Page 9 | Can someone explain this to me please?

CastIronFire · 2022-11-29T17:29:16+00:00

I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic in case it makes a difference. I don't very often 'fancy' someone. I never have. I rarely feel sexually attracted to someone unless I've got to know them well first and then they become attractive to me. I've never been attracted to more than one person at a time. I don't fancy actors or famous people. I never fancy someone on a night out. I can appreciate if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them. Because of this, I find it very difficult to understand how someone can be in love with someone but 'fancy' someone else. Like an actor or something. I don't really understand how it is any different to fancying their best mate really. It feels like a betrayal. It's making it really difficult for me to have a relationship. I was at work today with two of my male colleagues and they mentioned an actress in passing who they both said they fancied. One is married and the other lives with his girlfriend. I don't understand how they can desire her and also love/fancy their partners.

FatimaHatima · 03/12/2022 13:39

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:35

I wanted to understand how other people reconcile the two because its not something I experience.

I understand the words people have written but it hasn't changed how I feel about it

I suppose if both people in a relationship are still lusting after other people it doesn't really matter maybe. Although I would wonder why so many people were with someone who didn't sufficiently meet their needs. Because that's what it would be for me if I fancied someone else.

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Why do you keep saying "lusting after" as if that's the same things as fancying or liking someone? It isn't.

Why do you think fancying someone else means your partner doesn't meet your needs? It doesn't.

Why are you refusing to understand that your thoughts are just yours and are not what other people think?

WaddleAway · 03/12/2022 13:40

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:37

Fancying someone else doesn’t mean I fancy them more than my partner.

It would for me because if I didn't fancy them more I wouldn't even have noticed them.

And that’s fine. You feel how you feel. But most other people don’t feel like that. So you say ‘I’d wonder why they were with someone who didn’t meet their needs’, but they’re not. Their partner does meet their needs, that’s why they’re with them.

tabulahrasa · 03/12/2022 13:41

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:35

I wanted to understand how other people reconcile the two because its not something I experience.

I understand the words people have written but it hasn't changed how I feel about it

I suppose if both people in a relationship are still lusting after other people it doesn't really matter maybe. Although I would wonder why so many people were with someone who didn't sufficiently meet their needs. Because that's what it would be for me if I fancied someone else.

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Honestly - I don’t think you do understand the words written.

Nobody else has said they sit watching films lusting after an actor, because that word choice means something much stronger and different from fancying an actor.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:42

You are insistent that other people must be unhappy with their current partner if they have any feelings for anyone else. Which isn’t true.

No, I've said that what it looks like to me because that's what it would be for me.

I understand what people have said but I can't make it fit for me and I can't imagine having that experience or what it would be like.

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WaddleAway · 03/12/2022 13:42

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:42

You are insistent that other people must be unhappy with their current partner if they have any feelings for anyone else. Which isn’t true.

No, I've said that what it looks like to me because that's what it would be for me.

I understand what people have said but I can't make it fit for me and I can't imagine having that experience or what it would be like.

You don’t have to imagine it. You just have to accept that other people are different to you. I can’t imagine liking marzipan, but apparently some people do.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:43

Why do you keep saying "lusting after" as if that's the same things as fancying or liking someone? It isn't.

Because that's how other people on the thread referred to it.

But fancying, lusting after, having sexual feeling towards are all synonymous really.

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Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:51

Nobody else has said they sit watching films lusting after an actor, because that word choice means something much stronger and different from fancying an actor.

Other people have used the terms synonymously and said it doesn't matter if he's lusting after other women. To me, it does.

To me, they would mean the same thing anyway.

I spike to my friend last night after I'd gone to bed. He said pretty much the same as all of you and that I should go downstairs and make a cup of tea and sit with him. But I couldn't. I didn't want to irritate him by interrupting him watching it if he was enjoying it more without me there. And I'd have felt horrible too.

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TedMullins · 03/12/2022 14:00

It seems like the thing you can’t wrap your head around is that most people can love and fancy their partner at the same time as casually fancying or fantasising about having sex with someone else. I absolutely adore my partner, he meets all my needs, I fancy him and love him more than anyone I’ve ever been with before, but I also fancy a particular celebrity and have thought about having sex with them.

One doesn’t cancel out the other. They both happen simultaneously in my mind and I know the same is true for my partner because he’s told me some celebrities he fancies!

It also sounds like you think that someone should think their partner is the best looking person ever and fancy them more than anyone else on the planet, and that’s just not realistic. There will always be other people out there who are more attractive than me and my partner, and I’m sure other people exist that I could be in a happy relationship with. The chance exists that my partner or I could meet someone else we prefer and decide to end our relationship.

This is just being realistic. You can’t predict the future or stop feeling connections to other people when you have a partner. The difference as others have said is whether you act on them. So while all the above is true, it doesn’t make me insecure or upset because at this moment in time my partner is ticking all my boxes and I’m very happy. Acknowledging other people are attractive or that I’d hypothetically sleep with them, or other people exist that I could’ve dated in another life, doesn’t detract from anything I have with my partner, and most people feel the same that all those feelings can coexist harmoniously.

aquateals · 03/12/2022 14:02

Have a read around demisexuality.

WaddleAway · 03/12/2022 14:23

Why would he be enjoying it more without you there?

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 14:42

WaddleAway · 03/12/2022 14:23

Why would he be enjoying it more without you there?

I just assume that if he's watching naked women or beautiful women having sex, he'd rather he able to do that without me pointing out plot holes (at best) or being reminded that I'm what he's got when there are women like that out there (at worst).

I also don't know if he'd want to be sexually aroused by other women whilst in the same room as me. I wouldn't want to he there either. As well as being horrible it would feel inteusive. Id feel i was spoiling it for him i think.

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Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 14:56

TedMullins · 03/12/2022 14:00

It seems like the thing you can’t wrap your head around is that most people can love and fancy their partner at the same time as casually fancying or fantasising about having sex with someone else. I absolutely adore my partner, he meets all my needs, I fancy him and love him more than anyone I’ve ever been with before, but I also fancy a particular celebrity and have thought about having sex with them.

One doesn’t cancel out the other. They both happen simultaneously in my mind and I know the same is true for my partner because he’s told me some celebrities he fancies!

It also sounds like you think that someone should think their partner is the best looking person ever and fancy them more than anyone else on the planet, and that’s just not realistic. There will always be other people out there who are more attractive than me and my partner, and I’m sure other people exist that I could be in a happy relationship with. The chance exists that my partner or I could meet someone else we prefer and decide to end our relationship.

This is just being realistic. You can’t predict the future or stop feeling connections to other people when you have a partner. The difference as others have said is whether you act on them. So while all the above is true, it doesn’t make me insecure or upset because at this moment in time my partner is ticking all my boxes and I’m very happy. Acknowledging other people are attractive or that I’d hypothetically sleep with them, or other people exist that I could’ve dated in another life, doesn’t detract from anything I have with my partner, and most people feel the same that all those feelings can coexist harmoniously.

If he met someone else he'd rather be with, I'd would be ok with that. I would hate to think of someone staying with me out of obligation or duty.

The thought of him being aroused or lusting after countless random women all the time and imagining having sex with them in the same headspace as thinking I'm lovely is horrible.

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WaddleAway · 03/12/2022 15:02

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 14:42

I just assume that if he's watching naked women or beautiful women having sex, he'd rather he able to do that without me pointing out plot holes (at best) or being reminded that I'm what he's got when there are women like that out there (at worst).

I also don't know if he'd want to be sexually aroused by other women whilst in the same room as me. I wouldn't want to he there either. As well as being horrible it would feel inteusive. Id feel i was spoiling it for him i think.

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You’re ‘assuming’. Based on your own feelings, not his.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 15:06

WaddleAway · 03/12/2022 15:02

You’re ‘assuming’. Based on your own feelings, not his.

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Maybe. I understand that but I also can't see what me being there would bring to the situation. So me not being there would be neutral or positive. Me being there would be neutral or negative.

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MilkToastHoney · 03/12/2022 15:34

I understand what people have said but I can't make it fit for me and I can't imagine having that experience or what it would be like.

You don’t need to make it fit for you or imagine it though.
You just need to ACCEPT what everyone is telling you.

I can’t imagine liking heavy metal music - I literally hate it, gives me a headache. I don’t understand how it can be enjoyable to listen to.
I ACCEPT other people love it though.

I could spend hours analysing it and trying desperately to imagine how it could be enjoyable to some. It would be pointless though as I’ll probably never be able to imagine wanting to put it on/dance to it etc. I just accept we all feel differently about things and that’s ok.

WaddleAway · 03/12/2022 15:36

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 15:06

Maybe. I understand that but I also can't see what me being there would bring to the situation. So me not being there would be neutral or positive. Me being there would be neutral or negative.

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You being there would bring to the situation whatever watching a film with someone ever brings to the situation 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 15:41

MilkToastHoney · 03/12/2022 15:34

I understand what people have said but I can't make it fit for me and I can't imagine having that experience or what it would be like.

You don’t need to make it fit for you or imagine it though.
You just need to ACCEPT what everyone is telling you.

I can’t imagine liking heavy metal music - I literally hate it, gives me a headache. I don’t understand how it can be enjoyable to listen to.
I ACCEPT other people love it though.

I could spend hours analysing it and trying desperately to imagine how it could be enjoyable to some. It would be pointless though as I’ll probably never be able to imagine wanting to put it on/dance to it etc. I just accept we all feel differently about things and that’s ok.

I know that. But what I'm being asked to accept is that my boyfriend or any other man I might date is going to be sexually attracted to many women, even while he is with me. That he might well be imagining having sex with them while he is with me and that that doesn't have any bearing on how he feels about or towards me and I should be OK with and accept that. When, for me, I am with my boyfriend partly because he is the only man I'm sexually attracted to or want to have sex with or think about having sex with.

I don't want to be in a relationship if that's what it means. With him or anyone else.

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tabulahrasa · 03/12/2022 15:43

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 13:51

Nobody else has said they sit watching films lusting after an actor, because that word choice means something much stronger and different from fancying an actor.

Other people have used the terms synonymously and said it doesn't matter if he's lusting after other women. To me, it does.

To me, they would mean the same thing anyway.

I spike to my friend last night after I'd gone to bed. He said pretty much the same as all of you and that I should go downstairs and make a cup of tea and sit with him. But I couldn't. I didn't want to irritate him by interrupting him watching it if he was enjoying it more without me there. And I'd have felt horrible too.

They don’t mean exactly the same thing though, that - pretty much is actually a very big difference.

Theres a difference between lusting after someone and fancying them, there is a difference between being aroused by someone and being attracted to someone...

You don’t have the milder versions, that’s fine, you don’t need to imagine how they feel to believe they exist though. There are plenty of things I have absolutely no understanding of, electricity as a random example, but I believe it exists and I accept what the acknowledged way it works seems to be - it makes no difference that I can’t imagine for the life of me how it makes lights or speakers or anything else work. It just does.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 15:50

Theres a difference between lusting after someone and fancying them, there is a difference between being aroused by someone and being attracted to someone.

If he said one was sexy and that, when I had my hair a certain way, I looked like another who is 'phwoar' (yes it was an immature way if referring to her but he was being light hearted about it). Which of those is it?

Aroused by or attracted to?

Would I be a bit daft to be bothered about him being attracted to someone but not about him being aroused by someone?

If he was sexually aroused by the film last night was I right to remove myself?

Genuine questions.

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tabulahrasa · 03/12/2022 15:56

“If he said one was sexy and that, when I had my hair a certain way, I looked like another who is 'phwoar' (yes it was an immature way if referring to her but he was being light hearted about it). Which of those is it?

Aroused by or attracted to?”

I’d say attracted to, arousal is stronger.

“Would I be a bit daft to be bothered about him being attracted to someone but not about him being aroused by someone?”

The second would bother me more, because again it’s stronger.

“If he was sexually aroused by the film last night was I right to remove myself?”

That though... is more complicated. People can be aroused by say a sex scene without being attracted at all to anyone on the screen, it can be as basic as - sex, primitive mammal brain says that’s arousing.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 16:02

The second would bother me more, because again it’s stronger

Some people have said on here that fancying someone is a fleeting sexual desire for someone. Which of those (attraction/arousal) does it come under?

And would that bother you?

Sorry for all the questions.

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Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 16:03

And what if someone wasn't the sort of person they'd normally be attracted to but the way they were dressed/behaving was sexually provocative/arousing. What then?

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Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 16:08

I met him a few years ago. When I did he was with someone and so was I.

I didn't fancy him obviously. After we got together, he said that he'd had a crush on me for ages (apparently while he was with his ex). He said there was a point where he realised he'd fallen in love with me but would never have done anything about it.

He also said he never thought about me sexually. That all of his fantasies were around just holding hands and mundane every day stuff. Just being together but not sexual.

How does that fit into everything said here?

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tabulahrasa · 03/12/2022 16:22

I’ll also add, saying you look like someone famous who he finds attractive with your hair a certain way - unless he’s an arsehole (and he doesn’t sound like one) isn’t supposed to be, I am thinking of her because she’s attractive, it’s supposed to be a compliment towards you, that you are as attractive as someone that lots of people acknowledge is attractive.

“Some people have said on here that fancying someone is a fleeting sexual desire for someone. Which of those (attraction/arousal) does it come under?”

Attraction, arousal connotes a physical response.

And again... it’s complicated and a bit personal where the line is for it to bother you.

My partner has a thing for Nicole Kidman and Kate winslet - I am very not like either of them 😂 that doesn’t bother me in the slightest, because they’re not the real people it’s them on screen which is basically fiction, I’ll watch or not watch things with them in with him dependant entirely on whether it looks like something I’d enjoy or not.

An actual person we knew, it would absolutely bother me if he told me he was attracted to them, I don’t worry about policing his thoughts as long as there’s no actions, but I’d have an issue with flirting or anything along those lines (but I also know I’m pretty insecure)

“And what if someone wasn't the sort of person they'd normally be attracted to but the way they were dressed/behaving was sexually provocative/arousing. What then?”

Again that depends - I’m straight, definitely absolutely am not attracted to any women, can’t imagine being aroused by one... but if there’s a lesbian sex scene in a film my brain does still kind of go, ooh, sex...

So... 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

CastIronFire · 03/12/2022 16:32

tabulahrasa · 03/12/2022 16:22

I’ll also add, saying you look like someone famous who he finds attractive with your hair a certain way - unless he’s an arsehole (and he doesn’t sound like one) isn’t supposed to be, I am thinking of her because she’s attractive, it’s supposed to be a compliment towards you, that you are as attractive as someone that lots of people acknowledge is attractive.

“Some people have said on here that fancying someone is a fleeting sexual desire for someone. Which of those (attraction/arousal) does it come under?”

Attraction, arousal connotes a physical response.

And again... it’s complicated and a bit personal where the line is for it to bother you.

My partner has a thing for Nicole Kidman and Kate winslet - I am very not like either of them 😂 that doesn’t bother me in the slightest, because they’re not the real people it’s them on screen which is basically fiction, I’ll watch or not watch things with them in with him dependant entirely on whether it looks like something I’d enjoy or not.

An actual person we knew, it would absolutely bother me if he told me he was attracted to them, I don’t worry about policing his thoughts as long as there’s no actions, but I’d have an issue with flirting or anything along those lines (but I also know I’m pretty insecure)

“And what if someone wasn't the sort of person they'd normally be attracted to but the way they were dressed/behaving was sexually provocative/arousing. What then?”

Again that depends - I’m straight, definitely absolutely am not attracted to any women, can’t imagine being aroused by one... but if there’s a lesbian sex scene in a film my brain does still kind of go, ooh, sex...

So... 🤷‍♀️

I think I prefer my simple childlike brain 😩

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Can someone explain this to me please?

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