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Original poster

Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

363 replies

ChristmasJoysuckers · 03/12/2022 08:14

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

OP posts:
Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 04/12/2022 20:09

Its a bit rad and un-English, I know, but have you actually tried talking to them about it and how it makes you feel?😜

mellicauli · 04/12/2022 20:11

Why don't you ask your husband why he thinks she's like this? Maybe if you understood her better than it would be easier to forgive.

Snoredoeurve · 04/12/2022 20:15

ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 07:55

Season heating,the money/savings theme actually doesn't stop all year,I just find it v hard to tolerate on Xmas day.

There are many things she does which I consider wasteful and it's hard to have to endure this either relentless lesson from her on how to save or her sharing how great she is when saving money.

Bearing in mind she hands over basics from boot's in Gucci types bag's . Xmas for me is atmosphere, people feelings relaxed,off work, happier ish.
An exitement in the air, slightly treating food.... decorations, good music and laughter.

Sounds trite perhaps but whatever my personality circumstances have been it's one day to forget Money worries and loose the reigns. I suppose because she doesn't have this problem that's why she does it.

However if I said to her " mil that's a wonder saving but you do realise your son and I save like this and source things for free 364 days a year? " She would retort " well whose fault is that, fil and I worked hard to get where we are " 😐.

It wouldn't work if I then said it doesn't bother us etc.

@Outdoorable

That's uncanny and I have thought the same things, esp fil getting it in the neck.
He has joked about mil doing this.
My mil has never worked and is a house wife. I wonder if this is why she pushes the savings as if it's a job role?

Same with comments, she said once when I said DC reading coming on " well that's because I sit and read with her". ?? ( Once a month) !! When I'm reading with her and the school daily!

Everything's goes back to her. And she gets the GC to profusely praise her as well.

She gave DD a book and instead of asking " do you like it " where DD might have been able to say...I do but actually,I've already got it! It was " wow what a great book, mil chose that aren't you lucky". So dd plays along and polity thanks her for the book.

Sounds like a toxic family with a MIL at the helm and her DH as crew,stopping the boat rocking.
Everyone has a role in the toxic family and woe betide anyone who steps out of it.
Yours is to be treated like shit as you are not a "real" member of the family.

Present giving is very loaded.
Giving you something small if given genuinely is fine.
Giving you a gift and then telling you how cheap it was is a message to you.
You are not worth my money or time.
Very nasty indeed.
She sounds self centred at best,narcissistic at worst.
There is always a narc who heads the toxic family.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas
Chocolatehamper · 04/12/2022 20:22

Covid is your friend… 2 days before you go, suddenly REALLY ill and couldn’t possibly travel as you wouldn’t want to spoil their otherwise perfect Christmas!

Tigertigertigertiger · 04/12/2022 20:24

Just let it wash over you and have a nice time

Mama1209 · 04/12/2022 20:28

Take your own canapé’s and music lol or maybe arrange a party game?

Naj31 · 04/12/2022 20:28

Just try and enjoy your Christmas instead of complaining. No one could beat my MiL for strange behaviour, but with that came a lot of fun. She’s no longer with us and boy do I miss her. You say several times that you’ve had frugal Christmasses, haven’t we all!. We no longer buy presents for all the family , just a little token for those we’re spending the day with. After all, like your MiL she is hosting. You know what’s coming, just try and enjoy it.

Naj31 · 04/12/2022 20:30

Good point

Naj31 · 04/12/2022 20:31

Tigertigertigertiger · 04/12/2022 20:24

Just let it wash over you and have a nice time

Well said

Naj31 · 04/12/2022 20:33

Snoredoeurve · 04/12/2022 20:15

Sounds like a toxic family with a MIL at the helm and her DH as crew,stopping the boat rocking.
Everyone has a role in the toxic family and woe betide anyone who steps out of it.
Yours is to be treated like shit as you are not a "real" member of the family.

Present giving is very loaded.
Giving you something small if given genuinely is fine.
Giving you a gift and then telling you how cheap it was is a message to you.
You are not worth my money or time.
Very nasty indeed.
She sounds self centred at best,narcissistic at worst.
There is always a narc who heads the toxic family.

Show quote history

Please don’t stir things. Toxic!

Fluffmum · 04/12/2022 20:34

She sounds unhinged. Stay home

PrestonNorthHen · 04/12/2022 20:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

PrestonNorthHen · 04/12/2022 20:42

Sorry clicked wrong post!

earsup · 04/12/2022 20:43

Don't go....i dodge many awful xmas events now with friends. etc....Covid has made a come back....you need to isolate....easy...!!!

Original poster
ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 20:45

@Shewhomustbeobeyed1 hilarious name 😁 well I feel like I'm being prepared for all questions and answers by fil, so no I don't feel I could say how it makes me feel.
She's never enquired after me anyway at all!

@Snoredoeurve again that sounds like a good summation. But it's put me in an uncomfortable position where I do feel rude and ungrateful because I genuinely am grateful that anyone has given me a gift and I have liked what she's got me.
It's the way it's given etc.

It makes me feel rude.
But I also feel indignant on DH behalf, lovely Tu jumper ( I buy clothes from there) but given in a bag from saville row?
If they were classic sort of tom and Barbara type's from the good life... who cares?
They treat everyone the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 20:47

As for trying to put music on or taking food, I would never open the fridge, or touch anything, I feel watched. You can't move freely about the house. DH would never go to the kettle and make a drink.

Oh dear, the more I write the more crystal clear it seems that it's just, hideous.

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 04/12/2022 20:50

ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 20:47

As for trying to put music on or taking food, I would never open the fridge, or touch anything, I feel watched. You can't move freely about the house. DH would never go to the kettle and make a drink.

Oh dear, the more I write the more crystal clear it seems that it's just, hideous.

Oh God, don’t go! You can’t have Christmas somewhere you’re not free to, or comfortable enough to, make a cup of tea or suggest making a round of gin and tonics or whatever – presumably even if you bought a bottle of gin, bottle of tonic and some lemons there’d be eyeballs on you putting it all in the fridge, refilling the ice tray, etc.

Stay home. Fake Covid if you have to but isn’t it convenient you’ve got backup food at home for a full Christmas feast – can’t be too careful.

chaosmaker · 04/12/2022 20:52

Tell everyone in that family you aren't going and you prefer to enjoy it on your own. Say no presents are necessary and that you'll have a great xmas together. Then keep repeating until the day itself is over :)

Catwoman300 · 04/12/2022 21:05

My ex in laws are very wealthy and as miserable as sin. It is miserable to experience and to be around. They are consumed by the cost of everything and expect everyone to buy for them but won't buy for anyone else. They make sure they are comfortable but visitors are subjected to no heating in their bedrooms and are expected to do all the cooking and cleaning. Alcoholic drinks are counted to make sure they aren't 'taken'.

It is a draining and miserable experience to be around. Your inlaws sound similar, count the cost of everything and choosy about what they'll spend on others unless it is for them. If you're aware of what they spend on others but amend that for you it can appear a bit insulting.

Being kind they might not be trying to lord it up in front of you if they're aware you're not as comfortably off. Still because they're inlaws you maybe have to roll up and endure this kind of christmas , just don't make it every year.

Snoredoeurve · 04/12/2022 21:13

ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 20:45

@Shewhomustbeobeyed1 hilarious name 😁 well I feel like I'm being prepared for all questions and answers by fil, so no I don't feel I could say how it makes me feel.
She's never enquired after me anyway at all!

@Snoredoeurve again that sounds like a good summation. But it's put me in an uncomfortable position where I do feel rude and ungrateful because I genuinely am grateful that anyone has given me a gift and I have liked what she's got me.
It's the way it's given etc.

It makes me feel rude.
But I also feel indignant on DH behalf, lovely Tu jumper ( I buy clothes from there) but given in a bag from saville row?
If they were classic sort of tom and Barbara type's from the good life... who cares?
They treat everyone the same.

The thing is op you cant change them, only your own behaviour.
Either adjust your expectations and don't let it bother you or don't go.
From experience, they are trying to provoke you into snapping back or being rude and then they will be able to make you out to be an ungrateful horror.
Don't rise to it and just have a handful or phrases to keep you neutral( neither for or against)

Original poster
ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 21:17

Well my only retaliation so far has been to step back from present direction to DH.
I'e I used to be the one encouraging him to push the boat out a little more, it's your parents,it's Christmas. But after his and her flat reception of gifts....one year I did hit fils jack pot, twice in fact .

One year was a book about trains! He took it deeply seriously and didn't talk for the rest of the evening instead occasionally saying to mil about different train route's 🤣

And another time I got him some food he liked but mil took complete charge of it and rationed it.
Strangely although our gifts are always from DH and I, I am never acknowledged as the giver?

So I have stepped back the last few years but DH does his best and it's frowned upon.

OP posts:
MatronicO6 · 04/12/2022 21:18

ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 20:47

As for trying to put music on or taking food, I would never open the fridge, or touch anything, I feel watched. You can't move freely about the house. DH would never go to the kettle and make a drink.

Oh dear, the more I write the more crystal clear it seems that it's just, hideous.

That is so awkward. It is horrendous staying in a home when you don't feel at home.

Are your kids comfortable there?

Original poster
ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 21:22

Well put it this way, if my DP had given her /. them something they already had they would be comfortable to say....oh it's so lovely but I already have it. And it would be no problem, at, all.
It's hard to say, they don't seem particularly miserable but certainly not relaxed and happy!

Pils say, how is school but don't ask about anything else, eg one year we had just done Disney Christmas and they didn't ask a single thing about it. My dp on phone etc where really excited asking them all about it.

I'm going to watch them more closely this year..

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 21:39

@Snoredoeurve

DH is adept at this he is very neutral with them and gives them minimal information.

I'm a natural talker and I don't like being dishonest.

OP posts:
Icantfindmykeys · 04/12/2022 22:18

Omg I literally live this!!! Escape and stay at home if you can it’s wonderful.

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