Can someone explain this to me please?

[CastIronFire]

I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic in case it makes a difference.

I don't very often 'fancy' someone. I never have. I rarely feel sexually attracted to someone unless I've got to know them well first and then they become attractive to me. I've never been attracted to more than one person at a time.

I don't fancy actors or famous people. I never fancy someone on a night out. I can appreciate if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them.

Because of this, I find it very difficult to understand how someone can be in love with someone but 'fancy' someone else. Like an actor or something.

I don't really understand how it is any different to fancying their best mate really. It feels like a betrayal.

It's making it really difficult for me to have a relationship.

I was at work today with two of my male colleagues and they mentioned an actress in passing who they both said they fancied. One is married and the other lives with his girlfriend. I don't understand how they can desire her and also love/fancy their partners.

And that... isn’t what people mean when talking about fancying celebrities or finding someone attractive.

Thats more, and yep if I was the ex that would very much bother me, from your POV, it could mean that - that relationship wasn’t right and this one is, it could mean he is the type of person to be actively wanting someone else, or he could be over egging how he felt towards you because it sounds nicer than just, I suddenly went from she’s pretty to hmm, I really like her when he was suddenly single.

I suspect that’s kind of out of the realm of trying to explain fairly universal experiences though and more into the nitty gritty of your particular relationship.

I suspect lots of people would 😂

It comes down to - you feel attraction slightly differently to most people, that’s not wrong, neither is having boundaries about what’s acceptable to you in a relationship.

What you need to work out is if you can accept that although you don’t understand the low levels of attraction, can you compromise and just accept they’re nothing to do with how someone feels about their partner? Or not...

Do you have someone you can actually talk to properly about it? That you’d trust to tell you if things are typical or if actually they’re worse and most people would find it not tolerable?

I understand that.

I had no idea he thought anything about me one way or another. His best friend knew he liked me. He's had 2 long term relationships including a 20 year marriage.

He said early on that he never cheated or felt any need or desire to. He claims he never had to avoid any temptation because he never felt tempted because he loved them.

They were together for a decade. I think it hit some problems in the latter years but he still had no intention of leaving and then it fell apart over lockdown, limped along a bit longer and he ended it. I think a lot of people experienced that.

While they were together, he did a favour for me and took me somewhere to pick something up. At the time, I thought about taking him for a beer afterwards to say thanks but didn't suggest it because I didn't think he'd want to spend any longer with me than necessary. I told him a couple of months ago and he said he'd have turned me down anyway because of the way he felt and it would have been inappropriate.

So I don't think he's someone who would cheat. I trust him physically.

Do you have someone you can actually talk to properly about it? That you’d trust to tell you if things are typical or if actually they’re worse and most people would find it not tolerable?

I did have. I had a close neurological friend who acted as my 'interpreter' but that went horribly wrong and we no longer speak.

Most of the people I'm close enough to to talk about it with are ND and, if I'm honest, equally dysfunctional (if you want to call it that) in relationships and so are no help.

My boyfriend is the only NT person I'm close to. There's my son, who does often act as an interpreter but this is obviously something I can't discuss with him!

Neuritypical friend. Phone didn't like that.

“So I don't think he's someone who would cheat. I trust him physically”

I trust my partner physically, not to cheat, but also not to behave in a way that he knows I’d be upset at, that would include all the ways you mention past partners acting btw.... and also any of those behaviours towards other women if I wasn’t there either.

Inside his head... that’s different, however I also trust that if he developed anything more than a stray thought towards a real person he knows that he’d then be avoiding them and working on our relationship.

Fictional or famous people, a passing involuntary ooh, nice at a real person, that is not an issue.

Other people have different lines though, I know some people have no issue with mild flirting if they’re not there for example.

I think it’s pretty unlikely you’d find somebody with exactly the same lines you currently have, where you both find each other attractive and have a good relationship - just because that pool of people is going to be small.

don't know if any of that helps at all though, lol.

I trust my partner physically, not to cheat, but also not to behave in a way that he knows I’d be upset at, that would include all the ways you mention past partners acting btw.... and also any of those behaviours towards other women if I wasn’t there either.

It does help.

Yes, I think what made it easier was I knew these men weren't right for me and vice versa.

My boyfriend claims to love me so it would feel like a betrayal.

He would never do any of those things those other men did though. He's friendly but never crosses any sort of line into flirting.

I don't want to be in a relationship if that's what it means. With him or anyone else.

Well then you don't want to be in a relationship then.

No I don't.