Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

I think "Christmas Joy Suckers" says it all. The theme of being the best money saver or bargain hunter is one I had to put up with in a close relative. They have this martyred and higher moral ground air about them, coupled with a kind of sneer as though you are profligate for spending 2p more on your Christmas dates and that "It's all very well for you..." They can make you feel miserable in a second. I feel for you about not having any music as well.
I really would put your foot down this year and tell DP that you deserve a break and really have dreamed of a lovely Christmas at home with just the two of you.

Hello bunny and move over, I've got an aunt and uncle like this, certainly not as well off as my in law's by a long shot but certainly at a stage in life cash to wear sedentary clothes and not worry about money.
They certainly enjoy life more than my in law's do and it doesn't change, i'e they just wear very old clothes, buy from charity, worry about money here and there and would give a broken up boots set as a gift!
I'e one child gets the aftershave another the gel.

I think what gets me is that mil and fil purposely change and go down a gear.
With aunt and uncle it's just how they are they don't change.

@Ellyesse

YY!!

That's exactly it!
A sort of morally superior air and yes martyrdom as well!

😂 This is the perfect gift. A part completed puzzle book, but you got it at a discount.

Ehh maybe it's just me but don't see the humour in your posts, sorry. I see someone who dislikes everything about their in-laws and is getting a kick out of slagging them off with strangers online. But to each their own...

If they're really as insufferable as you say they are (and I'll admit they sound like hard work), then don't go - the only other 'coping strategies' you've been given can be filled under passive-aggressive, which always sound much better in hypothetical Mumsnet scenarios than they do in the real world.

Life is far too short to spend it with people who make you miserable - particularly at Christmas, and particularly with children - and children are the perfect excuse for having a small family Christmas at home.

✌🏻

*filed

Tell them you’re staying at home and not to buy you any presents, as you’re aware that they struggle so much with finding things they can afford and you don’t want to be a drain on their finances.

Sounds like they are just blunt about everything but also dry & skewed senses of humour tend to run with money, in my experience.
I would avoid going there for Xmas day if it is such an inconvenience for them to host you & you hate going so much.
Personally we always stay home for all of Xmas, most of the days anyway, but I am disabled so the day itself & the weeks running upto it are so stressful that on Xmas day we stay in PJ’s & don’t do much else other than eat, open presents & play games.
I often fall asleep on the sofa or have to go lay down in bed because I am worn out from it all. The weeks after this time
of year & any other stressful events, even going on holiday for a ‘break’ are spent with me recovering from the event/s 😔

You'd think that if there is anyone they'd want to spoil that it would be their family. And I understand that you don't expect spoiling. I have something similiar with my DM where she'll give a gift but it will also come with a little barb. I've started saying that it's not a present if it comes with an insult and that kinda put a stop to it.
We used to alternate Christmas with my DPs and the ILs but the ILs are just so much more fun and relaxed. Now we just go to the ILs. We let the DC decide where they want to spend Christmas day and that's what they choose. I never looked forward to doing Christmas Day with my DPs and don't have warm memories of childhood Christmases.
Please don't subject your DC to this. Just suggest going over for breakfast, if the distance isn't too far. I wouldn't even be inviting them to yours. You reap what you sow. They're not showing you love, consideration or respect.

@Calphurnia88

No..there is no humour in my posts.

I was hoping ( and that hope was answered) that other people/posters would help me see the humourous side.

Just don't go! Say you want to make your own family traditions, and that your children want to stay in their own home. Job done.

MIL always got shite presents too. Granted she didn't have a lot but she once went away long-haul for several months and brought me back a fucking teatowel...!!!

I never forgot the year at 15 I got half a round of sandwiches and 1/2 a SMALL pork pie for xmas buffet at my nans.
From the age of 6 we took the Suitcase of delights with us. My mum filled it with so many treats and we would say we were going to the park and my Mum would chuck us tuck out of the bedroom window.
I also saw my Dad take Prosecco, he would nod a warning to my mum, who would be by the door with 2 glasses Dad would pop it, fill their glasses then offer it around the room, topping up their own glasses first. it got to be a game.

Just don't profusely thank or praise her. Be authentic and give a polite but honest reply. For a basic gift that has shown no thought - a thank you suffices. For a platter from Tesco's, you can mention you have bought similar for kids parties etc and they do the job when you need party food.

I have friends like that…. I call then cash rich and class poor. Just return the behaviour in the same coin. Some people will play rich with rich people and cheap with not so rich. Its stupid

Life’s too short, don’t go if it’s that bad. If she wants to know why then tell her. Maybe she doesn’t realise it spoils Christmas for you.

OMG this sounds like my parents!!
They're not anyone elses inlaws/grandparents, but it seem they have twins!!

😲

I’m still confused about why you can’t just decline and do something else, see your family or stay at home. So they get upset and then everyone moves on, but you’re not stuck having a miserable time again.

So I guess you either bite the bullet and stay away, or go and be gracious despite their weird habits.

Don't go! Or go more rarely. Give your kids an opp to see a lovely Christmas, at home, with their parents!

Please tell me there is plenty of booze as that’s the only way I would get through what you describe OP.
I’d suggest having Christmas Day on your own as a family and visiting them on Boxing Day with just drinks - doesn’t have to be a meal. It won’t seem so big then.
Also I’d defo pull the Covid card for this year.

@Watchamocauli

I also think that's something to do with it!

I hadn't thought of that.

My dp when they used to host where the same with everyone.

@Spck

Sadly not.
Fil is good at first couple of glasses but it's not alcohol DH or i like.

After 2 he keeps mentioning who will be driving.

I think it sounds miserable - what about meeting Boxing Day instead. What would happen if you suggested everyone going out for Christmas Day dinner?

@Em3978 @cptartapp

Oh pils did this.
Infact we got something in posts with a note to keep the stamp!!
Something within something.

Even if they are not here and send DC a b'day card and it will therefore be late, they send it 2nd class.

It's just so opp to my DP who would be more concerned about it getting there. Unfortunately it's these things that they are convinced have made them rich.
I agree to a certain extent that this way of thinking is good for preserving money but...fil has a great job as well.

Putting a first class stamp on one card once a year for your gc won't bankrupt you!

This is all about DH getting on board and putting his foot down.

Can he just say no and say why?

I think she is trying to make you feel better about your struggling financial situation but it’s coming across wrong. By telling you that she gets everything on offer you won’t think she’s wasting money on gifts lol