Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

💐💐 to those who have this issue at Xmas.

Calphunenia

Yes we offered to bring food a few years ago and it was like an insult to mil. Of course we take wine, hosting gift, small flowers pot or something.
And I hand it over without giving the backstory of how it was reduced or what money I shaved off.

I don't want them to host at all.

Ah yes, the hypocrisy of buying Sainsbury's canapés and Christmas gifts in the 3 for 2 deal at Boots, but not wanting to wear a jumper with a hole in it 🤣

OP has said the year she offered to bring anything her IL’s were horrified and refused. You can’t turn up with food if you’ve been told not to it’s rude.

The IL’s sound hard work.

I would not go. And if people ring up and berate you I’d berate them back at how awful they’re being knowing how difficult IL’s find it hosting you financially and now these relatives calling you will cause embarrassment to the IL’s as you’ve had to spell out that PIL’s can’t afford to host you and give you gifts as it’s too expensive but do so to save face when you go to theirs.

And I wouldn’t give a damn. Id enjoy Christmas (or any day) where you’re wanted and welcomed and loved.

If my MIL gave lovely artisan biscuits to everyone else and smart price custard creams to us I would feel a bit put out after a few examples.

Exactly! It's the two tier meanness that would be so irritating. I like other posters' suggestion that you say Christmas would be too expensive for them so you are staying at home. If the pressure to attend is too much, then definitely say no presents for adults. I expect MIL has already bought something nasty she has earmarked for you months ago but stand firm on that. And do something nice at home on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Oh yes, and do a bingo card of predictable things she will say. Have a secret swig from a hip flask, every time she says something like, 'have a luxury vol au vent from the wholesaler. I spent 5 hours driving there rather than going to the supermarket'.

Couldn’t have put it better myself 😂😂😂

Of course if you are so lowly as to buy from Sainsburys (which I personally find to be quite expensive) then you should be walking around in tattered rags!

Why is their demands for Christmas more important than yours? Stay home. Have a Christmas you enjoy. Why the fuck do people accept such a rubbish day?
She is an adult. Let her strop that you aren't going. What's the worst that can happen?
Grow a pair op!!

Have you read "Toxic In Laws" by Susan Forward? They sound like The Controllers. Especially your comment about treating you a bit like children.

Brief description here, if it rings any bells then I'd recommend getting the book:

www.bustle.com/articles/200805-9-types-of-toxic-in-laws-and-how-to-spot-them-in-the-wild

Surely business entertaining is paid for by the company?
Is your mil a closet Seventh Day Adventist?
Try outdoing her in the look what I got in 3 for 2 deals.

but....She is probably of the generation that believes in being financially cautious. My DC are always telling me to spend more, while I believe in planning and being prepared for unexpected big bills and future care costs down the line.

@Calphurnia88 its not the gift though it’s being given a gift and being told it was bought because it saved money.
I you do that when gift giving, stop it. Just give the gift and smile. Don’t make the recipient feel like a burden or a poor relation who should be grateful for stuff you got in the sale because you don’t think they’re worth buying for.

I would take warm blankets and slippers, bring lots of chocolate and open it and put in out, make everyone a big mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows and squirty cream, bring a game, a board of charcuterie and a lot of the kids’ presents. Then settle in. I would throw in ‘we must make the most of it, no one is getting any younger’ and give a tinkly laugh.

Does your DP want to go? How do your DC feel about it?

My FIL does the overpraising of MIL to elicit more praise from other people, so I think I understand what you mean here. It is odd and weirdly controlling (which fits with a wider more obviously unpleasant MO). DH can't stand either of them, and when they started their nasty games with DC - that was it. LC - VLC now.

Yes I do think she's proud of her saving money skill's solely with us at Xmas and I find that depressing as well.

Books, they have a large house in expensive part of the country, she's just had eye wateringly expensive kitchen put in based on some expensive brand, the sparkling porches in the drive....she has her designer shoes on the shoe rack and gives us these gifts eg the boots set in a boutique style bag from fancy looking brand that she keeps when she buys herself stuff.
I can't think of brand's she has done but it's like here is your boot's gift in a small Gucci bag.

There's a saying for this, isn't there? Oscar Wilde I think it was, and he was probably talking about someone like your MIL.

"Someone who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing."

OP screw the family upset. Your DH needs to put his foot down and say you want to start your own family traditions with your kids.

There’s nothing wrong with that at all. I’m telling you life will become so much easier. Or give your DH the option of going over there while you stay home with the kids and have a magical Christmas together while he shivers over the Sainsbury’s.

And if she’s fishing for compliments on her tree just say “oh yes Scrooge it is very nice but the one in (insert local shop/attraction here) is just gorgeous it really made me feel festive. But yours is nice too.”

The hardest thing to do with in laws like that is hold firm. Once you do it once it becomes easier. And your kids deserve a magical Christmas. They deserve the happy memories. Not the half empty sticker books and misery.

Absolutely spot on

I just wouldn't go OP, let your DH deal with the fallout

I would say your children want to stay in their own home for Christmas with their toys, but we can pop round for a drink and a mince pie on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day.

And I would also say that you won’t be buying for the adults anymore, just a family gift.

Start making your own Christmas memories. Life is too short to be miserable on Christmas Day. And I couldn’t be doing with their nonsense and penny pinching.

I’d have them to yours instead - at least you can have the food you want & the heating on. Lie to MIL and tell her you either:
a) bought everything last year half price in Jan & have had it in the freezer
b) you won it all in a raffle for a 50p ticket
c) were given the contents of your trolley for free for being the 1 millionth customer

If you do go to theirs, use a stock ‘Lovely’ for anything that requires gushing and nothing else. Count up how many ‘Lovelys’ you say & convert them to chocolates or drinks!
Hasn’t MIL done the tree beautifully? Yes, lovely. - take large drink

Cant think how else to get through it!

The last paragraph should be everybody’s mantra.

Christmas should be fun and the way you want it,not dictated by some tightwad relatives who will be “so upset” by not having their miserable way. Sod that.

@Outdoorable

Interesting!
I've never encountered this before at all!

Why do you think they do it?

I don't feel my fil does it out of pride,he certainly doesn't gaze at the tree as if he is genuinely admiring it's beauty! It feels very much like a big push and he does it over everything.
I think dp is just conditioned and used to it?
Unfortunately he also has panic's about Xmas, I think his natural nature is generous but he has hangovers from his upbringing.
I think he feels obliged to go and whilst he doesn't smile there or seem to be having any fun whatever, that is Xmas to him.
I think the year we tried not to go he was happy about that but agreed with relatives it's one day.
Yes I suppose we are meek and soppy.

I also feel pressure for DC to be around wider family but pp made a good point that my DC deserve good Xmas memories!

All the passive aggressive comments and 'games' are just stupid. Just go and make the most of it, or don't go.

Honestly half the "problems" on Mumsnet could be solved eith that attitude.

You don’t need ‘coping strategies’, it’s not war zone PTSD, just don’t go.

@ChristmasJoysuckers
I want to ask you something which is going to sound really tactless but is meant kindly (honestly) !
Do you think there is a class difference between your PsIL and you?

What does your dh think about it all, is that what it's always been like for him?

I'd say 'wow' or 'wow, thanks' to everything
Isn't the Xmas tree wonderful - wow
Here's your discounted gift - wow thanks

See how many times you can say it

This is why since DD was born we’ve made it very clear we will be spending every Christmas in our own home. The doors are open to whoever wants to come - but I want her to wake up in her own bed, be able to open her stocking, and for me to get up at a leisurely pace rather than being forced to get dressed and into socialising mode straight away.

Christmas is about children and I find it depressing when they have a quiet day at a stingy older relatives house because ‘Arthur and Doris dont like noise/drinking/telly/sitting about in pyjamas’.

Just don't go. Have your own Christmas at home the way you want it, with music and Waitrose canapés and no telling people how much of a bargain their present was.