Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

I'm not sure where the dishonesty comes in ??
I'm talking about not feeding the bear.
Stop giving information that they can hijack or criticise .
You say you don't want to be rude so simply thank them and don't rise to the comments.

I would stay at home! Open a bottle of wine and chill out let them call over for a visit or call to them that morning and go again

She doesn't sound especially nice. Does your DH feel like a valued member of his family?

I'd stay clear and do my own thing. Is, they may not like you for it but life is too shirt.

It might be that she's trying (clumsily) to identify and make you feel comfortable. Knowing someone else is skint can bring out a more frugal side of someone if they are worried that visible displays of wealth will seem like showing off.

I feel awful now because I think I've inadvertently done this to my sister who has fallen on hard times after my narcissistic BIL has run off with another woman. They came to stay and are fussy eaters. We had fallen out of the habit of entertaining and I was on a VLCD. But also I didn't want her or her new bf to feel uncomfortable. As a result I did really basic food - chicken and chips. It was noticeably less foodie than I would normally serve to guests.

Try to think that she may have kind motives, albeit misguided. Most people aren't that mean.

If you scratch beneath the surface you’ll find there’s a reason why these people are well off! It’s because they’re mean!

Not gone through the whole thread so sure this has already been addressed but could it be that she doesn’t want you to feel bad (but getting it horribly, horribly wrong)?

Like making great pains to make you feel like you don’t owe them anything because you couldn’t afford what they could if they didn’t shop around for bargains?

I’m not sure if I’m explaining myself very well though.

So, if you only got them something worth £30 every year because that’s your budget, but they bought you something worth £60 because that’s theirs, some people might feel bad because they’d never be able to splash out in the same way. I’ve seen it where they’ve become resentful because they feel like they’re constantly being shown up by the ‘richer’ relatives, like there’s some tally being kept.

That’s obviously not what you’re doing or how you feel but the inverse of that is a richer relative worrying that you might feel that way and doing everything they can to mitigate that by buying cheap so you never feel beholden.

That would be their issue entirely and they may indeed have been congratulating themselves all these years for how well they handle this sensitive subject. You sound like you have a clear head on about the real value of things (with generosity of spirit and love being most important, as it should be), whereas they may be more concerned with the value of money and those invisible tallies.

Anywho, maybe they are just a family of miserable Scroogey skinflints…but just wanted to put out the possibility that it could be a very misplaced, wrongheaded way of trying to make you feel better. By people who have zero clue.

Oh dear it sounds awful. I also wanted to say don't go, but you said it's not possible. So I'd go, but stay as little as possible (arrive late, leave early), and act simply uninterested in explanations about price and costs. For gifts and food, I'd simply say thank you and move on. Not act impressed or anything. It might even catch her off-guard. If it's a 3-for-2 or reduced present, and it was made clear that it's great that she could save on your food and gifts, then I'd treat the presents &c accordingly. There's a term called "grey rocking" and I think it could work here.

I understand completely up I'm the youngest of six and we had very little money but Christmas was always magical which was entirely down to my lovely mum. She loved Christmas and we always had one good present each and a stocking with sweets etc. The minute we got back from midnight mass mum would have the bacon and eggs on, the tin of Roses open and a glass of sherry or port the only time of year we had alcohol in the house. My parents worked hard to make it special for us and when I look back now I just remember the sheer joy. Once you've experienced that it must be very uncomfortable for you to be with people who don't believe in joy.

It’s strange, all the rich people I know are tight! Ex in Laws just gave my 14 year old the same cheap make up box they gave her last year and the same as their 7 year old step-granddaughter. 🤔 They are very comfortably off and have a seaside home in a very naice location in southern England. If there was any thought there it would be a nicer touch. They only see DD once a year but make more effort to see the step-grandkids. She also makes DD very uncomfortable by mentioning how much her boobs have grown every year since puberty. A book or board game would be much better received. Rich people are rich because (IME) they are selfish.

I'd start by being yourself. Thank her what you think is a usual and appropriate amount. Not all this glorifying her like she's God just because she wants you to.

Don't bother trying to buy her approval with good presents, it won't work. Get token presents. You're broke and she's nasty. If you've spare cash spend it on yourself! Pull her up on bad behaviour. If she disses your present tell her not to be so rude or you'll stop buying her one. If she sulks let her and totally ignore it. If she's rude and disrespectful, go home.

You don't deserve to be treated like this. If she doesn't like you and is only inviting you out of duty then it's best she stops. If she's inviting you because she wants adoration off people she's treating badly and you're giving it to her, of course she's not going to want you to stop coming!

It's not her decision though. She's your DH mum and he doesn't seem like he enjoys her company or wants to spend Christmas with her if he's having to grey-rock her the whole time you're there.

It's so weird when you say you tried to stop visiting but couldn't. As if you have no control over your own lives. She's manipulating you both with her tantrums. You don't have to let her. There's nothing she can do about it if you decide to stay home, other than have a tantrum. One you won't be there to see!

This. OP I think it’s you that’s the snob/obsessed with money, sorry. Does it really matter what you’re given and where it comes from (wtf is wrong with sainsburys canapés too?!) Yeh they sound weird/annoying making a weird deal of things but you are equally making a deal of it and you are equally lacking in Christmas spirit. Its not about the material things is it OP.

@ChristmasJoysuckers
I'm on my own for this Christmas first time in a long time.
I'm dreading it. The way you're dreading seeing you're mil I wouldn't go stay home with your family and have a lovely family Christmas.
Or is it not possible to go see your parents for a few days?.

Believe me life is far to short to spending time with people who make you miserable.

Get your husband on board and just tell them this year is going to be different just you and your family.

If you've saved all year round for a lovely Christmas have the Christmas day YOU Want with your family.
Don't let this selfish woman upset you any more.

Christmas isn't just about presents the true meaning of Christmas has been lost a long time ago.

But make it about your children having good happy fun memories for their future.

I'd get their son to call and be horribly terribly apologetic but one of you has a vile lurgy and theres a good chance each of you will get it and that will mean you can't come so better to bow out now than disappoint nearer the time.

It sounds a frustrating and deeply irritating experience and not one I'd take part in. I've no idea why people are wilfully misreading, presumably so they can delight in announcing that you're a snob, but such is MN, some people just post so they can stick the boot in from the safety of their sofas and the anonymity of a MN account.

It’s the disparity that’s key. Come to the stately homes thread on the relationships board for help and advice from people who understand

Just wanted to say I feel like I could have written half this myself! My MIL I avoid like the plague. Thinks nothing of a £15k cruise but gave me a cheap looking plain and boring magenta pink long sleeved top (in summer) in a size too big, for my 40th birthday, whilst pregnant so unwearable even more so. Looked it up and it was a <£10 clearance item on website too! Also wrapped in a posh bag 😂. They gift each other ridiculous ££ items (eg Dyson air wrap) yet can’t understand why we would spend money on nice organic vegetables or artisan bread that actually taste nice and make our eating at home more enjoyable (we don’t get out with 2 young kids). I always feel on edge around her and like I am being interrogated. Our coping strategy is to have a quiet Xmas on our own and see them afterwards. They suck the joy out of any occasion. Thankfully my DP sees this and feels the same 😆

I was always told treat others as you wish to be treated but it does get tiresome when that is never reciprocated. I just therefore minimise the contact and what I tell them too. So your own thing and don’t let them suck the joy from your life.

Stop adult presents altogether! Who actually wants them really? Xmas presents are more for kids.

And DEFINITELY switch them to Boxing Day, you're entitled to spend Xmas by yourselves! Create new traditions for your own lovely family

Fake COVID

OP, you are analysing the PIL’s behaviour to the Nth degree. It is obvious you don’t want to go (and I don’t blame you) so just don’t.

Please just come down with norovirus before you are supposed to go and stay at home. There’s clearly no fun to be had so don’t go. I’d also state that there’s no adult Christmas presents from now on (it might be too late for this year) so the competitive scrimping can’t continue.

Life is too short for this weird shit.

Actually realised that you didn’t complain about lack of booze, that was a different poster. Apologies, have asked MN to delete.

@Brackensmomma

I hope you manage to have at the very least a relaxing day watching something's good.

On Xmas board a few people alone ,there may even be a thread planned?

Unfortunately I don't celebrate Christmas, but Hanukkah. But your PiL sound awful. I was lucky mine lived abroad. Merry Christmas to all of you.

Did she grow up in a poorer household? Perhaps it’s a mindset developed during childhood when she wasn’t as comfortable as the present day?

Stay home and do your own thing as a family. Ignore the upset and enjoy the day. Christmas is once a year, you don't need for it to be negative.