Parents - we need to do something drastic, don't we??

[BrianOfBritain]

Another report about the huge number of teens with mental health problems in the press today. So many of the adolescents I know are anxious, low, self-harming, self-loathing, etc. And almost all the parents - myself included - think phones and social media are partly to blame. But instead of changing it much, we all struggle on with them, saying "well, I'd better let him/her, or he/she won't have any friends" or whatever. We look to systems of online protection to "keep them safe". But this won't even scratch the surface, I suspect. Why are we putting up with/going along with this? I seriously think we might need some kind of revolution, where thousands - millions - of parents act together, pethaps to get rid of smart phones for kids altogether. Millions all going back to old style non-smart tech, all at once so kids are in it together and won't be left out?

Of course the technocracy have more and more ways to get us - and more importantly our kids - most and more hooked. But if we acted together, surely we could step away from it on behalf of our kids. Surely we can do SOMETHING? I suspect it may have to be drastic, to try to turn this juggernaut. Are there any initiatives to get lots and lots of us together to sort this? Is there even any appetite for it?? I just feel like we're passively allowing our kids to be so harmed, and assume we're powerless when we're not...

I’ve read that the tech people in Silicone Valley don’t allow their children smart phones until they’re much older - they are all too aware of the damage they cause to young brains on many levels!

Exactly.

I have a happy, cheerful teen ds (so far). He has a phone but never carries it and doesn't have any social media accounts.

He decided not to carry a phone in year 6 because he said ' people just use them for bullying and sending dick pics, and I'm not interested.'

At the time I was a bit sad that he was isolating himself but actually I don't think he is. He swims and practices karate. He has friends he chats to via MineCraft and in real life. If anyone wants to ring him, he gives them my number. For him, it works. I'm sure he'll change his mind when there's a girl on the scene but until then he's happy.

I'm starting to think he knows best.

All this "making social media safe" feels like buying our kids Silk Cut because they're the healthier fags to smoke...

This sounds great. Good on your son.

My son was like this till about age 14. No longer.

I suspect it is not realistic for most.

Exactly, @BrianOfBritain, like those menthol cigarettes years back. My friend smoked them and said they made your breath fresh. 🙄

What is your Ds like now op?

I agree, but stuffing the genie back in the bottle is almost impossible.
Adults can't properly run their lives without a smartphone now and schools are becoming increasingly dependent on them. The real disadvantage of them are the social media apps, and these need to be far better regulated than they are.
When an age limit is introduced there should be some way of enforcing it. The owners of these sites could easily find a way, but they're not interested in doing anything. All they want are more users, which means a bigger audience for the advertising, which in turn generates income for them.

Personally don't think it's phones or social
Media that's the problem. Imo it's schools, exams, too little control in their own lives and expectations around their future - university etc that leads to poor mental health.

The social media stuff is a red herring. When the rest of a teens life is beyond their control they'll look to control the bits they can and this is where social media comes into it. They'll look to be most popular, fit in, "find their tribe" - all things that involve social media.

If young people had more control of their own environment in the first place - school uniform, less pressure of exams, more choice of what to study, how to study and when to study and even if to study - along with real feelings that there is something beyond school that doesn't make them a failure if they don't get the "right" number of exams then there would be far fewer young people with mental ill health.

I would add into the above that there needs to be much better identification of neurodiversity and educational need and these combined with the awful state of support in schools for such children is another frequent route to mental health decline.

The government want us all to think that it's social media because it lets them off the hook of the real reasons young people are suffering!

It’s very hard.
DD has some MH problems, quite severely at times and while she does have a small friendship group at college they don’t seem to spend a lot of time together.
However, she games with people from all over the world and talks animatedly about these people and what they are up to. I have never heard her laugh with a group of RL friends like I hear her do with her online friends.
So while part of me wants to make her switch off and spend more time F2F with people I just know she won’t and stopping her from doing something that genuinely makes her happy seems quite cruel.
Of course we do monitor to make sure she’s safe.

I actually think teens have too much responsibility of the wrong kind put on them (exam pressure, looks, being cool etc) and not enough self confidence building responsibility - babysitting for pocket money, doing jobs in the community etc. Look at the number of posters who say they wouldn’t leave a 10/11/12 year old alone at home or for not more than 1 hour or something. We raise them in fear of normal safe activities whilst pressuring them with other things that are less natural.

I also think in many cases there is a form of social contagion/attention seeking. It’s not new - people at the school I went to often developed ‘faux eating disorders’ in groups but in many ways social media puts that on steroids. That is not to say that all mental illness is faux or for attention, but in some teens, even if they’re not doing it consciously for attention it is - and that in itself gives us clues as to what we might be able to help with.

@Hollyhead very good points!

Tech heads I guess here. Way back when it was in its infancy DH was programming and I was writing websites back in the early 1990’s. Our DS was not allowed a console till he was 12 and as we lived close to the school he didn’t get a phone till he was 15.

I suppose the other thing which is probably unpopular is I don’t buy in to this must tip toe round stuff. So when some kids at DS school did do some dodgy stuff on phones which resulted in suspensions I said straight out they are bloody awful to DS.

One of the issues is parents are not tech savvy themselves.

Who has parental controls set up on consoles, when I read about peoples kids spending thousands on apps and them whining I just roll my eyes at the stupidity of the parents. I think there should be zero refunds.

👀

A personal anecdote here.

DD is struggling hugely with social anxiety. She lives a distance from school and her school friends, and this together with covid lockdowns has, I believe, been a big cause of her troubles.

She doesn't use social media, but watches harmless stuff on her phone and uses it to communicate with people via text and WhatsApp.

She left her Y7 WhatsApp group within a few weeks because it was "all about showing off and belittling others"

We obviously monitor her use.

If she didn't have access to her phone and the resources she engages with to feel included with kids her own age, then I'd fear for her MH even more than I do at present.

In other words, phones can be a good thing. And there are other equal factors that are damaging our children's MH.

I wish I knew the solution, both for my DD and for her peers.

Well I never.

The problem is that threads get filled with anecdotes - which is great, but anecdotes are nota data.

The uptick in children/teen (whatever you want to call them) MH issues is easily seen in 2007. In 2007 smartphones were launched.

Today’s teens report feelings of loneliness, even when in groups and they indulge in much less risky behaviour than we did. By this I mean they are having sex later and even kisses. Socialising goes on on phones, so they are less conditioned to the ‘real world’ and able to cope.

I highly recommend reading Irreversible Damage for an insight into teens and mobile phone and social media use.

Interestingly DD15, who has several friends who've suffered or are suffering from anxiety, stress and other MH issues, doesn't think smartphones and social media are the culprit at all. She says by far the biggest pressure they face is school - constant pressure to work hard and achieve highly and do well in exams, followed by family issues eg parents not getting along, divorce etc. So I'm not sure if social media is a red herring assumed by adults to be the root of all evil.

Personally don't think it's phones or social
Media that's the problem. Imo it's schools, exams, too little control in their own lives and expectations around their future - university etc that leads to poor mental health.

I think this - though I cant discount social media and phones entirely I think it's often easier to blame the new tech and ignore the other huge pressure.

There's also very little careers advice around - lot of career progression routes aren't as clear as they used to be - it's much harder to be financially independent of parents than my generation due to rental and more general house prices.

I think part time jobs are important too. I see so many posts on here about parents not wanting their kids to get a job as it will detract from their studies, but I think that they learn so much from a job like retail or waiting tables.

Having something to do other than instructions from a parent or teacher gives them a sense of purpose and the ability to feel good about themselves and to also develop social skills needed for life.

@AgathaMystery correlation is not necessarily causation.

I agree that a part time job is an excellent way to grow.

However I don't know how kids would balance that with school, studies, exams and a tiny bit of fun/hobbies.

For me, the problem is as old as time immemorial: bored teens who need to be together more in person.

It was the same when I was a teen and there weren’t very many youth clubs and it was the same when my parents were teens (except they got the joy of proper work)

Take away the apps, add proper places for them to socialise in person.

What’s that you say? Oh it’s difficult to monetise that with ads? Bugger…

I think you might be on the wrong thread......