Can someone explain this to me please?

[CastIronFire]

I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic in case it makes a difference.

I don't very often 'fancy' someone. I never have. I rarely feel sexually attracted to someone unless I've got to know them well first and then they become attractive to me. I've never been attracted to more than one person at a time.

I don't fancy actors or famous people. I never fancy someone on a night out. I can appreciate if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them.

Because of this, I find it very difficult to understand how someone can be in love with someone but 'fancy' someone else. Like an actor or something.

I don't really understand how it is any different to fancying their best mate really. It feels like a betrayal.

It's making it really difficult for me to have a relationship.

I was at work today with two of my male colleagues and they mentioned an actress in passing who they both said they fancied. One is married and the other lives with his girlfriend. I don't understand how they can desire her and also love/fancy their partners.

“I don't want to have sex with someone who is imagining they are with someone else.”

Has your boyfriend actually says he does that? I mean I can only apply my own thoughts, but I’m not imagining I’m with someone else during sex. That is absolutely not what I’d mean by saying I found someone sexually attractive.

Same. I may find someone sexually attractive, but it doesn’t mean I’m fantasising about them when I’m having sex with my husband.
I don’t think anything anyone says is going to change your mind OP.

I don't think a woman who fancies George Clooney, for example , really thinks about having sex with him , especially if she's with her partner . It's such a fleeting thought/feeling.
Fancying someone really isn't as intense as you think.
I hope you can get past this , as I would say the majority of people fancy someone else at some point.

Hi OP. I understand exactly what you are saying and think I am somewhat on the same page as you.
All I can say is that I admire people rather than fancy them, and it will be because of the way they conduct themselves or the way they speak/body language but not because of the way they look. However on balance this will become more attractive to me as a whole.
Hope that helps

I suppose it is linked to the value you place on your partner to a certain extent - fancying someone means you find one single aspect of them of high value. But while Jason Momoa might looks wise be an 8, my DP ranks a clear 10 for kindness. I'd never leave him for JM because my DPs total worth is stratospherically more than JMs.

And he's totally hotter. 😂

Off topic, but just wanted to say that I have learned something new today.

I’m demisexual who knew? Thankyou to that poster.

I’m like the OP, I don’t start fancying someone until I know them really well and like their character, I have to love the whole of them before I find sexual attraction. I have had passing fancies for actors, but it tends to be because of a role they’ve played in a film.

I don’t think of myself as autistic at all, although my ex accuses me of being black and white.

Does that explain why some women fall in love so completely with men who treat them badly? Are they at the opposite end of the demisexual scale?

Castiron, I can understand the other posters who are trying to explain things to you. My only analogy I can think of is a variation on the picture one.

You are at home looking at your favourite sentimental painting, you are thinking how much you love it and what it means to you. Through an open windows comes the smell of new mown grass. You stop and think to yourself ‘Oh I love that smell, makes me think of hot summer days and BBQs”

The smell of the grass has nothing to do with the visual pleasure you get from your picture. One does not detract from the other. You don’t think the smell makes you value the painting less. You can like both at the same time, but the painting is yours, it’s a physical thing you can touch and look at whenever you want. The smell of the grass is a momentary feeling and out of sight (smell) is out of mind.

If you accept the fact that the big majority of people are not demisexual, and consider that only a tiny, tiny number of people ever act on these sexual attractions of virtual strangers. We call them STALKERS, and we all recognise that behaviour as entirely out side the norm.

That would be a problem of low self esteem and insecurity, in the person who felt they weren't the "brightest and best".

Your partner likes you for you, you don't need to be the "brightest and best", making whether it's achievable or not immaterial. For a relationship to be successful you need to trust each other. If you can't trust someone you may as well break up with them. Either they've done something to prove (or cause you to suspect) they're untrustworthy. Or if you can't trust anyone, you're just not ready to date regardless of how you feel about someone, and need to work on your insecurity and low self esteem first.

As others have said, people feel how they feel. They can't help it if they feel attracted to someone. They can only choose whether or not they act on it.

And they can choose to be sensitive about it. If you've got blond hair it's not very nice for your partner to go on all the time about how much they fancy brunettes. Those work colleagues probably wouldn't have had that same conversation with each other if their partners were also present, because it would be disrespectful (IMO). If your partner fancies your sister or your friend they should take that secret to their grave and never, ever mention it to you. Unless they decide to split up with you, then they're single and can date who they like.

Decent people don't go around dating people who they're not that into until someone "better" (in their opinion) comes along, without first making it clear to the person they're with that they only want a casual relationship. Some shit-heads will pretend it's serious when they're really still looking around, it's cruel and it hurts to find out you were just a filler-in until they found someone they preferred. That's life though. All you can do is try to avoid the bad ones, which isn't always easy.

If you think you've found a good one, you have to be vulnerable, put your trust in them and hope it works out. It's not a guarantee you'll never break up. Decent people break up too, for various reasons. The only guaranteed way to avoid heartbreak is to never have a relationship. Or never have a serious relationship anyway, one that involves you truly caring about the other person. It all comes down to what want from life and what risks you're prepared to take.

On the ‘brightest and best’ thing… well, I know I’m not the brightest and best. Objectively I’m pretty average, like most of us are. My husband is too. But I love him and he loves me, even though neither of us are the ‘brightest and best’ people in the world.

Please talk to him, tell him how you feel. No amount of posting on a forum can reassure you, only he can do that.

Actually he can't. If she's got low self-esteem nothing he says will make any difference. Low self-esteem can't be fixed by someone else, it has to be fixed by oneself.

If necessary this might mean getting counselling or similar. Other times it can be fixed with a new outfit and haircut or getting involved with a hobby/study/job something that means you regularly achieve things. It depends on how severe the low self-esteem is.

If it's ruining your relationships OP I hope you do whatever it takes to fix it for yourself. Nobody needs to live with low self-esteem forever.

I know he would like us to live together at some point and he has said he would like to get married but this feels like a huge barrier that is getting in the way of all of that. How can he want to live with me or make that sort of commitment if he is sexually attracted to other women?

Because you're more important to him than all those others. Nobody is perfect. Nobody. But you're perfect enough for him and he loves you. He sees all those other options and he chooses you.

So wanting to have sex with someone else is different. Because that's what sexual attraction/desire/fancying is - It's not thinking a dress is nice or eyes are nice or a dog is cute or a child is funny.

It's imagining them naked, thinking about doing sexual things with them, thinking about them when you're on your own. Or not on your own.

This is not at all what I would mean if I say I fancied someone. My brain really doesn’t go beyond “oh, he’s pretty “ or “hasn’t he got beautiful eyes”. I would not be imagining anything more intimate than that.

Op, when we are with our partner, it is the whole package that works for us. An intricate combination of looks, personality, intellect, sense of humour etc, and of course, the chemistry between us. I can look at an actor and think I 'fancy him', i.e. his looks are appealing to me, but it is only two dimensional. There is no chemistry, I don't know his personality. No way is he 'better and brighter' than my dh, whose combination of attributes is perfectly compatible with me. A fleeting sexual feeling towards someone else is superficial. I wouldn't want to act on it, because I don't even know if I like them. I might discover the whole package and be monumentally put off. A superficial attraction to someone else's looks, detracts in no way from my feelings for my husband.

I sympathise with you, and understand how hard it is to grasp a concept that is alien to you, but you must try to understand, because unless you do, you will only bring unhappiness to yourself. I can see that you are trying to do just that by starting this thread, this conversation, so good on you! You will get there. You may never understand (empathise) completely, but you can accept it eventually, and come to terms with it.

This is quite distressing tbh. I can see that other people are trying to say things to help me understand but some of it is just making it worse.It's not cheating if there is no inclination to act on it in any way. It's just a passing thought. Although I know it can become more like cheating when somebody becomes mentally fixated on someone else instead of just having a passing crush.What if it's a 'crush'/fancy that has lasted for decades? Does that cross into something else? Where its not just a passing fancy? Although I'm not sure a passing fancy where someone is sexually attracted to multiple people daily is any better.I can get excited about going for a 7 course tasting meal in a fancy restaurant, but I don't want that to be my daily diet, do I?I don't know. Why not? Do I want to be the safe, reliable, dull, predictable spaghetti bolognese/cottage pie/sausage and mash? Whilst someone else is, in his mind, a delicious 7 course meal - a real treat, amazing but so much that it can only be sampled occasionally or in his wildest fantasies? Not really, no.it's not about having low self esteem or being insecure. I don't think he would actually go off with anyone. I don't particularly care if random women try flirting with him. I don't get jealous of he talks to someone when we're out. But I don't want to be with someone who looks at another women and thinks they are more attractive to them than I am either.

I'm so sorry that we haven't helped . I don't think there's anything anyone can say to help you see that fancying someone else really isn't as big a deal as you think , your feelings are your own though and it's hard to change. Would seeing a counsellor to work on your self esteem help?

But I do see my partner as the seven course meal. He is the prize. I value him - quite literally- over every other man in the world. He does the same for me. We are each others prize.

we choose each other.

It sounds like your partner chooses you. You are his 7 course meal. He makes his choice every single day. To choose you. He sees the whole package in you. You are beautiful. You are loveable. You are fun and funny and caring. You are unique and perfect for him. He sees everything he wants in his future in the package that you have to offer. He is not asking you look or be someone else. He loves you just as you are. A perfect fit for him.

are you able to choose him?

Exactly this!!

My DP is the best meal I could ever possibly want to eat. Someone else might look like a nice plate of food, but they pale into insignificance beside him. He is the beginning and end of everything, my anchor and my home. He's my safe place and the person who makes my mouth water. I can objectively look at someone else and see they are attractive, but they are nothing compared to him.

But op, they are not 'looking at another person and thinking they are more attractive' than you. As I said in my earlier post, it's two dimensional. A pretty face/body is not the whole package. The spark and chemistry that comes with a chosen relationship, is a combination of many factors. A pretty face is no longer a pretty face to me, if the person is unpleasant. Likewise, a very plain face can become beautiful to me once I get to know the wonderful humour/whatever inside. You've said yourself you can see a person and recognise they are handsome/beautiful etc. It's not so very different really. Perhaps it's even the same, but individuals use different terminology. I can see an actor and think he is beautiful, but I couldn't possibly say for sure that there is real sexual attraction, because i have never met him.

Can you redefine the word fancy in your head op ? I think for most people it's a very fleeting thought. Eg I fancy Greg Davies (don't laugh) but I don't think about him all the time, in fact it's only this thread that has brought him to mind, and even if I see him on the telly I appreciate him but then am concentrating on the program and not him . I don't think about having sex with him either, I just like the look of him.

OP. If you weren't interested in how other people feel about this, why did you even post?

You appeared to be asking for help to understand how most people 'fancy' others and it have no impact on their relationship.

You have been told multiple times in multiple different ways that for most people, fancying - or liking the look of other people - is not as black and white or as damning as you think it is.

The way you feel about this is not typical, in fact it's far from typical, and really quite extreme.

You seem determined that there is no other way to think about this but yours; which sadly is probably going to mean you'll destroy this relationship over something totally pointless.

Yup, we've heard repeatedly that you don't think it's meaningless - but it is, to most people.

You have to either accept that your way of thinking about this is disordered in some way, and make a conscious effort to accept that and move on, or choose a single life. You are asking too much of your boyfriend to never think of someone else as attractive.

Focus on what he says, and let go of this obsession about fancying people- you'll be much happier.

I think that’s a fair post.

It’s clear you aren’t going to accept your partner fancying other people, so what are your options?

1. Stop him fancying other people… won’t happen, he might say he doesn’t but he will. It’s normal.
2. End the relationship as you’ll never be happy with it how it is.

Thats basically it.

I am also autistic. I have had a crush on Mr Spock from Star Trek, for the past 54 years, OP! Star Trek is one of my autistic obsessions.
It didn’t stop me loving and fancying my DH for his whole life - I never remarried, as nobody could ever replace him, and DH died 31 years ago.
DH also had a couple of crushes- on Ming’s daughter in the Flash Gordon movie, and Servalan in Blake’s Seven, but we used to
joke about it. And DH used to buy me Star Trek videos so I could drool over Spock after the tv series ended.
Crushes are no threat to a secure loving marriage. Both partners know they would never be acted upon, and have no reason to feel jealous or insecure. We are simply human, and still have normal sexual desires whether we are married or not. It’s not a big deal - or a deal breaker.

I had a huge crush on Data when I was a teenager.

I met a boy I really liked and Data fell into the background. When I split up with him, I rediscovered my love of Data. When I later went put with someone else, I still liked Data and so knew it wasn't right so I ended it with the boy I was seeing.

I've never had feelings for two people at the same time real or not.

Thank you.

This thread has been very helpful. I know what I need to do.

You are asking too much of your boyfriend to never think of someone else as attractive

I haven't asked that of him. I wanted to know what other people's understanding and experience of it was and to understand what it means for other people.

Besides, I don't have an issue with him thinking other women are attractive. But fancying them or being sexually attracted to them is something I'm not going to be ok with.

If anything this thread has just made me feel more certain about it.

I'm not going to feel differently about it. If it means being single forever then so be it.