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Original poster

Can someone explain this to me please?

234 replies

CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 17:29

I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic in case it makes a difference.

I don't very often 'fancy' someone. I never have. I rarely feel sexually attracted to someone unless I've got to know them well first and then they become attractive to me. I've never been attracted to more than one person at a time.

I don't fancy actors or famous people. I never fancy someone on a night out. I can appreciate if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them.

Because of this, I find it very difficult to understand how someone can be in love with someone but 'fancy' someone else. Like an actor or something.

I don't really understand how it is any different to fancying their best mate really. It feels like a betrayal.

It's making it really difficult for me to have a relationship.

I was at work today with two of my male colleagues and they mentioned an actress in passing who they both said they fancied. One is married and the other lives with his girlfriend. I don't understand how they can desire her and also love/fancy their partners.

OP posts:
hopeishere · 29/11/2022 17:35

I fancy George Clooney but I know it's never going to happen so it's not a betrayal. Fancying is harmless. It's more an aesthetic thing because I've no idea what his personality is like but objectively I can see he is handsome (and I guess I'm influenced by charming characters he plays).

Original poster
CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 17:39

Do you still fancy your partner? More or less than Geoge Clooney? Would you still fancy George Clooney if your partner was as good or better looking?

Is it different for men?

OP posts:
LynLynette · 29/11/2022 17:42

I think when people say they “fancy” someone off the tv/ a famous person, they really just mean that they think they’re attractive looking.
You can think someone is attractive or even feel attracted to someone in real life but it doesn’t affect how you feel about your partner (most of the time).
When you’re in a relationship, you have agreed to be faithful and therefore not act on attraction to other people, but you still feel it because it’s involuntary. People don’t tend to talk about it (at least not in a serious way) because it can be hurtful to their partner but it is just an automatic thing. It’s human nature.

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ldontWanna · 29/11/2022 17:42

Fancying someone means finding them, or something about them attractive. It could be their looks,their intelligence,their sense of humour, a mix of everything.

You can be in love with someone and still find somebody else aesthetically pleasing. It doesn't mean it has to any further than that or that it will. Since most people don't need the same connection you do to fancy someone it can be as basic and shallow as a beautiful actress, a fit actor or a really funny comedian.

Basically,you can be in a relationship but not blind or deaf.

Mabelface · 29/11/2022 17:44

Also autistic here! It's like you having a favourite thing that you love so much. When you go to the shops, you can see brighter and better things and you like them, but they're not as good as your favourite thing. You can appreciate that they're nice to look at.

ldontWanna · 29/11/2022 17:44

CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 17:39

Do you still fancy your partner? More or less than Geoge Clooney? Would you still fancy George Clooney if your partner was as good or better looking?

Is it different for men?

It's really not that deep. At least not for a lot of people. I see George Clooney (to use your example) , he's hot, I like that. That's it, there's no comparison or deeper meaning.

PollyAmour · 29/11/2022 17:45

Fancying a celebrity is completely different to fancying someone you actually know, when you're in a relationship. It's also not just about looks. When you're in a relationship with someone, it's the whole package, personality, quirks, charm, sense of humour, interests, warmth, kindness - not just their handsome face.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 29/11/2022 17:46

Look up demisexual. This is where you require closeness and emotional connection to fancy someone. Sounds a bit like you.

For people who don't feel like this they can be attracted to someone simply from looks.

It's no different than someone being gay vs someone being straight. You feel sexual attraction in different ways to different people because that's how you're built.

It's simply something you can note about yourself. 'I find this person physically attractive'. It doesn't mean they would sleep with them given the chance. It just is and they can't help that.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 29/11/2022 17:47

Yeah OP I know what you mean. I used to say that I "fancied" Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt but there was no way I'd have ever wanted them to touch me or been prepared to take my clothes off in front of them. More like a kind of recognition that there were very attractive people.

BoardLikeAMirror · 29/11/2022 17:47

Mabelface · 29/11/2022 17:44

Also autistic here! It's like you having a favourite thing that you love so much. When you go to the shops, you can see brighter and better things and you like them, but they're not as good as your favourite thing. You can appreciate that they're nice to look at.

Yes, this (I'm autistic too) - it's like the object of your affections becomes one of your special interests.

Original poster
CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 17:53

Mabelface · 29/11/2022 17:44

Also autistic here! It's like you having a favourite thing that you love so much. When you go to the shops, you can see brighter and better things and you like them, but they're not as good as your favourite thing. You can appreciate that they're nice to look at.

But is it not a problem if someone likes the brighter and better things? If you can never be brighter and better?

OP posts:
Stillbrokenby2022 · 29/11/2022 17:55

Loving someone is like a 3 course meal, fancying someone is like a snack.

ldontWanna · 29/11/2022 17:58

But is it not a problem if someone likes the brighter and better things? If you can never be brighter and better?

I think brighter and better wasn't the best way to out it.

Think of it this way. You have a favourite painting, you own it and it's on display in your house. You have a special connection to it, it makes you happy and calm and makes you smile every time you see it. It's the best painting ever for you.

That doesn't mean you stop appreciating any other art. That you can't still think a different painting is beautiful,or cute,or inspiring or really well made.

Of course,people aren't objects but that's the best metaphor I can think of.

Original poster
CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 17:59

PollyAmour · 29/11/2022 17:45

Fancying a celebrity is completely different to fancying someone you actually know, when you're in a relationship. It's also not just about looks. When you're in a relationship with someone, it's the whole package, personality, quirks, charm, sense of humour, interests, warmth, kindness - not just their handsome face.

I think this is what I don't understand.

I don't understand how someone could love and fancy someone and fancy someone else more attractive without that affecting how they feel about the less attractive real person.

OP posts:
romdowa · 29/11/2022 17:59

CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 17:53

But is it not a problem if someone likes the brighter and better things? If you can never be brighter and better?

Show quote history

No because the brighter thing might not have all the functions of your favourite thing. Might be a different colour , texture , smell , size, shape. While you can appreciate that in theory it's nicer looking , in reality it's not about looks it's about all the other things

Rosie22xx · 29/11/2022 18:01

I personally don't understand this either. I never look at another man and think anything. Even when friends comment on a celebrity being hot, I have no comment on it. I have a husband btw. I don't see the need or want in desiring another person when I have found my person. That type of feeling doesn't occur to me towards anyone else other than my husband. And me personally, I would be upset if my husband commented on another woman's looks being lustful.

Hawkins001 · 29/11/2022 18:05

CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 17:59

I think this is what I don't understand.

I don't understand how someone could love and fancy someone and fancy someone else more attractive without that affecting how they feel about the less attractive real person.

Show quote history

I guess fancy/love Does not have to be towards just one person. You can love different people for different reasons.

greenfieldsblueskies · 29/11/2022 18:07

I am the same OP I've never been sexually attracted to anyone in my life. Male or female. I can appreciate that people are pretty or handsome but that's as far as it goes. I've NEVER had a sexual desire in my life either. Not once

TellMeWhere · 29/11/2022 18:14

I can love my husband and still think that someone is better looking than him. My DH looks as much like Jason Momoa as I look like Margot Robbie. I'm sure he's equally disappointed Grin

Visual attraction is just that. It's like preferring grey walls to blue walls. It doesn't relate to the content of the person. My husband is more than just a face attached to a body.

Iliveinanoodie · 29/11/2022 18:18

I've got a lovely home. I am very happy here and don't ever want to move. I still look on Rghtmove at some of the other houses, though.
Sometimes, I think oh, it would be nice to live in the big posh house, but in reality I know that I am happy exactly where I am.

SpaceJamtart · 29/11/2022 18:19

I 'fancied' my partner when I met him, in that I thought he was handsome and funny and I felt myself wanting to be around him and I wanted him to think I was cool (we were young).

We hung out more and that progressed to 'liking' him were I still thought he was handsome and funny but I also thought he was kind and clever and interesting and I went from wanting to be around him to wanting to really get to know him and wanting to be really close with him, we dated and were always together and that felt great.

That led to me loving him, where all the things before were still true and we were still attracted in the sense of getting turned on by each other and I think he's hot but he also started feeling like home to me. He is the only person I love like that.

When I might also randomly "fancy" some celebrity and its none of that stuff I have with my partner- because I don't know them as a person, its just aesthetics nothing to do with chemistry or connections- all the good bits of an actual relationship. I wouldn't actually want to have anything to do with them, its like a fantasy but not even one I actually want to be true. I just appreciate that they are pretty.
I love my partner I do not want anyone else and I think he is the best guy in the world- I can still think some guy off of tv is hot and it doesn't mean anything. My partner can comment on anyone he wants being hot- I am aware lots of people in the world are attractive, I am still the only person he wants to sleep with.

That is different to fancing a colleague because you do know them, its not just appreciating that they are hot because they are real and in your life. There is a big difference between "george clooney is so hot" and "I want to have sex with Denise from marketing"

Newwardrobe · 29/11/2022 18:23

I think you're putting too much emphasis on the word 'fancy' . Fancy is very superficial, love is much deeper.

cookiecreammmpie · 29/11/2022 18:25

I fancy my husband and love him for who he is. I fancy the actor Evan Peters. I think he is gorgeous and he turns me on but I don't love him as I don't know him. I never seem to fancy other men in real life when I'm in a fulfilled relationship, but I still fancy the odd celeb man. I think it's a subconscious thing because I'd never cheat.

Original poster
CastIronFire · 29/11/2022 18:28

Iliveinanoodie · 29/11/2022 18:18

I've got a lovely home. I am very happy here and don't ever want to move. I still look on Rghtmove at some of the other houses, though.
Sometimes, I think oh, it would be nice to live in the big posh house, but in reality I know that I am happy exactly where I am.

To use that analogy (because i like it) but what about when you look at the houses and think.

My garden is really sweet but that one is absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had that garden?

I love my living room but that one is stunning. I could never achieve a living room like that so I'll stick with the one I've got?

I love my bedroom because it's mine but, if I had the resources, I'd love one that was more x, y or z?

When you see a room that you then try to recreate it on a smaller scale/budget because that's the one you'd really like but your chances of getting it are slim to none?

Those are thought thoughts that I have.

I just don't understand how it works. I can see people.have tried to explain it but I still don't get it.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 29/11/2022 18:37

I don't think you will "get it" OP no matter how much others try and explain it.

Fancying a person has nothing to do with loving another.

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