Parents - we need to do something drastic, don't we??

[BrianOfBritain]

Another report about the huge number of teens with mental health problems in the press today. So many of the adolescents I know are anxious, low, self-harming, self-loathing, etc. And almost all the parents - myself included - think phones and social media are partly to blame. But instead of changing it much, we all struggle on with them, saying "well, I'd better let him/her, or he/she won't have any friends" or whatever. We look to systems of online protection to "keep them safe". But this won't even scratch the surface, I suspect. Why are we putting up with/going along with this? I seriously think we might need some kind of revolution, where thousands - millions - of parents act together, pethaps to get rid of smart phones for kids altogether. Millions all going back to old style non-smart tech, all at once so kids are in it together and won't be left out?

Of course the technocracy have more and more ways to get us - and more importantly our kids - most and more hooked. But if we acted together, surely we could step away from it on behalf of our kids. Surely we can do SOMETHING? I suspect it may have to be drastic, to try to turn this juggernaut. Are there any initiatives to get lots and lots of us together to sort this? Is there even any appetite for it?? I just feel like we're passively allowing our kids to be so harmed, and assume we're powerless when we're not...

I 100% agree that schools should have a complete ban on mobile phones on school until 6th form. If the parent doesn’t like the policy they can find another school. Make it nationwide and it won’t be an issue.
Also parents need to understand and enforce rules. Strong rules. Our household has a phone curfew and our teens’ phones stay in our possession overnight every night. Without fail. Then they can switch off and rest at night. It was a battle when we first started this but only for a week or two. We didn’t back down. They accepted it. Parents have to have some boundaries for the sake of the kids.

I find it interesting that the current generation of parents is quite self-congratulatory about our parenting in terms of our level of engagement vs. that we experienced as children but I'd say the jury's still out on whether it's the right approach

100% agree with this. I think the time to examine whether the current approach of massive intervention, together with 'gentle parenting' is effective, will be when today's children become adults.

The kids can switch off and rest I mean. Not the phones. Lol

I think I know what you mean. The ordinary ups and downs of life are labelled as extraordinarily awful and lead to MH issues which lurk around every corner. Instead of helping children to deal with things and cope they are affirmed in their despair.
The result of that is that the need for MH services has ballooned and children who actually have major 9MH problems are being lost in the crowd.

The news is so goddam depressing and a lot of it doenst even apply to me.

Even our kids eye rolled at the media constant lost generation narrative during covid.

That's not to say there were massive problems - with on-line schools and education disruptions with wider social interactions lacking - but it was relentlessly negative with no hope or positives.

Post covid DC school has had massive issues with actually getting and keeping teaching staff - lots of supply and the kids say class room discipline has dropped ever further its all lessons including top sets.

Most of the kids with problems they know had SEN not being supported or have serious home issues - pressure on parents with redundancies in covid or burn out since and cost of living pressures aren't making it easier.

I do think there;s more exam pressure - there was a thread recently where I was told I couldn't possibly have got into the nice redbrick I did with the A-levels I'd got - but I did and wasn't only one. I recently looked at the course for DS there - knew someone who did it mid 90s they got in A,B,C now that course wants three A*.

The industries Dad and MIL worked in - major employers where kid who didn't go ti university went - went before they finished their working lives.

I think you have to look at the example parents are setting their children too. Look at mumsnet 1000s of threads full of over anxious parents. I'm not saying over anxious parents are the root cause in every case but I think it contributes significantly. When someone has to post for reassurance becasue they accidentally had a single sip of alcohol while pregnant for example you have have to wonder how they will be able to raise a confident child? People stressing becasue their neighbour looked at them funny, someone touched their child's hand in the supermarket, on and on it goes and 100s of people validate their anxiety. When kids are raised in highly anxious environments is it any wonder that they grow to be highly anxious teens?

I agree social media and the constant accessibility to their friends (and therefore bullies and pressures) doesn’t help. I remember we could switch off from friends between school times so we had a break from the drama which helped!

However I also fully agree we are labelling and pathologising normal behaviour and responses to things. DD was nervous for her new swimming class- as was another girl whose mother earnestly told the teacher ‘she’s had a lot of anxiety around the class’. They are 5! Both kids were absolutely fine but that language absolutely does not help children. From an early age it suggests undue stress and needing additional input when it’s a normal response to something new.

Im hoping as my two grow we recognise the importance of resilience and support children with this. We don’t need to emotional constipation of wartime folk but the neediness of the current late teens/early twenties is relentless, draining and completely unsustainable.

It's fifty-odd years since I was growing up and life has changed greatly. But in those days my mother was almost always at home when I came home from school. I could tell her the good bits and bad bits straightaway, and she would help put them in perspective. That has definitely helped me over the years.

It's not social media that's the problem. It's the crap that some people think it's ok to post. This website is rife with it, so it's not just teenagers. Perhaps adults need to look to their own behaviour and realise that their children are simply following in their footsteps.

Fwiw, my daughter is autistic and being able to communicate with people online is her only social outlet. She'd be exceedingly isolated if she wasn't able to use technology.

We don’t need to emotional constipation of wartime folk

I wonder about this sometimes. Maybe we are better just parking that heap of junk down an alley and chucking the keys in the river rather than constantly chewing over the past.

Tech is the issue. There are many studies to show mental Illness is "contagious" and teens have a huge desire to fit in with their peers. I'm not diminishing the fact there are some unwell teens but they do feed into each other a great deal.

Tech/social media puts untold amounts of pressure on young minds that have no sense of individual identity as yet. Social media pushes people apart not together, the best thing we can do for our children is to encourage a life away from tech, make it unfashionable

Schools need to recognise ASD/ADHD more than ever because (IMO) the pressure from schools and the informal cluttered environment (far more so than when I was at secondary school 30 years ago) means that children will struggle because of sensory issues. OFSTED likes classrooms covered in information, every corner and wall has a purpose. IME this leads to exhaustion and burnout. This bombardment of information is useful to very few pupils, and detrimental to many.

I’ve noticed a change in MH issues when I was at school compared to dd (her MH issues started 6 years ago, so pre-pandemic), in that there is a far more competitive element to it all - “X says she has an eating disorder, but she’s so attention seeking, I’m the one who has it and she can’t stand it”, with MH being worn as a badge of honour, relevant and very important at every minute of every day. I noticed an upturn of girls in DD’s year who suffered when school decided to introduce regular discussions about mental health - it brought so much attention to it all, and so much self focus from a group who if anything needed to be busier and distracted - whoever said we’re raising fearful teens is right IMO. It almost looks like whole groups are groomed into being mentally ill.
DD’s MH stems from complete introspection, all around identity, a huge need to fit in within a peer group and everyone needing their neat little box to fit in, and from the outside you can see how school have misguidedly steered many dc down this route.
I don’t remember identity being quite so all consuming, and teenagers dossed around, hung out and did stuff more than nowadays.
I think teens are being expected to not be out and visible in public any more, and mildly antisocial behaviour is cracked down on so much more. There are fewer youth clubs around here, and the ones that are available are often available to specific groups - young carers , SEN, it can be difficult to access them without being part of a disadvantaged group, which is great for those who can access them, not so for teens who would benefit from activities during the week.

Parents understandably don’t want their dc loitering out and about at all hours, but this must lead to dc relying on their phones for a social life, along side social media being an unreal picture perfect place full of filters, which adds pressure to the whole identity stuff, and having to look poreless and perfect at all times.

Being a teenager right now is a perfect storm of over protection and too much freedom in terms of not having phases acknowledged as such - normal teenage stuff is often pathologised and treated as permanent features of the individual, rather than a stage that will inevitably pass (I suppose this relates to identity and gender stuff).

Absolutely.
My 11 year old DD was y7 in 2020/2021. Before covid she had very limited use of phones and tech. But starting secondary in 2020 she needed it all- only way to make new friends was via FaceTime / what’s app/ tik tock. School was on and off and then permanently off until easter 2021 so most of y7. Even after that there were isolations.
She became addicted that year. I hated it but she couldn’t meet in person for many days with any friends and everyone else was getting to know each other online.
we’ve never gone back. Once the genies out you can put it back.
And everyone kept telling me oh it’s all fine- children are resilient 🙄🙄🙄

I think you are right too. I have seen it more than once with teenagers in UK schools who have moved abroad where the school system is more relaxed, no uniform, more free time and no GCSE's/A-levels, it's like they have had personality transplants are suddenly they have a much more balanced and happy life. Social media and general tech usage has not changed, but they are no longer under huge pressure to perform which allowes them to become happy individuals. I think it's far to much academic pressure, from a far too young age in the UK, and on top of that individuality is discouraged.

Yes, I completely agree with this!
The constant self obsessed mulling over how we feel, what happened, who did what, helps no one, and that’s exactly what teens are taught to do now. Constantly reflect on their actions, the actions of their ancestors, it must be exhausting and it certainly keeps an awful lot of crap live and kicking.

Am currently witnessing a relative's children going through this.

I don't want to go into detail but I've seen the absolute devastation unhindered and unsupervised access to social media and platforms on which you can connect with complete strangers does.

Frankly, with all the parental controls available on a lot of these things, it makes it even more devastating that stuff like this happens, because it feels wholly avoidable. And as you say OP, the strange disconnect when you're not directly involved but hear the parents of such DC still so willing to put social conformity before their DC's actual wellbeing is really sad.

My DC are not at the SM age yet but my DD is 7 so is getting there. It's just a hard no on social media altogether, it is so damaging. I genuinely don't see a positive side to it, and "all their mates are on it" is a flimsy excuse in my book.

I would not agree the social media thing is a red herring. It sounds like 2 separate and completely valid issues.

It also depends on whether you are talking about people who are the target demographic of SM platforms, or the swathes of kids who are too young to be on them, but are on them anyway.

Some of the harms of social media happen even if your child is not on it if their classmates are.

Do they have tests to gain entry to university? How does that part work

I think you're absolutely spot on OP.

Being a tee ager is shite a lot of the time, but at least I had the opportunity to get home from school and shut it out for a bit.

Exams, pressure, school work - this is all important training for the Chalke ges of the real world. Kids need sleep, a good diet, secure friends, effective mentors and down time to cope with that pressure and learn to absorb it. Phones counteract so much of that. They're awful.

Surely they have bad MH because that world they’re born into is shocking.

high tuition fees
high house prices
high cost of living
Useless government
climate change
ukranian war
covid fears and isolation
parental divorce rates

honestly what are their lives going to be like?

I completely agree with you and your despair at us parents allowing it. I have been fighting for years with my sister, my parents, my husband and father of our three children and I lost the battle to persuade them that the only way our 11 year old daughter won't use too much the phone or other screens is that all the family are together in applying this rule. I wish I had a more constructive suggestion to your suggestion, but please know that you are not alone. I have met other like minded parents but in my own family I haven't found much agreement.

@KitchenFleur@KitchenFleur

Never mind the smart phones - take a look at our schools: narrow, government-controlled and micromanaged curriculum with no room for personalities. Burnt-out teachers struggling with measurements, assessments, form-filling, number-crunching. No wonder these poor young people are depressed, especially those not blessed academically.

Argh! My phone is awful! Anyway, Kitchenfleur, I was trying to reply to your post about cluttered classrooms and overload - ofsted actually totally agree with you and now look for ordered, calm displays that are plain and regularly updated. They are of exactly the same opinion as you are - that massive displays of colourful and years old tat on the wall is severely detrimental to children's concentration and mood. Sorry for all the clutter I've typed above this post!! Quite ironic really!!