on cheap brand food and wore sweat shop clothing. Going out for a meal meant going to somewhere that did 2 meals for fiver and then telling us about what good value it was. I suspect he had a good income from a defined benefits pension (given his career and the company he'd worked for).
They were equally frugal with gifts for their children. I just wanted to tell them "you can't take it with you. Enjoy yourselves while you can" but I suspect their enjoyment came from grabbing a bargain.

You're either going to have to just roll your eyes or extract yourselves from their Christmas festivities.

Gosh stay home and tell them it's because they seem to struggle for money and you don't want to put them out any more.

I get it OP, they’re bloody weird but I don’t know what you can do to stop them doing it! I’d also prefer to do Christmas by myself. You say they kick off but it’s so unequal, can you imagine you and DH kicking off as you didn’t like things?

janieread they do. They even comment on how they don't need their winter fuel allowance etc. FIL tells us he has more coming in than when he was working, and that his FA is always telling him to spend his money. But he doesn't want to because he 'doesn't know how long he's got to live'. DH knows what they inherited years ago, and they've spent next to nothing in that time.

Her own parents are overseas, it’s the stingy in-laws they spend Xmas with who are the problem.

Yeah, I’m with everyone saying don’t go, OP. I know family stuff can be awkward and most of us feel some level of obligation, but at the end of the day you’re adults and can choose to have whatever kind of Christmas you want. So you can go to theirs and have a strained, penny-pinching, miserable time, or they can come to yours if they want to, or they can stay at home and sulk if they want to. Even if they come and MIL is chippy as fuck, it sounds like the majority of you will have a happier time doing Christmas your way, so do that.

For myself, as an adult, Christmas is just one day and shouldn't be just about food and presents. I don't really get all the fuss required if there are no children involved, maybe I am just a grinch though!
Yes you are, we are a family of 5 adults and we are very excited preparing and looking forward to our Christmas, I don’t get this Christmas Is just for DC nonsense.

@cptartapp

Miserable isn't it 🤣 but again Id suffer that, cope with that without the added from fil commenting all the time pushing us to thank mil and say how much we appreciate the Tesco canapés.
Again we've sat in the cold, because she's only put the heating on for one hour.
It feels undignified somehow?

Like someone is telling us how much effort they went to to save money on our gift but pushes for profuse thanks at the same time?
It's that combination I find hard.

When we have tried not to go it really has caused upset.

DH granny ringing him asking him why,sister pushing him...lots of comments about how men don't bother with their own parents when they marry etc.

This. I mean grumbling about Sainsbury’s canapés?!

If you don’t enjoy it OP don’t spend Christmas Day there and catch up with them afterwards.

So what if their is uproar if you don’t go? You want to have a nice, relaxed time and yet your MiL silly behaviour over canapés and presents, makes it all seem really unpleasant for you. So what’s the point of going?

If you are damned if you do go and damned if you don’t go, you might as well stay at home and just enjoy the day on your terms!

And you don’t need canapés to have a good time!