Can someone explain this to me please?

[CastIronFire]

I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic in case it makes a difference.

I don't very often 'fancy' someone. I never have. I rarely feel sexually attracted to someone unless I've got to know them well first and then they become attractive to me. I've never been attracted to more than one person at a time.

I don't fancy actors or famous people. I never fancy someone on a night out. I can appreciate if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them.

Because of this, I find it very difficult to understand how someone can be in love with someone but 'fancy' someone else. Like an actor or something.

I don't really understand how it is any different to fancying their best mate really. It feels like a betrayal.

It's making it really difficult for me to have a relationship.

I was at work today with two of my male colleagues and they mentioned an actress in passing who they both said they fancied. One is married and the other lives with his girlfriend. I don't understand how they can desire her and also love/fancy their partners.

Isn’t that the risk we all take in any relationship? You trust them and they trust you and that’s all you can hope for.

i believe you are reading a fair bit more into your partner’s- and most people’s - fancy than he means. It genuinely is just another way for saying ‘wow, that person has great eyes’. It’s a nothing. Just an appreciation of that person.

Do I want a relationship with someone because they have nice eyes? Of course not. I want a relationship with someone who respects me. Cares for me. Makes me laugh. Is great in bed. Helps me when I’m sick. Who loves me everyday even the days he doesn’t think I’m am sexy or beautiful or whatever

But that's the point. You don't have to be better and brighter. You just keep being yourself, the one he's chosing to be with because he wants to be with you.

But this - "I wonder how any other women are going to be better than me along the way" -All women know there are thousands of others out there who are sexier/more attractive/more intelligent/has something about her......
but it doesn't matter because we don't all feel threatened by it.

This - I can't be anyone or anything more than I am - no, you don't have to be, he doesn't want more, he wants you, and he's talking about your future so he obviously wants a future with you.

And this - "I wonder how he can be happy with me" - Why? because you're not perfect in every way? Well, i'm not perfect either, none of us are perfect, but that does'nt mean we aren't lovable in different ways and for different reasons.

Please talk to him, tell him how you feel. No amount of posting on a forum can reassure you, only he can do that.

There are different levels to what people mean by fancying someone...

The fancying a celebrity level is that you find them appealing, but, it’s still in an abstract kind of way.

I recently watched house of the dragon... Matt smith in it made me go, ooft, nice. Does that have any impact on me fancying my partner or my relationship? No, not at all.

Because even if I was in the same room as him, I don’t know him, why would I want to be starting a relationship with a stranger? Plus, I’m pretty sure what I find attractive is him acting that part, that’s fiction. But even if you find a celebrity attractive in general , they’re still strangers, you’re not comparing them to real relationships with people you actually know.

You’re just acknowledging they’re attractive not wanting to dump your partner and run off with them.

@CastIronFire I can relate a lot to what you are saying. I am also autistic, and I relate a lot to the demisexual "label" a PP mentioned, I don't feel sexual attraction unless I have a relationship with someone.

From what I have gleaned from friends, fancying someone who isn't your partner means that looking at them makes you feel the sexual feelings that we feel towards a partner, but fleeting rather than lasting. And that its a choice when meeting someone who they are attracted to, to not act on it. Whereas for me, I may be aesthetically attracted to someone, eg I may think they look good in much the same way as I might look at the Mona Lisa in the Louvre and admire it, but I wouldn't want it in my house. Whereas if we stick with the Mona Lisa, for others they may look at the painting and buy a print because they would like to have the original in their home.

The thing that is different to me, is that when I see a good looking man, I think "oh what a nice nose/ nice eye shape/ etc" whereas my friends have sexual desire on top of it. It's not that the goodlooking man is better or brighter than their partners, just that he triggers that hormone rush of sexual desire in that moment. They wouldn't act on it, or want to act on it, because they are committed to their partners and fidelity is important to them.

People who are sexually attracted to lots of people, don't neccessarily want to act on those feelings. I found this a hard thing to get my head round personally as for me being sexually attracted to someone is tied up in emotions
Whereas for someone who feels sexually attracted to people they find attractive, its not an emotional reaction, and the emotional level of the relationship PLUS the sexual attraction are what makes the relationship special, and what makes them choose their relationships. Your boyfriend is with you for various reasons, so even though he may be sexually attracted to various celebrities, it is you he is both sexually and emotionally attracted to and committed to.

Please talk to him, tell him how you feel. No amount of posting on a forum can reassure you, only he can do that

I don't think I could.

I also think I would know what he would say.

He'd say all the things he already says about me. He says that he's lucky to have me and that I'm beautiful. That all he wants is for me to be happy. That I'm talented and intelligent. He is very committed to me and to us but I'm not sure that means very much if he's sexually attracted to other women.

I don't feel 'safe'. It makes me feel on edge and inadequate. I don't feel I can relax or be myself. I constantly feel that I'm not enough. I have told him I feel that but he didn't really have anything to say because he just said he didn't really understand because I was everything to him.

But I feel like he would prefer someone else or for me to be different or more like someone else.

I understand that one person can't be everything to another person in a relationship. I have one very good friend who is also autistic and we talk for hours on the phone. I don't talk on the phone to anyone else. He and I are very close and talking to each other is like having a real life conversation with ourselves as another person. I talk with him about topics and in detail I wouldn't talk to my boyfriend about because he isn't interested in those things.

My boyfriend knows this and is fine with it because he knows it meets a need I have that he doesn't fulfill. It's fine because I don't fancy my friend. I'm not sexually attracted to him in any way whatsoever because that's what separates my boyfriend from other men to me. I don't fancy other men.

Maybe if he saw the things in me he sees in the women he fancies then he wouldn't fancy them because I would fulfill that need in him? Which means I'm lacking in something very important to a relationship.

I know he would like us to live together at some point and he has said he would like to get married but this feels like a huge barrier that is getting in the way of all of that. How can he want to live with me or make that sort of commitment if he is sexually attracted to other women?

I'm just exhausted from trying to rationalise it in my head and pretending I don't mind when it's making me feel so bad and bad about myself.

You are still misunderstanding what fancying is. Also being sexually attracted to people is quite natural, if he is committed to you he wouldn't act on it. You will never be the most perfect at everything but that's what love and a relationship is.

Ok, another metaphor.

Do you have a pet? I have a dog. He's cute, people often ask me about him. He's liked by other people. He likes it when they make a fuss of him. Some of them have lovely fancy breed dogs, or dogs that do tricks, or dogs with cute tails.

Would any of those people swap dogs? Would I swap my dog? Not on your nelly! My dog has his faults, can't do tricks, isn't that fancy breed... but he's my adorable boy.

Would my boy go home with the stranger with a pocket full of liver pate? No way. I'm his mum.

Do you swap out things you love for new versions which are 'more perfect'?

With regards to my rings, we want different things. I absolutely want my lovely ring that I can wear all the time, looks great and doesn't need careful handling. The other one is a nuisance. I only wear it because it would be a waste not to.
People like and prioritise different things.

He's chosen you. He likes and prioritises you.

It would be better to ask him if he's committed, will turn down other opportunities, than if he fancies other women. Loyalty and commitment are more important than passing feelings.

With respect, you’re making yourself feel bad about yourself because you’re unable to accept that your boyfriend’s brain works differently to yours, either because he’s not autistic, or because he’s a different person. You need to figure out a way of dealing with this, or end the relationship in the knowledge that you are choosing to end it, not because your boyfriend has done anything wrong. It’s also not him as an individual. Most people are capable of finding people other than their SO attractive.

It would be better to ask him if he's committed, will turn down other opportunities, than if he fancies other women. Loyalty and commitment are more important than passing feelings.

He has already told me that he would turn down other opportunities. He has quite a distinctive style and so other women will quite often try akd flirt with him. He's friendly and chatty with strangers but once it crosses into flirting, he moves away.

And I didn't ask him any of it. He just told me. I wish he hadn't. Knowing he probably did was manageable. Knowing who it is just means I can see exactly where I'm not enough.

Fancying someone else doesn't always have to be a sexual thing, it isn't for me anyway, I am just able to see attractiveness or beauty in another person.
You really need to realise that fancying someone isn't what you think it is because it is very very very normal for most people to fancy someone other than their partner but for it to mean absolutely nothing.

And if you don't understand it, can you at least accept that this is true?

I don't think he has done anything wrong.

I've not always been in a relationship with someone I've found sexually desirable but it's always been someone I've got to know well and it's a very strong feeling. So no I don't have any experience of passing or fleeting or unimportant sexual attraction. It's either nothing or very significant.

I don't want to be with someone if they feel like that about other women and I can't imagine someone would want to be with me if I felt like that about someone else.

If I felt like that about someone else then I wouldn't stay in the relationship I was in because I wouldnt be able to have sex or be around someone if i felt like that about someone else.

How can he want to live with me or make that sort of commitment if he is sexually attracted to other women?

It’s natural to feel sexually attracted to other people. Fancying famous people/random people is completely normal and is the case for the vast majority of people.

I understand you don’t feel like this and that’s fine but that’s very unusual. Most people do feel sexual attraction to other people, yet maintain a long term relationship.

It’s a bit like having a close friend and then chatting to someone in a friendly way at the bus stop and thinking ‘ah, she was lovely’. It doesn’t impact your actual friendship or mean you wish your friend was like them or like your friend any less.

Or if you’ve got children and spend time at the park talking to a cute little toddler and think ‘oh, he was really funny and chatty’. It doesn’t mean you love your own children any less or have any impact on your relationship with them.

Or if you’ve got a dog and see someone’s adorable puppy and have a cuddle and think ‘oh my goodness, that was such a cute puppy’. It doesn’t mean you feel differently about your own dog.

Going back to your original post OP what do you think is the difference between someone fancying someone, and appreciating if someone is good looking?

It's not the same to me though. I understand all the analogies about dogs and friends and dresses.

But sex is what separates a friendship from a relationship and your partner from the rest of the world. It's a line.

So wanting to have sex with someone else is different. Because that's what sexual attraction/desire/fancying is - It's not thinking a dress is nice or eyes are nice or a dog is cute or a child is funny.

It's imagining them naked, thinking about doing sexual things with them, thinking about them when you're on your own. Or not on your own.

So no I don't have any experience of passing or fleeting or unimportant sexual attraction

Even if you don’t have any personal experience of this, can you understand it’s the norm for the vast majority of people?
It’s biologically how we are programmed to work.

Like you say it’s fleeting and unimportant so doesn’t impact people’s actual relationship.

But sex is what separates a friendship from a relationship and your partner from the rest of the world. It's a line.
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So wanting to have sex with someone else is different. Because that's what sexual attraction/desire/fancying is - It's not thinking a dress is nice or eyes are nice or a dog is cute or a child is funny.

It is sort of the same though - something that you can enjoy along side your existing relationships (whether that’s a relationship with your dog, kids, friends or partner) without it having any detrimental impact on that relationship.

I might look at George Clooney and be like ‘definitely shag him if I could’. I know there is zero chance of this happening so it’s like a safe fantasy.

We had a builder in recently who was very attractive. DH joked to me about not leaving me alone with the builder and then said ‘actually don’t leave me alone with the builder either’ (DH is straight).
Neither of us would have done anything at all with the attractive builder as we are happy in our relationship and don’t want to change that.
It’s impossible however to look at someone physically attractive and not ‘fancy’ them. It doesn’t mean we love each other any less or want to change our relationship. Or that you actually want to have sex right there and then with the person.

It's imagining them naked, thinking about doing sexual things with them, thinking about them when you're on your own. Or not on your own.

Sexual fantasies are a healthy part of sex though. The fun thing about sexual fantasies is that you can imagine things you would never actually do in reality.
Having sexual fantasies doesn’t change your relationship with your partner.

“But sex is what separates a friendship from a relationship and your partner from the rest of the world. It's a line.”

It’s one of them, yes, but firstly it’s not the only thing... but mostly...

To you, fancying someone means you want to have sex with them, like actively want to pursue that if possible, that’s not what most people mean when they find someone sexually attractive.

They just mean there’s something a little bit stronger than noticing they’re aesthetically pleasing in an abstract way.

But it’s not as strong as actually wanting in any real way to have sex with them. It’s still kind of abstract just a different sort of attractive than a vase or a painting.

The thing is, you’re going to have to accept that what you think of as fancying someone isn’t what other people mean, especially your boyfriend, or you’re going to always feel inadequate.

But there you go again, applying your black and white thinking to other people. It’s your choice to regard fancying someone else fleetingly as a sign something is wrong with your relationship, but for most people, it’s a perfectly normal aspect of life which has nothing to do with their actual partner, and doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

I fancy Humphrey Bogart in To Have and Have Not. He’s been dead for years. My husband used to have a huge thing for Dolores from The Cranberries. Also dead. The reason I’m choosing two dead people is to show that it’s not anything that will turn into anything, just like me fancying the man at the bus stop.

Obviously, end your relationship if it isn’t making you happy, but you may be looking a long time for someone else who shares your views about the significance of fancying.

I think you’re a bit stuck here OP because you’re not willing or able to see that other people see things differently to you. I get that you don’t understand it and that’s fine, but sometimes you have to accept things you don’t personally understand in order to progress. if you can’t accept that your boyfriend fancying other people isn’t a reflection on you (and again that’s fine, everyone has boundaries) then you’re probably right that it isn’t the relationship for you.
DH and I are very happily married. I find other people attractive and so does he, it doesn’t affect our marriage because we want to be together. It works for us (and many people) but if it doesn’t work for you then that’s fine too, that’s your boundary.

It's not that I'm not willing to see its different. But people have likened it to art or dogs or children and, whilst i understand those, I don't see that it's that similar.

Someone has said it's impossible to see someone is attractive without fancying them. Of course I can appreciate when someone is attractive but I don't 'fancy' them. I know which of my friends have better looking husband's than others. But I don't fancy them. I know if I see a pretty woman but, again, I don't fancy them. I wouldn't ever describe someone else as 'sexy' or 'phwoar' or fantasise about having sex with them.

If the person I was with wasn't enough for me without imagining I was with someone else instead or if I found myself daydreaming about having sex with someone else, I wouldn't be with them. It's as simple as that.

I don't want to have sex with someone who is imagining they are with someone else. What is the point in that? I don't think that is unreasonable.

I don't get crushes on famous people, but sometimes I get little crushes on my people who I observe being especially lovely parents or people, I just think "gosh, you really are just lovely" I can't do that with famous people because I don't know them, but occasionally I can feel a bit like that when there is a character in TV show or movie or in a book who just seems really especially lovely in some way. I'm not really concerned with looks, but for people who are I think it's just the same thing. They just think, "wow, they really are good looking in away that appeals to Me"

It's not cheating if there is no inclination to act on it in any way. It's just a passing thought. Although I know it can become more like cheating when somebody becomes mentally fixated on someone else instead of just having a passing crush.

And that’s absolutely fine for you to feel that way, it just means that it’s not the relationship for you. I hope you find someone who feels the same way as you do about these things (if that sounds sarky I don’t mean it to, I genuinely hope you do!)

No. I can get excited about going for a 7 course tasting meal in a fancy restaurant, but I don't want that to be my daily diet, do I?