Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

Your options are

1. say you want to stay home this year and start your own Christmas traditions. You’ll visit Boxing Day. Accept the barrage of calls and just keeping repeating that there’s no problem, you just want to start your own traditions.

2. go, avoid the barrage of calls but accept a miserable Christmas Day.

You sound as awful as one another. Your superiority in false humbleness is hard to read!
Just agree no adult presents. Or say you can't afford to go?!

I think I’d be doing a positive LFT on Christmas Day. 🤣🤣🤣💐

When my husband and I married (33 years ago) we made a point of not doing the family Christmas thing every year.
We mixed it up.

• Sometimes just the two of us at home
• sometimes with friends at oirs or theirs
• sometimes with his parents at their place
• sometimes with mine
• sometimes away overseas

we did this until parents became too elderly and then it changed a bit, but was nearly always nice because we talked about it and managed expectations. It seems, for whatever reason, you cannot do this, so my suggestion would be either back out and spend time how you want to or stop complaining about things. It seems as if you, and they, know the cost of everything, and the value of nothing. Sorry but this is tedious, childish and just a tiny bit déclassé. 🙄😜

I've no idea why people are wilfully misreading, presumably so they can delight in announcing that you're a snob, but such is MN, some people just post so they can stick the boot in from the safety of their sofas and the anonymity of a MN account.

I do find the last part of this ironic, given the topic/entire content of this thread 😂

I don't think OP is a snob, but another PP put it well; It seems as if you, and they, know the cost of everything, and the value of nothing.

Perhaps PIL are bringing out the worst in OP, but I can see no good coming from her spending another Christmas with them.

Just don't go. Honestly. Don't go. Life is too short. It sounds fucking miserable. It's one day. Spend it your way. Sounds like she would be relieved if you didn't anyway.

I have the same issue. Every gift is a transaction. We get a 50 budget which is very generous but you'd think they were funding our lifestyle for a year. Dp once asked for jeans as his xmas present so went shopping and mil bought them. On their return she made this massive gift giving drama about giving him, a grown adult, £2 because the jeans were only 48.
We get talked through the discounts and the offers she used and how she hadn't spent as much money on us as it looks like (it doesnt).
Choosing from a menu and the prices of our choices is always discussed, as well as the size of the meal and do we really need that much and we probably won't need to eat tonight if we eat that for lunch. I just always order the cheapest soup or salad now but she always notes gleefully that ive chosen sensibly. (it's not even a common occurrence, maybe once every 3 years)
I do wonder if she's being financially abused by her very quiet and boring (but rich) husband and she passes the behaviour on to us. Its very awkward.

If someone gave me gifts then went on about how they’d got them in the sales whilst bragging about the expensive stuff they were spending on, I’d feel self conscious and uncomfortable.

I’d hate to be given (bragged about ) cheap gifts in designer bags, and being told they were cheap gifts.

it would make me feel like the giver felt it a massive burden to buy me a gift, clearly didn’t care or put any thought or love into the gift and was just saving face by begrudgingly buying me generic tat for the sake of it.

I’d rather they didn’t and saved their money.

Oh god @continueorterminate I’d never go out for a meal with anyone who behaved like that. Or I’d pay or insist we all pay for ourselves then proceed to order lobster and steak.

Ehh maybe it's just me but don't see the humour in your posts, sorry. I see someone who dislikes everything about their in-laws and is getting a kick out of slagging them off with strangers online. But to each their own...
Maybe it's just me but don't see the humour in your posts, sorry. I see someone who has decided to dislike OP's & is getting a kick out of slagging her off with strangers online. But each to their own @Calphurnia88

If they're really as insufferable as you say they are (and I'll admit they sound like hard work), then don't go - the only other 'coping strategies' you've been given can be filled under passive-aggressive, which always sound much better in hypothetical Mumsnet scenarios than they do in the real world.
If OP is really as insufferable as you say she is, why bother going on her thread?

Life is far too short to spend it with people who make you miserable - particularly at Christmas, and particularly with children - and children are the perfect excuse for having a small family Christmas at home.
Life is far too short to spend it making miserable posts to people you've decided to misrepresent.

Well aren't you a clever sausage 🤣

I haven't said that OP is insufferable - at worst I've said she sounds a bit grabby for being disappointed by her rich relatives onlu forking out on Sainsbury's canapés (and being money focused generally). I've actually agreed that PIL sound hard work, have very bad gifting etiquette and that Christmasses there sound terrible.

What I don't understand is why OP, as a grown adult with a family of her own, is insistent on going, despite continuing to provide a multitude of (valid) reasons why she shouldn't 😕

If OP hadn't described her PiL's xmas style in detail, none of us would be able to understand her MiL's antics @Calphurnia88

You are attributing 'grabby' motivations where they don't exist.
It's entirely reasonable to notice the disparity between the hosting MiL provides to others & what she offers OP & DH. Especially as MiL goes out of her way to be so performative about the cost of everything & constantly demands to be applauded for it.

I think what people may not be getting is that there may be alot of unspoken messaging involved here too eg my friends mil bestows great affection on some grandchildren and not on others eg the children of my friend who is her less favoured dil. She also immediately discards her presents, looks and then sets them down with no thanks or interest shown, but raves about other gifts.

I am in a friend's group of 3. One friend in this group will buy less value gifts in a shop like argos. No offence argos, but she gets gifts from boden, white company , jigsaw which we know she prefers. Sadly I think she does this deliberately, not because of the gift giving as such but other things that are said or done around it.

My brother and SIL did this, showing off their own stuff and lording it over. Lead up comments while we were there "where are you going on holiday" whilst being aware I was getting divorced or skint, just knowing she wouldn't even wait for my answer before leaping in with "oh Martin, will you tell her or will I, well were so excited we are going to America and we'll we have been 3 times before but you just can't do it all in a few visits..." blah blah blah. Literally any excuse to just BRAG. Oh the private schools the kids go because they are so clever (not actually! They even lied about their exam results). In the end we dreaded being with them, it was so stressful trying to remain polite and cordial. Our relationship ended when they tried to scam me over our dad's will, telling me I wasn't in it so they could pocket my share. I took brother to court and we will never speak again. I do not miss those awful get togethers one iota.

I've planned to take my dogs out for a walk. Then cook a dinner and share it with my dogs lol..

@ChristmasJoysuckers
I hope you can have a good Christmas with your family without this selfish mil upsetting you and your family.

Believe me life Is far to short to spend time with people who have no respect for you or your family.

I don't understand this post. On one hand frugul xmas' are great for you and DP - you like the festivities and fun about christmas. You make what money you have make the best xmas. You don't have to go there every year to your in-laws. On the other hand, you seem demeaned by the fact that she does not spend 'loads of money on your family @ Xmas' (because they re v.v. comfortably well off) .... sort of a double standard. Do your own christmas 'thing' ... I agree about the sticker book ... that's just wrong!!! I wouldn't make remarks like your MIL regarding the 'offers' ... she has it 'wrong' but maybe she is just trying to make you feel as if you 'fit on'.. It's all very odd. Is it because they have 'perceived money' you think it should be spent on You and Your family? Maybe I just read the whole thing wrong. Stay at home have a great xmas with your DP, music lights and season of goodwill.

It seems pretty easy to understand to me.

The OP explains they have no issue with frugality, where it is done for a reason, no one goes on and on about it and everyone behaves like a normal person who simply wants to have an enjoyable day with family.

This is not what the OP's PIL seem to want to do - they're exercising special frugality (or meanness if you like) toward OP and family, AND banging on and on about the price of everything or whatever saving could be made and how much effort was gone to to achieve this.

Thats unfun, thats cringetastic, crass, skin-crawling and frankly, fucking rude.

It isn't the sum of money spent that is the real issue, it is the attitude and behaviour that goes along with it that causes the problem.

It depends how much you value your mental health and happiness. Being in such a negative environment would impact you, your children and affect your interactions with your in-law. IMHO, don’t go, you are doing past positive and negative comparisons. This is drawing your energy. 😥

its in bad taste to talk about how much everything did or didnt cost. it totally takes the joy out of everything. Its grim and depressing.

YANBU Op. it’s not the frugality that’s the issue. It’s the constant references just to you about the 3for2 offers or reduced price items. If she told EVERYONE about the great deal price she got when buying other gifts it wouldn’t stand out as much

@KettrickenSmiled

Thanks for your comments 😃.
For this year at least I feel braced to go into Mils immersive theatre production to play Shepardess 🤣.

And yes this thread was about garnering tips and thoughts,it's not in aibu .

Hopefully this year really will be the end of it.

Oh Lord, I finally sat down and read the whole thread. Please disregard my earlier comments entirely - you guys have the patience of a saint going round every year! Honest to god, I wouldn’t be able to do the same, I’d have long since started having it at home (we want to make Christmas memories as a family) and maybe popped over on Boxing Day or something. And the ensuing comments would stop after a few years 😄

Two words; drinking. game.

Provided you're not driving and DC are old enough for you to get a little merry, I would suggest that you and DH have a cheeky sip of bubbly (and a sly glance) everytime MIL says BOGOF or FIL asks you to admire her vol au vents.

Good luck OP, and sorry for giving you a hard time ❤️

The joy is in your attitude, @HeddaGarbled. I'm sure you have a happy and joyful Christmas - it's the OP's in-laws attitude that sounds so joyless - and it's pretty horrible of them to operate such an obvious two-tier system, where some people get the expensive food and presents, and the OP and her family get the budget, yellow-stickered food and BOGOF presents - or worse, presents for a child with bits missing!

Ah yes, I do understand exactly what this is like. I have some very well-off family. They are pensioners, but their 'pension' is well over £100K a year and they are mortgage free, no big outgoings. But when they come to visit us (they live abroad), you wouldn't know it. There is weeks and weeks of watching airfares go up and down on different routes, lots of hand wringing, several rounds of conversations about how if only the flights would go down by another £200, they'd book, then they do book and it's like a 3-leg journey that takes an extra 6 hours than if they had just booked non-stop because it saved a bit of money.

Then there is a whole lot of fuss every time about short stopovers and they may not make their flight, bags get lost, they end up arriving late and miss their train and have to re-buy new tickets, and there is a lot of huffing and puffing when they arrive about what a horrible journey it was! Every time, I just want to be like 'you bring in £8000 a month and have no major expenses. Pay an extra £500 for a bloody non-stop flight and hire a car to collect you from the airport and literally deposit you at our door!'

But they are the sort of people where everything is about money. And it's so tough to be rich. One year at Christmas dinner, one of them piped up with how stressful it is to pay taxes on his £200+ salary and how people on nmw should feel grateful they don't have all that stress because they get to keep proportionately more of their earnings. And then carried on eating his parsnips while the rest of us just listened to the crickets chirping and wished the floor would open to swallow us up. We don't have them for Christmas anymore, so that solved that problem going forward.