Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

If you’re asking if anyone here has some magic solution that will change your in-laws, the answer is no, there isn’t one, this is who they are now and they won’t change.

Personally if you’re insistent on going there for Christmas I’d make a game of it - if M&S canapés were that important to me I’d take some along “here you go MIL, I thought I’d treat us all, I know how much you like these as I’ve notice you serve them to your business clients”, “our gifts were 2 for 1 at Boots, amazing… yours is from a charity shop as I know how much you appreciate a bargain”.

'She does it like she's doing us this massive favour.'

Change your mindset. She won't change. Try and find nice things about her and enjoy the day so that it's nicer for everyone.

Or don't go!

OK, so you're choosing to go even tho it makes you unhappy. So that's your choice, stop whinging about it. It's a freely made choice.

Please don't do this.

I don’t think that at all. My parents can be similar but other relatives who have much less money, make Christmas seem so special and are so thoughtful. Christmas is about creating that warm, cosy feeling (for me it is anyway) and I can never understand my parents talking about not bothering with a tree, lights or many presents.

They laugh at me for buying my children so much because they take pride in being frugal. I just find that really disappointing. It’s not about the money, it’s about the thought and love that goes into it. It’s taking the time to make people feel special. I wouldn’t care but I spend £100 per child, which is a lot to me but the way they talk it’s an obscene amount and makes me feel guilty.

It sounds horrible, op. Honestly just don't go. I think what I'm getting is that MIL is trying to set you a good example. How you should be living on your reduced budget.

She sounds quite arrogant and aggressive. Don't spend Xmas with them.

I don't think they are doing anything wrong. It's just different to yours.

Agree not to buy adults presents so just buy for children.

Being handed a boots set with someone proudly telling me how they got it buy one get one half price feels different to someone else just giving it? I liked the set but didn't enjoy receiving it if that makes sense?

If you liked the present what’s the problem? I don’t like people spending a lot of money on me and I’m up for a bargain. Boots is a step up from TK Maxx.

I had an aunt who gave us the most bizarre things for Christmas - but the fact is she bothered and I was always grateful for that even if they ended up in a charity shop.

You just seem superfixated on money and brands. I don’t think your attitude is any more in the spirit of Christmas than your PILs.

I would do this too. Say how she always me tions how much it costs so you are worried about the impact on them

Invite them to yours instead. No adult presents. Sorted

Oh yes the many thank yous! The being reminded to be grateful to my parents every two minutes!

What does your husband say about it?
I wouldn’t go. Why spoil your family’s Christmas just to keep his family happy.

Why go at all if it’s so joyless? Make other plans. And why do you have to make a song and dance with such profuse thanks and making out the tree/ canapés or whatever are the best things you’ve ever seen? What’s wrong with a simple ‘thanks’ or ‘it’s nice’ without the excessive praise - if it’s not genuine? Do yourself a favour and do your own thing a Christmas.

@cptartapp

I think it must be scary to actually be a pensioner and not know what will happen, credit crisis, cost of living crisis etc.

But what I can't get my head around is that it's one day for fairly small group.
Let's say no expensive Champagne, nothing extravagant,it's a roast with some extras.
Would that really financially cripple well off pensioners?

One day in a year of frugality?
I work with some older people who could be retired and they're putting on what I would call a normal Xmas.
Nothing flash at all, but fairly decent gift's for GC decent food and they are so excited about it all and taking pleasure in it.
And I know they have worried about heating costs etc.

For some people, saving money is almost an obsession or habit. They have to money-tirese (is that a word) everything.

While I don’t think you should be making moral judgements (‘stingy’, ‘joyless’) over things that are just a matter of taste, it’s clearly not working for you because you both have incompatible tastes in Christmas.

You have a choice. Either accept that this is what they are like, tolerate it as pleasantly as you can and do your own thing on another day, or do your own Christmas and see them on a different day.

You don’t have any obligation to do actual Christmas Day with relatives if it doesn’t work for you. This clearly doesn’t and you’re not going to change them. Nobody’s idea of the perfect Christmas is ‘right’ but yours is as valid as theirs.

But don’t continue to go to them with this attitude of eye rolling and judging. It sounds like it doesn’t make for a very pleasant atmosphere and this is on you as well as them.

OP won’t like that though. She wants her £20-50 presents she just doesn’t want to know it was a bogof. (With her attitude I’m thinking maybe it was).

This is just how they are, you won't be able to change it. Don't go and dont invite them to yours, you say it will cause upset, but you are happy to upset yourself by going. Do you go every year?

I would just laugh and say “Great to hear how cheap our pressies were MIL, Why not just leave the price tag on so that we can all marvel at your scrimping skills?”

But overall, you won’t be able to change their general behaviour. What happens if you swoop in and DH puts some music on and opens a bottle of bubbles (brought with you)? We never behave like polite ‘stranger guests’ in our parents’ homes.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

You don't go.

The 'massive upset' to control you is all part of the MO.

Sounds like she is playing some kind of nasty game - of course she/they will kick off when you stop playing.

I imagine OP is complaining about Sainsbury’s canapés as MIL buys more expensive ones for others.
Christmas is usually a time when you splash out a bit. I know when we’ve had people for Christmas we spend money and especially make sure everyone is well fed and lots of choice.

My MIL would spend ALL Christmas Day going on about the ‘gluttony’ and how we all needed to go to diets and needed to stop ‘stuffing our faces’. There would be very very little food served . Moaning whenever you ate anything (even some cereal for breakfast). It brings down the mood and spoils the whole thing. All that negative chatter makes everyone feels down.

Urgh. These threads where Christmas is such a chore. Just stay home. Ignore the pettiness and don't let it bother you.

BTW I think you are probably looking back at your childhood Christmases with rose tinted glasses and im sure your DPs arent the perfect Xmas hosts you remember them to be. Concentrate on giving your kids a decent Xmas, of the type you remember.

I just couldn’t get worked up about this, the only bother is the cold house and if food was actually terrible. My MIL is shit at cooking and can turn organic Waitrose veg and meat in to tasteless mush.

Mirabai what am I supposed to say though when she happily says how she got my gift on offer?

It puts me in an awkward position because I feel like being polite and saying " what a bargain mil, I'm so glad you were able to make considerable savings whilst buying my gift"

But I feel that's undignified to myself to congratulate mil on the savings she made buying my gift?

Yes, it’s monetise 🙂

Buy their gifts from Poundland. Proudly show them how you used the carrier bag as gift wrap.
Or
Stay home and deal with the upset by switching your phones off over Christmas...