Can someone explain this to me please?

[CastIronFire]

I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic in case it makes a difference.

I don't very often 'fancy' someone. I never have. I rarely feel sexually attracted to someone unless I've got to know them well first and then they become attractive to me. I've never been attracted to more than one person at a time.

I don't fancy actors or famous people. I never fancy someone on a night out. I can appreciate if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them.

Because of this, I find it very difficult to understand how someone can be in love with someone but 'fancy' someone else. Like an actor or something.

I don't really understand how it is any different to fancying their best mate really. It feels like a betrayal.

It's making it really difficult for me to have a relationship.

I was at work today with two of my male colleagues and they mentioned an actress in passing who they both said they fancied. One is married and the other lives with his girlfriend. I don't understand how they can desire her and also love/fancy their partners.

OP there is more to romantic love than just physical attraction or liking someone's appearance.

To extend the house analogy, yes that one has a bigger garden but:

Where's the sun in the morning?
Is it on a busy street?
Is it planted up nicely or a mess?
Is it too expensive?
Is there a dog breeding centre next door?
Does it have a shed?

People can and do make complex compromises.

Maybe you are over thinking it? Yes, other things/people are nice, but if you are genuinely happy with what you've got, you're not really that interested, except on a superficial level.

In your celebrity question:

1. Looks

Dh 8/10 Ben Affleck 10/10

1. Chances he'll shag me

Dh 9/10 Ben Affleck 0/10

1. Proximity for hugs

DH 10/10 Ben Affleck 0/10

Etc

😂

I don't understand how someone could love and fancy someone and fancy someone else more attractive without that affecting how they feel about the less attractive real person

For me, this fancy the pants off of my husband and he’s the only man I’m romantically interested in, but I can objectively appreciate that Jason Momoa is very attractive and I quite fancy the look of him. The idea of kissing another man, even Jason Momoa, doesn’t appeal at all.

I guess it’s like owning a very lovely Collie and loving that dog, but also stopping every time you see a Bernese Mountain Dog.

That's what I don't like about it.

That reads like you're making do with your husband because you don't actually know Ben Affleck and doubt he'd want to shag you if you did.

I keep thinking I need to finish with my boyfriend because I'm not ever going to be better or brighter than I am.

I think the art metaphor a op used is the perfect one
the art in your house has sentimental meaning, you love it and you never want to get rid of it
if you had to choose between that art and any other art in the world, you’d choose that piece of art.
but in real life you can still see other pieces of art and think they look nice,
objectively you could even say some other pieces of art are ‘better’. Maybe more skill was used or they were created by a more famous artist. But it doesn’t matter to you because but they’ll never have that place in your heart or in your home like that sentimental special piece of art.

To move away from people as objects, another metaphor could be that you love your child the most,
you don’t think other children are gross obviously, you can still see if they’re cute or funny or nice kids, but you don’t love them as much as your child. You wouldn’t swap them for your child, or stop caring for your child in order to care for other children

OP why do you think people (who I presume you presume aren’t autistic) would be able to explain this to you?

Because I've learnt a lot about how people in general think and feel about things by talking to them and asking them over the years.

I function a lot better around other people now that I understand them better.

@CastIronFire you're assuming that fancying someone else automatically means that 1. You want them and 2. You're settling for the person you are actually with.

I fancy dozens of male actors(and I've fancied real life men where I might even had a "shot")but even if they showed up at my door tomorrow all I'd ask for would be a selfie and an autograph. Because the one I do want to be with is OH. I wouldn't risk hurting him, ruining what we have , destroying our relationship and family . I'm not settling, I'm where I want to be. If it wasn't, I wouldn't still be with him even without something brighter and better around the corner.

you're assuming that fancying someone else automatically means that 1. You want them and 2. You're settling for the person you are actually with.

Yes. I'm not really understanding how it doesn't.

If I fancied someone else it would be because I wanted to be with that person and I would be less attracted to my partner as a result. If at all.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone if I fancied someone else.

How about this as an analogy?

I have two rings. One I wear every day, never take it off. It's comfortable, looks good, suits every occasion. It's also sentiment as it's my wedding ring. The second ring is also sentimental, a birthday gift. It's also beautiful. It's more elaborate and also more delicate. I wear it on special occasions. I know it's lovely, but prefer my wedding ring.

Another way of thinking an it is 'the complete package'.

DH might be , say, 8/10 in ten different areas. George Clooney might be 10/10 in some ways, but in others he's unknown or unlikely to score well. For example he isn't the father of my DC, we have no shared history, no memories or shared family members, no shared culture. So DH scores far better than George Clooney. Though George's wife might disagree!

There isn’t a finite amount of fancy - it doesn’t subtract from one person to go into another (not for me anyway)

If I fancied someone else it would be because I wanted to be with that person and I would be less attracted to my partner as a result. If at all

I really love the look of all the fancy cakes in the bakery but I know I won't like the taste and prefer the ready sliced bread I've got at home.

I have two rings. One I wear every day, never take it off. It's comfortable, looks good, suits every occasion. It's also sentiment as it's my wedding ring. The second ring is also sentimental, a birthday gift. It's also beautiful. It's more elaborate and also more delicate. I wear it on special occasions. I know it's lovely, but prefer my wedding ring.

I'm not sure comfortable and suits every occasion beats beautiful and for special occasions tbh.

That's where the "not get it" comes from. You fancy people in a different way to others so it's hard to understand how superficial and basic fancying is for us. It doesn't mean we want to be with them, and the only thing that stops us is lack of opportunity.

Just like I see dozens of beautiful/gorgeous clothes and I might ohhh and ahhh but I don't actually want them for various reasons. That doesn't mean I'm settling for my current clothes. They're comfortable,they suit me,they make me happy and smile and I love them.

OP, why do t you explain what is actually bothering you about your relationship. Has your boyfriend mentioned finding a celebrity attractive, or said he fancies your sister or something? Because you clearly aren’t going to understand the analogies everyone else has tried.

I think your idea of fancying someone is very different to ours op .

What about thinking about it from an animal behaviour perspective…

we’re all programmed to find certain broad characteristics attractive; but for us to form a lifelong relationship we need a bit more than that - a reciprocal relationship based on attraction, similar likes, goals, interests, backgrounds etc to cement that bond and carry it past the initial ‘falling in love’ hormone rush.

But we still have the broad triggers that make us think someone might fit the bill…. Attractiveness, fitness, confidence, vulnerability - a balance of all those.. if I were being objective I’d say George Clooney might for that bill.. if I’m being subjective that might manifest as me fancying him; but I know I haven’t gone through any of the life stuff with him that I have with DH to establish a firm bond- he’s just an obvious ‘blank canvas’ to project my ideals onto…

To stick with the home analogy, yes that other house might be bigger, more expensive, nicer. However, your house is your home. Your place of sanctuary, of shelter. You have spent time, money and effort making it the way you like it. Invested in its future by maintaining it, nurturing it. The place where you have made memories, happiness, sadness, maybe became your first marital home, where you brought your children into the world. It's special to you only and is not just bricks and mortar, unlike the other place.

Sorry if i've got this wrong, OP, but it sounds like your boyfriend has said he fancies someone, maybe a celebrity, and you understand that to mean he doesn't love you as much as he once did.
And now you think you need to be "better and brighter" for him to keep loving you.
Very likely your boyfriend's meaning of "fancy" is the same as all the posters on here, and it has no impact on how he feels about you.
Talk to him, tell him what you are thinking so he can understand how you feel and can put your mind at rest.

Honestly, OP, you just don’t have a ‘passing fancy’ mode, and you don’t appear to understand that other people function differently to you. I’ve adored my husband for 30 years, but I’m capable of admiring the nice hair/eyes/body/coat of a stranger on the street in the same passing, unimportant way as I might think ‘Oh, cake!’ walking past a bakery. It is, literally, a passing fancy.

The thing is that for the majority of people, fancing someone doesn't mean wanting to be with them.

If you don't feel small unimportant fancy for people then it isn't going to make sense in a way that will fit how you feel. You don't feel those feelings- thats okay- but it is still real for other people even if it isn't for you.

Do you have multiple friendships? Is that easier to use to explain rather than romantic feelings? As your experience of romantic attraction is different from the norm.

I kind of see my partner and random famous people I might fancy, the same way I think of my sister (who is my best friend) and vauge aquaintences at work.
So, I share everything with my sister- she is someone I love talking to and spending time with more than most of my other friends- we are extra close because we grew up together and have tons of the same interests. I also have random people I am friendly with at work, we chat in the break room, maybe we do a secret santa in december and I will offer them a tea if I put the kettle on. I like them, I think they are nice people.

Having those people at work makes no difference to my relationship with my sister. I don't love her any less, we don't share any less I just also talk to other people while I am work.
My sister is not jealous that I am friendly with work mates, just like I am happy she has friends at work- it gives us extra stuff to talk about. I would not miss the people at work when they moved on to different jobs and although they are nice- they will never be as close a friend to me as I am with my sister. Nothing near it- I am so close with my sister we had a secret language as kids and used to think we could read each others minds- we talk everyday. None of that is remotely impacted by me chatting about the weather with the man at reception.

Even if the work people were particularly impressive- like top of their fields, incredibly rich, has 12 degrees, is super friendly and kind.
They are still peripheral and do not impact my relationship with my sister. I don't think any less of her because she has no degree, no money and is sulky sometimes. It doesn't matter. They are sepearate and unrelated.
Just like thinking a man from game of thrones is quite sexy and loving my husband.

I do understand that people function differently but I don't understand what it means for me or what it feels like for them.

My boyfriend and I were talking about this the other week. I told him that I don't fancy people.

I might go out and see someone with good hair or who looks 'cool' or has a nice smile but I notice those things in the way I notice if the lights are too bright or there's not a good selection of beer. I don't feel anything. I'd have more of an emotional/physical response if I walked into a pub and they were playing a song I liked.

He said he doesn't fancy random women but he does like and then named 3 women - an 80s singer, a 90s singer and an actress that he has always thought were very attractive. He described two as being 'very sexy' and one as having 'something about her' despite not thinking she's particularly pretty.

And now you think you need to be "better and brighter" for him to keep loving you.

I can't be anyone or anything more than I am. So it makes wonder if we have the future together than he talks about.

I wonder how any other women are going to be better than me along the way.

I wonder how he can be happy with me when no one would.describe me as 'very sexy'.

If I fancied someone else, I would know I was in the wrong relationship and leave it.

But what is so difficult in grasping that other people don’t operate according to your black and white distinctions? I fancy a guy who used to be in Falcon Crest, Toby Ziegler from The West Wing, and one of the campus security guards who once rescued me from a stuck lift. None of these have anything to do with my marriage.